I miss him. I miss him so much. I hate this. This was not how this was meant to go down. He was meant to have given me the big, grand romantic gesture that showed me he was serious about our future together. He was meant to have turned up and promised me bigger and better things. Even if he had no intentions of delivering them, he should have still promised them. Isn’t that the point of break-ups? Was it really so bad that he consider this to be a blessing?
I was walking to work this morning and our song, “All Of Me” by John Legend, came on. My heart skipped a beat. I burst into tears. In public. Well, hardly in public, it was on the centre of a big green so it was OK… No one saw it. But I still cried. In public! I’ve got some sort of post-traumatic-relationship-breakdown happening. I didn’t care two weeks ago when we were actually breaking up. Now it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks.
He wasn’t perfect. I know he wasn’t. I know you all hated him and think this breakup is a blessing in disguise. But it’s not. I can’t help but think I have made a terrible, terrible mistake. I was mad at him but I didn’t want us to break up… Did I? I was so sure at the time but now I’m not. Now all I can think is how much I miss him. All the godamn fucking time. And it’s killing me. And I hate it.
I know breakups aren’t meant to be pretty. I know I’m meant to cry and eat ice cream and wallow in self pity for a few days but this doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right about this decision. I am miserable without him in my life. And I want him back. The only problem with this is the fact that I think I’ve managed to hurt him more than he ever hurt me. I said some real personal things and I was really angry. I love him. I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that. That’s not nice. I’m so sorry I said spiteful things. I’m so sorry that I took my anger out on him. I know a lot of it was because of his situation but he did at least talk to her… It may have been later than anticipated but didn’t he still do what I had been asking of him all along? Sort his bitch-Ex out? Wasn’t that all I wanted in the first place?
The problem we have here is that I don’t think he’d talk to me now. I think we’ve said and done too much now. We’ve been too personal and we’ve left it too long. Now all that’s left is for me to cry it out with sad love songs. Sad, sad love songs. The problem with that is every song reminds me of him. And it hurts. I wish he’d just message me back! 😦