Couldn’t Just Keep My Mouth Shut.

I couldn’t just keep my mouth shut could I? Couldn’t have just left it at that. I had to keep going, keep ranting, keep sending text messages.

“You know, if you had even bothered to ask how my health was, I’d have done that reference for you. And if you’d have spent half the time communicating with me as you spend on POF, this would never have happened. You said you were always busy, tired, and never had time. It’s funny how you find time when its not for me. I’m not starting a fight and I don’t imagine you’ll even respond again, but you spent that entire conversation telling me how much of an asshole I was and how much I ruined it, and I don’t think that’s very fair. I put up with more than enough shit and didn’t complain about it. I was just gonna do that reference just like I was gonna pay your parking ticket, and I did sort out your job. But at the same time, it feels like I did enough for you and that wasn’t take into consideration when I had a couple of rough months and really needed support. I supported you through everything. When you thought you’d lost your license and your job, when you were skint, when you needed taking care of when you were sick. I just thought you’d have shown me the same support back rather than going behind my back and hopping straight into other women.”

An hour and nineteen minutes later when he STILL hadn’t responded to me, I saw red. I was furious. I sent another text because at this point, I’d pretty much lost my mind:

“Your silence says everything. Just so you know, I never did and I never would have given up on you. I still had faith even at the end. Thank you for a wonderful year and a half. This ending has been simply awful. I’ll leave you to it. Take care.”

It literally blows my mind how stupid I get about guys like this. I know he’s bad for me. I know this. I know he’s not supporting me, he’s not helping me, he’s bringing out the worst in me yet still I fucking care! What the hell is wrong with me? Why can I not let this guy go? What is it about him that I find so fucking amazing that I can’t cut all ties? I wish someone would just take control of my life. Just for a little while. Just so I don’t fuck up and make any more stupid decisions. Clearly I have the worst taste in men. Clearly I can’t learn when to just let go. For fucks sake, I’m 28 years old and I still don’t know how to live like a real adult.

So how do I do this? How do I get over him? Help me!

11 thoughts on “Couldn’t Just Keep My Mouth Shut.

  1. Haven’t entirely been in your situation, but I have been in something fairly similar. Long story short, was in love with a girl, thought she had feelings for me, she didn’t, screwed me over but expected me to be around yada yada yada. I cut her off with intent for forever, but a chance encounter later on down the lines and we’re close friends again but all that crap in the past is behind us. Moral of the story is, sever everything with Jock. Realising that if you have to prove your worth to someone is probably the best time to actually leave them (That was a quote I read somewhere, can’t remember where, but it’s incredibly true) Start of small with loving yourself, which should come first and foremost. Of course it’s perfectly ok to cry every now and then because you’re human and it’s ok to feel. Focus yourself with loving friends and family and cherish the little things that could compliment you. A relative saying it’s good to see you again, friends saying how good you look etc. Don’t focus on what could’ve been and any fuck ups. You didn’t have the hindsight back then so you can’t blame yourself. Focus on the now, and focus on you. Think about where you are, think about what you want, think about when you want it. Never focus on the if or if time is running out. As long as you’re still breathing nothing is ever too late. That being said, don’t focus on getting Jock back. He’s a cunt. Anything else which doesn’t involve you hurting yourself emotionally/physically is also gonna be frowned upon. Granted we’re anon and all that shit, so my frowning probably won’t phase you. But you’ll know. No biggest critic than oneself. So remind yourself why you’re here and your significance to your own world as well as loved ones. Fuck everyone else’s world, your world. Once that’s done, go out and stroll like a Goddess and everyone will lap it up and all the haters will regret their wrongdoing.

    I think I covered enough. It all starts with a smile, my dear.

      • You’ll get there my friend, I haz the faith. Apologies for any inconvenience caused by the spamming!

      • I was worried I was being overcommenty lately, which I most likely am. I’ll probably inevitably open my mouth on your next post so you can moan/be chuffed over that. Looking forward to reading about your eventual recovery anyway, treat yourself to some ice cream and some shopping therapy, Christmas is around the corner after all. It’s all about treating yourself, wishing you all the best!

  2. None of this is about him. It’s about *you*, and how this situation relates to your inner wounds – you are holding on so tight because the situation is pushing buttons from a long time ago. There was an exercise that really helped me start discovering what was up with me. A therapist once asked me to write down all the character traits and other things that most attracted me to a man. Go and do it before you read my next reply, cos then I’ll tell you what to do with it.

  3. Ok, hopefully you have your list, because reading this first could colour your reply.

    Re-read your list – is there anyone it reminds you of? It will usually be someone from your close family, or your childhood. So this is all about how we keep on trying to recreate a relationship we never could fix, in the hope that this time we can fix it. Mine was with my brother – he died so I never could fix him – and the year after he died I met the man who went on to abuse me for years. But it never was about Steve, it was about how he reactivated old stuff within me, and that was why, however badly he treated me, I had to hang on in there. Until I didn’t. The ‘peptide addiction’ doesn’t come from nowhere – it is from family dynamics from our earliest days.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s