It’s been a really good day for me. Well, up until a point anyway. I left the house today (woo hoo!), my bowels behaved themselves, my love life is still going swimmingly, I did some shopping, had a lot of fun, and then… I got a massive commission from a sale on one of my websites. In fact, it was the biggest commission I’d made in a single sale and I hit the roof with excitement.
As happy as I was, I had this niggling feeling and I realised I was missing something. There was someone I really wanted to tell about my new big windfall…. I wanted to tell my Beautiful Tattooed Jock.
It started last night when his song came on the radio. You know the one – “All of me” by John Legend. For a second, I could feel tears fill my eyes and I realised that from time to time, it was OK to miss him. It was OK to feel a bit sad. He was a big part of my life and although he may not have loved me, I definitely did love him. That’s not something that’s just going to go away overnight, right? I wiped away the few tears that escaped down my cheeks, turned over the station and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was him because he was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep, and when I saw my regular morning messages (there are always a few…) from Someone New, for once, it didn’t put a smile on my face. It kinda made me wish that they had been from Jock.
How horrible is that? Gosh, I’m an awful person. Right there in front of me, doing everything that I’d kinda wished Jock would have done, worshipping the ground I walk on is my brand new, shiny, exciting Someone New and all I can do is think about the prick that last broke my heart. I feel so guilty. I kinda wanted to tell Someone New about my thoughts but I didn’t think it was fair. That’s not something he really needs to know, right? Or does he? We have been so brutally honest about everything else?
Speaking of him (which I really should), and we’ve been speaking non-stop as usual. In fact, last night he even asked me if I was his girlfriend. Kinda cute for a 30 year old guy… Or kinda vomit-inducing. I told him when and if he had the balls to ask me to my face, I’d probably say yes. As soppy as he can be sometimes, this new guy is certainly refreshing. It’s bringing a smile to my face so as much as we are different, I’m going to just go with it. He’s far too conservative for me though. He’s never been to strippers. He’s never received a “full blowjob” (his words). He’s going to love me, right? Most guys “best ever” blowjob. Their words, not mine. Lol!
His parents are very old-fashioned with actual cuckoo clocks on the wall and I’m the pierced, inked up princess that doesn’t shit from no one and doesn’t mind letting her attitude come out of her mouth. I can see this going down really well! Pah!
We’re in the process of organising our second date. Bowling, he thinks, or a romantic dinner for two in an intimate French restaurant. This guy is too cheesy for words sometimes. I kinda like it. I’ve never had a date in a romantic restaurant with candles on the tables before. 28 years old and I’ve never actually had a dinner date. What the fuck? I must have dated some really lame blokes. I’m the kind of girl you take to the zoo, or out for one too many cheeky drinks. I’m not the kind of girl that you take to nice restaurants… Am I? Maybe we should just stick with bowling.
I think Jock is going to be a lot harder to get over than what I gave him credit for. Fuck him for breaking my heart. All of a sudden, I’m not entirely sure my Someone New is a good idea. He’s going to fall in love with me. I’m going to fall in love with him. And we’re hardly ‘well-suited’, are we? We are two very different ends of the spectrum and if I’m honest, I’m not 100% sure I’m ‘good enough’ for him, whatever that means. He’s just bought his first house and runs a profitable motorcycle store. I work in a house share because I make bad decisions, and I’m not even sure I have a job to go back to next week, and I can hardly say my writing career is going exactly as I had hoped it would. I don’t know, all of a sudden I just feel massively inadequate. With Jock, I was the bread winner for sure. I’m sure I would be the bread-winner in the relationship with Someone New but until I’ve paid off all my bad mistakes, I’m basically only scraping by. And the whole paying-off process isn’t going quite as well as I had expected. He’s so conservative. He thinks I’m “exciting”. I don’t want to be someone he’s just ‘trying on’.
Maybe it’s just a bad day.