I’m So Indecisive Today.

I don’t really know what has happened. A few days ago, I was well into my Someone New. Then he went away for the weekend for work, and I found out that he stopped shagging a work colleague only a few months ago (plus they were shagging for more than a few months, and she’s prettier and skinnier than me, and they still work together, and he’s 30 and she’s only 21 – ew!) and all of a sudden, it’s like I’m not all that interested anymore.

I don’t really know what’s happened. I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared I have cervical cancer – I got a letter confirming that the colposcopy showed ‘high grade cervical intraepithelial neoplasia’ and I was to wait for the biopsy results to make a plan with my consultant in the ‘near future’. It’s all a bit scary if you ask me, even if I am being paranoid.

It might not be that. Maybe he’s just a bit blah for me? I thought at the beginning that he might be a bit of a ‘nice guy’. Maybe it was the revelation of the work colleague that he’s no longer sleeping with, but was sleeping with not that long ago, for a while, and they still work together? Surely everyone knows by now that you don’t shit where you eat? Plus she’s so young – 30 versus 21. That’s just weird, right? Just me?

Maybe I’m just having a hard time right now and I don’t know what I want? I said to him before he went away on his work trip that I didn’t know if this was right for just now. I don’t feel that this sick, weepy, emotional, scared person is a true representation of me. I don’t feel like I’m being myself around him. I’nervous and I don’t know how to act. That’s not me. I eat men like him for breakfast… Don’t I?

He’s already told me that he’s falling for me. He told me once via text message and then he went and actually said the words one of the last times we were on the phone. He’s falling for me. Four dates. A month and a half. He’s falling for me? Uh, again? Another narcissist? Why does this keep happening to me? Why couldn’t we have just sailed along nicely for a few months, like four to six months, having a good time, having too much sex and generally enjoying the ‘honeymoon’ phase before we went into “I’m falling for you” territory? What happened to courting? Dating? Wooing? How can he be falling for me already after just four dates and one sleepover? It’s like Jock happening all over again except it was seven dates for him, wasn’t it – 34 days?

That’s not all either. He told me I would have a surprise coming a while back and the day before Valentine’s Day, a small box with my favourite candies, a couple of stuffed toys and an anonymous Valentine’s Day card turned up at my work. He called himself “Little Legs” in the card so I knew it was him (for someone so tall, he has remarkably small legs), but I never once told him where I worked. I mean, he probably had an idea, but he would never have known where exactly it was. Apparently he worked out how long it took me to get to work in the morning when I was messaging him, and figured it out from my house. Kinda romantic, yes. Super creepy, absolutely!

Plus he keeps talking to my Dad! Admittedly he bought a few bike-related bits and pieces from him but even still, it’s weird that I personally haven’t introduced them, right? And that they are talking quite happily on Facebook. My Dad has even started liking Someone New’s posts on my Facebook page. It’s like this relationship is running away with itself for everyone but me. My Dad loves him. Someone New loves me. What’s the problem here?

I think I know what the problem is. I just don’t want to say it. Don’t make me say it. OK, fine. The problem is I’m not over Jock. I still love Jock. I still pine for Jock. He’s still the only guy I really ever wanted. It’s not as much of a problem as it was a few months back but I’m definitely still going through the motions of that breakup. I think this little love affair with Someone New may have started just a little too soon. I can see this ending badly – I’m going to break his heart.

There’s too many warning signs here for my liking. He’s too controlling even though he’s trying so hard not to be. I thought he came across as a nice guy but at times I wonder if this is just a facade. Is he really a nice guy? He has this dark undercurrent running through him and that won’t make sense to any girl that hasn’t sensed it for herself, but it’s like you can imagine them being really mean and spiteful in a fight, really out of line, really controlling. It’s that quiet arrogance, the same kind of quiet arrogance that I once found so attractive in my Husband. Look how that turned out…

I think maybe I’m just thinking too much into things right now. Maybe I should just kick back and relax? Maybe I’m just an angry, frustrated little bunny because I’ve not gotten laid, and I still have another couple of weeks to go before I can.

Doesn’t help me out right now though. I’m trying to work out whether or not I want to go on the fifth date with my Someone New in about two hours time. I’m trying to work out if I want to stay at his tonight. Or should we just have dinner and then I leave? I’m horny and seriously craving a man’s touch, but will getting him off be enough to curb my hunger for a couple more weeks? Or will it just increase my frustrations? I don’t really have anything to lose by going. Maybe I just can’t be bothered?

I’m so indecisive today. 

3 thoughts on “I’m So Indecisive Today.

  1. Quite a dilemma there, my dear. But I think I do know how you feel. I think you are absolutely right, you didn’t allow enough time to ‘recover’ from Jock and you are probably not ready to jump into something serious so soon, and by what you describe, it’s almost as if you were in a serious/ long relationship! (The bit about the ‘work’ and your ‘dad’ does sound quite a bit creepy, considering the short amount of time you have known each other).

    Now , don’t misunderstand me, I don’t think time means anything. Sometimes Time is just an excuse we make up ourselves to give us hope that things can change, that our feelings can change. When I connect to someone, I know it right away. And if I feel I am falling for someone (even though I wouldn’t probably say it !) it would probably be a matter of ‘now or never’. It either is , or it is not – and that’s something that time won’t change. By what you describe now, you are right for him but you have to consider the possibility that he is not right for you. Or maybe, it is just the timing.

    Whatever your conclusion is, as always, I am wishing you the best of luck 🙂

  2. You know the reasons why – it is because you were falling for him when you didn’t know the real him; the more he has revealed about the real him, the more your gut is screaming ‘trouble’ (for damn good reason, although not the age thing, that’s not unusual); and he is another narcissist because the wounds that have you so tied into Jock have not even been looked at, let alone healed. Because it never has been about Jock, just like for me it never was really about Steve, it’s always been about those inner wounds. Lecture over – can someone help me down from this soapbox, please! xx

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