Because I Can’t Stop Punishing Myself.

I stalked him. I don’t know why I did that. He has one new friend on Facebook. She’s heavily tattooed and pierced like me. I guess he’s moved on. Or maybe she’s just an old friend. Or maybe I shouldn’t care. I do though.

I was helping my Grandfather sort some stuff out on his Facebook and thought I’d have a little look while I was there. He’s blocked on mine. I don’t know why I typed his name into the search bar. I knew it would hurt me. He’s moving on already. She’s exactly the kind of girl he’d go for. I wouldn’t imagine he’s the kinda of guy she would go for, but he probably doesn’t realise that. I literally meant that little to him that’s he’s moving on already. He’s ALWAYS online on POF. Well he was the last time I was on there. To be honest, I’ve not been on there for a while. I guess some part of me hoped that he wouldn’t find someone else, that he would come running back to me with his tail between his legs, that someone else wouldn’t have the love and respect for him that I did. I don’t think it’ll happen now. He has too much pride and he just didn’t care that much about me. He couldn’t muster up the strength for the great romantic gesture and the fireworks while we were together. I definitely don’t expect it now that we aren’t. It would have been nice for him to have tried though…. you know?

I can’t help but feel a little hard-done-by; like I’ve been handed the short straw. He fucked this up quite spectacularly and yet I’m the one that’s suffering. Well, hardly suffering. I’m definitely doing a lot better now than I was a few weeks ago. It’s not so raw now, and it doesn’t ache quite so much. I still can’t quite believe it’s over though. Maybe I’m just still in denial?

I guess I just feel a little deflated really. It’s kinda of hard not to feel like that when all your hopes and dreams are washed away from under you without even realising it was coming. He bashed into my life with a bang and he left in the same way too – out of nowhere, unexpected, and life-changing. I guess my work colleague was right though – he was the one to make me change my mind about babies. It’s a shame he’s not going to be the guy I end up having them with.

Everything happens for a reason though, right? Perhaps he was the guy that changed my mind about starting a family so that the next Mr. Right (rather than multiple Mr. Wrong’s) could just come along, sweep me off my feet, put the rock on my finger and baby me up? Maybe that’s what she meant, my work colleague? She never said he’d be the guy I had them with – she just ‘sensed’ that he’d be the one to change my mind…

It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Mr. Right coming along next and kissing all my pain away. It’s a shame it’s probably not going to happen. No doubt there will be a number of failed relationships left for me before I find my happy ending. Sigh. Still at least it’ll be material for the blog.

Notice how I no longer say his name through. He’s nothing more than an ex to me now.

4 thoughts on “Because I Can’t Stop Punishing Myself.

  1. Your Mr Right could be around the corner, or still a little while away. Doesn’t change the fact that when he does arrive you’ll realise that everything you went through prior was worth it!

  2. Well, ehum – I am 70, and have had my best sex-life after 60… And of course, getting all these teen-age love problems again – felt a little silly. (Yes, I am hitting on grannies, not young girls.) My
    GF, also 70, had been married (so-so happily) to the same guy for 40 years, the last 10 nursing him after a stroke that put him in a wheelchair. After he died, she started online dating and had a couple of bad apples from the bottom of the barrel. So now she seems to look upon me as some kind of cupid incarnate.. 🙂 So the game isn’t over ’til its over. But I can hear the count-down timer ticking… No time to lose!

    The best advice I can give is to avoid getting too dependent on other persons – create a life of your own, with studies, challenging work and hobbies that make you grow. If you have a firm and solid base to stand on, you would be able to cool it and look for those guys faults, instead of idealising them and building a sort of fantasy castle of happiness in the air around him. Some young guys could be trained to become good guys, but some just haven’t got any good stuff in them to develop. Try to keep cool, or if it is too difficult, think about a fling as a fling, and hold back a little on the deeper emotions. And for goodness sake, don.t make a baby with Mr. No-Good! It wouldn’t be fair to the kid! Now, go out and look them over!

  3. Love the comment above mine! I feel like he older I get, the less I feel that urgency of ‘running out of time’ – event though common sense dictates I should feel it more. I remember once taking out a savings plan that matured when I was 35. Part of me thought, ‘heck, my life will be over then, what the hell am I going to spend that money on. Now that 35 is 15 years behind me, it seems like no age. 50 (in 2 weeks) feels like no age.

    I have my ‘happy ending’ (but really, it isn’t an end, it is a beginning). I am single and I love my life like I never have before – I’ve finally (as a result of the abusive ex) learned to love myself, properly and genuinely. I don’t *need* anyone else any more, and until now I had never felt that.

    You are on the first step of a journey that will last a lifetime. I still get the urge to spy on the ex, but I tell myself every time that the urge isn’t about him (cos he’s an utter knob), it’s about me – me seeking validation from outside myself. So what am I really thinking? What have I een saying to myself that is unloving and harsh (it’s always about that really – that thought of ‘I’m not sure I am an ok person – let’s look for proof to to see if I am/am not’).

    I don’t need to wish you luck. I know it’s coming. xx

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