Soooo, what’s been happening with you guys? Actually, I don’t care. Shush. I want to tell you about my Someone New who I am now well and truly smitten with. And no, we still haven’t met.
We’ve Facetimed and spoken for HOURS on the phone. We text literally from the second we wake up, to the second we go to bed at night. We’ve discussed everything, anything you could think of. Movies, music, food, family, work, sex, past loves, you name it, we’ve talked about it. There’s not one thing I’m uncomfortable talking to him about. My fingers get carried away during our conversations and everything in my head comes pouring out of me in message form. We seem to have so many connections, neither of us can believe it’s true. So it’s gotta be too good to be true…. Hasn’t it?
I’m trying to be positive, of course. I’m trying not to figure out what will inevitably destroy us. Sometimes my head can’t help it. I guess I’ve been so disappointed by the men of my past, I’m already doubting what could end up being the man of my future. And trust me, he’s already made it pretty clear that all of his eggs are in my basket. In fact, I think that might be our downfall – this is moving waaaaay too fast already. He says he can’t help it, and it’s the way he feels about me but part of me can’t help but wonder how many other girls he may have said that to before. How many other girls has he fallen in love with at the drop of a hat? We know that’s my downfall also but if it’s his too, we have ourselves a recipe for disaster, don’t we?
I keep having a sneaky peek on POF to see if he’s been online but he never is. He’s told me he deleted the app because he’s found me. Could it really be the case that he’s actually telling the truth? Didn’t Jock once tell me the exact same thing…?
Part of me thinks I may be embarking on something new far too soon after Jock but I can’t help it. I don’t even think I want to help it. I want to be happy with someone. I want to be curled up with someone on the couch at night. I want to wake up nakedly tangled up in someone else’s limbs. I want to be nakedly tangled up in my Someone New’s limbs. That’s what I want. I’m no longer bothered about Jock or the sexual control he once had over me. That feeling of sadness of no longer bringing myself to climax on Jock’s dick just one last time has been replaced by the excited feeling of anticipating sleeping with someone you really like for the very first time. That nervous, apprehensive, anxious feeling that makes you want to squeal, giving you butterflies right in your gut.
Nervous as hell about jumping in with Someone New, I just can’t help myself. That smile that creeps across my face when he messages me – I’m not doing that. That’s out of my control. I can’t do a damn thing about it. We have so much in common and share so many of the same views, I know I’ll be the wild ride he needs and he’ll be the sensible Prince Charming that ensures I don’t stray too far from reality. It is as if I can already see us together in my head. How this happening with a guy I haven’t even met yet? Or is this just part of my breakup process? When I look back at all the past loves in my life, there is normally another one lined up before I finally jump ship and if there’s not, it’s not long before I’ve got my claws into someone else; normally someone else that becomes the next great love of my life.
There was Number 20. I cheated on him with Number 4 and then went on to have a long term relationship with him. I broke up with him and it wasn’t that long before I got with Number 24 who I was with for almost a year I think. Then I met The Hubby. I had Big Love lined up before I left him. Then straight after Big Love there was the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of. Then there was One Ball. And then, on the same day I broke up with One Ball, I met my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. And now we are here with my Someone New. I guess it’s been a while since Jock – three or four months. Is it really too soon? I ask the question again – how long does it take to get over someone? If, as suggested, it takes half the time you were with them to get over them, I have 9 months of breakup to get through. We were together for a year and a half – 18 months. I’ve done four months. Surely I have another five to go? I wouldn’t imagine my Someone New will wait that long…
Yesterday he (Someone New) dropped the bombshell on me that he was off work today. I agreed to let him know if I could meet him and although I had ZERO other plans, I couldn’t muster up the strength to get my game face on and head on out to meet him for the first time. We’d already made a plan for next Wednesday anyway. I’m prepared for that. I can handle that. I have a few days to get ready for that, you know? He shouldn’t have sprung the last minute meeting on me which I told him after I admitted I’d blown him out for no reason out of fear. We had a pretty deep heart to heart tonight. Maybe I should share some of it with you:
“I’ve been so guarded of what I think and feel and letting someone in for me is so difficult when I’ve been with people who’ve just wanted to throw that away. It’s hard and scary. I put myself on the spot yesterday and said about meeting cause I didn’t give myself time to think and wanted to just see you. Yes I think we have a massive connection, that also was big frightener for me cause to meet someone who think and feels some of the same things as me….. I was fairly certain that was gonna be a long while till that happened – and yeah I’d prepared for that. So this has been a massive curve ball. I want it to be a life changing one. I really do. I do know what you mean about relationships. Previous to ex with drink/drugs I was with someone who thought a relationship was an open relationship. That broke me. So yeah I could probably do the runaway child bit too. But I want this so badly. 10 minutes ago my heart was ready to come through my chest as I though oh fuck what’s happening? Is It off?!?! But no, I just get all panicky and dunno what to do lol. I want you. Really want you. I dunno how else to say it. I just want you. – I don’t wanna keep you in a cave, I would like us to be part of each other’s lives. What you’ve said about relationships and sex and stuff, it’s been so good to be open. I had a moment of thinking you must be a mate just winding me up. This cannot be happening and be this many connections. You’re not, you’re you. Someone fairly special as it stands. Wednesday can’t come round soon enough.”
Can you actually believe he said those things to me? I’ve known him for ten days. That’s it. He sent his first message to me on the 15th January. I can’t believe I’m here again. I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I must be a fucking masochist.
But yeah… What’s going on with you?