Maybe It’s Just a Bad Day?

It’s been a really good day for me. Well, up until a point anyway. I left the house today (woo hoo!), my bowels behaved themselves, my love life is still going swimmingly, I did some shopping, had a lot of fun, and then… I got a massive commission from a sale on one of my websites. In fact, it was the biggest commission I’d made in a single sale and I hit the roof with excitement.

As happy as I was, I had this niggling feeling and I realised I was missing something. There was someone I really wanted to tell about my new big windfall…. I wanted to tell my Beautiful Tattooed Jock.

It started last night when his song came on the radio. You know the one – “All of me” by John Legend. For a second, I could feel tears fill my eyes and I realised that from time to time, it was OK to miss him. It was OK to feel a bit sad. He was a big part of my life and although he may not have loved me, I definitely did love him. That’s not something that’s just going to go away overnight, right? I wiped away the few tears that escaped down my cheeks, turned over the station and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was him because he was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep, and when I saw my regular morning messages (there are always a few…) from Someone New, for once, it didn’t put a smile on my face. It kinda made me wish that they had been from Jock.

How horrible is that? Gosh, I’m an awful person. Right there in front of me, doing everything that I’d kinda wished Jock would have done, worshipping the ground I walk on is my brand new, shiny, exciting Someone New and all I can do is think about the prick that last broke my heart. I feel so guilty. I kinda wanted to tell Someone New about my thoughts but I didn’t think it was fair. That’s not something he really needs to know, right? Or does he? We have been so brutally honest about everything else?

Speaking of him (which I really should), and we’ve been speaking non-stop as usual. In fact, last night he even asked me if I was his girlfriend. Kinda cute for a 30 year old guy… Or kinda vomit-inducing. I told him when and if he had the balls to ask me to my face, I’d probably say yes. As soppy as he can be sometimes, this new guy is certainly refreshing. It’s bringing a smile to my face so as much as we are different, I’m going to just go with it. He’s far too conservative for me though. He’s never been to strippers. He’s never received a “full blowjob” (his words). He’s going to love me, right? Most guys “best ever” blowjob. Their words, not mine. Lol!

His parents are very old-fashioned with actual cuckoo clocks on the wall and I’m the pierced, inked up princess that doesn’t shit from no one and doesn’t mind letting her attitude come out of her mouth. I can see this going down really well! Pah!

We’re in the process of organising our second date. Bowling, he thinks, or a romantic dinner for two in an intimate French restaurant. This guy is too cheesy for words sometimes. I kinda like it. I’ve never had a date in a romantic restaurant with candles on the tables before. 28 years old and I’ve never actually had a dinner date. What the fuck? I must have dated some really lame blokes. I’m the kind of girl you take to the zoo, or out for one too many cheeky drinks. I’m not the kind of girl that you take to nice restaurants… Am I? Maybe we should just stick with bowling.

I think Jock is going to be a lot harder to get over than what I gave him credit for. Fuck him for breaking my heart. All of a sudden, I’m not entirely sure my Someone New is a good idea. He’s going to fall in love with me. I’m going to fall in love with him. And we’re hardly ‘well-suited’, are we? We are two very different ends of the spectrum and if I’m honest, I’m not 100% sure I’m ‘good enough’ for him, whatever that means. He’s just bought his first house and runs a profitable motorcycle store. I work in a house share because I make bad decisions, and I’m not even sure I have a job to go back to next week, and I can hardly say my writing career is going exactly as I had hoped it would. I don’t know, all of a sudden I just feel massively inadequate. With Jock, I was the bread winner for sure. I’m sure I would be the bread-winner in the relationship with Someone New but until I’ve paid off all my bad mistakes, I’m basically only scraping by. And the whole paying-off process isn’t going quite as well as I had expected. He’s so conservative. He thinks I’m “exciting”. I don’t want to be someone he’s just ‘trying on’.

Maybe it’s just a bad day.

What Were the Chances? (Someone New – Date One)

So I felt that I would take a slightly different approach to this date. I’m going to give you an hour by hour rundown as it happens. A minute-taking, if you like, of my first date with Someone New. Now, I do appreciate that I’m putting this date on quite the pedestal but fuck it, good or bad, we’re doing this together.

So, this is me at 5:44pm. Our date was meant to have started somewhere around the 2/3pm mark but his meeting overran quite a bit so now we’re looking at meeting for around 6:30pm. In fact, maybe even later than that. What started out as a lunchtime coffee has now turned into evening drinks and a bite to eat. I can’t eat anything and I can’t drink with my antibiotics but at this point, I no longer give a shit. Plus, it’ll be tomorrow I’ll suffer and he won’t be around tomorrow so it won’t matter. I can be miserable by myself. Fuck my gut. Fuck my antibiotics too. I behave and I’m sick so I might as well misbehave and be sick… Right?

I got my nails done today. I also saw my counsellor for the first time today. The first of four sessions provided by work to try and get me back on my feet. I cried the whole time. He thinks I’m depressed and could benefit from some antidepressants. I’ll tell you where he can shove his poxy antidepressants. I’m going to fuck my way out of this slump. I’m so over being miserable. Not tonight though, never on a first date.

5:56pm – He’s having a nightmare with the trains in the Big City. I can see tonight not happening…

I’d be so annoyed! I’ve had a pretty decent day. I’m ready. I’m dressed. I‘m showered. I smell pretty. I bleached my hair yesterday. My nails look good. My makeup looks alright. I’m date-ready today. I worked hard, watching what I ate ALL WEEK and making sure I went to see my therapist, I deserve this fucking date! I made sure I wasn’t sick for this date. Please don’t let all that hard work go to waste. Please! Give me a fucking break.

5:59pm – Shit. What happens if I don’t like him? What happens if he doesn’t look how I think he looks? Or he smells funny? Or spits when he talks? I really hate dating you know.

6:24pm – Well I’ve not heard from in a while. Is the date still going ahead? Fuck the Big City and its rush hour traffic. We’ve decided on a pub for some food and a couple of glasses of wine perhaps. Again, fuck the antibiotics. Fuck my gut.

7:14pm – Oh my god he’s arriving at the destination in half an hour. I’m to meet him there. Train times, checked. I have fifteen minutes before I need to leave. I’m shitting myself. My insides are doing somersaults. I’m so nervous, it is beyond belief. Must remember not to get drunk. Must remember not to have more than one glass of wine because I’m on antibiotics. Must remember I have a hairy foof so no first date naughtiness. I literally can’t portray to you how nervous I am. I really like this guy. I really hope it goes to plan. I really hope he’s not a dick. I really hope he’s everything I think he’s going to be.

7:49pm – Fuck. Time to get off the train. I don’t know if I’m ready to do this.

8:17pm – He’s in the toilet. We’ve just got to the bar. We’ve ordered soft drinks. We’re going to have wine over dinner. Wow he’s super fit. Those eyes. I keep stumbling over my words. What a prick I’m being. Its time to order food. That means wine. Hopefully the wine will settle me. Maybe there is some chemistry? Maybe I’m just nervous.

9:52pm – He’s in the toilet again. I really like him. I’m also pretty pissed. Currently halfway through my second glass of wine. Went with the caesar salad though. It’s not like I can eat anything else. There is chemistry. Kinda wish I didn’t have morals and could have sex with him on the first night.

10:52pm – I’m home. I can’t talk right now. My head is all over the place.

11:40pm – He’s called me to thank me for a great evening already. That’s gotta be a good sign, right?

It’s now half past midnight. I’ve had a cup of tea and a cheeky smoke to try and stop my spinning head. I cannot stop thinking about him. I’m in so much trouble right now. This is the last thing I need. I’m actually depressed. I saw a counsellor today and he said I was depressed yet I managed to go on a first date with a guy I’m almost one hundred percent sure I’m going to fall in love with.

I knew this first date would be a formality. Our chat is far too good for there not to be chemistry there and when we walked to the station and I left him there, shit went down…

He held my hand on the way home. In fact he didn’t, I reached out and held his hand. He asked me a week or so ago if I were a hand-holder and I said I didn’t know. I’ve never really held hands with a guy before. Jock was too short for that. I can’t remember if Big Love and I held hands although the fact I don’t remember it would suggest we didn’t… I held his hand. Yep, I made that move. To be fair, he’d already done that over the table at dinner – our hands were in close proximity and before I knew it, he’d reached his hand out and grabbed mine. It felt as if I had just grabbed a ball of fire. The touch almost made me jump.

When I hugged him at the station, a really nervous, awkward hug, it reminded me of that very first hug when we met at the beginning of the night. Clunky, awkward and actually kinda heart warming. It became very evident that we were both as nervous as each other. I bet we looked really cute. Another thing that became very evident was how much we really wanted each other. I couldn’t keep my shit together, and I definitely couldn’t look at him in the face. That’s how I know I really like someone. I can’t look at them in the eyes.

I ran to the bathroom a bit later on, and he sent me a cheeky text message: “You’ve got a really nice bum!”

I went to the bathroom twice and both times I ran back down the stairs towards him, I noticed that he was actually turned around to watch me return. Do you know how good that feels? To look at someone and make eye contact as you realise he has turned himself around in his chair to look for you. That’s not something that happens with many guys. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had that with any guy.

He asked me why I wore I ring on my ‘ring finger’ and I decided to be honest with him – “OK, I lost weight. I’m blonde, I have boobs, a booty and big blue eyes. I get hit on a lot now. It’s something I’m really not used to. I just tell them I’m engaged and it gets rid of most of them.”

He told me as we walked home that he knew what I meant. Apparently when I went to the bathroom, he noticed that many of the guys in the bar were looking at me. As we walked to the station, we passed a group of guys and he told me that every single one of them had watched me walk past. I don’t see this, of course. In my head I’m still the fat girl and it’s a regular topic of conversation between Bestie and I. He’s forever telling me about guys that are checking me out in public, guys I am completely oblivious to. Just like I was oblivious to the guys in the bar last night – because I was so completely enthralled by the beautiful man with the dangerous big blue eyes and adorably long eye lashes in front of me, I didn’t even notice anyone else.

Back at the station, and that clunky hug that felt oh so good…. I moved to look at him and he turned to look at me. He leaned in. I leaned up. The kiss happened. On date one! The shock! The horror! 😉

No tongues. It was just the first date after all, but it was still a kiss. A proper kiss. It was the perfect first date kiss. There was a lean, his arms were around my waist, mine around his shoulders. It was much briefer than I wanted but just enough. I walked away and shouted “Good night” behind me and I walked to the station without looking back once. It was the coolest move I’d ever played. I was so proud of myself! I knew he’d be watching me go. And within a minute he had sent me this – “Is it wrong I wanna bring you back and kiss you?” This was closely followed by “You’re even better than I expected” and “You’re beautiful”.

Maybe this guy is my post breakup ego-booster? Perhaps that’s all it is? Whatever it is, there is seriously something there and I want a little more of it. Fuck waiting until the fourth date. This is a definite third date situation. And if I’m totally honest, I don’t even want to wait that long but I will because I’m a lady.

So there we are. First date done. My Someone New was every bit as enticing as I had hoped. What were the chances?

What Were the Chances? (Someone New - Date One)

Nakedly Tangled…

Soooo, what’s been happening with you guys? Actually, I don’t care. Shush. I want to tell you about my Someone New who I am now well and truly smitten with. And no, we still haven’t met.

We’ve Facetimed and spoken for HOURS on the phone. We text literally from the second we wake up, to the second we go to bed at night. We’ve discussed everything, anything you could think of. Movies, music, food, family, work, sex, past loves, you name it, we’ve talked about it. There’s not one thing I’m uncomfortable talking to him about. My fingers get carried away during our conversations and everything in my head comes pouring out of me in message form. We seem to have so many connections, neither of us can believe it’s true. So it’s gotta be too good to be true…. Hasn’t it?

I’m trying to be positive, of course. I’m trying not to figure out what will inevitably destroy us. Sometimes my head can’t help it. I guess I’ve been so disappointed by the men of my past, I’m already doubting what could end up being the man of my future. And trust me, he’s already made it pretty clear that all of his eggs are in my basket. In fact, I think that might be our downfall – this is moving waaaaay too fast already. He says he can’t help it, and it’s the way he feels about me but part of me can’t help but wonder how many other girls he may have said that to before. How many other girls has he fallen in love with at the drop of a hat? We know that’s my downfall also but if it’s his too, we have ourselves a recipe for disaster, don’t we?

I keep having a sneaky peek on POF to see if he’s been online but he never is. He’s told me he deleted the app because he’s found me. Could it really be the case that he’s actually telling the truth? Didn’t Jock once tell me the exact same thing…?

Part of me thinks I may be embarking on something new far too soon after Jock but I can’t help it. I don’t even think I want to help it. I want to be happy with someone. I want to be curled up with someone on the couch at night. I want to wake up nakedly tangled up in someone else’s limbs. I want to be nakedly tangled up in my Someone New’s limbs. That’s what I want. I’m no longer bothered about Jock or the sexual control he once had over me. That feeling of sadness of no longer bringing myself to climax on Jock’s dick just one last time has been replaced by the excited feeling of anticipating sleeping with someone you really like for the very first time. That nervous, apprehensive, anxious feeling that makes you want to squeal, giving you butterflies right in your gut.

Nakedly Tangled...

Nervous as hell about jumping in with Someone New, I just can’t help myself. That smile that creeps across my face when he messages me – I’m not doing that. That’s out of my control. I can’t do a damn thing about it. We have so much in common and share so many of the same views, I know I’ll be the wild ride he needs and he’ll be the sensible Prince Charming that ensures I don’t stray too far from reality. It is as if I can already see us together in my head. How this happening with a guy I haven’t even met yet? Or is this just part of my breakup process? When I look back at all the past loves in my life, there is normally another one lined up before I finally jump ship and if there’s not, it’s not long before I’ve got my claws into someone else; normally someone else that becomes the next great love of my life.

There was Number 20. I cheated on him with Number 4 and then went on to have a long term relationship with him. I broke up with him and it wasn’t that long before I got with Number 24 who I was with for almost a year I think. Then I met The Hubby. I had Big Love lined up before I left him. Then straight after Big Love there was the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of. Then there was One Ball. And then, on the same day I broke up with One Ball, I met my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. And now we are here with my Someone New. I guess it’s been a while since Jock – three or four months. Is it really too soon? I ask the question again – how long does it take to get over someone? If, as suggested, it takes half the time you were with them to get over them, I have 9 months of breakup to get through. We were together for a year and a half – 18 months. I’ve done four months. Surely I have another five to go? I wouldn’t imagine my Someone New will wait that long…

Yesterday he (Someone New) dropped the bombshell on me that he was off work today. I agreed to let him know if I could meet him and although I had ZERO other plans, I couldn’t muster up the strength to get my game face on and head on out to meet him for the first time. We’d already made a plan for next Wednesday anyway. I’m prepared for that. I can handle that. I have a few days to get ready for that, you know? He shouldn’t have sprung the last minute meeting on me which I told him after I admitted I’d blown him out for no reason out of fear. We had a pretty deep heart to heart tonight. Maybe I should share some of it with you:

“I’ve been so guarded of what I think and feel and letting someone in for me is so difficult when I’ve been with people who’ve just wanted to throw that away. It’s hard and scary. I put myself on the spot yesterday and said about meeting cause I didn’t give myself time to think and wanted to just see you. Yes I think we have a massive connection, that also was big frightener for me cause to meet someone who think and feels some of the same things as me….. I was fairly certain that was gonna be a long while till that happened – and yeah I’d prepared for that. So this has been a massive curve ball. I want it to be a life changing one. I really do. I do know what you mean about relationships. Previous to ex with drink/drugs I was with someone who thought a relationship was an open relationship. That broke me. So yeah I could probably do the runaway child bit too. But I want this so badly. 10 minutes ago my heart was ready to come through my chest as I though oh fuck what’s happening? Is It off?!?! But no, I just get all panicky and dunno what to do lol. I want you. Really want you. I dunno how else to say it. I just want you. – I don’t wanna keep you in a cave, I would like us to be part of each other’s lives. What you’ve said about relationships and sex and stuff, it’s been so good to be open. I had a moment of thinking you must be a mate just winding me up. This cannot be happening and be this many connections. You’re not, you’re you. Someone fairly special as it stands. Wednesday can’t come round soon enough.”

Can you actually believe he said those things to me? I’ve known him for ten days. That’s it. He sent his first message to me on the 15th January. I can’t believe I’m here again. I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I must be a fucking masochist.

But yeah… What’s going on with you? 

A Guy Who Wants to Be Your Guy.

I’m in that place again. That place where I can’t think straight or gather my thoughts for long enough to write them down. My head has been clouded over by my Someone New and I’m going to be honest with you, I’m absolutely loving every moment of it.

Naughty with just the right amount of nice, he has awoken every sense in me. We haven’t stopped talking. We’ve moved onto actual voice to voice contact now. We spent most of last night on the phone, him building furniture for his new house and me daydreaming, getting lost in the sound of his voice. I think we may be back here again ladies and gentlemen….

I think this might actually be something.

He told me I was too perfect for him and he was always trying to find the catch. I told him I was trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. I can’t help but think this might be a bad idea. It’s so soon after Jock isn’t it? Or is it? Surely I’ve grieved for him enough? It’s not like he had any respect for me at the end of our relationship. He was dating again before I’d even found out we had broken up!

I’m trying to be reserved with my feelings, I’m trying to hold back but I can’t. I don’t even think I want to. Irrespective of how long it lasts, or what may happen along the way, surely I’m overdue a few smiles and some fun times with someone that gives me butterflies? Is it really so wrong to get a little carried away, already nervous for the first night sleepover nerves that I’m pretty sure will happen? We’ve had a sneaky little insight into each other’s sexual minds even though we haven’t even met yet (and he’s trying to be every inch the perfect gentleman), and from what I’ve seen so far, I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page. He told me he liked texture and wanted to start with silk scarves and feathers. I’m sure you’re already aware of my sexual association with the texture of various materials – rope, velvet, glass, metal, silk, feathers….

Its like he’s saying all the things I want him to say. He’s giving me just the right amount of sex to keep me interested, but not so much that I’m thinking it’s too soon, kinda gross, and overwhelming.

We send each other cute selfies throughout the day and there’s not one thing about him I can say I don’t like. His selfies make me smile and not just a little smile, a big, beaming, cheesy grin that spreads right across my face. He told me I was beautiful and he liked my dimples. And then he said one sentence that flashed a great big warning across my daydreams:

“A guy who, from how things are so far, wants to be your guy”

We’ve been talking less than a week. Admittedly it’s been almost every minute of every day so far, and neither of us can wait for the other to text back. I’ve noticed that my ticks are blue right away whenever I send him a message. He’s actually sat with the screen open, waiting for me to text back. Do you have any idea how good that feels? Especially after how difficult the communication became with Jock towards the end. This Someone New loves to talk with great long messages, and it’s surprisingly refreshing.

A Guy Who Wants to Be Your Guy.

Fuck. Here we go again. I know I get attached a lot… and quickly. But seriously, you know when you just know you’re going to really like this person? That’s how I feel right now. I really like this person. His personality is so beautiful, his sense of humour so funny, his heart so big, it shines through in his cute little texts, rambling phone calls and silly little selfies. His positivity is infectious, I’m infected! I’m sat smiling as I write this and just between you and I, when I went to bed last night and fantasised about what it would be like to be in bed with him, I had a really great time! 😉

Do you know what’s really interesting? I said pretty much the same exact things about Jock just a couple of days after chatting to him and I was right about him – he was going to be trouble for me, he did make me fall helplessly in love with him, and he did break my heart.

Jock gives me butterflies. I find myself looking for his texts. We’ve been talking for two days. This is bad. Very bad.

He’s getting hotter and hotter. Seriously, he’s just ticking all of my boxes.

Actually, now I’ve looked a little closer, I didn’t feel the same about him. I couldn’t wait to get Jock into bed and it’s not the same with my Someone New. I should really find a name for him soon.

With him, I’m not in a rush to get him into bed although I’m sure we are going to have NO problems when we get there. I’m so excited to just meet him, hang out with him, be in his company. Is that weird? I genuinely just want to be around him. We’ve done the phone call now and his voice was just… mesmerising. I have a big thing about voices, don’t I?

He told me he’d get really nervous about meeting me for the first time and he’ll probably just go blank and not be able to get words out. I suggested a Skype call before we actually meet. What a great idea, right? I’ll obviously do my hair and makeup beforehand. I don’t want him to see me looking a right skank. But we’ll have a Skype first date because then it would be face to face and he wouldn’t have to worry about clamming up when we do meet. Perfection.

Oh he told me something else too. When I’d told him I was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, he told me there was something. After a bit of back and forth, him being too nervous and me telling him he had nothing to worry about, he eventually told me. His penis has a bend in it and one of the girls he had tried to date had felt it, laughed and just left. He was self-conscious about it, I couldn’t help but giggle at him. I thought about telling him about my scars. But then I realised, I don’t need to tell him. They have faded a lot now and I don’t notice them quite so much. Maybe he won’t notice them? And if he does, we’ll have that conversation then. What’s the point in making a big deal about it if I don’t need to?

All of a sudden, life doesn’t feel quite so shit. It doesn’t feel like I’m going over a breakup. In actual fact, it hasn’t felt like that for a while. I’m excited, thinking positive, looking forward. Maybe it is too soon? Maybe I’m not really over Jock yet. Maybe my Someone New isn’t as great as I’ve made him out to be. Who cares? It’s gonna be fun finding out, right? 😉

Someone New.

Someone New.I’ve started talking to someone new. I really quite like him thus far so you know there’s going to be something wrong with him, or he’ll just stop talking to me for what seems to be no good reason at all like so many of the rest have done.

I need to think of a good name for him. Maybe I’ll come to that later. He’s a few inches taller than me (tick), runs a bike accessories shop and has a bike (tick), he’s agreed to give my Papa discount for new bike stuff as apparently they’ve met before (#awkward and tick), is the chattiest man I’ve ever met (slightly annoying but tick), has the best sense of humour (double tick), and is actually super-cute from the pictures I’ve seen so far (massive tick!)

He’s got lovely teeth and a beautiful smile. Plus he’s got plugs, rides a bike and has the cutest eyes I’ve ever seen. And he mocks me. And he calls me Smurf. And I love it.

We’ve been talking for a few days but today, we exchanged phone numbers and since then we have chatted non-stop. He has similar bowel problems to me so he understands the procedures and my issues. Plus he’s been seriously fucked over in similar ways by his exes, as I have by mine.

The conversation flows, it’s easy, it’s nice. He’s pretty shy I think. I laugh a lot when we are talking. We haven’t even met yet and he’s got me giggling like a naughty little school girl. I like this part of things where there’s every chance he might still fuck off so I’m enjoying it while I still can, but at the same time my poor little head gets carried away by all the crazy coincidences and the little things we seem to have in common.

I like him though. I like him like I liked Jock when we first started talking. This isn’t an I-want-to-get-him-into-bed thing like it was with Mr. T. I didn’t stand a chance with Mr. Aries or Mr. Taurus. I get the impression they weren’t really looking for someone like me anyway. But with Jock, I had butterflies. With this guy, I get butterflies. When my phone pings, I rush to it. I can’t not respond. I can’t not read what he has to say. We bounce off each other. He responds to things in a way I don’t expect, and I know I’m doing the same right back to him. This guy… he could be looking for a girl like me. He loves my piercings. He loves my tattoos. He loves my crazy hair. He loves my sense of style. He loves my attitude. He loves my banter. He keeps telling me I’m too good to be true. I guess the same could be said for him.

He stays up late to talk to me, he’s told me really personal things too. We seem to have created this weird bond – two people that have never met face to face but after less than a week, we’re already opening up to each other in a way that I don’t think I’ve done before with a guy I’ve never met… It’s weird but I don’t dislike it. I fancy him, I have great banter with him, why not? What have I got to lose?

I kinda hope he doesn’t fuck off. I kinda hope I’m giving him the same butterflies that he’s giving me. Don’t you love it at this stage where you can get carried away with your own thoughts?


Strange Dream About You Last Night… Meet Number 14

I hate being single. I hate being single and skinny. You see all those guys from my past that ‘loved’ me when I was fat? Well, they seem to love me a whole load more now I’m skinny… skinny and single.

On the last day of 2014 I put a post up on my Facebook wishing everyone the best for 2015, and saying good riddance to the shitty year that was coming to an end. I briefly mentioned getting my heart broken again and having my cancer scare and it appears this may have been my biggest mistake. At least five of the guys from my past have popped back into my life.

“Strange dream about you last night, nothing sexual (a kiss) but you had a baby strapped to your chest?!?!?! Lol! How are you? x”

That’s what I woke up to from Number 14 – The Postman. I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. It started when I was with Number 4, about ten years ago. His mother worked with The Postman and at her birthday party, we first met. He was wearing a black fishnet top, had spiky red hair, and rocked a lip piercing. He was a skinny little thing but he really reminded me of Matt Bellamy from Muse and at the time, I had a massive crush on him! Plus The Postman was a guitarist in a band. I was obsessed.

I may have been in a relationship but that didn’t stop me embarking in a cheeky number-swap and some mild text flirtation and of course, we got caught. Number 4 was furious and ordered that I remove The Postman from my life, which I did.

A few years later in a bar I worked in, we bumped into each other again. I was now single. He told me he was single. We went on a few dates and before long, we were together. It wasn’t a great relationship and it lasted about eight months. Perhaps not even that long. He stood me up a lot. He never turned up when he said he was going to and he kept me at arm’s length at all times. I played no part in his life and he played very little in mine. I later found out that his behaviour was down to the fact he was not only in a relationship with another girl and had been the entire time, but he was engaged to her and they lived together. He was also bisexual and had been sleeping with guys too. Well, that’s what she told me anyway. She came to mine one afternoon after revealing all to me via email and we told each other EVERYTHING. It was brutal but good for both of us… except they got back together for a while.

Before this had happened, I turned into a total bunny boiler. My Bestie left him a voicemail threatening to break his legs if he dared stand me up again and guess what, he did that very same night. I lost it and called him over and over, every call getting ignored. It was over. It probably already was for him for a while but for me, right there, it was OVER!

He had a bunch of stuff at mine including a phone charger, work uniform, passport, etc. I burned some of it and as pathetic as that was, I was 18/19 years old and it felt really good. He needed the passport for a stag weekend abroad and I told him he could come and get it. He didn’t… He was probably worried that my Bestie would break his legs and at the end, I left his stuff outside my house and I’m pretty sure the bin men later took it. I told him it was there. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. He left it there. Not my problem.

I don’t remember much from our relationship but I do remember one night that he took me away for a naughty night in a hotel. I did the same for him on Valentine’s Day except the hotel wasn’t quite as nice. I did have rose petals all over the bed, and glasses plus wine ready and waiting though. Complete it all with some naughty underwear and we had the perfect recipe for a great night! 😉

Strange Dream About You Last Night… Meet Number 14

He wasn’t a core-shaker though, you know? He wasn’t a big love story. He wasn’t a great, passionate romance. He was a brief relationship that we both knew was wrong from the start but we did it anyway. He was too hot for me not to have gone there, and there was sexual chemistry between us from the very first moment we met. Everyone saw that, including my actual boyfriend’s mother who also warned me away from my new obsession.

I wonder why he’s messaging me. I know why he’s messaging me, who am I kidding. The second I got that message from him, I screenshotted it and sent it over to my Bestie – “What’s the betting he has split up from his wife?

Guess what The Postman then messaged me…

“Yeah I’m not too bad. Split with the wife but doing well. You better now? Saw you’ve been ill recently.”

I fucking knew it! There was only one way this conversation was going to go and I knew it!!! He’s now single, he know’s I’m now single too! What a predictable fucking cunt!

“It’s fine. She had an affair, so she did me a favour, the dirty skank. Lol.”

What a fucking hypocrite he is. He had a fucking affair with me didn’t he? All those years ago? Why would he even say that to me? That’s exactly what he did to me. Doesn’t he think I still remember that? What an asshole. I didn’t say anything, of course. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t really want him in my life at all. “Sorry to hear that” was about all I could muster and I haven’t responded since. I don’t want to. What an asshole. What does he think he’s going to achieve by messaging me? Does he think we’re going to meet up and have great sex for a couple of nights before meeting new people and moving on, possibly considering each other as future booty calls? I don’t think so. You weren’t great enough for me to remember back then so I doubt you’ll be any more spectacular now. Plus you’ve got kids now, and you’re heartbroken. You are damaged goods as far as I’m concerned. I’d rather not start any kind of anything with two kids under the age of four in tow.

You know, as sorry as I was to hear of the breakdown of his marriage, part of me can’t help but agree that Karma has done a great job in making sure he got what was quite rightly coming to him. The way he treated me when we were together was awful and although it wasn’t a big part of my life and I don’t really class him as one of my great loves, his behaviour still had an impact on me. I went a little crazy during the breakup. I go a little crazy in all breakups but that’s not the point. I actually burned some of his stuff in the bathroom. That’s how nuts I went.

Strange Dream About You Last Night… Meet Number 14_01

So yeah, that’s the story of Number 14 – The Postman. I’m not really sure how I feel about him making a reappearance into my life. I’ll just ignore him and with any luck, he’ll just go away.

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21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

1. Is my eyeliner the same on both eyes? I’m sure the flick on the left eye is bigger…?

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

2. My jeans feel tighter. Crap… Have I put on weight? Where are my scales?

3. Why won’t my hair grow faster?

4. I wonder if I’d look good with my lip pierced again…?

5. Why can’t I have long, beautiful hair like THAT girl. (*Normally accompanied by creeper-style staring)

6. I shouldn’t have a Gregg’s chicken bake for lunch.

7. I really wish I hadn’t eaten that Gregg’s chicken bake AND a sausage roll for lunch.

8. I really want a bulldog puppy.

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

9. I should probably tidy my room up. I live like a skank. I’ll do it later.

10. Oh crap! If I’m wearing a skirt later, I’ll need to shave my legs. Do I even have razors? Should I buy more? How much money do I have left in the bank?

11. My boob feels funny. Do I have cancer? (*Normally in the shower when doing boob-checks)

12. Nope, false alarm. It was a biscuit crumb, not a cancerous lump. I’ll just wash that down the drain and pretend that didn’t happen.

13. People really piss me off.

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

14. Honestly… How many times do I need to explain the same thing to someone over and over again whilst they still don’t understand it before I can finally accept there is no helping some people and just walk away?

15. Do I want a baby?

16. Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

17. Why can’t I manage my money like the sensible people do?

18. Oh. I still can’t afford a new pair of Christian Louboutin’s today 😦

19. My life should be so much better than what it is right now.

20. Another baby announcement on Facebook… Why haven’t I had a baby yet?

21. Maybe I should dye my hair pink today?

21 Things That Go Through My 20-Something Head Daily

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