Every now and then he sneaks into my thoughts, you know? I’ve been trying to keep myself super busy recently. I’ve taken on loads of writing work. I’m actually finishing stuff too. I’ve downloaded some new games and I’ve geeked out for hours. My ‘urgent’ within two week referral is booked for the 26th February and I’m off work again for ANOTHER month. Christ this shit is simply never-ending. I have far too much time on my hands.
I’m doing OK. I’m not crying or being sad. It’s tough though. Really tough. Mundane crap just reminds me of him all the time. That fucker really did break my heart. I keep having this little day dream that he comes back into my life somehow, admitting he’s made a huge mistake. I never know how the dream ends. I realise I’m thinking about him and I snap myself out of it.
Bestie and I were watching shooting stars at 3am one morning in the back yard, hot water bottles shoved up the front of our jumpers, huddling together like dumb penguins staring up at the sky. God knows what the neighbours thought. A huge shooting star leapt across the sky right in front of both of us and I almost cried. A huge gulp got stuck in the back of my throat and I had this searing pain across my heart. Like an actual pain! It reminded me so much of when Jock and I went star-chasing, fairly early on in the relationship. Sat in the middle of this massive field, staring up at the sky in the middle of the night. It was pitch black. Just the stars above us and each other’s arms to keep warm. We fucked in the back of his car that night. It was amazing.
I just read it. And it made my heart hurt. And a little tear or two came out. I shouldn’t have read it. Why did I do that? So dumb. That was before we’d even said, “I love you.” I love this blog so much but at the same time, going back and reading about times I was much happier with a man I now cant allow myself to think about is gut-wrenching, and stupid.
I really fell for him too fast and too hard. I jumped right into it with both feet. Looking back now, I was trying to play it so cautiously, I don’t even know what happened. One minute I still had him at arm’s length and we were sailing along just fine and the next, we were fucked. I have no idea how that happened.
I knew he was going to pop into my mind sometimes. I just didn’t realise it was going to be all the time. I’m still getting those daily reminders of him. Every day something happens. I’ve learned not to take them as ‘signs’ now, but it doesn’t stop the mind from drifting. I put the bears we had won at the fair in the bag for charity. The little robot stuff toy that he tried to win for me, failed, and eventually I ended up winning for myself, the second one he tried to win for me and failed… I got ANOTHER letter from his new job asking me to be a reference. That’s the second one now. The last conversation we had, he told me he was going to change that so I wouldn’t be contacted again. Why hasn’t he just done it? Why are they still contacting me?
It’s really difficult to get over someone when the universe doesn’t want you to. I’m getting there though. Slowly but surely, the days are getting easier. I’m not ready to move on yet, but I’m no longer in the manic-depressive crying phase. That’s got to be a good sign, right?