Therapy Is In Session.

I was rambling on as usual, moaning about the latest gut-wrenching, manic-depressive breakup when Karen once again gave me some good advice. Firstly, I was to note down the character traits I’m most attracted to in a man. Then I was to read her second comment…. which I haven’t read yet! I promise!

The blog post that prompted this was Couldn’t Just Keep My Mouth Shut. And this is what she said:

Therapy Is In Session

So… What am I attracted to in a man?

I like a guy with a good sense of humour. If he can make me laugh, he’s won half the battle. He needs to be happy-go-lucky and not take life too seriously. Obviously I need to be physically attracted to the guy too but it’s not like I have a type. Big Love was tall, dark and from the other side of the world with a cleft lip. Over six foot tall with a decent body (then – he’s a bodybuilder or something now and I’m not sure if I’m that attracted to him), I started to think my type was the tall, dark handsome one but I don’t think that’s the case.

The Hubby was half white, half brown, with gorgeous eyes and a great body. Not too toned, with just the right amount of belly jiggle, the moment I saw him, I wanted him. He wasn’t that tall though, or so I remember.

Jock was short, fat, grey and wrinkly. I don’t want to say anything else about him.

In short, looks-wise, I don’t really have a type. I am a fan of tattoos though. I don’t think I want to date a guy without them.

I’m always attracted to guys that are really cocky and arrogant. I used to think I was attracted to confidence but I’ve learnt throughout the years that it’s not confidence; it’s arrogance and there’s a MASSIVE difference. I’ve regularly discovered that this overwhelming arrogance usually masks some kind of insecurity, which I also seem to find particularly attractive – I’m always drawn to the guys that are a bit of a loner, a bit of a loser, and don’t have much luck.

The Fireman for example, was a bit of a loner. He never had that many friends when we dated even though he was pretty fit and a decent-ish guy most of the time, and Big Love was the same. Although he didn’t have any friends because he was a compulsive liar and no one believed anything that came out of his mouth. Even his own best friend said that to me. Nobody trusted him because through the whole bankruptcy thing, he stole money from people and generally had a bad time of things. The Hubby didn’t have many friends back then either, mostly because he used to beat the shit out of me and treat me badly – the other guys didn’t like that. All of these guys seem to lack social skills either because they have no brain-to-mouth filter, or because they were so arrogant, they didn’t give a shit what people thought.

I’m attracted to guys that are older to me, that can give me what I think is security. I think that’s half the problem to be honest – one absent father plus one sometimes-there stepfather. I think I’m always looking for that guy that will give me the happy ending – the one my mother doesn’t seem to be able to find. With my absent father out the way, and the marriage to my stepfather failed, she’s now with a guy that went to actual prison last year and she won’t ever leave him. I think she’s just too scared to be on her own. Perhaps she’s scared she won’t find anyone else at her age? Either way, she can do so much better but that’s probably most of us… Right? Maybe she just loves him?

I’m attracted to the guys that need a hand – the ones that don’t seem to be able to run their own lives. Not down-and-out’s by any means, but definitely in need of a good sorting out. Big Love went bankrupt and had an ex-wife, a long-lost child and a drug habit to pay for. The Hubby is in the same boat now – he now pays for a child that he probably doesn’t see. Jock was a fucking nightmare with money and had no control over his own life but in his words, that’s because his priorities were different to everyone else’s. He’d rather pay money out to have a good time and treat his daughter (or spend time with me) than pay bills. That’s what he used to say anyway. There was One Ball with the debt relief payment plan and five kids. Plus The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of with his many problems, financial being the very tip of the iceberg.

Gosh my love life is just one disaster zone after another. What a mess.

In every relationship, the same pattern happens – they are obsessed with me, addicted to me, can’t wait to have me for their very own forever and always. They worship the ground I walk on and say nice things to me. We swim along nicely for a few months, sometimes even years, then the real “us” comes out – I turn into a crabby, shitty bitch with a short fuse and no care for what harsh words come out of my mouth, and they fall apart going back to the drugs, ex, money issues that they had before I tried to “fix” them. It’s almost as if the power changes hands completely – I go from being completely in control, having all the power, coming up with all the rules and then at some point it all switches; they no longer need me, it all turns to shit, they are getting on with their lives and I’m the one crying, feeling like absolute shit.

So there you go – that’s what kind of guy I’m attracted to.

Now for part two of the comment…

Therapy Is In Session

OK…. So that was really fucking weird. And I pinkie promise I never read that second comment until after I had written this! Essentially, I’ve just answered my own question.

I’m looking for my father. He abandoned my mother in the same way that Jock abandoned me, the Hubby abandoned me, Big Love abandoned me. He didn’t care for his child in EXACTLY the same way as Big Love and the Hubby. He was hopeless with money like they were and by all accounts, still is. He was a very heavy drinker and again, by all accounts he still is. There were reports of cheating just like most of the guys I’ve dated, and even an overbearing mother (my real father’s mother – my Nan) just like the Hubby…

My mother has told me on many occasions that his cockiness was part of the reason she fell for him so fast, and fall fast they did too! They slept together on the first night they met (slut) and were only dating a month or so before she fell pregnant with me. It was all love and kisses, and judging from some of the photos I’ve seen, he may even have put a rock on her finger. He just couldn’t follow through…. Just like most of the men I’ve dated. He literally packed up his stuff to go ‘on ship’ and never came back again. She doesn’t know why he left even though they were still sending letters to each other for a couple of years after. I know because I’ve read them. No one knows why he left. It’s like a big mystery to everyone and even when I had the chance to talk to him and ask him myself, he didn’t ‘want to go into it’. He didn’t want to ‘bring up old feelings’. That’s why I haven’t spoken to him since. I think we’ve chatted once on the phone, possibly twice but that’s it. He left when I was six months old and I’ve never seen him since. I’ve given up hope. It’s his loss.

Is that the answer to the riddle? Has that been the answer to the riddle this whole time? Am I just looking for my father? Do I just keep finding my father? Now what do I do….? If I’ve diagnosed my own problem, what is the treatment? Is there a treatment for that Peptide Addiction?

Karen – you seem to have all the answers. What was your treatment?

Oh and thanks again for being my therapist. Honestly, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! xo

Therapy Is In Session.

2 thoughts on “Therapy Is In Session.

  1. It’s spooky, isn’t it?! I remember my utter shock when I realised I’d described my brother to a T. Ok, bad news first – there is no quick fix. But you probably knew that. Also, I have been ‘working’ on myself since I was about your age, so I am pretty used to doing CBT on myself – if you aren’t, then it may be an idea to book some sessions via your GP – you can access them via the IAPT scheme still I think – if you mention the ‘Improved Access to Psychological Therapies’ scheme, it should magically get you a pretty quick triage over the phone. They decide if you are seen for a short course of sessions where you learn to CBT yourself (basically), or for more ongoing treatments. I would imagine the first should be plenty. The CBT is basically to learn how to not self-sabotage – they give you loads of techniques to be able to listen to your thoughts, reply to yourself and then change your behaviour as a result. There is a fallacy that CBT isn’t about your past – a good CB therapist will talk about the origins of your feelings too. It is in things like phobias that they stay very focussed initially on the present.

    But the CBT isn’t enough to tackle the feelings (or I didn’t find it was). I’ve been doing craniosacral therapy since 1995, and as part of that training (and ongoing keeping well) have had a lot of it myself – but any kind of bodywork will do – you basically want a talking therapy combined with a body therapy. I recently did Melanie Tonya Evans’ NARP (Narcissist Abuse Recovery Programme) – and I felt that if you don’t have access to any other bodywork then this would do the trick to. It’s all about accessing the less conscious parts of you and learning to re-parent yourself. Melanie’s website has loads of free stuff to read too. She believes that our experiences, that hurt us so much that we are forced to want to do anything to stop the pain, are blessings that reveal our inner wounds to us, so that we can truly heal. But that it is something that goes on forever.

    Another excellent website (where I started when I was beginning No Contact with the ex) is Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue. Her entire journey is charted there, as she sorted out her own baggage after a series of horrendous relationships. She now advises others on things like No Contact. Again, she has books, but she gives all the info for free on her site anyway.

    So I’m still healing, 3 years out of the relationship and a year since the stalking ended totally. I feel no pull to ‘bad boys’ any more. I feel no pull to men at all, to be fair, but I am having the time of my life being single and loving it. I see this as maybe a stage I am going through – I don’t want to compromise my new-found independence. The freedom of not needing validation from anyone else is a new thing, and I’m not ready to ‘answer to’ anyone yet. Apparently this is not forever, but can’t say I care if it is!

    I’m afraid I don’t have a definitive answer (sorry), we all find our own way – and all the free website info is a really good place to start. It’s a voyage of self-discovery, and the things you find about yourself and your family dynamics can be every bit as surprising as any journey to a foreign land.

  2. Oh, and the Natalie Lue website may resonate a lot with you, as she had an absent father too – except for the times he would turn up, raise her hopes, then disappear again.

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