My Mother.

I’m not normally one for stupid pettiness (Ha! Who am I kidding?), but I really need to vent some anger out here. I probably should be having this conversation with her, my mother, but for now, my laptop will do. I’m too angry to talk to her.

Two months ago we fell out over Someone New. Long story short, I didn’t want my family to meet him yet. My Papa Smurf already had, and I had come to terms with that. And when Someone New messaged Bestie, I promptly sorted the situation out and told him how it was. However, when my darling mother went into Someone New’s place of work with her prison-scum boyfriend and had what he described as a ‘disagreement’, I was furious.

My mother knew where Someone New worked. In fact, everyone did. She also knew how anxious I was to keep him away from my life for as long as possible. She was aware how much Jock had hurt me, and she was also aware that I was trying to be cautious. Perhaps overly so, but that’s how I’m dealing with it so let’s move on.

I was mad at her for going in there. She didn’t have a reason to be in there in the first place. She definitely didn’t have a reason to have a ‘disagreement’ with her prison-scum boyfriend in there. That’s my new boyfriend. Fuck off! Why would you do that?

Let me just fill you in on a bit of back story here – my mother has accused both me and my sister of sleeping with her prison-scum boyfriend at some point or another. She knows how weird I am with my boyfriends, because she’s just as weird with them. She should never have gone into his place of work, and she should never have had that ‘disagreement’ with her boyfriend. End of conversation. I told her as much over the phone.

Instead of just saying “Sorry, my bad, I won’t do it again.”, my mother went into bitch-mode and ranted at me for everything and anything wrong with her world. I put the phone down. I hate arguing with my mother. I tend to just hang up when she goes off on one these days. I messaged my sister with the completely unrelated news I had actually called my mother to say, and my sister went into full bitch mode on me too, telling me how much she was pissed off with our constant arguing.

Anyway, that was two months ago, and we haven’t said a peep to each other since. I bumped into them once in a shop and I just ignored them. My mother walked off crying like the melodramatic bitch that she is. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love this woman because she’s my mother. But she’s a hypocrite and a twat. And nothing is EVER her fault.

Things have been weird between my mother and I for a really long time. She has a much closer bond with my 25 year old sister (who still lives at home with her boyfriend for next-to-no rent by the way), than she does with me. My sister takes the piss. She lives at home with mother, paying no rent, saving to buy a house (apparently), while her boyfriend spends all of his money on his car. When I was 16 years old, I was kicked out. I’m kinda the outcast of my family. My Nan doesn’t really talk to me and I’m not sure what I did wrong because we were once really close. My aunt doesn’t talk to me anymore, despite how close we also once were. So close in fact, I almost donated my eggs because of how devastated she was that she couldn’t have kids. I’d have kids for that woman in a heartbeat, and I told her as much. And now she doesn’t talk to me. Go figure.

Anyway, it was my birthday three days ago. I got a card in the post, but no text, no nothing from my aunt, my nan, or my mother. My mother didn’t wish me happy birthday. I don’t think there has ever been a year gone by where she hasn’t wished me a happy birthday. Right there, at that moment, I realised how much I didn’t belong in that ‘family’ any more, and how much of an outcast I now felt. I unfriended my mother on Facebook. And Instagram too. Then I saw on Facebook that my sister, the one I once classed myself as close to, had gotten engaged whilst on holiday (over my birthday), and had Whatsapped everyone… Except me. I found out on Facebook. Nice.

It all just seems like such petty drama but honestly, I’m sick of the entire situation. My mother constantly bitches about my nan and my aunt, and my sister, and my step-dad, and my sister’s boyfriend, and her own boyfriend, CONSTANTLY down the phone to me. She is always slagging these people off, yet she never says a bad word to their faces. We go for months without talking because when I don’t message her or ring her, I don’t hear from her at all. She only gets in touch with me when she wants something. Normally if she needs money, or has a technology related drama.

She has never gone a single day without talking to my sister at least once. She would NEVER not wish my sister a happy birthday on her birthday. She slags these people off like nothing on earth, yet none of them are talking to me. How does that work out? What the fuck did I do so wrong? I’ve been there for each and every one of them, helping them in some way or another. I have ALWAYS helped my mother where I could, lending her money, sorting her phone, moving her out of her house when her prison-scum boyfriend held her hostage and turned the hot water and electricity off. I thought that was part and parcel of being a daughter, just like wishing a daughter ‘Happy Birthday’ is part and parcel of being a mother.

I can’t wait for this shit to hit the fan. My mother will soon realise we are no longer ‘social’ friends, and she’ll get upset to my sister, who will no doubt call me up shouting and screaming. It’ll all be my fault, of course, because I’m not allowed to get upset about things such as the boyfriend situation. Or how sick I was. Or how depressed the doctors think I am. Or how bad my social anxiety has gotten.

If she doesn’t want to be in my life and wish me happy birthday, she doesn’t get to see what goes on in my life on social networking sites. Sorry, but I wouldn’t have a friend that too-faced on my Facebook page, so why would I have a relative on there like that?

I probably shouldn’t have un-friended her though.

Today Has Been Hell.

Today has been a pretty hellish day. Firstly, last night the guy that I’m trying to get rid of turned up unannounced at my house. I have space issues and I am not used to a man being around all the time, so when I say I need my space; I need my space. Him turning up uninvited at 12:30 at night was the last thing I wanted. I was already feeling pretty low. On top of that, we had a mini fight. I’m looking for a reason to get rid of him to be honest, so I guess it is working out pretty well, but all I wanted to do was to crawl into my bed and sleep off my horrible mood.

He left this morning without any hassles and then my mother called in tears. She had a car crash a while back and has had a few injuries at the hands of it. Well, it turns out one of her injuries might not have been an injury – she is now being tested for cancer. Lymphoma to be more precise. She should get the blood results back on Monday, and we’re all keeping our fingers tightly crossed that it is nothing to be worried about. With anyone else, I keep my shit together pretty well, but the thought of my Mama Bear having to deal with this; it tore me to shreds and I couldn’t keep the tears in. I’m not a crier by nature, so the fact that I cried just scared her even more.

My Mama Bear eats healthy, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke and she’s in shape. Why the hell could she have cancer? It makes me angry. I don’t know how to deal with the rush of emotion that I have running through my body right now. I’m angry and sad, fearful yet hopeful, scared yet confused. I’m a smoker, I drink, I was overweight up until recently, and I don’t really eat that healthy. Yet I’m fine. I appreciate I have age on my side, but it’s not fair. She’s my Mama and without her, I don’t know how I would survive. She is my rock, my best friend, my Mother and my everything. The thought of her possibly having this killer is terrifying and I don’t know what to do.

I comforted her of course – it’s probably nothing, the Doctor’s have to test for everything, don’t worry yourself about it, just wait for the results and we’ll take it from there… blah blah blah. She has convinced herself that she has it, and I can’t seem to find the strength to put the right amount of conviction in my voice to tell her that she is going to be OK. I realized – I could deal with anything with her right by my side, but without her, I’d fall apart.

So for now, we wait. We wait a long and painful weekend until we get the results that hopefully, tell her she is overreacting. I’m dreading that phone call from her. Monday morning, right before I have to go to work. I’m hoping if its bad news, I can keep myself together for long enough to convince her that we will be OK, and she WILL pull through this. She has to – she’s my Mama.

Then there is my Sister. She is a sensitive soul and we have decided not to tell anyone about this until we know the results for sure from the Doctors on Monday. This would cripple my Sister. She is even more dependent on our Mother than I am. She lives with her. This is not a conversation I am going to enjoy having.

I know we are probably overreacting, but when someone says that “C” word to you – the only thing you can think about is how you are going to lose the one person that means more to you than anyone else in the world. I just hope the results are good – ones that we want to hear…. It’s strange though, because of all the things I have running through my head right now, I can’t seem to be able to put them down in words, and normally that’s the one thing that helps me get through stuff. Right now, I have so many things in my head; I can’t make sense of it all.

So, keep your fingers tightly crossed for us. I know I sure as hell will be. And if there is a God, which I’m not even sure of, he answers my secret prayers and let’s my beautiful Mama be OK xoxoxo