Sad Love Songs.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I hate this. This was not how this was meant to go down. He was meant to have given me the big, grand romantic gesture that showed me he was serious about our future together. He was meant to have turned up and promised me bigger and better things. Even if he had no intentions of delivering them, he should have still promised them. Isn’t that the point of break-ups? Was it really so bad that he consider this to be a blessing?

I was walking to work this morning and our song, “All Of Me” by John Legend, came on. My heart skipped a beat. I burst into tears. In public. Well, hardly in public, it was on the centre of a big green so it was OK… No one saw it. But I still cried. In public! I’ve got some sort of post-traumatic-relationship-breakdown happening. I didn’t care two weeks ago when we were actually breaking up. Now it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks.

He wasn’t perfect. I know he wasn’t. I know you all hated him and think this breakup is a blessing in disguise. But it’s not. I can’t help but think I have made a terrible, terrible mistake. I was mad at him but I didn’t want us to break up… Did I? I was so sure at the time but now I’m not. Now all I can think is how much I miss him. All the godamn fucking time. And it’s killing me. And I hate it.

I know breakups aren’t meant to be pretty. I know I’m meant to cry and eat ice cream and wallow in self pity for a few days but this doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right about this decision. I am miserable without him in my life. And I want him back. The only problem with this is the fact that I think I’ve managed to hurt him more than he ever hurt me. I said some real personal things and I was really angry. I love him. I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that. That’s not nice. I’m so sorry I said spiteful things. I’m so sorry that I took my anger out on him. I know a lot of it was because of his situation but he did at least talk to her… It may have been later than anticipated but didn’t he still do what I had been asking of him all along? Sort his bitch-Ex out? Wasn’t that all I wanted in the first place?

The problem we have here is that I don’t think he’d talk to me now. I think we’ve said and done too much now. We’ve been too personal and we’ve left it too long. Now all that’s left is for me to cry it out with sad love songs. Sad, sad love songs. The problem with that is every song reminds me of him. And it hurts. I wish he’d just message me back! 😦

10 thoughts on “Sad Love Songs.

  1. Sorry…you have rough times. It is hard I know. Even when relationships are terrible and you are getting nothing in return, it still sucks. I’m sure he’s not a terrible guy, but you seem like a great gal, You deserve to get what you want in life….he deserved whatever you told him in my opinion…he was jerking you along(not that he wasn’t into you…just that guys like that are incapable of real relationships). Anyway, cry all you want, eat some ice cream….but really think about why are you good catch…attractive, open minded in bed…committed to something real…willing to work. A lot of women out there are total narcissisists…just want a guy to take care of everythign so they just sit around and do or teach yoga or whatever, art school….dance…the list goes on and on. Anyway, a decent guy will come if you let him….

  2. I have read your last two posts and this is EXACTLY what happened to me and my last ‘serious’ boyfriend. I mean, the essence is there: EXACTLY the same thing. It’s funny how men are so clueless sometimes (or chose to be). It happened exactly the same: Me: It’s over. Him: Yes, it’s the right thing to do. I DIDN’T Want him to say that it was the right thing to do, I wanted him to stay and fight for me! The only difference is that we did talk later in time. But that’s it… The last time we had a conversation (I was the one texting), he called me and told me that ‘it didn’t feel like a partnership anymore; relationships are not supposed to be a fight’. Well, I do not know how many guys feel this way but it simply didn’t make sense to me, it still doesn’t. I am a hopeless romantic, one of those who believes that when there is love, there is hope and everything can be solved! I do not regret my decision. At all. I’d rather be with someone who is capable of doing everything to make things work and with who I can see a future together with (I didn’t with him). It makes me angry when I have to make the ‘break up’ choice when it was obvious that he was not happy either. You know that feeling that it was kind of a ‘relief’ to him? I am so sorry for the long comment, it just triggered some heavy memories. I haven’t written about him in my blog yet, but I will eventually.

    Now, if you want my opinion about your personal situation: Everything happens for a reason (that teaches me well). Sometimes we are too blind, sometimes we chose to ignore, sometimes we just insist on being a situation even if we are not happy about it.

    And you know what is the funniest? It’s that some time later, it’s like our brain is programmed to only remember the good things and completely disregard everything that was bad about the relationship.

    Believe me. This is not your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty about the situation.
    There is something better out there for us. And we shouldn’t settle for less.

    • But I don’t think that it’s settling. Or maybe it is. But we had some real good stuff. Real good. The best. Not just sex… everything. I could see myself having kids with him and I’ve NEVER felt like that with anyone else before. I wouldn’t have minded accidentally getting pregnant I don’t think. I thought that was what was going to happen. I don’t understand how things got so fucked up. It’s breaking my heart. I really miss him.

      • Of course only you can make a decision and only you know the whole story and him, and how you feel. But from personal experience, feeling guilty afterwards is a very common feeling, which is not fair at all on us. But all the best for you and that everything goes for the best!

  3. Just say you and Jock get back together. Just say you both give it another shot. What would be different? What would change? Do you lower your expectations from him? Would he try to change to make you happy? It sounds like even if you got back together that you would still be at an impasse because it’s obvious he’s not ready to change and that pyscho ex will be around in his life for as long as his daughter is with her. Your situation totally sucks but I’m not sure there is much you can do about it. You either keep being a doormat or you let him go and hopefully he figures out how much he needs you and it’s not too late to make amends. Be strong. I hope it works out for you.

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