So I went on my fifth date with Someone New. I put my indecision to one side and decided to just go ahead with it. I had nothing to lose after all, well apart from a day of my life and I figured I could handle that.
He met me from the station as always, and we had a coffee in town before picking up some groceries and heading back to his. I was making dinner – caesar salad, and we were going to watch a movie – Godzilla. I’m still ‘off-limits’ for another two weeks yet so he knew sex was off the table. Blowjobs weren’t though. He got two of those off me. See, even when I’m off-limits I’m not really off-limits. I reckon that makes me a good girlfy, doesn’t it?
Don’t worry though – I’m keeping a tally of exactly how many he owes me. Although he did give me a lovely shoulder and back massage before bed so I reckon I could knock a couple off the total! 😉
In all seriousness though, I can’t work it out. One minute, like when we’re curled up on his couch, warmly snuggled up in a blanket, I’m perfectly into him, and I don’t want to go anywhere fast and then the next, such as when he is telling me his mother has anxiety and agoraphobia and hates change, and especially likes to ‘play up’ whenever one of her two sons gets a new girlfriend (AKA me) and turns into a completely, raving lunatic, all I want to do is head for the hills. Between the crazy mother and the ex-girlfriend that he still works with, I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t the greatest idea in the world.
Plus there’s the girl that “gets in touch” whenever she is single *cough, booty call* who persists in commenting on every Facebook status he puts up, even the ones where I’m clearly tagged in it.
And on top of that, the shoulder-surfing. You know what I mean – he constantly seems to be looking over my shoulder whenever I’m doing something on your phone. That proves to be a problem for me. After all, my blog stuff is on there. And we all know how much of a complete disaster it would be if he found that…. Right?
But then on the other hand, we’ve only been hanging out for a month and a half. We’re in that new phase. That phase where you find out all sorts of weird and wonderful things about each other – the good things and the bad. Plus we have this amazing chemistry – I can’t seem to keep my hands to myself. Is it really so bad to want more of that attention; his touch, even when I’m not sure he’s the right kinda guy for me? Or am I just wasting my time?
We had a perfectly beautiful, lazy day on the couch, watching bad daytime TV and curled up happily in his warm blanket, talking shit about everything and anything that popped into our heads. He’s a really fun guy to be around when he’s not super serious and talking about falling for me, or his mother. We have lots of little things in common, but we still have plenty of things to openly discuss our differences on. He’s fun, he’s funny, I actually want to be around him. So what’s missing? What’s not working here? Or is it something as simple as I mentioned last time (and Karen agreed with) – I’m just not quite over Jock yet?
I’m missing the emotional attachment here I think. The sexual attachment is there. I want to touch him, put my arms around him, hold his hand. The personality match is there – we have lots of things to talk about, constantly laugh and giggle, and can even discuss more personal and serious things too. The only thing thats missing is that emotion for me. It’s there for him and I know that because he told me but on my side, there’s something not right, there’s still one little box not ticked.
I seem to be kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place here. What do I do? Should I carry on with things knowing full well how he feels about me, not being sure whether or not I could feel the same for him? Or should I put an end to it now just in case I might have cancer / can’t have kids / they find something bad during my endoscopy (more fucking tests) / I can’t fall for him too?
When did dating get so damn political?