I was at work today and something very strange happened to me. In fact, I’ve managed to do TWO full days at work. That’s right, two eight-hour-shifts in a row. I’m exhausted, and I never want to do it again. Luckily, I’m just working out my notice period. 16 days to go. Or 7 shifts.Then I’ll be a full time writer. I can’t fucking wait.
Anyway, I digress. Something happened to me today that was utterly ridiculous. I was happily stood behind my counter, minding my own business and this figure came towards me. Short, stocky (fat), grey hair, little chubby face…. From the other end of the store, I could have sworn it was Jock. He got closer, and I could feel my eyes welling up. My palms were sweaty. I was getting agitated. Time was actually moving in slow motion. For a moment, I didn’t dare breathe. He got closer still… Then I noticed there were no tattoos on his arms. And he didn’t have a Jock-ish accent.
Phew. It wasn’t him.
So, if I panicked that much when I thought it was him, why was I so disappointed when I discovered it wasn’t?
I went white as a sheet, apparently. My work colleague was actually rather worried. Poor little guy asked if I was OK, and I sort-of explained who I thought the guy had looked like. Plus I showed him an Instagram photo.
I couldn’t believe the resemblance, but all my work colleague could muster was “What the hell did you see in him??”
I see his point. We were hardly well-matched in the looks department. I look like me. And, well, he looks like him. He could easily have been my Dad. Just saying.
It still doesn’t change how I feel about him though. Even with Someone New, and all the time has passed, the thought of coming face to face with him fills me with butterflies, dread, and love, all at the same time. It annoys me how he still manages to get to me so much. It really, really does.
Speaking of Someone New, he’s gonna say the L-Word soon. I’m still 100% not ready for it, and I’m genuinely considering telling him, face to face, that he should keep it to himself. He keeps dropping these little hints…
I have his ❤
He ❤ ’s my little face
Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart
I’m worried this guy is running away with us. I’m still not 100% his, I don’t think. He’s not done anything wrong, and he’s actually being the perfect boyfriend, but I’m not there yet. I’m taking my sweet ass time, and I wish people would let me. He keeps reminding me of how long we’ve been together – four months, in case you weren’t sure. At four months, it is OK to say the L-Word? Like, is it OK for him to say that to me? He keeps telling me that I’m so much more than just his Smurf now, and I’m struggling to keep up with all the compliments and nice things he says. It’s almost too much for me. It might even be too much for me. I can’t work it out. We’re still only seeing each other once every couple of weeks, but we talk every day. If I was more into him, wouldn’t I want to see him more often? Wouldn’t I make more of an effort to make it happen more often than just every couple of weeks?
I want to tell him to slow down.
Someone New, please slow down. I’m still too fragile from a really difficult time in my life, and I’m not ready to rush headfirst into my next romance chapter. The fact that today happened at work, the whole Jock-lookalike thing; surely that just shows I’m not over the ex yet? Should I even be in this ‘relationship’ with you – my Someone New?
You’re a very special guy, and I kinda want to keep you in it for a while. If you drop the L-Bomb soon, I’m pretty sure I’ll run a mile. I don’t think my heart or my head could handle that right now. Just let me lick my wounds, and take things at my own pace. I’ll tell you when it is acceptable to drop the L-Bomb. Don’t worry. You’ll know.
So how do I say that to him? I can’t just say that to him…. Can I?
Today was tough. I plan to sleep in late tomorrow. Very late.
Night all x