I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know if the therapy worked or if I’ve just turned a corner but it’s been like three days and I haven’t cried. I haven’t thought about him. I haven’t charged my other phone up to see if he has been online on WhatsApp or POF. It’s like something clicked. I’m not going to be sad anymore. And I’m not sad. It’s like there was an on/off button and someone has switched it off. He’s not in my head every second of every day, and I’m not looking for him. I’m not hoping he’ll message me. Who turned it off? Did I do that? Or this is just a temporary blip?
I’m talking to a new guy – Mr. Graphic Designer. He’s kinda cute. I’m not looking for anything. My profile was hidden but I viewed him so he viewed me and liked what he saw. We’ve been chatting for a couple of days and I kinda like talking to him. He’s got a 12 year old kid which I’m trying to pretend won’t be an issue for me, and as the name suggests, he’s a graphic designer with his own business and from what I can make out, his own home. A little something fancy to enjoy for a while perhaps? He hasn’t run away from the marriage thing like Mr. Aries did. He’s been married before too. Like I said, I’m not reading anything into it. Every guy I’ve been excited about recently has let me down so I shan’t hold my breath.
I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I’m accepting now. It’s over. It’s fine that it’s over. When you think about it, we’ve not really been together for about three months now anyway. Maybe even longer than that? Who know’s how long he was on POF for before I found out? Bestie seems to think he may have been over me for a long time and he was probably doing the dirty. I’ve only seen him once or twice in the last three months. We haven’t been ‘in a relationship’ for a long time. We’ve not been Facebook friends for a long time. I’ve been grieving for this relationship for the last three months with the exception of a couple of days here and there when it looked as if we may have hope. I reckon I’m done here. It’s definitely more than he deserved.
It’s his birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 37. Last night, one of his friends changed his profile picture to the one I took of him and Jock at the Summer Ball. You know the one – he completely abandoned me with a bunch of people I’d never met before in my life. It was like a razor blade to the heart and I’m almost one hundred percent sure it stopped beating for a few seconds, but I was fine. I blocked him. And his wife. And later on I plan to go through my entire friends list and cull anything and everything that reminds me of him. I’m doing just fine without him.
I’m having a mini dilemma over his mother and his brother though… They are lovely people and I talk to them every now and again. I’ve never met them. I should probably just delete them too, shouldn’t I? I don’t want to…. But I don’t want him in my life in any way shape or form. I’m never going to forgive him for the way he treated me throughout the scariest time of my life. Oh and by the way, it’s day 17. No biopsy results. They said 10-14 days. Fuck my life, it’s just one thing after another isn’t it?
But I’m doing OK. I’m not breaking down. I’m not moping around. I’ve spent the last couple of days writing and earning some money, trying to get myself out of the financial slump I’ve found myself in, and making my websites profitable. I think it’s working. Slowly but surely. We’re getting back on track…. Maybe! 🙂