I woke up to this photo and it was like a stab to the heart. I’m starting to really hate my TimeHop app, but I’m a masochist and for some reason, I just can’t delete it. Or turn off the notifications. Nope – I decide to give myself daily reminders of past loves gone by. Past loves that aren’t entirely in the past.
I’m pretty sure I’ve told you about this day before. It was the day after the night before. We’d gotten drunk and had our first fight. He was throwing his cash around and generally getting on my nerves, and before I knew it, I was drunk and I slapped him around the face. I’m still not one hundred percent sure why I did that, but it sure was funny afterwards. I’m glad he never took that seriously. I think he knew it was just my way of seeing how far I could push him. After being married to a man that would punch me in the face basically every time he got drunk, I needed to be sure that wasn’t going to happen with Jock too.
The next day, we were hungover as balls and we got ourselves a prepared sandwich and pork-pie picnic and headed to the beach. Lying on the big rocks on the secluded sea front, enjoying the cool breeze and forgetting about sun cream in the baking summer sun… It was a perfect day. Or it would have been if it weren’t for the hangover.
I’m pretty sure we had bumped into his ex that night, and he’d made a comment that upset me. It was the first night she ruined our time together but it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. I wish I had know two years ago today how much hassle she was going to cause me. I don’t think I would have gone through with it all a second time around.
When I saw that photo though, it wasn’t that fight I remembered. It was the amazing day afterwards where we apologised profusely to each other and promised it wouldn’t happen again. It rarely did, thankfully but that’s only because we didn’t drink together that often. It was probably for the best. Every time we did, it was a total disaster.
I still want him back so much, you know. It’s not as bad now as it was a few months ago, but my longing for him is still much stronger than it should be. I’m still convinced that somehow, someday we’ll get back together. I’m still sure he was my Prince Charming. I just think we both fucked it up. I made mistakes too. It wasn’t all him.
As much as my Someone New is starting to nestle his way into my heart, I can’t get Jock out of my head completely. Nor do I want to. Even after all this time, there is still a very big part of me that wants him right back in my life again. It was all so easy when he was in my life and although we fought like cat and dog sometimes, I was happy. I was. I really, really was.
I’m starting to wonder if maybe there was something in us, and whether we both gave up too soon. He stretched out to me and sent that message a few months ago, didn’t he? What happens if I am right, and you’re all wrong? All you people telling me he’s no good for me… What if you’re wrong? You only see things from my point of view, don’t you? You don’t hear about how unreasonable HE thinks I’m being. Because trust me, unreasonable is my middle name sometimes. Even Someone New has realised that now.
The point I’m trying to make here is, what if he was my one? I know we had down’s but man, did we have up’s too. I know I deserved more, and sometimes he did too, but he’s all I want. Even right now, sat in my bed at 01:24 in the morning, crying, listening to Paolo Nutini’s Better Man. Because he sent me that song and I like to think that at the time, he meant every word of it.
I love him. And I’m starting to wonder if this heartache will ever go away. Because right now, as pissed off and sad as he made me sometimes, it still wasn’t halfway near as bad as the pain I feel when I realise we aren’t together anymore. Like this morning when I woke up to that godamn photo that broke my heart all over again. I love him and I miss him. And I really want him back.
But still, I don’t message him because everyone keeps telling me I shouldn’t. I don’t un-block him in the hope he and sends me another message. I don’t do any of the things I want to do, because it’s ‘bad’.
But honestly, why is it so bad? If it would make me happy, having him back in my life, why would it be so bad?