The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I’ve Ever Had – Part Three

Have you read Part One and Part Two yet? You might want to go back and read those first! 🙂

The last story I seemed to have a hard time with as I didn’t want to re-mention old stories. Like the guy with the silk boxer shorts that waddled towards me whilst pulling on a condom, and almost suffocated me with his huge, tall body on the couch. Or the Prison Warden guy with this knee-high football socks and THAT awkward threesome.

Gosh I really was a slut. Notice the was though – I’m nothing like that now thankfully. My behaviour back then makes me cringe. I’m just glad social media hadn’t been invented at that point.

I think I’m going to have to go with Number 18 for this one. The Prison Guy.

I don’t really know what happened with this guy. He had just gotten out of prison and was honestly, not an attractive creature. I don’t even know how I met him, although I used to hang around with his girlfriend and we worked together for a while, so I can only assume it was that. Honestly though – she wasn’t all that either and she could have done so much better than this guy. He really was a fucking skank.

He was my friend though, and one night we found ourselves alone in his halfway house that I found myself hanging out in for a spell. I was living with my Grandmother and seriously rebelling I think – drinking too much and smoking too much pot. It wasn’t long before we were stripping and when his pants were removed, I literally stopped dead.

He had no penis. Like, I’m not even kidding. He had NO penis. It was smaller than my little finger ERECT and I have really small hands. It was tiny. And it was no bigger in girth either. Perhaps a tad but not much. I remember trying to close my mouth around it at one point and there was nothing to it, it was impossible to blow!

I don’t actually think we can class what we did as real, actual sex. I’m sure it didn’t even go in far enough to warrant calling it sex. Plus he came real quick. Clearly I was the best thing he’d had in his bed for a while.

I’m not proud of that moment, and I don’t admit it to anyone else. Mostly because she announced she was pregnant the next day, and the day after that he was arrested for robbing my Grandmother’s friend who lived up the road in the middle of the night. I remember hiding his stuff and trying to keep a straight face as I lied to the police about knowing his whereabouts but now I kick myself. He would have robbed my Grandmother in a heartbeat. I don’t know why I helped him, or why I classed him as a friend. I definitely have no idea why I got into bed with him. I can only assume I was rebelling to a very serious degree.

That’s what I’m putting it down to anyway.

I always thought I had no regrets in life and that I learned from every sexual experience but that one is a genuine regret. I’m pretty sure they’re still together and have probably had an estate’s worth of children by now. They deserved each other. They were both skanks. I always knew I was better than that. Except at the time, I wasn’t.

So yeah. Those are what I would class to be my three weirdest, strangest, most bizarre sexual experiences ever. Why don’t you carry on and tell me yours? Link to me – I want to read allllllllll about it.

Seriously though. Not proud of these moments of my life. I’m hanging my head in shame right now. All experience I guess…..

The Weirdest Sexual Experiences I've Ever Had

The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I’ve Ever Had – Part Two

You may remember that I wrote a post a couple of days ago – The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I’ve Ever Had? Well…. This is the second part of it! 🙂

The second weirdest sexual experience I’ve had doesn’t involve a garden shed. I was about the same age however, this time I was single. And didn’t I know it.

Bestie and I lived together in this tiny little apartment that we trashed, quite frankly. We had a Halloween party one night and it was quite the talk of the town. We had covered all the walls of the apartment in black garbage bags, and had scattered fake spiders, glow in the dark silly string, and all manner of other halloweeny-themed decorations around.

I was dressed as a sexy vampire with a corset that tucked my boobs right under my chin. I looked good that night with my high platform boots and the fangs that made me look so much naughtier than normal. My main intention that night was to get laid. That’s why I wore that corset. It made my waist look tiny and my tits look massive. There is no other reason to wear a corset. It’s not like they’re a comfortable item of clothing.

However, my main intention was to get laid. What I didn’t expect was quite as many options…

I had invited a number of people to the party, some of which were ex work colleagues. There was Goth Guy – the Marilyn Manson lookalike with a MASSIVE cock. One of my female friends dated him for a while (I slept with her too – oops), and apparently, he had the biggest cock she had ever seen in her life. I didn’t get that far. We had a few nights where we came pretty close but for some reason, the deed was never done. I don’t know why.

Anyway, by the end of the night, he was naked in my bed, waiting for me to join him. The only problem with this is that there was ALSO the cute, curly-haired guy from work chatting me up in the kitchen, and he clearly thought he was in with a chance too. I needed to make my mind up because the end of the night was getting really close. Plus Bestie was getting annoyed. He knew he’d probably end up having to get rid of the ones I didn’t want for the night. Male best friend duties…? (I’d do the same for him, and have done a few times.)

There was one other guy at the party – a guy whose name I can’t remember, but I invited him because he was my ‘back-up guy’. I knew I could have him if it all fell through with everyone else. Well, he thought he was going to be more than my back-up plan and got really clingy and annoying, so I started with a fight with him just so I could get him to leave.

Just as I was making my mind up, right at the end of the night, The Fireman – the guy mentioned in the first weird sex story, knocked on my door. He had been on a night out himself. One minute we were talking by the front door and the next, he was hanging out the back of me, as I was hanging out my bathroom window. Everyone else was still partying away and getting in the last of the booze before the daylight hours hit, and I was getting fucked in my bathroom. The naked guy was still in my bed, and the curly haired guy was still waiting for me in the kitchen… Right next door to the bathroom.

(The fuck was I thinking?)

I could hear Bestie calling me from the living room so I did what I do best – I ran. The Fireman only lived a little way down the road, so without even grabbing my shoes, we waited until there was no longer anyone in the kitchen, bolted down the stairs, and headed for his where we had a night of what always happens when we get between the sheets – AMAZING sex.

Of course, the morning after the night before was a total nightmare. I didn’t even think to grab my purse before I left, and I didn’t grab a pair of shoes either. He didn’t have any cash on him, so at 8am the next morning, I did the walk of shame pure-tramp style, with no shoes on, a halloween corset tucking my tits under my chin, and last night’s horror makeup smeared all around my face.

I can only imagine it was an attractive look…

But yeah, having that many guys literally panting for me in one house was definitely one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had. It’s not one I think I’d like to recreate anytime soon. It still makes me cringe.

I don’t really know what I was thinking back then. I was bullied pretty badly at school so male attention was something that never really came easy for me. That was, of course, until I left school and got my first job where I happened to be surrounded by teenage lads with raging hormones… and I was a pretty little blonde thing who was finding herself sexually. That’s what I blame – finding myself sexually. I guess in reality, I was just a bit of a slut. And why not? Who cares? I used a condom, was sexually smart, and I like to think I learned a few things along the way.

Not that I’m justifying it, of course. I don’t need to justify it to anyone.

So that’s my second weird sex story. The night I was part of an actual mating ritual.

The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I've Ever Had

The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I’ve Ever Had

I read this thing on Facebook on one of those article sites that gets shared a thousand times, and it was all about this one girl’s three weirdest and funniest sexual experiences, and man, were they funny.

My 3 Most Horrible (And Hilarious) Sexual Encounters

I decided to have a go at this myself seeing as we all know how weird and wonderful my sex life has been over the years. I have decided to share with you the three weirdest sexual experiences  I’ve ever had.

Are you ready? Sitting comfortably? Ready to cringe with me?

I had to put some serious thought into this as, I’m going to be honest, I’ve had more bad, nasty, and downright weird sexual occurrences than I would openly like to admit to.

Guy Number 3 on my list was a pretty weird situation, so I’m going to put this one at number three on this list.

It was me, my boyfriend (Number 4 – The Fireman), Number 3, and his girlfriend. We’d been out drinking together until the early hours of the morning, aged around 18/19, and after the pubs were done and we were all good and kicked out, we decided to keep the party going.

On the way home to my guy’s house, someone mentioned a foursome, and the idea kinda picked up speed from there. Fuelled with amounts of booze that a sailor on leave would be proud of, we stormed back to boyfy’s house, only to remember that not only was his entire family home, but he had relatives staying on the living room floor as well.

We were so far gone in our alcohol-fuelled horn-dog states, we would have carried on that particular party anywhere and we did…. In my boyfriend’s garden shed.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like a falling down wreck or anything like that. In fact, it was a relatively new shed and once we were done with it, was quite the romantic get-up with candles, soft music, and plenty more booze. Before I knew it, we were stripping off, and there was a lot of things happening all at once.

My boyfriend was kissing me, and Number 3 was kissing his girlfriend. Then I heard noises that suggested they weren’t just kissing anymore and all of a sudden, we weren’t just kissing anymore either. I don’t remember an awful lot of the night, mostly because of the vast amount of booze we drank but also because it was about a million years ago, but I do remember both of us girls being on my boyfriend’s dick at one point. When it was time for me to enjoy my fill, with all three of the others focusing all of their attention on me, my boyfriend decided he ‘couldn’t do it anymore’. He pulled out the safe word – Eeyore.

Hey, don’t judge – it’s a safe word that works!

We had a massive fight after that night came to an abrupt end, and he accused me of cheating on him which was quite ironic seeing as he got played with and I didn’t, so to speak.

I slept with Number 3 in the end anyway, a while later. In fact, I’m pretty sure he cheated on the same girlfriend with me. They are married now and have had a couple of kids, but I bet he didn’t forget that night in the shed, or the night we had, just us two, that followed.

So, part one done. I realised this post was going to be much longer than anticipated so I’ll do the good thing and break it up for you.

Keep your eyes peeled for part two, and while you’re there – tell me your most embarrassing / weird sex stories. It can’t just be me…

The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I've Ever Had

It’s Not A Good Morning

It's Not A Good Morning

I woke up to this photo and it was like a stab to the heart. I’m starting to really hate my TimeHop app, but I’m a masochist and for some reason, I just can’t delete it. Or turn off the notifications. Nope – I decide to give myself daily reminders of past loves gone by. Past loves that aren’t entirely in the past.

I’m pretty sure I’ve told you about this day before. It was the day after the night before. We’d gotten drunk and had our first fight. He was throwing his cash around and generally getting on my nerves, and before I knew it, I was drunk and I slapped him around the face. I’m still not one hundred percent sure why I did that, but it sure was funny afterwards. I’m glad he never took that seriously. I think he knew it was just my way of seeing how far I could push him. After being married to a man that would punch me in the face basically every time he got drunk, I needed to be sure that wasn’t going to happen with Jock too.

The next day, we were hungover as balls and we got ourselves a prepared sandwich and pork-pie picnic and headed to the beach. Lying on the big rocks on the secluded sea front, enjoying the cool breeze and forgetting about sun cream in the baking summer sun… It was a perfect day. Or it would have been if it weren’t for the hangover.

I’m pretty sure we had bumped into his ex that night, and he’d made a comment that upset me. It was the first night she ruined our time together but it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. I wish I had know two years ago today how much hassle she was going to cause me. I don’t think I would have gone through with it all a second time around.

When I saw that photo though, it wasn’t that fight I remembered. It was the amazing day afterwards where we apologised profusely to each other and promised it wouldn’t happen again. It rarely did, thankfully but that’s only because we didn’t drink together that often. It was probably for the best. Every time we did, it was a total disaster.

I still want him back so much, you know. It’s not as bad now as it was a few months ago, but my longing for him is still much stronger than it should be. I’m still convinced that somehow, someday we’ll get back together. I’m still sure he was my Prince Charming. I just think we both fucked it up. I made mistakes too. It wasn’t all him.

As much as my Someone New is starting to nestle his way into my heart, I can’t get Jock out of my head completely. Nor do I want to. Even after all this time, there is still a very big part of me that wants him right back in my life again. It was all so easy when he was in my life and although we fought like cat and dog sometimes, I was happy. I was. I really, really was.

I’m starting to wonder if maybe there was something in us, and whether we both gave up too soon. He stretched out to me and sent that message a few months ago, didn’t he? What happens if I am right, and you’re all wrong? All you people telling me he’s no good for me… What if you’re wrong? You only see things from my point of view, don’t you? You don’t hear about how unreasonable HE thinks I’m being. Because trust me, unreasonable is my middle name sometimes. Even Someone New has realised that now.

The point I’m trying to make here is, what if he was my one? I know we had down’s but man, did we have up’s too. I know I deserved more, and sometimes he did too, but he’s all I want. Even right now, sat in my bed at 01:24 in the morning, crying, listening to Paolo Nutini’s Better Man. Because he sent me that song and I like to think that at the time, he meant every word of it.

I love him. And I’m starting to wonder if this heartache will ever go away. Because right now, as pissed off and sad as he made me sometimes, it still wasn’t halfway near as bad as the pain I feel when I realise we aren’t together anymore. Like this morning when I woke up to that godamn photo that broke my heart all over again. I love him and I miss him. And I really want him back.

But still, I don’t message him because everyone keeps telling me I shouldn’t. I don’t un-block him in the hope he and sends me another message. I don’t do any of the things I want to do, because it’s ‘bad’.

But honestly, why is it so bad? If it would make me happy, having him back in my life, why would it be so bad?

When Karma Keeps Comin’

So, I’ve figured out the answer to the question. How do you make a relationship with Big Love last longer than two years?

The answer – get yourself pregnant.

Talking to some of my girls on the other side of the world, bitching about the Beluga Whale and Little Miss Sunshine and their current ‘being-sued situation‘, and I learned some new information.

Big Love got fired from his job. Boom.

He had to move away. Boom.

He accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Boom.

Well, well, well, what with Big Love and Beluga Whale, karma is on fine form right now, don’t you think?

For a split second, my heart pined. I’m happy for him though! Genuinely. I’m clapping my hands with glee and excitement over the fact he fucked up his life once again, going from a job where he was earning thousands every month to being a manager of some crappy little vitamin store, but I’m happy for him. Apparently that’s where I went wrong – I didn’t accidentally get myself up the duff. That’s the trick to making a relationship with him last longer than two years.

You see, right at the beginning of our love affair he told me just that – he couldn’t seem to hold a relationship down for longer than 18 months / two years. He hadn’t managed it with girls before me and go figure, he couldn’t manage it with me either. I know he has been with the girl he’s with now for a while, maybe even around the two year mark. They split up for a while, and he dated someone else. A few months ago during one of my late-night insomnia stalk fests, I realised they were back together. Not just that but the bubbly blonde had dyed her hair a dark brunette colour, and she had recently liked a ‘mother’s working from home’ page….

At the time I wondered if she could be pregnant and once again, I have learned to trust my gut instinct. I’m always right about these things. I like to think my female intuition is on fine form.

When I heard the confirmation, I didn’t feel quite as shitty as I thought I might have done. I always thought that finding out Big Love found his happy ending with someone else would make me cry, but it didn’t. I couldn’t even find one tear for him, and I think I know why. It’s because I’m older and wiser now, and although I loved him and would have done anything for him, I knew he was bad news. We were bad news for each other. I made him take drugs, and he made me cut myself. It was a recipe for disaster and I know, regardless of how much it broke my heart at the time, parting ways was the smartest choice. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed? Maybe I would still have been working for Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale, and I’d be caught up in the shit they’re going through right now.

Everything in life happens for a reason. I know that now. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it’s bad or good. There’s a reason we didn’t work out, Big Love and I, and there’s a reason I left the country, my friends, the bad work place…

I guess I’m just thankful. I’m thankful that I’ve been through the heartbreaking ordeals that I’ve been through. I like to think it has made me a much smarter person, and although I still make l mistakes, at least I won’t make those again.

I must admit though, it’s still a little gutting to learn that my dickhead ex-boyfriend is having a kid and I’m not. Especially seeing as he already has one child he doesn’t see or want.

When Karma Keeps Comin'

It’s Bittersweet – Karma

In advance, I must say that I will probably come across a right bitch here. I don’t know if you remember, but quite a while ago I had a rant about the mother and daughter disaster combo I once worked with on the other side of the world? I say worked with, I mean slaved for.

Well apparently today, karma well and truly bit them on the ass.

If you can’t be bothered to read the link (don’t worry, I’m not judging, I’m lazy too), I’ll give you a refresher course. They had me by the balls with my work situation and they were well aware of it, and they exploited me for everything they could. I worked every hour under the sun for what really was shit pay for what I did, and I basically had to manage and organise two of the most disorganised people in the world. Disorganised, vain, off their head on the craziest drink and drug cocktails, and with absolutely zero people skills.

The mother, Little Miss Sunshine; she wasn’t too bad. When she was on her own, she was actually a lovely person, and my heart goes out to her right now because I wholeheartedly believe she doesn’t deserve a moment of this. She was a good person, deep down, but I think she was just so drugged up on a cocktail of pills to help her get through the day, her cruel, evil daughter completely led her astray. The weird money-making schemes – they were all Beluga Whale. She would shout and scream until she got her own way, turning on anyone that dared step into her path, and more often than not, she would get her own way, leaving a trial of destruction in her wake. I was normally the one to console her sobbing mother, and clean up behind her.

One of my other-side-of-the-world ladies sent me a WhatsApp message.

“Have you seen this yet?”

It was a story that had broken on a local news site and then on Facebook, describing how Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale were getting sued because of their dodgy work activities. To be honest, I’m surprised they hadn’t gotten into trouble a lot sooner, and at first, I was secretly pleased that I had gotten my wish and karma had finally bit them on the ass.

The things that were in the news report were enough to make anyone cringe. What they had apparently done really was pretty unspeakable. They are pretty well known in the town too, and it wasn’t long before the Likes and Shares on the Facebook post had gone up. I took a sneaky peek on her Instagram page and noticed that she was deleting her images one by one – right there in front of me. Then she deleted her Facebook page. The backlash had started. The girl was going into hiding. It’s probably for the best. I happen to know a number of the allegations were true. Or at least they were all those years ago, and I wouldn’t imagine anything had changed.

As I saw the massive number of comments going up and up and up, my heart went out to them. Little Miss Sunshine more than Beluga Whale, of course, but it still did. What they were going through, what they were about to go through, it’s truly awful. They are essentially about to be run out of their home town. They are probably going to lose their family business – the only thing they know. They are probably going to lose everything. And the worst of it is, they deserve it. Well, one of them does.

They have screwed so many people over across the years, even in the course of their business by ‘omitting’ information and ‘submitting’ little white lies, forging signatures, you name it. I’m very surprised the shit they are going through right now hasn’t happened sooner, but despite getting the karma that I think they deserve, I can’t help but feel incredibly sorry for them. It makes me realise I’m a much better person than I give myself credit for.

I don’t know. I don’t really know the point I’m trying to make here. It just affected me, seeing the things that people were saying about them. These people aren’t people that knew the girls like I did, and although I agreed with the things they were saying, I still felt as if I should be defending them. I didn’t. I just sat back and watched the drama unfold.

The Beluga Whale deleted me from Instagram, and she blocked me too. I have a number of business accounts so I can still see her if I wanted to, plus Bestie and her are still following each other, so I can still see. Idiot. Part of me is wondering why they are going into social media hiding? So they can’t see the things that people are saying about them? Just because they can no longer see them, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I just don’t see the point, you know? Surely they must both know they are going down with this shit storm? I don’t see any way that they could get out of it, you know, seeing as most of what I read I personally knew to be true. Surely it would be better to go down with dignity than go into hiding?

Not that it matters, they no longer speak to me. The Beluga Whale got what she wanted out of me when I was in her country. Now I’m not, she has no use for me. That’s why I was easy to socially delete in the first place. It’s funny because I always defended them. I actually thought we were friends.

You know, girls fuck each other over way more than guys fuck girls over. It’s just almost acceptable when its a girl knifing you in the back. If she had been a dude, I would have walked away a lot sooner than I did, and even when I did, it was because I was leaving the country.

It’s bittersweet – karma. I’m glad they got their comeuppance, but I feel bad for them too. The shit they are about to go through, that they are going through; I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone someone I once classed as my friend.

Good luck girls. You’re gonna need it this time. 

It's Bittersweet - Karma

Cupid Was Busy Today.

Five years ago today, I flew to the other side of the world for Big Love. Today would also have been my two-year anniversary with my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. Pretty busy day for Cupid, it would seem.

Today was a weird day for me. I woke up to my TimeHop reminding me of my past failed relationships once again. I should probably just delete that application from my phone. On most days, it does more harm than good. This morning it was the first photos of me on the other side of the world. It was also the 365 little love notes I wrote Jock, and gave him on our one year anniversary last year.

I stalked him today, Jock I mean. Nothing has changed on his Facebook page since we broke up. I guess he made it private when we broke up. Once upon a time, all of his stuff was public. Not that it matters. He’s blocked on my Facebook. I couldn’t cope if he ever tried to message me again. My head, or my heart, would probably explode.

One day these special dates won’t bug me. In fact, that’s a lie. Some dates I won’t ever forget, but you know what I mean. They’ll just be a distant memory. They won’t be a stabbing reminder like they are now; like a gut to the heart every time I wake up and my phone reminds me of something yet again.

It’s funny when you think about how much has changed for me in five years. For some people, five years goes by like the blink of an eye but for me, everything has changed. Multiple times. I didn’t just stalk Jock today. I stalked One Ball too.

It seems he’s now full-time daddy to at least a couple of his kids now, and from his photos, looks happier than ever. I’m glad really. He didn’t desire the harsh brush-off I gave him. Sometimes Someone New reminds me of him. I just hope he doesn’t disappear out of my life in the same way. He doesn’t deserve it either.

I’m starting to wonder if there is a part of me refusing to move on from Jock because I’m still waiting for him. I’m still convinced we were ‘meant to be’, whatever that means. I’m still 100% convinced of it. I know we failed, and I know the reasons why, but in so many ways, he was the PERFECT man for me. You know when you just know? I just knew. I’m sure of it. Even now, seven or eight months after the split, I’m still convinced he was the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with, and if he turned up at my door right now, I’d melt into his arms in a heartbeat. I wonder if he knows that?

Today would have been the last love note that he opened from that jar. That’s assuming I did the maths right, of course. 365 tiny little hand-written love notes in 365 miniature handmade envelopes is hard work. I’m not entirely convinced there were 365 in there to begin with.

But today would have been the last one he opened. I’m still furious he didn’t give those back to me. I wonder what he did with them? I wonder if he threw them out after I told him I was getting rid of the handmade Ducati shoes he made me? I never did get rid of them of course. They mean so much to me. Everything from him does. I wonder if the same could be said for him. He seemed to get over me pretty quick so I doubt it, but I wonder if he ever pined for me in the same way I pined for him? I wonder if he ever thinks about me like I think about him?

Sometimes I wonder why I even care.

But what if I don’t ever get over him? What if I always cling to the last fading memories of him, letting every good guy pass me by? Every good guy like Someone New. In so many ways he’s the perfect man. But do I see myself spending the rest of my life with him? Marrying him? Having babies with him? No I don’t think so. Am I allowed to say that?

I hate days like today.