Last night, I wrote a letter to Jock. I didn’t do anything with it. I was going to post it on my blog. But I didn’t. I fell asleep instead. I’ll post it after. You’ll understand why shortly.
Today was my last day at work. That’s right. I finally quit to be a full time writer, and today was my last day of my 30-day notice. I made it right to the very end of the day without crying, even when there were a few moments where I thought I might. And then it happened.
Did I tell you a few weeks ago about the guy that came into my work? The guy that looked, walked, and stood just like Jock did? The guy that gave me butterflies in my stomach like Jock did. The guy that was the same minion-height as Jock was. The guy that made me cry in front of a work colleague? Well, guess what. He was my very last customer. My very, very last. The last person I ever served.
Why? Why did Jock need to go and ruin my very last day at work? Sometimes it feels as if something or someone is trying to make this whole ‘get over him’ thing as difficult as humanly possible. Aren’t I moving on enough? I quit my job, decided to follow my dream, met a new guy… Am I not trying hard enough already? Seriously?
What the fuck is the universe’s problem right now? Why is it making it so much harder to get over this guy? Why, every time I think I’m finally getting somewhere, does he pop right back into my head? Why? Whhhhhhhyyyyyy?
It’s so frustrating. I’m doing so well. That’s what it looks like on Facebook anyway. So why doesn’t it feel like that? Why does it feel as if I’m not doing very well at all? Why does it feel as if I’ll never get over him, despite how hard I’m trying? It feels like he still has such a big part of me, and until I get that part back, I won’t be able to move on.
So what part of me has he got? And how do I go about getting it back? I have now accepted that we won’t ever get back together, and I WANT to move on. So why can’t I? What’s stopping me?
Why did my last customer of the day; my last customer ever, need to be THAT guy?