So…. A lot’s happened. Clearly I’ve not had time to talk about it. I don’t really know where to start.
Day two of my week off and I actually managed to leave the house today. Granted it took me about two and a half hours to get ready for just thirty minutes out the house and in the end, I didn’t talk or see anyone, but it was a start. It’s been a tough few days.
Jock and I agreed to talk. The night before he went to the other side of the country, I emailed him and told him that it was finished with and that I was giving up. I was sick of crying and getting myself into a state and that I wanted him to move on and that I hoped to do the same. We both needed to stop playing around. The email I got back from him wasn’t quite I was expecting. He wanted to talk. He wanted to try and work things out. He knew that I was his Hummingbird, and he had no intentions of going anywhere. I relented… When he got back from his vacation, we would talk and see what happened.
In the week he was up there, we did nothing but fight. He didn’t text me when he said he was going to, and when I messaged him, he would ignore it for hours and even sometimes days. He didn’t let me know that he arrived safely. He didn’t ask me how I was, or if I was doing OK. Whatever is wrong with me; the poo problem, well it’s back… with a vengeance! I have now removed constipation as a symptom and replaced it with an endless upset stomach that accompanies the loudest, most embarrassing stomach gurgling noises at all hours of the day and night for no apparent reason, the stinkiest and loudest of farts, and the worst cramps I’ve ever felt in my life. Cramps that are so bad, you get goosebumps that rip through your entire body. Whatever is wrong with me appears to be getting scarily worse… and quickly too. I’m actually starting to consider the idea of having bowel cancer. Or ovarian cancer. Every time I dismiss it, something happened that makes me thing it could be that again. There was the old woman at work who was suffering with bowel cancer and had been for four years. Her symptoms were EXACTLY the same as mine. Then there was the website I found of ovarian cancer sufferers and the stomach gurgling that I had described seemed to follow the same patterns as these victims… I’m starting to get scared.
I admitted as much to Jock while he was at the other end of the country, and begged him for the support that he had supposedly given to his ex when she had cancer. I don’t understand why he can’t even be bothered to message me back yet he stuck by her, working all the hours under the sun to support her and her daughter, and got tossed aside like a pile of garbage at the end of it.
When he got back, he told me he was going to bed as he had driven all though the night. I left him to it. Later that night he messaged me and told me that he had gone to see his (step-)daughter… and the fucking bitch-Ex. He couldn’t come and see me – his girlfriend that could have fucking cancer. In fact, he couldn’t even be bothered to message me. He couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and call me. He couldn’t be bothered with me at all. Yet he went to see the kid and that fucking whore-bag? What the fucking fuck?!
He saw them like a week before he went away. He hasn’t seen me for MONTHS! It has been fucking months since we spoke to each other. Why didn’t he come and see me? I’m sick. Proper sick. I have a constant temperature. I’m constantly drained. I’m exhausted. I ache from head to toe and I’m dying for one of his massages… and a cuddle. That’s all I want – some support from my boyfriend.
At the end of the conversation, he told me he wouldn’t be awake for long so we say our goodnights…. That was at 8pm. At 2am when I was crying myself into to a sleep that never happened, I peeked at his message thread and he was still online. Who was he talking to at 2am? Why wasn’t he talking to me? He told me that he was tired and going to sleep… I don’t understand?
We’ve barely spoken since. I don’t think he gets that I’m pissed despite my one-word answers. He’s working all week and I’m working the weekend that he’s off so it’ll be weeks again before we actually get to see each other and actually talk things through. I’m not even so sure that I want to. I’ve got my consultant with a specialist in 11 days. I can’t focus on him right now. I’m freaking out about whatever is wrong with me. What started out as little flare up’s has turned into an every day kinda illness and I’m having a really hard time dealing with it. I’ve been broke because I’m not writing so I’m not earning money. Some days I’m not even managing to get out of bed until the afternoon. This is very unlike me. I’m starting to worry.
I said as much to Bestie tonight. I was scared. I was so upset the other night with everything that has been going on and the lack of support I’ve had from Jock, my mother, the people I work with, etc. I had a breakdown. I thought about hurting myself. I didn’t. I smoked a spliff instead. I didn’t know what else to do. I’m having a really tough time. I admitted everything to him and asked him to help me. I don’t want to spiral into darkness again, and I can see it happening right in front of my eyes. I need a helping hand to drag me out of it. I’m hoping he can do that.
So that’s what’s happening here. It’s shit. It’s just utter shit. And I’m miserable. Send chocolate. And pot.