I stalked him. I don’t know why I did that. He has one new friend on Facebook. She’s heavily tattooed and pierced like me. I guess he’s moved on. Or maybe she’s just an old friend. Or maybe I shouldn’t care. I do though.
I was helping my Grandfather sort some stuff out on his Facebook and thought I’d have a little look while I was there. He’s blocked on mine. I don’t know why I typed his name into the search bar. I knew it would hurt me. He’s moving on already. She’s exactly the kind of girl he’d go for. I wouldn’t imagine he’s the kinda of guy she would go for, but he probably doesn’t realise that. I literally meant that little to him that’s he’s moving on already. He’s ALWAYS online on POF. Well he was the last time I was on there. To be honest, I’ve not been on there for a while. I guess some part of me hoped that he wouldn’t find someone else, that he would come running back to me with his tail between his legs, that someone else wouldn’t have the love and respect for him that I did. I don’t think it’ll happen now. He has too much pride and he just didn’t care that much about me. He couldn’t muster up the strength for the great romantic gesture and the fireworks while we were together. I definitely don’t expect it now that we aren’t. It would have been nice for him to have tried though…. you know?
I can’t help but feel a little hard-done-by; like I’ve been handed the short straw. He fucked this up quite spectacularly and yet I’m the one that’s suffering. Well, hardly suffering. I’m definitely doing a lot better now than I was a few weeks ago. It’s not so raw now, and it doesn’t ache quite so much. I still can’t quite believe it’s over though. Maybe I’m just still in denial?
I guess I just feel a little deflated really. It’s kinda of hard not to feel like that when all your hopes and dreams are washed away from under you without even realising it was coming. He bashed into my life with a bang and he left in the same way too – out of nowhere, unexpected, and life-changing. I guess my work colleague was right though – he was the one to make me change my mind about babies. It’s a shame he’s not going to be the guy I end up having them with.
Everything happens for a reason though, right? Perhaps he was the guy that changed my mind about starting a family so that the next Mr. Right (rather than multiple Mr. Wrong’s) could just come along, sweep me off my feet, put the rock on my finger and baby me up? Maybe that’s what she meant, my work colleague? She never said he’d be the guy I had them with – she just ‘sensed’ that he’d be the one to change my mind…
It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Mr. Right coming along next and kissing all my pain away. It’s a shame it’s probably not going to happen. No doubt there will be a number of failed relationships left for me before I find my happy ending. Sigh. Still at least it’ll be material for the blog.
Notice how I no longer say his name through. He’s nothing more than an ex to me now.