Shit. I got a letter today. I just tore it open. It’s Jock’s new job. When I filled out the application form, I listed three references. Me, the Ex and the Redneck. That was only because I didn’t know of anyone else. What do I do?
Do I fill out the reference like the nice ex-girlfriend I really want him to see me as? I want him to come back. I miss him so.
Giving a bad reference is out the question. I’m not that fucking crazy.
Do I ignore it in the same way he ended our relationship?
Do I throw it in the garbage and pretend I never saw it? I did see it. It made me projectile vomit across the bathroom floor. My heart sunk as soon as I saw his name on the top of that letter and I didn’t even cry, I just ran to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it.
I thought about messaging him and asking him what he wanted me to do about it. But then I figured he’d ignored the last two messages I sent him so I probably wouldn’t even get a response. And then I’d just feel even more like shit, wouldn’t I? I got him this fucking job. He wouldn’t even be in this position if it weren’t for me. How could he firstly, not let me know how it went and secondly, not tell me he had actually got it? How could he do that to me? The fact that he’s going to be working only fifteen minutes away is crippling me. Wasn’t this the big start that we so desperately needed? Wasn’t this our big break? Now I’m vomiting when I see his name and he’s out looking for other women. I’ve given up on the whole dating thing. My profile is hidden again. I don’t want to be wooed. I can’t work out if I’m vetoing men because they really are that bad, or just because they aren’t all perfect identical little clones of Jock. Either way, I’m vetoing a lot of men. All of them.
This is what I mean by those little signs. Every day something is being thrown at me that reminds me of him. It’s like the universe is telling me not to give up. Every time I think I’m doing OK, something happens – I hear a song that reminds me of him that I would never normally hear unless I go hunting for it. Or the flyer from that cafe we used to go to coming through the letterbox. Or the reference letter that, to be honest, I had kinda expected. I just didn’t expect it to make me physically vomit. Can a breakup really make you physically sick? Apparently so.
This still doesn’t feel like the right decision for me, you know. I have a very bad feeling 99% of the time. It’s like I’m not quite right about it. I want to message him but I no longer have the balls. My life doesn’t feel right without him in it, even though we rarely saw or spoke to each other anyway. I felt calmer when he was ‘in my life’ even when he wasn’t actually in it. Does that make any sense at all?
But he’s over it and I can’t face his rejection one more time so I’m not going to do anything about it. Maybe the Redneck and the Ex will tell him they’ve got the letters and he’ll know I’ll have got mine too? Maybe he’ll message me. Desperately, I’m hoping he does. I know he won’t though. He’s online right now and although I hope, I know he’s over it. His message has been made perfectly clear to me. He’s online on POF all the time and he’s done with me. I’m old trash. Garbage. Nothing. Just another crazy ex. And to think I was once his Hummingbird.