There is a guy I see everyday and he is the spitting image of Jock – his Doppelganger. I don’t know why but I always seem to see him. Whether I’m walking down the road back home and we pass each other in the street, or he walks past my house as I happen to be writing in the window. Almost every day I see him and every time I do, my heart skips a beat. I’m short-sighted so from a distance away, I actually think it’s him, Jock. As he gets closer I realise it’s not and every time, I get a little disappointed. I don’t really know why.
We haven’t spoken for such a long time now. He never did ask me whether or not I had bowel cancer. Just like he doesn’t know that I’m now going through the scary cervical crap now either. I guess it was for the best that he ran off when he did. If one cancer scare was too much for him, his heart probably would have exploded by now. If he had a heart of course. Wanker.
I’m over it now, moving onto Someone New but occasionally my heart still pines for him. Every time I hear All of Me, my heart stops. Every time I see the guy that looks like him, my heart skips a beat. Every time I come across another photo of him that I had forgotten I had, my heart pounds through my chest. I do miss him. Every now and then, I miss him. I let myself listen to our song on the way to work. I let my eyes fill up with tears. I don’t let them escape down my cheeks, but I do let them start to form. It’s OK that I still miss him and that I still get upset. I have a heart. My heart was broken. He was the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with. I know that’s something that won’t go away overnight, if at all. I’ve accepted now that he will always be the one that got away. I know everyone thinks he was bad for me, but he’ll always be the one I really wanted. He was fat, old and grey but he was everything I was looking for. Just not in the package I expected to find it in. And with a bit more baggage than I would have wanted.
I don’t think Someone New is going to be the next love of my life. I actually see quite a lot of similarities between him and One Ball and The Lapdog. I think he’s going to be a gap-filler; someone that fills my head and my time while I’m waiting for the storm of Jock to pass. I don’t really know if I’m allowed to say that out loud but oh well, I’ve said it now. He’s too much of a control freak to be a long-term thing for me. Too much of a nice-guy at the same time, quite bizarrely too. He won’t be able to control me and that will frustrate him eventually. The nice guy persona will be ripped down one day. He says it keeps him on his toes right now but how long will it take before it annoys him rather than excites him?
On top of that, there have been a few red lights for me already – those warning bells that don’t seem like much now but out of experience you’ve learned will end up being a massive, great big deal later on when it’s too late and everyone’s feelings get hurt. 84 messages when I woke up the other morning, for example, and the constant selfie-taking obsession he seems to have materialised. When I was at his for our third date, he grabbed my phone when I was in the toilet and took about 50 selfies (because the camera is the only thing you can access on an iPhone when it is locked). Out of those 84 messages I woke up to, around 50 of them were selfies. Plus he wants to know what I’ve eaten, where I’ve been, where I am, and what I’m up to all the time. Like every minute of every day. I can’t work out if he’s just the really good, attentive boyfriend I’ve always wanted, or a total complete freak. I think it’s probably the latter.
Maybe he’ll surprise me and be a good guy after all? We’ve definitely got chemistry but is that always enough? Are these real warning signs, or is this because I didn’t have anything like this with Jock? He never gave a shit where I was or what I was doing, which should have been an alarm bell by itself really. Is it really so strange for my new boyfriend to want to know how I am, how I’m feeling, what I’m up to? Is it really so strange for him to want to put a selfie up on Facebook of the two of us together after just a month? We’ve had four dates. He’d asked me to be his “girlfriend” before we had even slept together. To be fair, we do talk a lot – we’re always Whatsapping or Facetiming. He tries to call me every day. It’s exhausting being in constant contact but I do enjoy talking to him.
Oh, before I forget, I need to add this guy to my list. Someone New – Number 43. Christ these are starting to add up fast. Maybe I should be a fourth-date girl more often and I wouldn’t be looking at such a long list. You should see my resting bitch face right now. Or resting slut face, it seems more appropriate. Maybe I should set myself a limit? Get to 50 guys and that’s it, no more guys! I either have to reuse a guy from my past (The Fireman has been in touch again. Maybe I could get back with the ex?) or become a Nun. Technically then I can only have 49 guys because I need to keep one space open for the Bestie in case we do decided to get married and procreate one day. That’s if they leave my cervix where it is. Resting slut face again.
See the kind of dilemmas you’re faced with when you have two cancer scares in six months. Yes, that’s right. You’d better be sympathising with me. Fucks sake.