I realised today that there was only one more day left in 2014. Where the hell did 2014 go? What happened to the year that was going to be ‘my year’? Where did it all go so wrong?
2014 was the year I thought I was going to get divorced, pay off all my debts, possibly get engaged to the man that I was adamant I would spend the rest of my life with, get pregnant or at least make a start in that direction, maybe look at moving in with the believed man of my dreams, quit my job, be a writer, finish a book, buy myself a new pair of Louboutin’s and get rid of the ones that Big Love got me, get loads of tattoos, get myself photographed in some 50’s inspired pinup modelling get-up, finally get the body I’d always wanted….
Do you know how much of that stuff happened? Like…none of it. I lost Jock. I couldn’t afford Christmas presents this year let alone a new pair of Louboutin’s. Plus then I found out that my poxy shoes weren’t even available to buy anymore. I have a pair of what seems to be the rarest white Christian Louboutin bridal shoes and I didn’t even realise it. They have sold out everywhere I’ve tried to find them. I can’t even get a rough estimate on how much they would have been worth if I were to sell them. You see I had this great idea of auctioning off every important item that an ex had ever bought me for a kids cancer charity I walked on fire for (and raised over £600 for) a year ago. I was going to get the wedding dress dry cleaned and auctioned off for the charity and do the same for the Louboutin’s, the Ducati shoes that Jock had made me, the 20th Anniversary edition Louboutin book from Big Love… I’m sure there were a few more.
I can’t sell the shoes now!
I didn’t quit my job either. Instead I went on long term sick because we all thought I had bowel cancer. Which I didn’t. Woo hoo! I guess that’s one good thing to come out of 2014 – I didn’t have cancer and because of regular check-up’s, bowel cancer *shouldn’t* be something I ever need to worry about again.
I did write a book but it wasn’t the book I wanted to write. It is self-published on Amazon but… I don’t know. It’s not the book I had in mind when I made that plan for myself. Eventually I will write the book I know is within me… One day.
I didn’t finish getting my body sculpted or inked up. Instead I put on about ten pounds which doesn’t sound like much but when you consider that I was over 200 pounds when I started, every single one of them makes a difference. My goal weight was 125… Well, my first goal weight was 145 but then I hit that and decided I could get away with losing a few more. I got to 140 and then got sick so I never left the house and ate shit food all the time. I’ve had chronic bowel movements for months so luckily it’s only ten pounds I’ve put on and not a lot more!
2014 was not the year I thought it was going to be. It started out with so much promise and it ended disastrously. I’m still sick, off work, unable to drink or go out and party for New Year (not that I even want to), and I’m still in the midst of the most unexpected, brutal breakup I’ve ever had the misfortune of going through. I’m glad to be seeing the back of this year if I’m honest.
Just like this BEAUTIFUL post by Horny Geek Girl that made me sob like a little girl for about twenty minutes, I want to find love. That post pretty much sums things up for me. That’s what I want for 2015. I want it to be the year I really find true love. Love that’ll last a lifetime, not just a year or two. Love that results in the things I’ve all of a sudden decided I wanted – kids, marriage, the happy ever after.
In fact, what I’d really like is for Jock to magically realise all his flaws and come back the perfect man he promised he’d be. I know it’s not going to happen obviously. I’m not longer that deluded. But it sure beats trying to find someone new, getting to know them, awkward first dates and bumpy first shags. In fact, no it doesn’t. I really like that stage of a relationship, especially with someone that gives me butterflies. And as much as I feel like Jock is my world right now, he’ll soon become just a distant memory that won’t cloud up my mind or my judgement. It won’t be long before there’s a new guy giving me butterflies and orgasms that blow my mind.
2014 wasn’t a great year for me. 2015 might not be my year either. But do you know what? I’m gonna give 2015 all I’ve got. If I fall in love, I’ll fall in love with everything I’ve got. I’ll jump in too hard and too fast, making mistakes and hopefully learning as I go. I’ll give my writing career my all. Hopefully that will start the cycle of having more money and doing the rest – inking up, moving home, being content and not having to worry about how I’m going to pay my phone bill, etc.
I’m not going to make New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. Instead I’m going to set goals – life goals. I’m going to take it in stages, slowly but surely. I’m going to actually finish the stuff I start. I’m not going to worry about finding love. Instead, I’m going to fall in love with myself again. Once I’ve done that, I’m sure the rest of my life will sort itself out and if it doesn’t, who cares? At least I’ll be happy with me 🙂
So guys and girls, for 2015 I wish for you all to fall in love with yourselves because you’re pretty damn fabulous anyway.