Who Is This Bitch?

So I’ve noticed something. Every time Someone New posts a little update, photo or shares something on his Facebook page, one of his female friends likes it. Let me explain.

The last few times I’ve noticed he has updated his status and I go to ‘like’ it, you know because I’m his girlfriend and all, this female friend has always gotten there moments before I do. Not that it’s a competition or anything, but after the third of fourth time of it happening, I decided to have a little stalk. Her name was being shoved down my throat, so I felt it was only fair.

She has liked virtually every status for the last few months. In fact, the only ones she hasn’t ‘liked’ were the ones involving me.

Funny that. 

She’s blonde with short hair and big Bambi eyes. She’s my age. She’s divorced and has a couple of kids (I think). Every now and again, she posts a profile picture of her with this guy, but I think the guy could be her brother. The pair look pretty alike.

Now…. Before you think I’m just being the bunny boiler from hell, I feel the need to explain a little more.

From the sounds of it, Someone New has been pretty unlucky in love for a while, and during the course of his single-ness, was set up a number of times by friends that clearly had no clue what he was looking for. A few of these girls he was set up with keep coming up in conversation, because they ‘happened’ to be at a friends house when he went over there or whatever.

A while ago, he was at a friends house, and walked a ‘mutual friend’ home late at night. I assumed the ‘mutual friend’ was a girl because I imagine a guy could get his own ass home. A few days later, it turned out that this was a girl that his friends had once tried to set him up with. A few days after that, the girl had been very flirty with him, and was still holding the same torch for him she had when they were initially set up… And didn’t work. Well, I think it might be her that’s doing the Facebook-like-athon.

He didn’t tell me the whole story at once, and although I could be being just a tad paranoid here, I’ve been in this exact situation before. Multiple times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. I definitely don’t think he has that kind of behaviour in him. I think he ‘eggs’ these girls on though. I think he encourages them as a confidence boost; an ego-massager, if you like? Not in a malicious way. I just don’t think he’s used to having female attention, and from looking at his younger photos, he’s definitely gotten better with age. I think he’s relishing. That’s fine – we all do it. But does it need to happen right in front of my face?

When I put a hot profile picture up (you know the one – you took fifteen IDENTICAL shots, and picked the right one where your eyeliner / eyebrows / contouring looked spot on, and then you added a filter, ‘blurred’ out the blemishes… etc.), the guys that want to have sex with me don’t publicly ‘like’ every one. They send me a cheeky WhatsApp message telling me how hot I look. It doesn’t need to be publicly broadcasted. Like honestly, this bitch just looks a little desperate. EVERY status? I don’t even do that, and I’m his girlfriend.

Part of me wants to ask him outright – Who is this bitch? Why is she liking all of your statuses, shares, pictures, etc.? All of them that don’t include me? But can I? I don’t know. I’ll blame the female intuition thing, but something doesn’t feel right about it. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just all innocent?

I know this though – if I’m getting jealous, I definitely like him. It takes a lot to make me jealous these days.

When Karma Keeps Comin’

So, I’ve figured out the answer to the question. How do you make a relationship with Big Love last longer than two years?

The answer – get yourself pregnant.

Talking to some of my girls on the other side of the world, bitching about the Beluga Whale and Little Miss Sunshine and their current ‘being-sued situation‘, and I learned some new information.

Big Love got fired from his job. Boom.

He had to move away. Boom.

He accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Boom.

Well, well, well, what with Big Love and Beluga Whale, karma is on fine form right now, don’t you think?

For a split second, my heart pined. I’m happy for him though! Genuinely. I’m clapping my hands with glee and excitement over the fact he fucked up his life once again, going from a job where he was earning thousands every month to being a manager of some crappy little vitamin store, but I’m happy for him. Apparently that’s where I went wrong – I didn’t accidentally get myself up the duff. That’s the trick to making a relationship with him last longer than two years.

You see, right at the beginning of our love affair he told me just that – he couldn’t seem to hold a relationship down for longer than 18 months / two years. He hadn’t managed it with girls before me and go figure, he couldn’t manage it with me either. I know he has been with the girl he’s with now for a while, maybe even around the two year mark. They split up for a while, and he dated someone else. A few months ago during one of my late-night insomnia stalk fests, I realised they were back together. Not just that but the bubbly blonde had dyed her hair a dark brunette colour, and she had recently liked a ‘mother’s working from home’ page….

At the time I wondered if she could be pregnant and once again, I have learned to trust my gut instinct. I’m always right about these things. I like to think my female intuition is on fine form.

When I heard the confirmation, I didn’t feel quite as shitty as I thought I might have done. I always thought that finding out Big Love found his happy ending with someone else would make me cry, but it didn’t. I couldn’t even find one tear for him, and I think I know why. It’s because I’m older and wiser now, and although I loved him and would have done anything for him, I knew he was bad news. We were bad news for each other. I made him take drugs, and he made me cut myself. It was a recipe for disaster and I know, regardless of how much it broke my heart at the time, parting ways was the smartest choice. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed? Maybe I would still have been working for Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale, and I’d be caught up in the shit they’re going through right now.

Everything in life happens for a reason. I know that now. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it’s bad or good. There’s a reason we didn’t work out, Big Love and I, and there’s a reason I left the country, my friends, the bad work place…

I guess I’m just thankful. I’m thankful that I’ve been through the heartbreaking ordeals that I’ve been through. I like to think it has made me a much smarter person, and although I still make l mistakes, at least I won’t make those again.

I must admit though, it’s still a little gutting to learn that my dickhead ex-boyfriend is having a kid and I’m not. Especially seeing as he already has one child he doesn’t see or want.

When Karma Keeps Comin'

It’s Bittersweet – Karma

In advance, I must say that I will probably come across a right bitch here. I don’t know if you remember, but quite a while ago I had a rant about the mother and daughter disaster combo I once worked with on the other side of the world? I say worked with, I mean slaved for.

Well apparently today, karma well and truly bit them on the ass.

If you can’t be bothered to read the link (don’t worry, I’m not judging, I’m lazy too), I’ll give you a refresher course. They had me by the balls with my work situation and they were well aware of it, and they exploited me for everything they could. I worked every hour under the sun for what really was shit pay for what I did, and I basically had to manage and organise two of the most disorganised people in the world. Disorganised, vain, off their head on the craziest drink and drug cocktails, and with absolutely zero people skills.

The mother, Little Miss Sunshine; she wasn’t too bad. When she was on her own, she was actually a lovely person, and my heart goes out to her right now because I wholeheartedly believe she doesn’t deserve a moment of this. She was a good person, deep down, but I think she was just so drugged up on a cocktail of pills to help her get through the day, her cruel, evil daughter completely led her astray. The weird money-making schemes – they were all Beluga Whale. She would shout and scream until she got her own way, turning on anyone that dared step into her path, and more often than not, she would get her own way, leaving a trial of destruction in her wake. I was normally the one to console her sobbing mother, and clean up behind her.

One of my other-side-of-the-world ladies sent me a WhatsApp message.

“Have you seen this yet?”

It was a story that had broken on a local news site and then on Facebook, describing how Little Miss Sunshine and the Beluga Whale were getting sued because of their dodgy work activities. To be honest, I’m surprised they hadn’t gotten into trouble a lot sooner, and at first, I was secretly pleased that I had gotten my wish and karma had finally bit them on the ass.

The things that were in the news report were enough to make anyone cringe. What they had apparently done really was pretty unspeakable. They are pretty well known in the town too, and it wasn’t long before the Likes and Shares on the Facebook post had gone up. I took a sneaky peek on her Instagram page and noticed that she was deleting her images one by one – right there in front of me. Then she deleted her Facebook page. The backlash had started. The girl was going into hiding. It’s probably for the best. I happen to know a number of the allegations were true. Or at least they were all those years ago, and I wouldn’t imagine anything had changed.

As I saw the massive number of comments going up and up and up, my heart went out to them. Little Miss Sunshine more than Beluga Whale, of course, but it still did. What they were going through, what they were about to go through, it’s truly awful. They are essentially about to be run out of their home town. They are probably going to lose their family business – the only thing they know. They are probably going to lose everything. And the worst of it is, they deserve it. Well, one of them does.

They have screwed so many people over across the years, even in the course of their business by ‘omitting’ information and ‘submitting’ little white lies, forging signatures, you name it. I’m very surprised the shit they are going through right now hasn’t happened sooner, but despite getting the karma that I think they deserve, I can’t help but feel incredibly sorry for them. It makes me realise I’m a much better person than I give myself credit for.

I don’t know. I don’t really know the point I’m trying to make here. It just affected me, seeing the things that people were saying about them. These people aren’t people that knew the girls like I did, and although I agreed with the things they were saying, I still felt as if I should be defending them. I didn’t. I just sat back and watched the drama unfold.

The Beluga Whale deleted me from Instagram, and she blocked me too. I have a number of business accounts so I can still see her if I wanted to, plus Bestie and her are still following each other, so I can still see. Idiot. Part of me is wondering why they are going into social media hiding? So they can’t see the things that people are saying about them? Just because they can no longer see them, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I just don’t see the point, you know? Surely they must both know they are going down with this shit storm? I don’t see any way that they could get out of it, you know, seeing as most of what I read I personally knew to be true. Surely it would be better to go down with dignity than go into hiding?

Not that it matters, they no longer speak to me. The Beluga Whale got what she wanted out of me when I was in her country. Now I’m not, she has no use for me. That’s why I was easy to socially delete in the first place. It’s funny because I always defended them. I actually thought we were friends.

You know, girls fuck each other over way more than guys fuck girls over. It’s just almost acceptable when its a girl knifing you in the back. If she had been a dude, I would have walked away a lot sooner than I did, and even when I did, it was because I was leaving the country.

It’s bittersweet – karma. I’m glad they got their comeuppance, but I feel bad for them too. The shit they are about to go through, that they are going through; I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone someone I once classed as my friend.

Good luck girls. You’re gonna need it this time. 

It's Bittersweet - Karma

Cupid Was Busy Today.

Five years ago today, I flew to the other side of the world for Big Love. Today would also have been my two-year anniversary with my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. Pretty busy day for Cupid, it would seem.

Today was a weird day for me. I woke up to my TimeHop reminding me of my past failed relationships once again. I should probably just delete that application from my phone. On most days, it does more harm than good. This morning it was the first photos of me on the other side of the world. It was also the 365 little love notes I wrote Jock, and gave him on our one year anniversary last year.

I stalked him today, Jock I mean. Nothing has changed on his Facebook page since we broke up. I guess he made it private when we broke up. Once upon a time, all of his stuff was public. Not that it matters. He’s blocked on my Facebook. I couldn’t cope if he ever tried to message me again. My head, or my heart, would probably explode.

One day these special dates won’t bug me. In fact, that’s a lie. Some dates I won’t ever forget, but you know what I mean. They’ll just be a distant memory. They won’t be a stabbing reminder like they are now; like a gut to the heart every time I wake up and my phone reminds me of something yet again.

It’s funny when you think about how much has changed for me in five years. For some people, five years goes by like the blink of an eye but for me, everything has changed. Multiple times. I didn’t just stalk Jock today. I stalked One Ball too.

It seems he’s now full-time daddy to at least a couple of his kids now, and from his photos, looks happier than ever. I’m glad really. He didn’t desire the harsh brush-off I gave him. Sometimes Someone New reminds me of him. I just hope he doesn’t disappear out of my life in the same way. He doesn’t deserve it either.

I’m starting to wonder if there is a part of me refusing to move on from Jock because I’m still waiting for him. I’m still convinced we were ‘meant to be’, whatever that means. I’m still 100% convinced of it. I know we failed, and I know the reasons why, but in so many ways, he was the PERFECT man for me. You know when you just know? I just knew. I’m sure of it. Even now, seven or eight months after the split, I’m still convinced he was the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with, and if he turned up at my door right now, I’d melt into his arms in a heartbeat. I wonder if he knows that?

Today would have been the last love note that he opened from that jar. That’s assuming I did the maths right, of course. 365 tiny little hand-written love notes in 365 miniature handmade envelopes is hard work. I’m not entirely convinced there were 365 in there to begin with.

But today would have been the last one he opened. I’m still furious he didn’t give those back to me. I wonder what he did with them? I wonder if he threw them out after I told him I was getting rid of the handmade Ducati shoes he made me? I never did get rid of them of course. They mean so much to me. Everything from him does. I wonder if the same could be said for him. He seemed to get over me pretty quick so I doubt it, but I wonder if he ever pined for me in the same way I pined for him? I wonder if he ever thinks about me like I think about him?

Sometimes I wonder why I even care.

But what if I don’t ever get over him? What if I always cling to the last fading memories of him, letting every good guy pass me by? Every good guy like Someone New. In so many ways he’s the perfect man. But do I see myself spending the rest of my life with him? Marrying him? Having babies with him? No I don’t think so. Am I allowed to say that?

I hate days like today.

Why Do I Hate Being Single?

I admitted something that no girl should ever admit to it one of my last posts, and it’s been bugging me a little so I feel the need to explain it. Slash talk it over.

I HATE being single. I actually hate it. But why? Why do I feel the need to bounce from relationship to relationship, often having the next guy lined up before I’ve even ditched the one I’m with? What’s up with that?

I actually Googled this, and I found one article which I feel the need to share. It was written by a guy who was asking the question – why can’t girls just be single, before going on to list a whole bunch of reasons why being single rocks.

The article in question: The Security Of Relationships: Why Can’t You Just Be Single?

Being single is cheaper. OK, I can’t deny that one. I seem to spend a fortune on my dates, even when we don’t do anything at all, and every single one of my male companions has destroyed my bank account. Big Love was one of the worst, but Jock was something else entirely. That guy couldn’t manage his own money if he tried.

“Being single allows you to feel more in control, more present within yourself. Most importantly, it allows you to get to know yourself; it introduces you to the real you.”

I DON’T feel more in control of things when I’m single. I feel like my life is running away from me, and I’m powerless to stop it. I’m going to be thirty next year, and then what? They say that life begins at 30, or 40, or whatever age you happen to be hitting at that time. They say that “30 is the new black” and other such bullshit. I’m meant to be happy about the fact I’m now in the last year of my twenties, but all I feel is dread. Fertility goes down after you reach 30, or so every single godamn daytime TV show is telling me. In the midst of a cervical cancer scare / situation, I’m now faced with the dilemma of whether or not I should freeze my eggs, and I’m starting to question whether my internal bits even work at all.

I get asked if I’m married, being one year away from thirty, and when I tell them no, well actually yes, but on my way to being divorced, they look at me like I’m some sort of weird alien. Almost thirty with no kids and no husband in tow? Shocker. In fact, that reminds me of my interview for the job I just quit. One man and one woman, both in their 30’s or over were interviewing me, and one of the questions I was forced to answer was why I hadn’t got a career sorted yet, or started a family? The question made me stumble and after I walked out of that job interview, I cried. I felt like I was failing at life. Mid-to-late twenties (at the time) and childless, husband-less, and career-less. What a failure.

Women are meant to be empowered these days, taking things at their own pace and having a career and going travelling before settling down later on to have a family. Take my mother and my aunt – my mother had me at 20, my sister 5 years later, and has bounced from man to man ever since. She’s skint, miserable, and wishes she was anywhere but here.

Her sister, my aunt, on the other hand, is a couple of years younger than my mother, never had kids, tried for kids with her ex-fiance but after ten years and no pitter-patter of tiny little feet even after IVF, they broke up. She’s had a wealth of shit since, dating a guy who then got a much younger girl pregnant behind her back, sending her a little crazy (or a lot), before finally settling down with the guy she’s with, that already has three kids in tow. They’re engaged now, but since she met him, I’ve barely heard from her. Bad woman.

She’s a lot richer than my mother, and is a lot more sensible with her money. They are like chalk and cheese, blonde and brunette. I always figured my aunt was my idol. I always envied her life of nice holidays, plus designer clothes, handbags and crockery. I just think she’s a bit of a bitch now.

My sister got engaged a few days ago. She’s a few years younger than me. We’re not talking, so I found out from Facebook which was nice (not), and it was just another kick in the teeth – she’s winning at life. I’m failing at life. I bet her marriage lasts longer than mine did too.

I don’t have time to be single. If a cervical cancer scare does anything, it certainly reminds you of your own mortality, and the fact that having children is a privilege and not a given right. Some people don’t deserve children, my absent father being one of them. I don’t care how great he is with the two kids (maybe more) that he has now. He was a waste of space father to me. I’ve always blamed his absence for my poor choices in love.

But I want children one day. I’ve had passing phases before, but there’s a longing somewhere, and I think it’s coming from my womb. It started when I was with Jock. It’s a shame he fucked that up.

Let’s say I decide to be single for a while though, to ‘find myself’ and other such bullshit. What would happen? That takes me to what, my early to mid thirties? I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone that I hadn’t known for a few years first, so that takes me to mid to late thirties. And what happens then if it takes a while? Before you know it, I’ll be 40, and having children is something that will never happen for me.

That aside, I don’t think I need to ‘find myself’. I’ve found myself, and I quite like the person I am right now. I’m just me now, no pretence, no bullshit. I’ve had too much crap over the years, and I’m too tired to have a drama-filled life. That’s exactly why I’m not talking to half of my family, and also why I just quit my job. I just can’t handle the drama anymore, and neither can my body.

There was one paragraph that really stood out for me. It actually made me quite mad.

“But you can’t force love. It simply doesn’t work like that. So why force relationships? What’s the point of having a partner for 6 months at a time? You can’t get to really know most people within 6 months — at least not enough to date them, get fed up with them and have a reason to split up. If you can’t stay in a relationship with someone for at least a year then you shouldn’t have been dating them in the first place.”

OK, so to some degree, I can understand why this guy would say this. But, and there’s a massive but here, the REAL WORLD doesn’t work anything like that.

I’ve been dating Someone New for five months now, and I’m still in the in-between stage where I’m just not sure if he’s someone I would want to be with long-term. There is NOTHING wrong with him, he’s not a bad guy, and he’s been nothing but a great boyfriend to me, but there is something missing. If I break up with him now, I’ll be saving him a whole world of pain. I’ve been at the receiving end of someone dragging out the end of a relationship, and I’ve also given someone else that same awful treatment. It’s not nice. If I stay in this relationship, continuing to be unsure of whether we will work, he’s going to fall in love with me. He’s already made it clear he is falling. Why would I want to wait for that to happen to ditch him? Isn’t that much crueler?

Plus he’s older than I am by a couple of years. Why would I want to waste his time? He’s told me he doesn’t want kids, but at times he talks as if maybe he would change his mind. But surely we are doomed right from the start? If I kinda want kids, and he kinda doesn’t, isn’t that just a time-wasting recipe for disaster?

Plus, the writer kinda criticises his own point when he says this:

“One of my least favorite feelings is that feeling when you understand the relationship isn’t going anywhere and you can already see it crumbling at the edges, yet still being reluctant to end things — or maybe just scared to do so.”

Just saying.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bashing this guy. If I wasn’t in my current situation right now, I’d probably totally agree with him. I know that relationship-hopping isn’t good. I’m not deluded enough to think that this is a healthy approach to dating. But at the same time, what other option do I have? Sit back and wait for love to find me? Because I’m an anonymous full-time writer with social anxiety and a weird bowel disorder. I barely leave my house. In fact, I barely leave my bed. I’ve never been happier! 🙂

But yeah, unless he’s my postman, he’s gonna have a hard time finding me. And my postman is a prick. So I wouldn’t image we’ll fall in love.

Being single scares me. I’m a woman approaching her thirties and I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to say that. Loving yourself – yeah, that’s cool. I love the fact I love myself now, even though I am fine-tuning and tweaking a few bits around the edges. But surely having someone else love you, warts and all, is the ultimate validation that you are pretty much a decent person? The fact that I’ve failed at every relationship I’ve ever been, and there have been more than a few, doesn’t bode well for me, and although I know I’m not entirely to blame for all the shit that went down, I can put my hand up to a great deal of it. I was a bitch. I was a crazy bitch.

I don’t have time to be single. I don’t want to be single either. I like being part of something – a special little partnership for two. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I’ll stay in a relationship even though I’m not happy, but if I’m single, it generally won’t stay that way for very long. It never has.

Plus circumstance plays a massive part. The day I ditched one of my last boyfriends, I went on to POF to delete my dating profile, and up popped my Beautiful Tattooed Jock into my life. My heart might be hurting for him right now, but he was a very big and beautiful part of my life, and I wouldn’t change a single bit of it. Well, apart from the horrid ending of course.

I guess that answers the question – why can’t I just be single? I’m too scared of not having kids to be single, too scared I’ll miss what might end up being the love of my life. What if I’ve already met him and passed him by? What if he is living and breathing right under my nose with each and every that passes?

Who knows?

I can tell you this though. I’m not waiting around to find out. I’ll be moving on.

Next.

Historical Child Abuse.

I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t even know if I’m ALLOWED to talk about this. But I really need to. This post is going to contain information about what the title states. If that makes you uneasy, you may want to skip reading it.

I don’t really know where to start. How about the beginning?

A couple of weeks ago, Number 42’s sister came into my work and told me something. She needed me to call her brother, get access to an account, and play around with some stuff. Oh, and 20 years ago, she was sexually abused by her step-dad. She’d blocked it out for 20 years and it’s just come popping back up in her mind.

Why the fuck would you just come out with that, like that? Why would you tell someone like me? Even if she did know that Number 42 and I had slept together, and that our relationship was no longer entirely platonic, she knew we weren’t in a relationship. We were friends on Facebook for fucks sake, she knew I was dating Someone New.

I didn’t know whether or not to bring it up with him, but he’d had a hard enough time with some other stuff I didn’t know about, so I figured I’d leave it alone for just now, and mention it to him if the situation ever arose.

Well, it did.

“I can’t talk about the shit going on, I’m so lonely and down though so just want someone to talk to me about normal stuff…”

My heart sunk to my toes. Although we fight like cat and dog, and we have a very odd kinda-relationship, I actually adore this guy. Maybe not in an I-could-be-with-him-way, but definitely in some way. He’s like one of my top five people in life, I reckon. I trust him. Not with my website, but with other stuff. He’s a trust-worthy person. I wouldn’t have fucked him otherwise. I do love him a little bit.

Well, it turns out, his batshit crazy sister hasn’t just accused their step-dad of sexually abusing her as a 13 year old child, but also her brother (Number 42) and another guy. He explained to me the occasions she had described, and the plentiful reasons why those situations couldn’t have happened.

I don’t believe it for a second. Honestly, genuinely, 100% will vouch for this guy. I’ve never met a more stable, responsible, decent human being. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a real cunt from time to time, but he’s a good guy. He’s one of the good guys. He’d be the shittest of boyfriends, and he doesn’t have a romantic, boyfy-like bone in his body, but as a father, he’s amazing, and as a man, he’s one of the best.

I told him what his sister had said to me, and he said a line that actually made me secretly shed a tear….

“OK, I’ll tell you what’s going on. I can trust you now. I believe that….” 

He actually said those words to me. Mr. UnBreakable has been broken. He TRUSTS me. To be fair, I’ve put in three years of patient-friend-time with this guy, but that compliment was one of the best I’ve received recently. If we had been face to face, I probably would have kissed him.

But, all that crap aside. What the actual fuck? OK, let’s just say this HAD happened all those years ago. I’ve slept with a sex offender. Well, that’s great. That’s an all-time low for even me. Number 42 told me that while he was at the police station willingly (I must add) answering all of their questions, the police woman handed him a counselling card for a charity helping paedophiles not to find children sexually appealing anymore. He’s not even been arrested yet, just answering questions, and they’ve branded him a sex offender – a fucking CHILD ABUSER already?! Surely they can’t do that. Why would they do that? Isn’t the justice system meant to be that you’re innocent until proven guilty?

Now let’s imagine he HASN’T done these horrible things she’s accusing him of. Things that I genuinely don’t believe happened. I can’t stress that to you enough. I don’t think he did those things. She is ruining his life. She’s put him in a situation where he could potentially get his little boy taken away from him. There’s a whole fucking story there too. Crack-whore mother, child appears at his door at like six years old or whatever, DNA testing, court cases…. He now has the kid, they have a brilliantly beautiful relationship although a little up and down, and he’s become an amazing man, and an amazing father. Why, fucking why, would she do that to him…?

I genuinely didn’t know what to say to him on the phone. Especially after a recent friend of mine and Bestie’s had just been sent down for a similar offence which again, we didn’t believe a word of. I probably shouldn’t have said that to him in hindsight, but I’m one of those real honest kinda gals that says whatever is on her mind. There is very little in the form of a filter going on between my head and my mouth.

But why on earth would she say that? Why would she accuse him of that? What the hell is going on? Surely this is just a big misunderstanding?

I don’t believe a fucking word of it.

Anniversaries.

I’m pretty sure today would have been the anniversary of Jock and I. The anniversary of when we first met on POF. The day I broke up with One Ball, and met the new love of my life, all on the same day. I didn’t realise until my TimeHop showed me the picture I’d put up on Facebook last year. I swear social media is the devil when it comes to reliving past relationships.

We’d have been together two years, I think. It’s funny because I always thought we were together for a lot longer than we were. I’m shit with anniversaries and birthdays, but I realised we were barely together a year and half. I thought it had been longer.

“One year ago this crazy man bounced into my life, and it hasn’t been quite the same since. I love you dude! #happy #love #goodtimes #throwbackthursday”

The photo of us was the one I had taken after our third date together. That fateful third date in the tent when we slept together for the first time and I completely lost my mind. You have no idea how much I want that man back. You have no idea how much I love him.

Sometimes I think about emailing him. I won’t do it, obviously. I just write all the things I want to say and then post them here, normally the same shit over and over again because I seem to have found myself in this post-breakup ‘Pause’ spell, where I can’t get over him, move on, or stop thinking about him.

You know that one guy you won’t EVER get over, I think that’s him. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. It’s strange because a few years ago, I thought Big Love was that guy. As hard as THAT breakup was, it’s still nothing compared to this one. That’s how my life is defined now, one breakup after another.

I wish I knew was I was so unlucky in love. I wish I could find out why I keep spectacularly fucking relationships up, finding myself sadder and sadder with every loser that passes, wallowing in self pity for half my life, pining after yet another guy. I have an amazing man in the form of Someone New, and as much as I’m not sure he’s for me, even I can’t deny that he’s a wonderful person. It was my birthday recently, and he bought me the most amazing gifts. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that we probably weren’t going to last that much longer. Although I did try to talk to him about how fast he seemed to be moving in a bid to finally try and ‘click’ with him. I’m pretty sure my birthday-cocktail-induced drunken words may have included:

“I will break up with you soon if you don’t man up. I don’t need Mr. Control Freak trying to take care of me all the time. I’m not made of glass, and I’m tougher than I look. I can take care of myself!” 

Despite this, despite my utter bitchiness towards him as he was just tried to treat me to dinner and cocktails for my birthday, he LISTENED. He actually listened. He didn’t like what I said, and I’m pretty sure I offended him more than once, but he took it all on board. What’s worse, he actually changed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve found that rare unicorn of a man. You know the one I’m talking about. The one you made up in your head after years of realising the guys you were dating just weren’t good enough for you. Years of – he doesn’t fuck me hard enough, or he doesn’t buy me enough random gifts. He’s not romantic enough. He doesn’t take me out for dinner. He doesn’t treat me to breakfast in bed. He doesn’t text back quickly enough. He doesn’t text back at all. He doesn’t listen when I tell him I don’t like something…

Someone New is everything I’ve always SAID I wanted in a man. All those things I didn’t like about Jock, for example – no romance, never on time, too unreliable, too childish, bad with money, etc. Well, Someone New is the complete opposite. He’s very sensible with his money, acts like a grownup because he’s a ‘boss’ and he owns his own home, is more romantic than I can handle, is completely reliable, almost too reliable…

All those things I said I wanted – I have them all in my hands right now. On paper, he’s the perfect guy. In reality, it’s either not what I really want, or it is completely the wrong time. I can’t help but think at any other point in my life, I would be completely bowled over by this white knight I have in front of me. Right now, it’s too much. I can’t handle it. I’m not bothered enough by him, and my heart is still very, very broken. He’s gently kissing the pain away of course, but it’s not the right time. It’s not what I want RIGHT NOW.

I don’t even know what I want, that’s the dumbest thing. I don’t want to be alone, because I hate being single. But I don’t want a full-time boyfriend either. We’ve been together about five months now, and he’s well on his way to being in a pretty serious relationship, while I’m still thinking we’re counting dates.

In fact, I do know what I want. I’m just not allowed to say it…

Am I?