I Hate Those What-If’s.

I’ve been quiet again. That’s because not much is happening really. I’ve had a few more texts from The Fireman. Things are still sailing along with Someone New. I still haven’t heard a peek from Jock. Not that I ever expected to of course. Well actually, I did….

When we first got together, he was living in a house share with three other women and there was this lovely Irish girl. When I went through the Facebook friends list after Jock and I broke up, for some reason, I must have completely skipped past the lovely Irish girl as she happened to like and comment on a recent hospital selfie I had posted on my page. You know, because I’m in the hospital every week these days. Resting bitch face.

“Hope you’re alright!” she said. It was enough to make my heart stop, not because she had commented on my photo but because it was HER. It was because she was still a friend of HIS. Maybe she’d tell him that I was in the hospital? Maybe she doesn’t know we’ve broken up? Of course she does. She must know by now, surely? It’s not like we haven’t been broken up for long enough. Saying that, his brother didn’t even know so I shan’t hold my breath on people being aware of our ‘conscious uncoupling’.

Or as I like to call it, three months of hell-blubbering breakup.

He doesn’t know that I don’t have cancer. He doesn’t know I’m on cancer scare number two. If she tells him that I was in the hospital, would he contact me? Would she even tell him that? Is that information that she would share with him? Maybe in passing conversation…?

Would he message me, do you think? I don’t. I don’t really think he gave that much of a shit to start with. The last thing I’d want him to think is that I’m in hospital because the cancer-news was bad. I wouldn’t want him to think that. I wouldn’t want to feel his pity. I wouldn’t want him to feel sad for me. Or maybe I would want him to wonder…?

This is why you should get rid of ALL of his friends when you go through yet another devastating breakup. In weeks, months and even years gone by, these mutual acquaintances will pop up out of nowhere and make you think of all those happy times again. It’ll bring up all those questions you thought you had buried deep somewhere – is he still thinking about me? Does he still love me? I wonder what would have happened if we had just stayed together…?

I hate those fucking what-if’s. 

2 thoughts on “I Hate Those What-If’s.

  1. IF – IF it comes to radiation treatment, try to get some eggs in deep freeze storage – because radiation could kill all the eggs. Then you’ll have the option to have biological kids. I have no idea what that would cost in the US, but this has been done successfully over here. But of course, we all hope that you will turn out fine, and that from now on, only the periodical checkups will be needed. (Don’t skip any checkups!)

    My late wife (cigarettes killed her) and my ex GF both had the same operation many years ago, and my ex is still alive and kicking.

    I hope I didn’t upset you?

    • At this point, I’m past being upset. Any advice AND information is greatly appreciated. The good old British NHS is shite and can’t answer any of my burning questions. Humph.
      Thanks 🙂

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