Who Is This Bitch?

So I’ve noticed something. Every time Someone New posts a little update, photo or shares something on his Facebook page, one of his female friends likes it. Let me explain.

The last few times I’ve noticed he has updated his status and I go to ‘like’ it, you know because I’m his girlfriend and all, this female friend has always gotten there moments before I do. Not that it’s a competition or anything, but after the third of fourth time of it happening, I decided to have a little stalk. Her name was being shoved down my throat, so I felt it was only fair.

She has liked virtually every status for the last few months. In fact, the only ones she hasn’t ‘liked’ were the ones involving me.

Funny that. 

She’s blonde with short hair and big Bambi eyes. She’s my age. She’s divorced and has a couple of kids (I think). Every now and again, she posts a profile picture of her with this guy, but I think the guy could be her brother. The pair look pretty alike.

Now…. Before you think I’m just being the bunny boiler from hell, I feel the need to explain a little more.

From the sounds of it, Someone New has been pretty unlucky in love for a while, and during the course of his single-ness, was set up a number of times by friends that clearly had no clue what he was looking for. A few of these girls he was set up with keep coming up in conversation, because they ‘happened’ to be at a friends house when he went over there or whatever.

A while ago, he was at a friends house, and walked a ‘mutual friend’ home late at night. I assumed the ‘mutual friend’ was a girl because I imagine a guy could get his own ass home. A few days later, it turned out that this was a girl that his friends had once tried to set him up with. A few days after that, the girl had been very flirty with him, and was still holding the same torch for him she had when they were initially set up… And didn’t work. Well, I think it might be her that’s doing the Facebook-like-athon.

He didn’t tell me the whole story at once, and although I could be being just a tad paranoid here, I’ve been in this exact situation before. Multiple times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. I definitely don’t think he has that kind of behaviour in him. I think he ‘eggs’ these girls on though. I think he encourages them as a confidence boost; an ego-massager, if you like? Not in a malicious way. I just don’t think he’s used to having female attention, and from looking at his younger photos, he’s definitely gotten better with age. I think he’s relishing. That’s fine – we all do it. But does it need to happen right in front of my face?

When I put a hot profile picture up (you know the one – you took fifteen IDENTICAL shots, and picked the right one where your eyeliner / eyebrows / contouring looked spot on, and then you added a filter, ‘blurred’ out the blemishes… etc.), the guys that want to have sex with me don’t publicly ‘like’ every one. They send me a cheeky WhatsApp message telling me how hot I look. It doesn’t need to be publicly broadcasted. Like honestly, this bitch just looks a little desperate. EVERY status? I don’t even do that, and I’m his girlfriend.

Part of me wants to ask him outright – Who is this bitch? Why is she liking all of your statuses, shares, pictures, etc.? All of them that don’t include me? But can I? I don’t know. I’ll blame the female intuition thing, but something doesn’t feel right about it. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just all innocent?

I know this though – if I’m getting jealous, I definitely like him. It takes a lot to make me jealous these days.

A Small, Planted Seed

Yep, pretty sure I’m falling in love with him. Someone New. I’m pretty sure that has started to happen. I don’t really know how. A month ago, I kept blowing him out and not really feeling that bad about it, not bothered whether or not I saw him. I only left him two hours ago and I’m already pining. It’s quite sad really.

We had a beautiful night under the stars. That night we had planned on Sunday (when he was off work and I blew him out again), we had last night instead and I won’t lie, it was pretty fucking awesome.

It was nothing special. We bought a disposable BBQ, some steaks and sausages, spuds, freshly made bread, wine, etc. We laid a picnic blanket down in his tiny patio back yard, and BBQ’d our meat, drank our wine, and listened to music, just chilling, and laying, and watching the stars. Although nothing special, it was actually beautifully romantic.

We don’t do much normally because he’s working. He’s boss man so he actually works pretty hard, just one of the things I adore about him. It’s like he has an endless supply of energy, and he’s always running around. He walks to and from work every day, even though he has a beautiful bike in his garage, and that takes about 20-25 minutes I reckon. His days off are filled with fixing things or cleaning things, hanging out with friends, looking after dogs, entertaining toddlers….

It’s exhausting just listening to him sometimes, but he takes it all in his stride. He has had his own battles with anxiety and bowel issues, just as I am right now, and he is not only sympathetic, but full of wisdom too. The only thing he needs to do is learn how to slow down every once in a while – something he says I am helping him with.

Our time is spent lazing around, either in front of the TV, in his bed, in the backyard… We just laze our hours away, touching and cuddling and kissing. It was like that at the beginning, and it’s like that now – six months later. I know we don’t see each other as regularly as most other couples, but we both make an effort for each other still, and that’s such a wonderful trait in a relationship, I think.

At the same time, we do stuff too. We went bowling and we go for cocktails and glasses of wine, as well as dinners and breakfasts. We’ve been shopping together, and lazed historic towns together. We’ve watched movies and not made it to the end, and we’ve cooked together, dancing and singing around his always-immaculate kitchen.

You see, all of a sudden, things have started getting a whole load more poetic with this man. I didn’t see this happening…

It’s just the perfect mix. I wish I could see him more, and I’m starting to make a real effort to actually see him. That, in itself, shows me that I’m more into him than I give myself credit for. I just don’t really know when or how that started happening. Or whether or not I like it.

I’m meant to be seeing him Sunday night, meeting his best friends (and their toddler) for take-out and movie night at their house. Great, no mutual territory or anything, just throw me right into their house. I have already smashed one of their wedding glasses and fucked in their bed before I’ve even met them.


I guess we’ll see how much I like him. Will I turn up? I’ve blown them out every other time before. I didn’t feel ready to meet his friends before. I didn’t feel ready to incorporate myself into his life. But this morning, I walked with him to work, grabbed coffees for his work colleagues, and spent an hour with them, getting the guided tour. Thankfully, the work colleague he’d already fucked wasn’t there.

That woulda been #Awks.

It’s not lust, before you say it. We’re in lust for sure, but it’s not just that. We have had some serious obstacles when it comes to bedroom activity, so if it was just sex keeping us together, it would have fizzled out weeks ago. Months ago in fact. It’s only just now starting to get to a point where we can have something that resembles a ‘regular’ sex life, six months after my procedure. And I can tell you this – it’s just getting better. Last night’s sweaty, hot, hardcore, short and sweet fucking was the perfect scratch to the itch, so to speak. And this morning’s 5am re-run. It was ‘normal’ sex. No toys, no blindfold, no party tricks – just us. Me and him. Him and me. Naked. Sweaty. Slipping. It was amazing. The whole night was just like something out of a movie. Adorable evening, followed by a hot and sweaty night. The perfect summer date if you ask me. Plus there was wine. What more could you ask for?

So yeah, I guess something is finally happening. Maybe he’s just romanticised his way into my life? He’s a pretty romantic kinda guy. When you’re faced with adoration like he shows me, it would be impossible to not feel something.

A Small, Planted Seed

Even if it is just a small, planted seed. 

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When Karma Keeps Comin’

So, I’ve figured out the answer to the question. How do you make a relationship with Big Love last longer than two years?

The answer – get yourself pregnant.

Talking to some of my girls on the other side of the world, bitching about the Beluga Whale and Little Miss Sunshine and their current ‘being-sued situation‘, and I learned some new information.

Big Love got fired from his job. Boom.

He had to move away. Boom.

He accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Boom.

Well, well, well, what with Big Love and Beluga Whale, karma is on fine form right now, don’t you think?

For a split second, my heart pined. I’m happy for him though! Genuinely. I’m clapping my hands with glee and excitement over the fact he fucked up his life once again, going from a job where he was earning thousands every month to being a manager of some crappy little vitamin store, but I’m happy for him. Apparently that’s where I went wrong – I didn’t accidentally get myself up the duff. That’s the trick to making a relationship with him last longer than two years.

You see, right at the beginning of our love affair he told me just that – he couldn’t seem to hold a relationship down for longer than 18 months / two years. He hadn’t managed it with girls before me and go figure, he couldn’t manage it with me either. I know he has been with the girl he’s with now for a while, maybe even around the two year mark. They split up for a while, and he dated someone else. A few months ago during one of my late-night insomnia stalk fests, I realised they were back together. Not just that but the bubbly blonde had dyed her hair a dark brunette colour, and she had recently liked a ‘mother’s working from home’ page….

At the time I wondered if she could be pregnant and once again, I have learned to trust my gut instinct. I’m always right about these things. I like to think my female intuition is on fine form.

When I heard the confirmation, I didn’t feel quite as shitty as I thought I might have done. I always thought that finding out Big Love found his happy ending with someone else would make me cry, but it didn’t. I couldn’t even find one tear for him, and I think I know why. It’s because I’m older and wiser now, and although I loved him and would have done anything for him, I knew he was bad news. We were bad news for each other. I made him take drugs, and he made me cut myself. It was a recipe for disaster and I know, regardless of how much it broke my heart at the time, parting ways was the smartest choice. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed? Maybe I would still have been working for Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale, and I’d be caught up in the shit they’re going through right now.

Everything in life happens for a reason. I know that now. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it’s bad or good. There’s a reason we didn’t work out, Big Love and I, and there’s a reason I left the country, my friends, the bad work place…

I guess I’m just thankful. I’m thankful that I’ve been through the heartbreaking ordeals that I’ve been through. I like to think it has made me a much smarter person, and although I still make l mistakes, at least I won’t make those again.

I must admit though, it’s still a little gutting to learn that my dickhead ex-boyfriend is having a kid and I’m not. Especially seeing as he already has one child he doesn’t see or want.

When Karma Keeps Comin'

It’s Bittersweet – Karma

In advance, I must say that I will probably come across a right bitch here. I don’t know if you remember, but quite a while ago I had a rant about the mother and daughter disaster combo I once worked with on the other side of the world? I say worked with, I mean slaved for.

Well apparently today, karma well and truly bit them on the ass.

If you can’t be bothered to read the link (don’t worry, I’m not judging, I’m lazy too), I’ll give you a refresher course. They had me by the balls with my work situation and they were well aware of it, and they exploited me for everything they could. I worked every hour under the sun for what really was shit pay for what I did, and I basically had to manage and organise two of the most disorganised people in the world. Disorganised, vain, off their head on the craziest drink and drug cocktails, and with absolutely zero people skills.

The mother, Little Miss Sunshine; she wasn’t too bad. When she was on her own, she was actually a lovely person, and my heart goes out to her right now because I wholeheartedly believe she doesn’t deserve a moment of this. She was a good person, deep down, but I think she was just so drugged up on a cocktail of pills to help her get through the day, her cruel, evil daughter completely led her astray. The weird money-making schemes – they were all Beluga Whale. She would shout and scream until she got her own way, turning on anyone that dared step into her path, and more often than not, she would get her own way, leaving a trial of destruction in her wake. I was normally the one to console her sobbing mother, and clean up behind her.

One of my other-side-of-the-world ladies sent me a WhatsApp message.

“Have you seen this yet?”

It was a story that had broken on a local news site and then on Facebook, describing how Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale were getting sued because of their dodgy work activities. To be honest, I’m surprised they hadn’t gotten into trouble a lot sooner, and at first, I was secretly pleased that I had gotten my wish and karma had finally bit them on the ass.

The things that were in the news report were enough to make anyone cringe. What they had apparently done really was pretty unspeakable. They are pretty well known in the town too, and it wasn’t long before the Likes and Shares on the Facebook post had gone up. I took a sneaky peek on her Instagram page and noticed that she was deleting her images one by one – right there in front of me. Then she deleted her Facebook page. The backlash had started. The girl was going into hiding. It’s probably for the best. I happen to know a number of the allegations were true. Or at least they were all those years ago, and I wouldn’t imagine anything had changed.

As I saw the massive number of comments going up and up and up, my heart went out to them. Little Miss Sunshine more than Beluga Whale, of course, but it still did. What they were going through, what they were about to go through, it’s truly awful. They are essentially about to be run out of their home town. They are probably going to lose their family business – the only thing they know. They are probably going to lose everything. And the worst of it is, they deserve it. Well, one of them does.

They have screwed so many people over across the years, even in the course of their business by ‘omitting’ information and ‘submitting’ little white lies, forging signatures, you name it. I’m very surprised the shit they are going through right now hasn’t happened sooner, but despite getting the karma that I think they deserve, I can’t help but feel incredibly sorry for them. It makes me realise I’m a much better person than I give myself credit for.

I don’t know. I don’t really know the point I’m trying to make here. It just affected me, seeing the things that people were saying about them. These people aren’t people that knew the girls like I did, and although I agreed with the things they were saying, I still felt as if I should be defending them. I didn’t. I just sat back and watched the drama unfold.

The Beluga Whale deleted me from Instagram, and she blocked me too. I have a number of business accounts so I can still see her if I wanted to, plus Bestie and her are still following each other, so I can still see. Idiot. Part of me is wondering why they are going into social media hiding? So they can’t see the things that people are saying about them? Just because they can no longer see them, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I just don’t see the point, you know? Surely they must both know they are going down with this shit storm? I don’t see any way that they could get out of it, you know, seeing as most of what I read I personally knew to be true. Surely it would be better to go down with dignity than go into hiding?

Not that it matters, they no longer speak to me. The Beluga Whale got what she wanted out of me when I was in her country. Now I’m not, she has no use for me. That’s why I was easy to socially delete in the first place. It’s funny because I always defended them. I actually thought we were friends.

You know, girls fuck each other over way more than guys fuck girls over. It’s just almost acceptable when its a girl knifing you in the back. If she had been a dude, I would have walked away a lot sooner than I did, and even when I did, it was because I was leaving the country.

It’s bittersweet – karma. I’m glad they got their comeuppance, but I feel bad for them too. The shit they are about to go through, that they are going through; I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone someone I once classed as my friend.

Good luck girls. You’re gonna need it this time. 

It's Bittersweet - Karma

I Should Really Give Him A Chance

He’s such a good guy, my Someone New. I have finally made the decision to give him more of a chance. I keep him at an arm’s length all the time, and if I continue to do so, I think I’m going to push him away too far. He’s trying so hard to win over my affections, and slowly but surely, it’s working.

Most guys would have given up on me by now. I blow him out more often than I don’t. He’s always buying me little gifts and cute little trinkets and I barely remember the dates he asks me to schedule me in, weeks in advance. When I blew him out last night for a work related drama, he took it so well. Much better than I had anticipated, especially after the amount of effort he had put into the occasion. I would have been raging mad. And I often have been in the past. God, I’m such a hypocrite.

He was planning a nighttime picnic under the stars in his backyard, completely with (citronella) candles (to keep the bugs away), soft music, aphrodisiac food, wine, etc. All I needed to do was bring a picnic blanket and some croutons. Oh and turn up. I couldn’t even manage that.

What is wrong with me? This guy is too perfect for words. I really should be giving him more of a chance. Rather than focusing on the ridiculously stupid things he does wrong; those little things that aren’t even worth mentioning because they are so insignificant, I should focus on the stuff he does right. Which is an awful lot, now I come to think of it.

There was the beautiful Pandora Daisy ring he bought me for my birthday… Whilst in the store a while back, I happened to mention the pretty rings (whilst looking for a gift for someone else), that they didn’t have there to show him. Despite this, he not only remembered the ring, but also which particular style I had said I liked. And, and, and, he got my size right too. I don’t know how but he did.

Then there was the beautiful pink Parker pen he bought me, complete with pink unicorn notepad. All because I told him the story of the one I had when I was younger, that my Lil Sis broke. Bitch.

He listens. He learns. I can tell him anything and I know he will take it on board like an adult, and deal with the information appropriately… For the most part. He remembers things and buys little gifts, not because he’s trying to buy me over, but because he’s thinking of me and wants me to know as much. I really should more shit like that for him. Although the other day, I did send him a ‘love letter’…. One that didn’t actually contain the word ‘love’. That meant a lot to him, I could tell. It seemed appropriate, you know, seeing as he bought me a beautiful ink pen and all.

It was the pen that did the trick, and the letter was meant to be a way of me telling him that I was starting to catch up with him. That maybe, just maybe, he might be someone I could fall in love with. I think somehow, considering I didn’t think I was that interested to begin with, I think I already am. The unspoken hanging L-word seems to be hanging around us constantly. I’m not sure from which side…?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’ve fallen in love with this guy. I just think that maybe I am on my way to. Falling, if you like – I’ve been slightly tipped over the edge and I have started to make my descent.

Let’s face it – he deserves this chance, doesn’t he? He’s been such an adoring boyfriend up until this point, and he’s had more than his fair share of shit to deal with. For someone I didn’t think would last that long, he seems to be lasting just fine.

Cupid Was Busy Today.

Five years ago today, I flew to the other side of the world for Big Love. Today would also have been my two-year anniversary with my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. Pretty busy day for Cupid, it would seem.

Today was a weird day for me. I woke up to my TimeHop reminding me of my past failed relationships once again. I should probably just delete that application from my phone. On most days, it does more harm than good. This morning it was the first photos of me on the other side of the world. It was also the 365 little love notes I wrote Jock, and gave him on our one year anniversary last year.

I stalked him today, Jock I mean. Nothing has changed on his Facebook page since we broke up. I guess he made it private when we broke up. Once upon a time, all of his stuff was public. Not that it matters. He’s blocked on my Facebook. I couldn’t cope if he ever tried to message me again. My head, or my heart, would probably explode.

One day these special dates won’t bug me. In fact, that’s a lie. Some dates I won’t ever forget, but you know what I mean. They’ll just be a distant memory. They won’t be a stabbing reminder like they are now; like a gut to the heart every time I wake up and my phone reminds me of something yet again.

It’s funny when you think about how much has changed for me in five years. For some people, five years goes by like the blink of an eye but for me, everything has changed. Multiple times. I didn’t just stalk Jock today. I stalked One Ball too.

It seems he’s now full-time daddy to at least a couple of his kids now, and from his photos, looks happier than ever. I’m glad really. He didn’t desire the harsh brush-off I gave him. Sometimes Someone New reminds me of him. I just hope he doesn’t disappear out of my life in the same way. He doesn’t deserve it either.

I’m starting to wonder if there is a part of me refusing to move on from Jock because I’m still waiting for him. I’m still convinced we were ‘meant to be’, whatever that means. I’m still 100% convinced of it. I know we failed, and I know the reasons why, but in so many ways, he was the PERFECT man for me. You know when you just know? I just knew. I’m sure of it. Even now, seven or eight months after the split, I’m still convinced he was the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with, and if he turned up at my door right now, I’d melt into his arms in a heartbeat. I wonder if he knows that?

Today would have been the last love note that he opened from that jar. That’s assuming I did the maths right, of course. 365 tiny little hand-written love notes in 365 miniature handmade envelopes is hard work. I’m not entirely convinced there were 365 in there to begin with.

But today would have been the last one he opened. I’m still furious he didn’t give those back to me. I wonder what he did with them? I wonder if he threw them out after I told him I was getting rid of the handmade Ducati shoes he made me? I never did get rid of them of course. They mean so much to me. Everything from him does. I wonder if the same could be said for him. He seemed to get over me pretty quick so I doubt it, but I wonder if he ever pined for me in the same way I pined for him? I wonder if he ever thinks about me like I think about him?

Sometimes I wonder why I even care.

But what if I don’t ever get over him? What if I always cling to the last fading memories of him, letting every good guy pass me by? Every good guy like Someone New. In so many ways he’s the perfect man. But do I see myself spending the rest of my life with him? Marrying him? Having babies with him? No I don’t think so. Am I allowed to say that?

I hate days like today.

The Etiquette of Sex

Right, I want to talk about the etiquette of sex. To be more precise, I want to talk about why guys feel the need to climax inside me after just three minutes of rampant bonking, ruining the rest of my night.

Let me set the scene…

It was a few weeks ago, and Someone New and I had been out for dinner and a few cocktails. More than a few, if I’m honest. I was undisputedly pissed. We headed back to his where he did his thing on the couch like he does, and it wasn’t long before we were heading to bed. It was my birthday just two days later, and because I wasn’t going to see him on the actual day, we made Thursday my birthday.

I was expecting some serious birthday sex. I had packed the We Vibe, a very clever little toy that I seem to have great results with. He brought the popping candy, ready to make my vagina tingle later on that night. I straddled him, and gave him his preview ‘dip-in, dip-out’ except it felt good…. So I carried on.

Two and a half minutes later, he apologised. What a fucking prick. He’d only gone and climaxed inside me. Yep, spunked his load right inside me. Great, thanks for that. Now he won’t go down on me. That’s it. He’s going to fall asleep now. He can’t touch me because I’m all gungy. That was my birthday sex? Three minutes of grunting, and thats it? I may have already done my thing (because he’d already preheated my oven on the couch, and I was raring to go before I even touched him) but that’s not the point.

THAT was my birthday sex?!

I got really annoyed by this because I like to think of myself as a VERY considerate lover. I may come across selfish at first but that’s because I’m super shy about my body, and about sex. I never used to be like this, but with the weight loss and awful bowel condition has come a lot of self-esteem issues. I also blame Jock a bit. Why not?

I don’t get to see my boyfriend very often, so when I do, I like to make it a REALLY good time. I put a lot of effort into getting ready after all, it’s only once a week / every couple of weeks. I shave EVERYWHERE. I make sure I’m baby-smooth. I lotion myself up so that I feel good and smell good. I wear nice and pretty makeup that I know he likes. I wear dresses and skirts for him, so that means extra leg-work and fake tan. I paint my toe nails so that they are a different colour or style every time I see him. I like to make sure I’ve had my acrylic nails done, and that my hair looks nice too. It might seem like a lot of hard work but that’s just what I like to do. I have a routine. I look forward to doing it. I put happy music on and smoke a joint as I get ready, excited to see him (at times).

So, when I get there, he’d best have put in some hard work too. He should have manscaped. At the very least, he should have shaved his balls. Someone New doesn’t do this, and I don’t really know how to broach the conversation with him.

“Hey honey, how are you doing today? Any chance you can de-fuzz your balls for the next time I’m around, so I don’t gag on the hairs in my mouth. Otherwise, I won’t be putting them in my mouth at all. Please and thank you!”

You can’t really say that to your boyfriend of six months, can you? I’ve not even farted in front of him yet. Considering I have a bowel issue, I’ve only pooped there twice. Trust me on this, it’s been emotional.

There’s a rule here – the etiquette of sex. If you haven’t seen your beloved for a while, and you’re pretty sure you’re going to cum within three minutes of thrusting into her, you get the blowjob out the way nice and early. If she doesn’t like doing it to you, just request it once. Make sure you haven’t jerked off earlier on that day. You’ll only last three minutes in her mouth because it’s such a rare treat, she won’t get bored or get a sore jaw, you’ll praise her and return the favour, she’ll learn that blowjobs work well to get her what she wants and be more likely to do them again in the future. Seriously, if it only takes three minutes (which it normally does), she won’t mind so much.

I did the blowjob thing and he stopped me! He pulled me on top of him! It was his fault he slid right on inside me, and it was his fault that he came and ruined my birthday sex night. We had toys and treats and it was over in three minutes. Not surprisingly, I turned right on over, with my back to him, and huffed myself to sleep. That’ll teach him. He can sit there and listen to me grumpy.

He made it up to me the next morning, of course. He’s a great guy. There’s still no real connection between us, but I think I am starting to like him a bit more. Or maybe it was just the real good sex we had the next day….? That shower sex!

Come back for that – its another story for another day.

The moral of this story – blowjobs have their place. If he’d let me finish my oral work, he would never have cum inside me, and the night would have gone very differently.

The Etiquette of Sex

Just saying.