I’m not going to lie to you, Christmas Day was pretty fucking tough. Because I’ve been sick recently, I’ve not managed to get out much so I’ve not bought any one’s Christmas presents. Avoiding the situation completely, I told everyone that I hadn’t managed to get everything ready in time and I didn’t want to see them. I think my sister was pretty upset but honestly, I’m the Grinch that stole Christmas right now and I hardly think its fair to inflict my misery on them.
The Bestie wants the Apple Watch when it comes out and that’s not until March so he knew he was going to need to wait for his Christmas present anyway. I had intended to get him a bottle of his favourite cologne but over the last few months, I had been putting money on a shopper’s card I had. That shopper’s card couldn’t be used for online purchases so because I didn’t get out the house, I didn’t get him anything. Today was awful. I felt like a total let down. I’ve been so poor and so ill, I just haven’t managed to get my shit together. Ugh, it’s been a really tough few weeks. The only gifts I had managed to buy were Jock’s. They are still in that little box hidden in the back of my closet. I can’t bring myself to do anything with them. I don’t even want to look at them.
I really missed him. I thought he might have text me a little ‘Happy Christmas’ message but I didn’t hear from him at all. It just drummed home again just how little I meant to him. I haven’t stalked him anymore. I can’t do that to myself. He just needs to disappear now. My heart hurts so much when I think about him. I got my period too. For Christmas I got my period. Nice.
Last Christmas I was so happy. He gave me those handmade shoes that I still don’t know what to do with. He got me the art print that is still hanging on my wall. We were so happy. I just miss him. That’s all. I just need to have a little cry. I miss his smell. I miss his hands. I miss his cheeky little smile. I miss my goofy smile around him. I miss the way he kissed my neck and made my knees weak. I miss the way he used to look at me right before he kissed me. I miss the way he used to dance around with his junk hanging out like he was the hottest guy in the universe. I knew it was probably all bullshit but it wasn’t bullshit to me. It felt pretty real to me.
Over the years my breakups seem to be turning out the same way as my hangovers – getting longer, becoming more and more painful, and taking a fucking age to get over. Is all that good stuff really worth the way I’m feeling right now? I’m crying. I have actual tears splashing on my laptop as I write this. My heart feels shattered. My heart actually drops when something reminds me of him. Like the Ed Sheeran song – Thing Out Loud that is playing on EVERY fucking TV ad I see. He sent me that song months and months ago before it became a bit hit, before the album was even released. He sent me that song and told me that’s how he felt about me. Plus there was Paolo Nutini – Better Man too. Every time I hear those songs, it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut.
I know it’s just a shit couple of days. I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas anyway, My parents broke up at Christmas time but before that, all I ever remembered was them fighting anyway. I normally just work all through it like when I was in the War Zone, on the other side of the world, and even when I was the Hubby. I much prefer to work through it. Who needs to be festive anyway?
So yeah, just another shit couple of days. I can’t wait for 2014 to be over. It started with so much promise yet still managed to end so crappily. Maybe 2015 I can just have a good year? Just one year where it doesn’t look like I have cancer or I get my heart broken again. A year where my writing career will finally take off and I won’t be living pay check to pay check every month. A year where I finally become a grown up. That would be nice.