2014? Good Riddance.

I realised today that there was only one more day left in 2014. Where the hell did 2014 go? What happened to the year that was going to be ‘my year’? Where did it all go so wrong?

2014 was the year I thought I was going to get divorced, pay off all my debts, possibly get engaged to the man that I was adamant I would spend the rest of my life with, get pregnant or at least make a start in that direction, maybe look at moving in with the believed man of my dreams, quit my job, be a writer, finish a book, buy myself a new pair of Louboutin’s and get rid of the ones that Big Love got me, get loads of tattoos, get myself photographed in some 50’s inspired pinup modelling get-up, finally get the body I’d always wanted….

Do you know how much of that stuff happened? Like…none of it. I lost Jock. I couldn’t afford Christmas presents this year let alone a new pair of Louboutin’s. Plus then I found out that my poxy shoes weren’t even available to buy anymore. I have a pair of what seems to be the rarest white Christian Louboutin bridal shoes and I didn’t even realise it. They have sold out everywhere I’ve tried to find them. I can’t even get a rough estimate on how much they would have been worth if I were to sell them. You see I had this great idea of auctioning off every important item that an ex had ever bought me for a kids cancer charity I walked on fire for (and raised over £600 for) a year ago. I was going to get the wedding dress dry cleaned and auctioned off for the charity and do the same for the Louboutin’s, the Ducati shoes that Jock had made me, the 20th Anniversary edition Louboutin book from Big Love… I’m sure there were a few more.

I can’t sell the shoes now!

I didn’t quit my job either. Instead I went on long term sick because we all thought I had bowel cancer. Which I didn’t. Woo hoo! I guess that’s one good thing to come out of 2014 – I didn’t have cancer and because of regular check-up’s, bowel cancer *shouldn’t* be something I ever need to worry about again.

I did write a book but it wasn’t the book I wanted to write. It is self-published on Amazon but… I don’t know. It’s not the book I had in mind when I made that plan for myself. Eventually I will write the book I know is within me… One day.

I didn’t finish getting my body sculpted or inked up. Instead I put on about ten pounds which doesn’t sound like much but when you consider that I was over 200 pounds when I started, every single one of them makes a difference. My goal weight was 125… Well, my first goal weight was 145 but then I hit that and decided I could get away with losing a few more. I got to 140 and then got sick so I never left the house and ate shit food all the time. I’ve had chronic bowel movements for months so luckily it’s only ten pounds I’ve put on and not a lot more!

2014 was not the year I thought it was going to be. It started out with so much promise and it ended disastrously. I’m still sick, off work, unable to drink or go out and party for New Year (not that I even want to), and I’m still in the midst of the most unexpected, brutal breakup I’ve ever had the misfortune of going through. I’m glad to be seeing the back of this year if I’m honest.

Just like this BEAUTIFUL post by Horny Geek Girl that made me sob like a little girl for about twenty minutes, I want to find love. That post pretty much sums things up for me. That’s what I want for 2015. I want it to be the year I really find true love. Love that’ll last a lifetime, not just a year or two. Love that results in the things I’ve all of a sudden decided I wanted – kids, marriage, the happy ever after.

2014? Good Riddance!

In fact, what I’d really like is for Jock to magically realise all his flaws and come back the perfect man he promised he’d be. I know it’s not going to happen obviously. I’m not longer that deluded. But it sure beats trying to find someone new, getting to know them, awkward first dates and bumpy first shags. In fact, no it doesn’t. I really like that stage of a relationship, especially with someone that gives me butterflies. And as much as I feel like Jock is my world right now, he’ll soon become just a distant memory that won’t cloud up my mind or my judgement. It won’t be long before there’s a new guy giving me butterflies and orgasms that blow my mind.

2014 wasn’t a great year for me. 2015 might not be my year either. But do you know what? I’m gonna give 2015 all I’ve got. If I fall in love, I’ll fall in love with everything I’ve got. I’ll jump in too hard and too fast, making mistakes and hopefully learning as I go. I’ll give my writing career my all. Hopefully that will start the cycle of having more money and doing the rest – inking up, moving home, being content and not having to worry about how I’m going to pay my phone bill, etc.

I’m not going to make New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. Instead I’m going to set goals – life goals. I’m going to take it in stages, slowly but surely. I’m going to actually finish the stuff I start. I’m not going to worry about finding love. Instead, I’m going to fall in love with myself again. Once I’ve done that, I’m sure the rest of my life will sort itself out and if it doesn’t, who cares? At least I’ll be happy with me 🙂

So guys and girls, for 2015 I wish for you all to fall in love with yourselves because you’re pretty damn fabulous anyway.

Love you!

Mwah!

xoxo

2014? Good Riddance

Bah Humbug.

I’m not going to lie to you, Christmas Day was pretty fucking tough. Because I’ve been sick recently, I’ve not managed to get out much so I’ve not bought any one’s Christmas presents. Avoiding the situation completely, I told everyone that I hadn’t managed to get everything ready in time and I didn’t want to see them. I think my sister was pretty upset but honestly, I’m the Grinch that stole Christmas right now and I hardly think its fair to inflict my misery on them.

The Bestie wants the Apple Watch when it comes out and that’s not until March so he knew he was going to need to wait for his Christmas present anyway. I had intended to get him a bottle of his favourite cologne but over the last few months, I had been putting money on a shopper’s card I had. That shopper’s card couldn’t be used for online purchases so because I didn’t get out the house, I didn’t get him anything. Today was awful. I felt like a total let down. I’ve been so poor and so ill, I just haven’t managed to get my shit together. Ugh, it’s been a really tough few weeks. The only gifts I had managed to buy were Jock’s. They are still in that little box hidden in the back of my closet. I can’t bring myself to do anything with them. I don’t even want to look at them.

I really missed him. I thought he might have text me a little ‘Happy Christmas’ message but I didn’t hear from him at all. It just drummed home again just how little I meant to him. I haven’t stalked him anymore. I can’t do that to myself. He just needs to disappear now. My heart hurts so much when I think about him. I got my period too. For Christmas I got my period. Nice.

Last Christmas I was so happy. He gave me those handmade shoes that I still don’t know what to do with. He got me the art print that is still hanging on my wall. We were so happy. I just miss him. That’s all. I just need to have a little cry. I miss his smell. I miss his hands. I miss his cheeky little smile. I miss my goofy smile around him. I miss the way he kissed my neck and made my knees weak. I miss the way he used to look at me right before he kissed me. I miss the way he used to dance around with his junk hanging out like he was the hottest guy in the universe. I knew it was probably all bullshit but it wasn’t bullshit to me. It felt pretty real to me.

Over the years my breakups seem to be turning out the same way as my hangovers – getting longer, becoming more and more painful, and taking a fucking age to get over. Is all that good stuff really worth the way I’m feeling right now? I’m crying. I have actual tears splashing on my laptop as I write this. My heart feels shattered. My heart actually drops when something reminds me of him. Like the Ed Sheeran song – Thing Out Loud that is playing on EVERY fucking TV ad I see. He sent me that song months and months ago before it became a bit hit, before the album was even released. He sent me that song and told me that’s how he felt about me. Plus there was Paolo Nutini – Better Man too. Every time I hear those songs, it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut.

I know it’s just a shit couple of days. I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas anyway, My parents broke up at Christmas time but before that, all I ever remembered was them fighting anyway. I normally just work all through it like when I was in the War Zone, on the other side of the world, and even when I was the Hubby. I much prefer to work through it. Who needs to be festive anyway?

So yeah, just another shit couple of days. I can’t wait for 2014 to be over. It started with so much promise yet still managed to end so crappily. Maybe 2015 I can just have a good year? Just one year where it doesn’t look like I have cancer or I get my heart broken again. A year where my writing career will finally take off and I won’t be living pay check to pay check every month. A year where I finally become a grown up. That would be nice.

Because I Can’t Stop Punishing Myself.

I stalked him. I don’t know why I did that. He has one new friend on Facebook. She’s heavily tattooed and pierced like me. I guess he’s moved on. Or maybe she’s just an old friend. Or maybe I shouldn’t care. I do though.

I was helping my Grandfather sort some stuff out on his Facebook and thought I’d have a little look while I was there. He’s blocked on mine. I don’t know why I typed his name into the search bar. I knew it would hurt me. He’s moving on already. She’s exactly the kind of girl he’d go for. I wouldn’t imagine he’s the kinda of guy she would go for, but he probably doesn’t realise that. I literally meant that little to him that’s he’s moving on already. He’s ALWAYS online on POF. Well he was the last time I was on there. To be honest, I’ve not been on there for a while. I guess some part of me hoped that he wouldn’t find someone else, that he would come running back to me with his tail between his legs, that someone else wouldn’t have the love and respect for him that I did. I don’t think it’ll happen now. He has too much pride and he just didn’t care that much about me. He couldn’t muster up the strength for the great romantic gesture and the fireworks while we were together. I definitely don’t expect it now that we aren’t. It would have been nice for him to have tried though…. you know?

I can’t help but feel a little hard-done-by; like I’ve been handed the short straw. He fucked this up quite spectacularly and yet I’m the one that’s suffering. Well, hardly suffering. I’m definitely doing a lot better now than I was a few weeks ago. It’s not so raw now, and it doesn’t ache quite so much. I still can’t quite believe it’s over though. Maybe I’m just still in denial?

I guess I just feel a little deflated really. It’s kinda of hard not to feel like that when all your hopes and dreams are washed away from under you without even realising it was coming. He bashed into my life with a bang and he left in the same way too – out of nowhere, unexpected, and life-changing. I guess my work colleague was right though – he was the one to make me change my mind about babies. It’s a shame he’s not going to be the guy I end up having them with.

Everything happens for a reason though, right? Perhaps he was the guy that changed my mind about starting a family so that the next Mr. Right (rather than multiple Mr. Wrong’s) could just come along, sweep me off my feet, put the rock on my finger and baby me up? Maybe that’s what she meant, my work colleague? She never said he’d be the guy I had them with – she just ‘sensed’ that he’d be the one to change my mind…

It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Mr. Right coming along next and kissing all my pain away. It’s a shame it’s probably not going to happen. No doubt there will be a number of failed relationships left for me before I find my happy ending. Sigh. Still at least it’ll be material for the blog.

Notice how I no longer say his name through. He’s nothing more than an ex to me now.

Every Now and Then…

Every now and then he sneaks into my thoughts, you know? I’ve been trying to keep myself super busy recently. I’ve taken on loads of writing work. I’m actually finishing stuff too. I’ve downloaded some new games and I’ve geeked out for hours. My ‘urgent’ within two week referral is booked for the 26th February and I’m off work again for ANOTHER month. Christ this shit is simply never-ending. I have far too much time on my hands.

I’m doing OK. I’m not crying or being sad. It’s tough though. Really tough. Mundane crap just reminds me of him all the time. That fucker really did break my heart. I keep having this little day dream that he comes back into my life somehow, admitting he’s made a huge mistake. I never know how the dream ends. I realise I’m thinking about him and I snap myself out of it.

Bestie and I were watching shooting stars at 3am one morning in the back yard, hot water bottles shoved up the front of our jumpers, huddling together like dumb penguins staring up at the sky. God knows what the neighbours thought. A huge shooting star leapt across the sky right in front of both of us and I almost cried. A huge gulp got stuck in the back of my throat and I had this searing pain across my heart. Like an actual pain! It reminded me so much of when Jock and I went star-chasing, fairly early on in the relationship. Sat in the middle of this massive field, staring up at the sky in the middle of the night. It was pitch black. Just the stars above us and each other’s arms to keep warm. We fucked in the back of his car that night. It was amazing.

He’s Gonna Say It.

I just read it. And it made my heart hurt. And a little tear or two came out. I shouldn’t have read it. Why did I do that? So dumb. That was before we’d even said, “I love you.” I love this blog so much but at the same time, going back and reading about times I was much happier with a man I now cant allow myself to think about is gut-wrenching, and stupid.

I really fell for him too fast and too hard. I jumped right into it with both feet. Looking back now, I was trying to play it so cautiously, I don’t even know what happened. One minute I still had him at arm’s length and we were sailing along just fine and the next, we were fucked. I have no idea how that happened.

I knew he was going to pop into my mind sometimes. I just didn’t realise it was going to be all the time. I’m still getting those daily reminders of him. Every day something happens. I’ve learned not to take them as ‘signs’ now, but it doesn’t stop the mind from drifting. I put the bears we had won at the fair in the bag for charity. The little robot stuff toy that he tried to win for me, failed, and eventually I ended up winning for myself, the second one he tried to win for me and failed… I got ANOTHER letter from his new job asking me to be a reference. That’s the second one now. The last conversation we had, he told me he was going to change that so I wouldn’t be contacted again. Why hasn’t he just done it? Why are they still contacting me?

It’s really difficult to get over someone when the universe doesn’t want you to. I’m getting there though. Slowly but surely, the days are getting easier. I’m not ready to move on yet, but I’m no longer in the manic-depressive crying phase. That’s got to be a good sign, right?

Every Now and Then...

Na Uh. I Ain’t That Girl.

I did it. Two minutes before Jock’s birthday, 11:58pm, I blocked them both. I did it. That was it. The last link…. severed.

I didn’t cry. I just sat at my desk, head resting on my hands, staring at the computer screen for about fifteen minutes. Realisation, I think. It’s over.

I didn’t cry when I got into bed. I didn’t cry in bed. I didn’t cry when I woke up this morning. Well, I did cry but for an entirely different reason.

I DON’T HAVE CANCER!

After a shaky start (and for about 11 minutes, it genuinely looked as if I did have cancer resulting in a MASSIVE meltdown on the phone to my poor mother), it turns out the polyp they removed didn’t contain cancerous cells but there are a couple of things they want to keep a closer eye on so I’ll be scheduled for follow up colonoscopies every five years.

The bad news is I have another infection and are on the biggest antibiotics I’ve ever seen in my life. Plus an urgent (within two weeks) referral to the Gastro-department of my local hospital. Finally ladies and gentlemen, we appear to be getting somewhere.

I don’t have cancer. I don’t. What the hell am I playing at? Spending my time pining for some guy? What’s the point in that? There are so many more men out there. There are so many more new things for me to explore. This could have gone so differently. Imagine if it had been bad news. I’m not living my life to the full staying in my house and not showering because another guy broke my heart. Na uh. I ain’t that girl. So I’m not gonna be.

Today was a day that changed things for me. I’m not sure and I’m not sure why but it has. Watch this space. I had an epiphany! 😉

The Last Link.

It’s 31 minutes before Jock’s birthday. I’m on Facebook. I know if I don’t delete his mother and his brother right now, it’ll never happen. They are the only link I have left to him. The only thing that connects us. If I cut that off, there will be no going back. Plus I feel like an absolute cunt for having to do to them. I still speak to them both occasionally, and they are always liking and commenting on my stuff. I thought about sending his mother a message saying that I just needed a clean break but then she might message Jock and that would seem like I’m stirring up shit. I know it’s petty but every time I see them on Facebook, I’m reminded of him and as Karen said, I gotta do this cold turkey. Cut off all ties.

I’m still not crying. I’m still not really thinking about him. I’ve just set myself a challenge. In fact, I’ve had this set for a couple of days now. I will have deleted and blocked them both before his birthday. If I don’t I’ll see messages that they may post up for him and I don’t want to see that because then I’ll want to message him Happy Birthday. And I definitely cannot, must not, WILL NOT do that! The only way I’m going to get through this is by NO CONTACT. Again, as Karen said, he’s my heroin. Only the tiniest bit is needed to drag me right back in again.

27 minutes now. Christ. This is actually really difficult. I always loved his mother. I was so gutted that he went up to their end of the country without me. I was so angry that he had done that. He couldn’t plan a trip for us to go up there together but he could for him by himself? Ugh. Still, its for the best. If I had actually met her, this decision would have made all the more harder.

See, that’s the shit you don’t think about when you’re going through a breakup. You don’t think about family and friends. If you want a clean, no contact break (usually accompanying a really messy breakup), you need to unfriend and block all parties relevant to him. Luckily we had two very separate lives so there are only a handful of people in my social networking circle that are ‘his’. We didn’t need to have the custody battle over friends either – his friends are his friends and my friends are my friends. Like The Redneck and his wife. I messaged him my condolences over the pup that needed to be put down and he ignored it. I deleted and blocked them both. I never really liked her that much anyway and once I’d gotten over my crush on him, I wasn’t overly impressed with The Redneck most the time anyway.

I’m pissed off that my Papa hasn’t removed Jock from his friend list, especially as he told me he would once I’d filled him in on what had been happening, but he’s not really that clued up on technology so I’ll bug him about it when it’s not so raw and make sure it gets done.

I don’t want him to know anything about my life or the people in it. I don’t want to know anything about his. If he wants to be tacky enough to go hopping straight into a relationship with another woman or at the very least, another women’s bed, he can get on with it. I don’t need to see it. Nor do I want to. I’m classier than that. More refined. More dignified. Although looking at the state of him, that was evident from the start anyway.

You see, I seem to have found the bitter, angry part of the breakup showdown. I’ve done denial – wanting to get back together with him at every opportunity, and thinking that everything would be aright once we had both calmed down. Then I went through the manic depressive, can’t-stop-crying skankbag stage where I didn’t shower for three or four days. Now I’m in the I’m-not-sure-what-I-ever-saw-in-him phase. I can’t quite believe I let a guy like that grind me down so far. He never deserved me. See – bitter and angry phase. Refusing to think about him. Refusing to cry. I quite like it 🙂

20 minutes. Just like ripping off a band aid. That’s what I gotta do. Type his mother’s name in. Block. Type his brother’s name in. Block. Done. Less than sixty seconds of my life and it will be done. It’s just that last link… It’s always the hardest to give up, isn’t it?

16 minutes. I’m just wasting time now. Pacing. Having a drink. Having a smoke. Putting it off. Delaying it. That last link. Can I really do it? Can I really cut all ties? Can’t you just do it for me? Do I even have to do it at all? Can’t I be strong enough to just deal with those two? If I’ve not lost my shit and said something to them before this point, it won’t happen now will it? No, every time I see them it’s a constant reminder. I need to do it. I need to.

14 minutes. I can do it.

Can’t I? 

Getting Back On Track?

I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know if the therapy worked or if I’ve just turned a corner but it’s been like three days and I haven’t cried. I haven’t thought about him. I haven’t charged my other phone up to see if he has been online on WhatsApp or POF. It’s like something clicked. I’m not going to be sad anymore. And I’m not sad. It’s like there was an on/off button and someone has switched it off. He’s not in my head every second of every day, and I’m not looking for him. I’m not hoping he’ll message me. Who turned it off? Did I do that? Or this is just a temporary blip?

I’m talking to a new guy – Mr. Graphic Designer. He’s kinda cute. I’m not looking for anything. My profile was hidden but I viewed him so he viewed me and liked what he saw. We’ve been chatting for a couple of days and I kinda like talking to him. He’s got a 12 year old kid which I’m trying to pretend won’t be an issue for me, and as the name suggests, he’s a graphic designer with his own business and from what I can make out, his own home. A little something fancy to enjoy for a while perhaps? He hasn’t run away from the marriage thing like Mr. Aries did. He’s been married before too. Like I said, I’m not reading anything into it. Every guy I’ve been excited about recently has let me down so I shan’t hold my breath.

I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I’m accepting now. It’s over. It’s fine that it’s over. When you think about it, we’ve not really been together for about three months now anyway. Maybe even longer than that? Who know’s how long he was on POF for before I found out? Bestie seems to think he may have been over me for a long time and he was probably doing the dirty. I’ve only seen him once or twice in the last three months. We haven’t been ‘in a relationship’ for a long time. We’ve not been Facebook friends for a long time. I’ve been grieving for this relationship for the last three months with the exception of a couple of days here and there when it looked as if we may have hope. I reckon I’m done here. It’s definitely more than he deserved.

It’s his birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 37. Last night, one of his friends changed his profile picture to the one I took of him and Jock at the Summer Ball. You know the one – he completely abandoned me with a bunch of people I’d never met before in my life. It was like a razor blade to the heart and I’m almost one hundred percent sure it stopped beating for a few seconds, but I was fine. I blocked him. And his wife. And later on I plan to go through my entire friends list and cull anything and everything that reminds me of him. I’m doing just fine without him.

I’m having a mini dilemma over his mother and his brother though… They are lovely people and I talk to them every now and again. I’ve never met them. I should probably just delete them too, shouldn’t I? I don’t want to…. But I don’t want him in my life in any way shape or form. I’m never going to forgive him for the way he treated me throughout the scariest time of my life. Oh and by the way, it’s day 17. No biopsy results. They said 10-14 days. Fuck my life, it’s just one thing after another isn’t it?

But I’m doing OK. I’m not breaking down. I’m not moping around. I’ve spent the last couple of days writing and earning some money, trying to get myself out of the financial slump I’ve found myself in, and making my websites profitable. I think it’s working. Slowly but surely. We’re getting back on track…. Maybe! 🙂

Getting Back On Track?