I was furious when I woke up this morning. I was furious because I finally gave in and text my Beautiful Tattooed Jock yesterday and he ignored me. A bunch of his Xmas presents had arrived because this year, I was determined to be on the ball, and I figured I may as well still give them to him so I asked for his address.
He moaned about work and I realised I didn’t have to listen to his shit anymore.
“Change jobs then. Your couldn’t-give-a-fuck attitude destroyed our relationship. Don’t let it destroy your life too.”
He didn’t respond. Later on I sent him a little quote:
He didn’t respond. I could see that he had read the message, yet he chose not to respond. He was ignoring me. He ignored me.
The only thing that came out me this morning when I woke up was fury and tears. I cried my eyes out for about 45 minutes straight. Great big heaving sobs into my duvet, almost doubled over because I was crying so hard. I messaged him out of anger:
“Right well I guess I’m not that important anymore. Funny how fast everything changes in a week or so, isn’t it? Take it easy… I’m assuming you’ll have told your mother, etc.? Thanks for wasting my time, and then when I had a bit more faith, wasting it again.
But then, I was never that important lol. I’m such an idiot. Well I hope you enjoyed me being your little blonde thing. At least I know now. And I’ll stop wasting my time. Thanks a lot. Just goes to show!”
I was so angry. I’m so sad. I’m a fireball of emotions right now. I don’t know how to handle any of them.
I’m furious at him for giving up. It literally went like this – Me: It’s over. Him: OK then.
There was no fight. No fireworks. No effort on his part. Just like the entire way through our relationship. He didn’t bother getting me a birthday present and he didn’t bother even trying to save our relationship. And at times, in fact, when the fucking bitch Ex wasn’t around, it was beautiful. And then she came and fucked it all up and won. She won him back. He might not realise it yet but she has.
Then tonight, after still no response, nothing for my early morning outburst, he put this up as his status: “Some people have got a f**king nerve I tell you!!!!”
Was that status for my benefit? If that’s the case, is he really saying the break down in our relationship was MY fault? I seriously hope not. I really do hope not. I don’t really understand it… Why would he put that up? I need to unfriend him but I can’t. A part of me still can’t do it. What the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe I should go have a cheeky herbal smoke and come back… What a good idea.
Be right back.
So I didn’t come right back. I went to sleep. And I woke up this morning in the saddest of moods. I don’t have work until much later on so I did the only think I knew to do – I smoked one of my little herbal cigarettes and sat down to finish my post. I’ve never smoked before work before. Today just called for it.
I unfriended him. That was the first thing I did when I woke up this morning. I don’t know if he’s back at work or not so I’m not even sure he’ll notice. I’m utterly devastated that this ended up like this. I can’t believe this has ended up like this. I loved that guy. I still love that guy. For all his flaws and confusions, I still wanted everything about him. I just needed him to stand up and be a man and instead of doing just that, he refused to budge and we ended up breaking up. How the fuck has this happened?
I’m so sad.