The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I’ve Ever Had

I read this thing on Facebook on one of those article sites that gets shared a thousand times, and it was all about this one girl’s three weirdest and funniest sexual experiences, and man, were they funny.

My 3 Most Horrible (And Hilarious) Sexual Encounters

I decided to have a go at this myself seeing as we all know how weird and wonderful my sex life has been over the years. I have decided to share with you the three weirdest sexual experiences  I’ve ever had.

Are you ready? Sitting comfortably? Ready to cringe with me?

I had to put some serious thought into this as, I’m going to be honest, I’ve had more bad, nasty, and downright weird sexual occurrences than I would openly like to admit to.

Guy Number 3 on my list was a pretty weird situation, so I’m going to put this one at number three on this list.

It was me, my boyfriend (Number 4 – The Fireman), Number 3, and his girlfriend. We’d been out drinking together until the early hours of the morning, aged around 18/19, and after the pubs were done and we were all good and kicked out, we decided to keep the party going.

On the way home to my guy’s house, someone mentioned a foursome, and the idea kinda picked up speed from there. Fuelled with amounts of booze that a sailor on leave would be proud of, we stormed back to boyfy’s house, only to remember that not only was his entire family home, but he had relatives staying on the living room floor as well.

We were so far gone in our alcohol-fuelled horn-dog states, we would have carried on that particular party anywhere and we did…. In my boyfriend’s garden shed.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like a falling down wreck or anything like that. In fact, it was a relatively new shed and once we were done with it, was quite the romantic get-up with candles, soft music, and plenty more booze. Before I knew it, we were stripping off, and there was a lot of things happening all at once.

My boyfriend was kissing me, and Number 3 was kissing his girlfriend. Then I heard noises that suggested they weren’t just kissing anymore and all of a sudden, we weren’t just kissing anymore either. I don’t remember an awful lot of the night, mostly because of the vast amount of booze we drank but also because it was about a million years ago, but I do remember both of us girls being on my boyfriend’s dick at one point. When it was time for me to enjoy my fill, with all three of the others focusing all of their attention on me, my boyfriend decided he ‘couldn’t do it anymore’. He pulled out the safe word – Eeyore.

Hey, don’t judge – it’s a safe word that works!

We had a massive fight after that night came to an abrupt end, and he accused me of cheating on him which was quite ironic seeing as he got played with and I didn’t, so to speak.

I slept with Number 3 in the end anyway, a while later. In fact, I’m pretty sure he cheated on the same girlfriend with me. They are married now and have had a couple of kids, but I bet he didn’t forget that night in the shed, or the night we had, just us two, that followed.

So, part one done. I realised this post was going to be much longer than anticipated so I’ll do the good thing and break it up for you.

Keep your eyes peeled for part two, and while you’re there – tell me your most embarrassing / weird sex stories. It can’t just be me…

The 3 Weirdest Sexual Experiences I've Ever Had

Why Do I Hate Being Single?

I admitted something that no girl should ever admit to it one of my last posts, and it’s been bugging me a little so I feel the need to explain it. Slash talk it over.

I HATE being single. I actually hate it. But why? Why do I feel the need to bounce from relationship to relationship, often having the next guy lined up before I’ve even ditched the one I’m with? What’s up with that?

I actually Googled this, and I found one article which I feel the need to share. It was written by a guy who was asking the question – why can’t girls just be single, before going on to list a whole bunch of reasons why being single rocks.

The article in question: The Security Of Relationships: Why Can’t You Just Be Single?

Being single is cheaper. OK, I can’t deny that one. I seem to spend a fortune on my dates, even when we don’t do anything at all, and every single one of my male companions has destroyed my bank account. Big Love was one of the worst, but Jock was something else entirely. That guy couldn’t manage his own money if he tried.

“Being single allows you to feel more in control, more present within yourself. Most importantly, it allows you to get to know yourself; it introduces you to the real you.”

I DON’T feel more in control of things when I’m single. I feel like my life is running away from me, and I’m powerless to stop it. I’m going to be thirty next year, and then what? They say that life begins at 30, or 40, or whatever age you happen to be hitting at that time. They say that “30 is the new black” and other such bullshit. I’m meant to be happy about the fact I’m now in the last year of my twenties, but all I feel is dread. Fertility goes down after you reach 30, or so every single godamn daytime TV show is telling me. In the midst of a cervical cancer scare / situation, I’m now faced with the dilemma of whether or not I should freeze my eggs, and I’m starting to question whether my internal bits even work at all.

I get asked if I’m married, being one year away from thirty, and when I tell them no, well actually yes, but on my way to being divorced, they look at me like I’m some sort of weird alien. Almost thirty with no kids and no husband in tow? Shocker. In fact, that reminds me of my interview for the job I just quit. One man and one woman, both in their 30’s or over were interviewing me, and one of the questions I was forced to answer was why I hadn’t got a career sorted yet, or started a family? The question made me stumble and after I walked out of that job interview, I cried. I felt like I was failing at life. Mid-to-late twenties (at the time) and childless, husband-less, and career-less. What a failure.

Women are meant to be empowered these days, taking things at their own pace and having a career and going travelling before settling down later on to have a family. Take my mother and my aunt – my mother had me at 20, my sister 5 years later, and has bounced from man to man ever since. She’s skint, miserable, and wishes she was anywhere but here.

Her sister, my aunt, on the other hand, is a couple of years younger than my mother, never had kids, tried for kids with her ex-fiance but after ten years and no pitter-patter of tiny little feet even after IVF, they broke up. She’s had a wealth of shit since, dating a guy who then got a much younger girl pregnant behind her back, sending her a little crazy (or a lot), before finally settling down with the guy she’s with, that already has three kids in tow. They’re engaged now, but since she met him, I’ve barely heard from her. Bad woman.

She’s a lot richer than my mother, and is a lot more sensible with her money. They are like chalk and cheese, blonde and brunette. I always figured my aunt was my idol. I always envied her life of nice holidays, plus designer clothes, handbags and crockery. I just think she’s a bit of a bitch now.

My sister got engaged a few days ago. She’s a few years younger than me. We’re not talking, so I found out from Facebook which was nice (not), and it was just another kick in the teeth – she’s winning at life. I’m failing at life. I bet her marriage lasts longer than mine did too.

I don’t have time to be single. If a cervical cancer scare does anything, it certainly reminds you of your own mortality, and the fact that having children is a privilege and not a given right. Some people don’t deserve children, my absent father being one of them. I don’t care how great he is with the two kids (maybe more) that he has now. He was a waste of space father to me. I’ve always blamed his absence for my poor choices in love.

But I want children one day. I’ve had passing phases before, but there’s a longing somewhere, and I think it’s coming from my womb. It started when I was with Jock. It’s a shame he fucked that up.

Let’s say I decide to be single for a while though, to ‘find myself’ and other such bullshit. What would happen? That takes me to what, my early to mid thirties? I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone that I hadn’t known for a few years first, so that takes me to mid to late thirties. And what happens then if it takes a while? Before you know it, I’ll be 40, and having children is something that will never happen for me.

That aside, I don’t think I need to ‘find myself’. I’ve found myself, and I quite like the person I am right now. I’m just me now, no pretence, no bullshit. I’ve had too much crap over the years, and I’m too tired to have a drama-filled life. That’s exactly why I’m not talking to half of my family, and also why I just quit my job. I just can’t handle the drama anymore, and neither can my body.

There was one paragraph that really stood out for me. It actually made me quite mad.

“But you can’t force love. It simply doesn’t work like that. So why force relationships? What’s the point of having a partner for 6 months at a time? You can’t get to really know most people within 6 months — at least not enough to date them, get fed up with them and have a reason to split up. If you can’t stay in a relationship with someone for at least a year then you shouldn’t have been dating them in the first place.”

OK, so to some degree, I can understand why this guy would say this. But, and there’s a massive but here, the REAL WORLD doesn’t work anything like that.

I’ve been dating Someone New for five months now, and I’m still in the in-between stage where I’m just not sure if he’s someone I would want to be with long-term. There is NOTHING wrong with him, he’s not a bad guy, and he’s been nothing but a great boyfriend to me, but there is something missing. If I break up with him now, I’ll be saving him a whole world of pain. I’ve been at the receiving end of someone dragging out the end of a relationship, and I’ve also given someone else that same awful treatment. It’s not nice. If I stay in this relationship, continuing to be unsure of whether we will work, he’s going to fall in love with me. He’s already made it clear he is falling. Why would I want to wait for that to happen to ditch him? Isn’t that much crueler?

Plus he’s older than I am by a couple of years. Why would I want to waste his time? He’s told me he doesn’t want kids, but at times he talks as if maybe he would change his mind. But surely we are doomed right from the start? If I kinda want kids, and he kinda doesn’t, isn’t that just a time-wasting recipe for disaster?

Plus, the writer kinda criticises his own point when he says this:

“One of my least favorite feelings is that feeling when you understand the relationship isn’t going anywhere and you can already see it crumbling at the edges, yet still being reluctant to end things — or maybe just scared to do so.”

Just saying.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bashing this guy. If I wasn’t in my current situation right now, I’d probably totally agree with him. I know that relationship-hopping isn’t good. I’m not deluded enough to think that this is a healthy approach to dating. But at the same time, what other option do I have? Sit back and wait for love to find me? Because I’m an anonymous full-time writer with social anxiety and a weird bowel disorder. I barely leave my house. In fact, I barely leave my bed. I’ve never been happier! 🙂

But yeah, unless he’s my postman, he’s gonna have a hard time finding me. And my postman is a prick. So I wouldn’t image we’ll fall in love.

Being single scares me. I’m a woman approaching her thirties and I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to say that. Loving yourself – yeah, that’s cool. I love the fact I love myself now, even though I am fine-tuning and tweaking a few bits around the edges. But surely having someone else love you, warts and all, is the ultimate validation that you are pretty much a decent person? The fact that I’ve failed at every relationship I’ve ever been, and there have been more than a few, doesn’t bode well for me, and although I know I’m not entirely to blame for all the shit that went down, I can put my hand up to a great deal of it. I was a bitch. I was a crazy bitch.

I don’t have time to be single. I don’t want to be single either. I like being part of something – a special little partnership for two. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I’ll stay in a relationship even though I’m not happy, but if I’m single, it generally won’t stay that way for very long. It never has.

Plus circumstance plays a massive part. The day I ditched one of my last boyfriends, I went on to POF to delete my dating profile, and up popped my Beautiful Tattooed Jock into my life. My heart might be hurting for him right now, but he was a very big and beautiful part of my life, and I wouldn’t change a single bit of it. Well, apart from the horrid ending of course.

I guess that answers the question – why can’t I just be single? I’m too scared of not having kids to be single, too scared I’ll miss what might end up being the love of my life. What if I’ve already met him and passed him by? What if he is living and breathing right under my nose with each and every that passes?

Who knows?

I can tell you this though. I’m not waiting around to find out. I’ll be moving on.


21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

1. Is my eyeliner the same on both eyes? I’m sure the flick on the left eye is bigger…?

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

2. My jeans feel tighter. Crap… Have I put on weight? Where are my scales?

3. Why won’t my hair grow faster?

4. I wonder if I’d look good with my lip pierced again…?

5. Why can’t I have long, beautiful hair like THAT girl. (*Normally accompanied by creeper-style staring)

6. I shouldn’t have a Gregg’s chicken bake for lunch.

7. I really wish I hadn’t eaten that Gregg’s chicken bake AND a sausage roll for lunch.

8. I really want a bulldog puppy.

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

9. I should probably tidy my room up. I live like a skank. I’ll do it later.

10. Oh crap! If I’m wearing a skirt later, I’ll need to shave my legs. Do I even have razors? Should I buy more? How much money do I have left in the bank?

11. My boob feels funny. Do I have cancer? (*Normally in the shower when doing boob-checks)

12. Nope, false alarm. It was a biscuit crumb, not a cancerous lump. I’ll just wash that down the drain and pretend that didn’t happen.

13. People really piss me off.

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

14. Honestly… How many times do I need to explain the same thing to someone over and over again whilst they still don’t understand it before I can finally accept there is no helping some people and just walk away?

15. Do I want a baby?

16. Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

17. Why can’t I manage my money like the sensible people do?

18. Oh. I still can’t afford a new pair of Christian Louboutin’s today 😦

19. My life should be so much better than what it is right now.

20. Another baby announcement on Facebook… Why haven’t I had a baby yet?

21. Maybe I should dye my hair pink today?

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

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The 15 Rules of a Successful Breakup

Right girls, you want to come out of this alive then you’re going to need to think smart. Unless you want to be THAT girl that is begging on her knees for her boyfriend not to leave her, you need to do things the classy way, the smart way, the right way. You need to learn the rules of a successful breakup, written by someone going through yet another bloody and gruesome breakup. And trust me, this is just one in a looooong line.

Are you ready? Sitting comfortably? Got yourself a cup of a tea and a nice Bourbon biscuit? Tissues handy?

1 – Facebook unfriend.

This needs to be done almost immediately. Make your Facebook page private so he can only see the things that you ‘accidentally’ set to public. AKA the photos that make you look beautiful, funny, skinny, well-styled, etc. You don’t want him to see those tagged photos of you looking like a fish from Friday night when you were trying to perfect your pout for the paparazzi…

The 15 Rules of a Successful Breakup_01

This will also stop you from checking to see if he is online every five minutes. Which you will. We all do.

Plus you won’t see photos of him out with girls (unless he has everything set to public at which point you should just go for step two) and wondering which one of them he’s sleeping with. Which you will. And you’ll ask him too. And it’ll be embarrassing because he’s probably actually not doing half the things you’ve made up in your head. You look crazy again. Completely cuckoo.

2 – Facebook block.

When you’ve un-friended him and realised that you still can’t stop checking out his profile hoping that he posts something, (he doesn’t actually have his page on private, everything is public) you need to do the Facebook block.

You won’t be able to send him any Facebook messages that you’ll regret later on. Such as my one “Oi, you awake?” at 2:51am after a particularly drunken night. Luckily it didn’t send as I had no signal. No love-you’s, miss-you’s or anything like that… Just “Oi, are you awake?

Who said romance was dead?

Don’t be a mug – just block him. Trust me. Plus, you can only block and unblock once every 24 hours or whatever it is, which will stop you doing it every five minutes just to have a look, and he’ll see that you’ve un-blocked him by the way that your name comes up in his message feed.

Have all your bases covered ladies.


3 – Delete his number.

You may have stopped Facebooking him but that hasn’t stopped you from checking to see if he is online on Whatsapp every five minutes. Or whether he’s seen your latest iMessage. Why is he online on Whatsapp? Why are there no blue ticks? You were the only person he ever spoke to on that! Why is he online all the time? Who is he talking to? Has he moved on already?! WHY ISN’T HE READING YOUR MESSAGES?!

You turn into a crazy bitch when you’re going through a breakup. When you delete his number, you can’t drunk call him, text him, Whatsapp him, etc. Plus if he has his privacy settings right (which he probably won’t), you’ll only be able to see when he was last online if the two of you are contacts.

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Getting rid of his number altogether is the only way you’re going to get through this. You WILL make that drunken call you promised yourself you wouldn’t, and you ARE going to see red and say all the things you didn’t want to when you saw he was online again and still didn’t reply to your last message. Prick.

4 – Delete old messages.

You’ve done the number removal but you can still contact him if you’ve kept those old messages. You can just reply to the same thread. Of course, this is assuming you don’t know his number off the top of your head. But who knows phone numbers these days? I certainly don’t.

Get rid of his text messages, his iMessages, his Whatsapp messages, his Skype messages, his Viber messages, his first POF messages… Get rid of every way that you have communicated with him. We’re talking usernames, old messages, friend requests, etc. Get rid of EVERYTHING.

You won’t be able to communicate with him so you aren’t running the risk of embarrassing yourself by messaging or calling him, and you won’t be able to drive yourself crazy by checking to see if he is online, when he was last online, who he was talking to…

(*Most messaging platforms give you the option to backup your messages if you ever fancy getting nostalgic years down the line*)

5 – Remember emails too.

If you’ve ever emailed each other, get rid of those too. Print out the ones that mean a lot to you and put them in a memory box that you’ll put out of sight and out of mind. Drunken emails are just as bad, if not worse, than drunken texts and calls. And they will happen. I wasn’t even drunk and I still sent soppy emails begging him to give us another go. Fuck, it’s pathetic. You’re pathetic. I’m pathetic. We’re pathetic. Just get rid of it.

The 15 Rules of a Successful Breakup_03

6 – Get rid of photographs.

Don’t destroy them because one day, you’ll want to look back and smile. You wont believe that now but you will. Put them in that same memory box that you’ll put out of sight and out of mind. Take them out of the frames and off the walls and hide them. They’ll only make you cry if you don’t.

The worst of it is you won’t even notice that you have photos of him on your wall until months later where they happen to pop up in the back of a photo you’re trying to send of yourself to a potential new bae. Be prepared for that.

7 – Cry.

Just do it already. Do it in the privacy of your own bedroom, snuggled up in your bed. Cry on your friends if they’ll let you. It’s not a bad thing to cry. I don’t think people cry enough. Sometimes you just need a cup of tea and a good cry. If you feel the tears, let them flow. Stop trying to pretend you’re stronger than you are. Breakups suck. It hurts. It’s all cool. Let the snot flow freely.

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8 – Start a journal.

After a couple of weeks, your friends are going to get really bored of you talking about your ex. They are going to get annoyed at new stories of him with that skinny blonde at the party, or that fiery looking redhead at the local store. You’re gonna wanna talk about that shit. You’re going to want to rant about it… For hours.

Start a journal or do what I did and start a blog! Get it out somewhere, down on paper or furiously tapped out on your laptop. You never know – you might just create the next best seller!

Seriously though – your friends are going to get really pissed off sooner or later, and you are going to want to talk about this a lot. Why is he talking to her? How could he move on so quickly? Who does he think he is wanting his concert t-shirt back? Trust me on this one. Start writing that shit down.

Plus, it’ll give you something to laugh about years later when you look back and realise that it wasn’t quite as dramatic as you thought it was at the time. See – you did survive without him! Woo hoo!

9 – Have drunken, meaningless sex.

…But only when you’re sure it’s over. Completely sure. One million percent sure. Having sex with someone else does something to the relationship you HAD with your ex. It puts a line under everything. That’s it – you fucked someone else. You’re not just his anymore. When he has sex with you, he’s going to have that thought of someone else having sex with you in his head. If neither of you cheated and everything was nice and truthful throughout your breakup, having sex with someone else will put a strain you both if you ever get back together and you end up telling him. I probably wouldn’t tell him… I haven’t yet anyway…

Be sure before you go down this line. Do you know that the guilt won’t eat away at you afterwards? Can you be sure of that? Would he take you back if he knew you had slept with someone else? Most men wouldn’t. Just saying. Look at it from all eventualities. Either way, it doesn’t look good so it’s probably best to avoid screwing someone else until you’re absolutely sure that there is nothing left for the two of you.

The 15 Rules of a Successful Breakup_05

Long story short – don’t go out and drink if you’re angry because you’ll probably shag someone else just for revenge, and then you probably definitely won’t get back together.

Is that really what you want?

10 – Do the pro’s & con’s list.

…But only do it when you’re angry. You know the list – his good points versus his bad points. Working out which list is longer and whether or not you should get back together…

If you’re all loved up, missing him and crying, the list you write is going to be focusing on all the good things you miss about him and you won’t get the full picture. By all means do the good list, but leave his bad list until you are really angry and need to vent everything out – everything he ever did to piss you off. You’ll be surprised at how much your mind can be swayed just be being reminded of all those times he left you waiting, didn’t turn up, didn’t call or text you back, and was caught out chatting up other women. Plus there was that time he didn’t get you a birthday present. And who can forget that time he refused to go to the theme park with you because he “didn’t like them at all” and then invited you with his ex and her daughter just a few months later?

If you ever feel that breaking up wasn’t the right decision (even when it probably was), re-read that con’s list and realise why you broke up in the first place. An ex is always an ex for a reason. How many fairy tales have you heard that started with “Once upon a time, Barbie and Ken had been together for five years on and off…”?

11 – Keep yourself busy.

When you stop and think, you’ll hurt. You’ll cry. You’ll get angry and want to vent at him. You’ll message him. You’ll call him. You’re going to want to get really angry at him. You’re probably going to have some questions that he should answer. He should but he probably never will. Not honestly anyway.

Screw it. Leave it. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. Keep yourself busy. Work on your website or clean your home. Take on some extra hours at work. Go to the gym. Hang out with friends. Go shopping. Redecorate. Spring-clean. Organise your closet and sell the shit you don’t wear on eBay. Do whatever you gotta do. Just don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. When you stop, your heart will break and then you’ll cry and your mascara will run all down your face. Plus no one looks pretty when they cry.

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12 – Win the breakup war.

Go to the gym, get your hair cut, get a new tattoo, try a new look, learn a new skill or talent, buy more shoes, wear different clothes…

Winning the breakup war is simply a case of coming out of it better off than the other person; the ex. You need to put effort into that; effort, dedication and time. If you ever needed a great time to get to the gym and start getting buff-ting, this is it! You can’t just go once and think that’s it either. You need to keep going. Keep at it. They say that it takes 12  weeks of working out before family and friends will start to notice the weight loss and change in body. That’s it – give yourself a three month goal and see who says what about your new physique? Win that breakup war! Be fit and give him something to miss and regret. Imagine how much better it would feel to turn him down knowing that you now look fit after losing those extra few pounds you put on while you were getting comfortable and eating too many Bourbon biscuits with him.

Would you rather just lie down and cry? No, I didn’t think so.

13 – Songs.

Do not forget about the songs that are on your phone or mp3 player. All those little songs that remind you of him – they are going to cut you like a knife when you hear them on the way to work by accident, or when you are getting ready to go out with the girls. I cried on the way to work three days ago because I heard “All of me” by John Legend… in public!

Write a list of all the songs that remind you of him. Listen to them one more time. Cry it out. Get the Ben & Jerry’s to help you through it. Then remove them from your life. One by one, delete them. Fuck off. Click.

14 – Start online dating.

Right, I’m not telling you that you need to get under someone in order to get over someone else (although it doesn’t hurt), but online dating is actually the perfect distraction to help you through a breakup.

Every time I break up with someone, I go back onto my trusty POF account and start secretly night-stalking random guys. I have no intentions of making my profile public of course, and I’m definitely not up for messaging anyone, but every once in a while someone will catch my eye and it’ll give me something to do for a few weeks – a little complimentary text-action to lift my spirits when the day has started with a nasty fight with the now-ex. With Jock I just made my profile public for enough time for him to make his move, and with Mr. T, I just straight-up messaged him first. It would have been rude not to… He’s so beautiful!

It gives you something to do even if you don’t have the balls to actually start dating, plus you might just find a little hidden gem. Jock was that little hidden gem for a while. Maybe Mr. T is the next one? Instead of desperately watching his WhatsApp messages, waiting to see if he comes online and ignore your messages again, you could be having a hot discussion with some fittie that you have no intentions of meeting up with, but will definitely give you something to smile about. Everyone needs a little boost from time to time and you never know, you might just find Mr. Right while you’re getting over Mr. Wrong.

15 – Don’t try to be friends.

Right, after a year or so it might be possible but trying to be friends just a couple months after your breakup…? Nope, this friendship is never going to work. Not a chance. Not in a million years. You’re going to end up back in bed together with one of you taking the move as a mixed signal. You’ll end up breaking down and admitting how much you miss him. He’ll beg you not to leave. You’ve already gotten over the hardest part of your breakup… What’s the point in going right back to square one? He’ll pull on nights out and you’ll get upset watching him neck on with another girl, and when you even dare try to move on and get over him, he’ll put on the waterworks and accuse you of being a cold-hearted bitch that never gave a shit about him. Honestly guys and girls – friends will not work. It’s like someone killing your dog and then letting you keep it stuffed. What’s the point?

So there you have them – the 15 rules you need to know to get through a successful breakup. If you can even call a breakup successful….?

If you follow these rules, you will come out of this looking every inch the classy, sophisticated, dignified woman you are. And let’s face it, us girlies need all the help we can get!


5 Ways You Know You’ve Pissed A Girl Off (And How To Sort It)

1 – Fine. 

Pissed Off Girl If you can’t recognise this one by now, you may as well give up all hope. If she says “Fine” to you, you’re pretty much fucked already. She’s not happy. It might be wise to just apologise. Even if you think you’ve done nothing wrong, just apologise. It’s the only way out.

2 – One word answers. 

When has anything to do with your girlfriend been a word-one thing? She’s full of words. She can’t use enough words. She has to explain, describe, announce, and holler about everything. If you’re getting one word answers, you’ve pissed her off.

“I can sense something is wrong because of the one-word answers. What’s up?” 

Pissed Off Girl This will go one of two ways for you. You’ll either get the whole “If you don’t know what’s wrong, why should I even bother to tell you?” or you’ll get the full she-bang… everything you’ve ever done to piss her off over the ENTIRE course of your relationship.

Either way, it’s coming so you might as well just accept it.

3 – She ignores your texts, calls and Whatsapp messages. 

She’s normally permanently attached to her phone. You can see she’s been online or Whatsapp too. If it looks like she ignoring you, she is. It’s as simple as that. If it’s been hours since her last message to you, it’s time to go running back with your tail between your legs. Whatever it is that’s upset her, you’re sorry. Again.

4 – She’s in fast-forward mode. 

Pissed Off Girl If she’s cleaning quicker than Kim & Aggie on fast forward, you’ve pissed her off. Once she goes into full double-time, fake cleaning mode, once again, you are fucked. You’ve pissed her off enough to get her next to a wash cloth. Even worse than that, those plates on the draining board are probably gonna get thrown at your head. If not the plates, the cups.

Get her out of the kitchen as quick as you can. No one wants broken crockery, do they? Get her to sit down and talk to you. Whatever it takes, just get her out of the kitchen.

5 – She’s pulling THAT face. 

Pissed Off Girl You know the one I’m talking about – she bites the inside of her cheek or lips, and her nostrils start to flare. She’ll be banging one hand off the table lightly, or she’ll be kicking one foot against the floor. That’s the agitation you can see there. That repetitive notion does not bode well for you.

She’ll tut probably. There’ll be a lot of heavy sighing too. She’s pissed off and she wants to talk about it, that’s what that means. If she’s making you fully aware she’s pissed at you, you’d better find out why, and get ready to start apologising.

How To Sort It.

Pissed Off Girl Once you’re fucked, you’re fucked. There’s going to be a world of shit coming your way and honestly, the best advice that I can give you is to sit down and get ready to ride the wave. There’s a good chance you’ll get shouted at, but at the very least there will be some heated text-message speak. Just apologise. You probably don’t even understand why she’s upset yet, but at the end of it, once she’s explained it to you, you’ll get it. And then you’ll just feel like a dick.

Honestly, it’s probably your fault anyway. Just get to grips with accepting responsibility every now and again and your entire relationship will be all the more better off because of it. It’s not rocket science, it’s just common sense.


Why Do Girls Take So Long to Get Ready?

Right, long story short here – Jock picked me up last night. We haven’t had sex in AGES. I’ve been bleeding every five minutes, and our schedules haven’t exactly worked together. I was excited for last night. I would get to feel him inside me. I would get to feel his fingertips brushing my nipples. I’d feel his warm breath on my skin as he kissed his way around my body… I was super excited.

So, I got ready. And then it didn’t happen. I am furious! 

Now guys, I don’t think you understand exactly how much hard work goes into getting ready for a date, especially a date that you wholeheartedly expect to get laid on. Let me educate you…


I showered. In the shower, I used no less than FIVE different products. I shampooed with the coconut shampoo that he seems to like the smell of. I conditioned my hair with the coconut conditioner that again, he seems to like the smell of. Then I used a luxurious shower gel to lather up my entire body, and to create the soap to shave my legs, my armpits, my bikini line, etc. This act of shaving, just FYI, takes about half an hour. I almost always cut myself when I do it. Which means the next stage always stings like a bitch.

Next I used a luxurious body scrub on my ass, legs and thighs. Jock loves my legs and he always runs his hands up and down them so I like to make sure they are baby-smooth and completely hairless. I’d love to have had the time for a wax. Humph.

Then, to clean my most intimate of areas, I used a feminine body wash. He loves to go down on me so you know, I like to make sure that it incompletely hairless and smelling beautiful.


I get out of the shower. I spray conditioning treatments on my hair. I moisturise every part of my body with the luxurious African shea butter moisturiser he goes bonkers for. I use a foot cream to make sure my feet are nice and smooth. I use a hemp-based cream on my knees and elbows. I use a face cream on my face. Then there’s the hand cream. If my hands are going to playing with his cock later, I don’t want them to be rough! Oh and although I didn’t this time, if I had been wearing a skirt or a dress, I would have needed to put some kind of self-tan on my legs. Or arms. Perhaps both.

Now my skin smells good and feels beautiful to touch. All of this for him. Well, for me too, but for him more.

I sit down to apply my makeup. The precision needed to apply that eye-liner would impress any man or woman, I can tell you that. The foundation and concealer necessary to hide the under-eye bags that show my late nights, and the blemishes that ALWAYS pop up the day you plan to see your man. I look dog-rough without makeup. I have accepted and embrace this fact. I think most women have by this point. Before all of this, however, there’s the primer to smooth out my face, the eye cream to avoid eye-wrinkles, the lip balm to ensure my lips are kissably soft later…

Makeup completed, I dry my hair. I then decide on a hairstyle and straighten the bits that need to be straightened, curl the bits that need to be curled, and pin the bits that need to be pinned.

Then I get dressed. Outfit planning is always the hardest thing for me. I like to look super cute for Jock. We don’t see each other that often so I don’t want to look like a tramp in a onesie when I do see him. Not that I own a onesie, but you get what I’m saying here. So, I pick the outfit. Then I plan the shoes. Then I pick the accessories. Then the perfume – my hair doesn’t smell like J’Adore for no reason. The spritz in the air as you walk through the mist, plus the extra squirts around the neck (where he’ll be kissing later) and the wrists (that he’ll be holding above my head).


I’m still not finished. I now need to plan subsequent outfits to pack in a bag to take with me. I also need to make sure I’ve got all the chargers for the many gadgets I own, my laptop, my phones, the adapter so that we can watch films on my iPad on his TV…. etc. Have I packed enough pants? Do I have hair ties? Did I put the hairspray in that bag? Will I need socks. Is one pair of sneakers enough or shall I take a pair of pumps too? Honestly, it’s just hard work.

Then, I need to brush my teeth and give myself a final once over in the bathroom mirror. The lighting is different in there so I get a good opinion from two sources. I lock my room, head to the front door and finally get in the car. This is a good night too – this isn’t the night where I need to paint my toenails or remove the fuzz from my top lip.

Women put a lot of effort into getting ready for their men, and their men get to reap the benefits so I personally don’t see why guys moan about girls taking too long in the bathroom. Technically, it’s all for you anyway. 


Well anyway, after all of this, making his dinner, snuggling the shit out of him and even saying “If you go get in the shower, there will be a naked girl in the bed waiting for you when you get out”, I didn’t get laid.

What the fuck?

He ended up going to get the Redneck from the bar with his new wife. I fell asleep because I’d been awake since 5am. The next thing I knew, it was the middle of the night, he was snoring so loud the trailer was shaking, and I wanted to stab him in the heart. And we hadn’t had sex. I had gone to all that hard work, looking all cute and smelling all pretty, and I still didn’t get the golden ticket?! And they call us girls prick teases?!?

I was livid. You see, the thing that you guys won’t get is tomorrow, we won’t be as baby smooth. The start of the stubble will be rearing it’s ugly head, and if we try to shave over it, not only will it rip our most delicate of areas to shreds, it’ll look red, bumpy and ugly. The same can be said for our legs. You have night one to make an impression boys. Think of it as your window. That first night is the night that you don’t climax inside her if you haven’t yet eaten her out yet. Think about this. It’s hardly rocket science, is it?

Oh and to top things off even further, I started bleeding again. So tonight is out the window too. Cheers Jock. Sarcastic face. 

There is a moral to this story guys – if she smells all pretty and looks super cute, she’s made an effort for her so you had better try your damned hardest to perform.

End of rant.