When Is Cheating, Cheating?

So… I want to ask a question. What do you define as cheating?

When Is Cheating, Cheating?

My Work Colleague (I should probably think of a better name for her) is having a few issues with her hubby. Let me just set some background – she’s in her early twenties, he’s in his mid-to-late thirties, they’ve been married two years yesterday and they have an almost one year old child. Struggling financially, they moved back in with her parents (and it’s a bit of a mess) to save up for the downpayment on a mortgage rather than just keep renting and not getting anywhere.

She regularly signs into his Facebook account and reads his messages and checks up what he’s up to, and I don’t say anything because it’s their marriage and nobody’s perfect. Recently she found and sent me screenshots of his conversation with what appeared to be an old female school friend that he hadn’t spoken to in many years.

The conversation started innocently enough – reminiscing about old times, and it was clear that she didn’t remember him. He delved further, telling her that she used to tease him at school, all the while boasting about how much money he earns, and his super-easy job in which he does sweet FA.

Firstly, what a crock of shit. He may earn that money but he doesn’t have that much money because of debts and a serious drinking problem. It’s not a big deal to them right now but it is soon going to become one, I can see it. It’s already getting worse. Recently he got arrested when they were on a family day out (with her parents) to a concert in a local castle, and when the evening came, he got pissed and smacked some guy around the face. Justified or not – can you see what I’m saying here?

So the conversation between them went from “We used to be mates and have the occasional kiss and cuddle” to adding each other as friends on Facebook. Then he mentioned that his wife (my Work Colleague) couldn’t have any more kids because her one year old ended up giving her heart failure. then he invited himself over to hers for coffee the next day (their second wedding anniversary) and was quite persistent in ensuring it would happen. Once again, he took a trip down memory lane to say that she was the one that taught him about the ‘thrill of the chase’ and ‘trying anything to get what was wanted’. And then he sent her the selfie. Nothing sinister about it – head and shoulders, beard, etc.

My Work Colleague was turning into a crazy bitch from hell the whole time this conversation unfolded in front of her eyes. He clearly doesn’t know that she’s watching in on their Facebook messages, but boy she’s saving every single message and she’s going mad with fury.

There were a few points in the conversation I wouldn’t have been happy about. He was pretty persistent in going around there for a coffee, and almost implied that him and his wife had some sort of open relationship too. Not quite but almost. It cleverly could have been taken both ways.

Is he cheating on her? I suggested the idea that maybe he’s just looking for a quick ego boost – that he had no intentions of actually sleeping with her or anything like that, but a quick flirt would probably make his day that little bit better. The fact that it was their two year wedding anniversary was kinda bitchy, but surely that’s all it was, right?

She’s under the impression that he is cheating. She’s actually considering the idea of getting the other woman involved in a bizarre ‘honey-trap’ situation, or telling him that someone has told her that he has been inappropriately talking to someone’s friend of a friend.

When Is Cheating, Cheating?_02

Now when we were married and my Hubby slept with all those other women – that was cheating. When I was being fucked in the backseat of our car by another guy in the woods – that was cheating. Is he really cheating on her though? I mean it’s just words. It doesn’t mean anything, right?

What I did with Number 42 a week ago – that was cheating. Jock and I might not have been together but I had no intentions of letting him go or getting over him. If we ever end up getting back together, that  knowledge will eat me up. I couldn’t tell him because it would be over in a heart beat. If I didn’t tell him, I reckon the guilt would eat me alive and I’d end up getting drunk and blurting it all out.

When Jock was messaging another woman during the midst of our breakup – I don’t class that as cheating. It made me angry but that’s only because I didn’t have a right to say anything. I broke up with him. Plus it’s just words. That’s why I think my Work Colleague should chill the fuck out. Technically he hasn’t done anything wrong and even though things had been pretty stressful between them for a while, I don’t think he had any intentions of cheating on her. Do you?

Cheating is something that divides the masses, doesn’t it? A ‘break’ in the relationship now gives you a pass to go out and fuck anyone you want to, at any time, in any place. A drunken kiss – is that cheating? What about those nights when you were so obliterated that you don’t even know whether or not you slept with someone else? Is that cheating? What about when you were ‘broken up’? If either of you sleeps with someone else, is that cheating?

I can deal with flirty conversations with the opposite sex. I never made a big deal about the messages on Jock’s phone, and I do understand that talking is just talking. There’s probably a fine line, of course, but you know what I mean. Could I deal with a drunken kiss? Yes, probably. I’d huff about it and make his life hell but I wouldn’t end a relationship because of it. I think maybe that’s my line – anything more than a kiss is cheating? Ah but what about sober kisses? I feel as if we’re getting into dodgy territory here, don’t you?

So yeah… When is cheating actually cheating? Where’s that fine line?

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Breakups Really Fucking Suck.

I made a promise and I’m sticking to it. But man is it proving difficult already. He’s dumping my shit off tomorrow so I don’t have to see him, yet I’m tidying my stuff up in case he wants to come inside and have a chat. He won’t, of course, he’s been online talking to HER all day and every time I see it, it drives me crazy. The sooner he drops those envelopes off, the sooner I can delete him, and then my head won’t be filled with fifty shades of batshit crazy.

I just can’t believe that’s it. What the fuck happened? What the fucking fuck? I’m sick so I can’t leave the house and all I can do is sit here, get high and blog. Oh and think. Think about all the things that went wrong with Jock and I. All the things I could have done differently, said differently, wanted differently. I was so determined to rush everything. I wanted him to hurry up and sort his shit out so that we could start a family, and I wanted him to get his debts paid off so that we could have a future. He said he wanted those things too. How come he ran away so fast?

The fact that he’s coming over tomorrow is making mer nervous. It’s either gonna go one of two ways. He’s either gonna dump those envelopes off on my door step like I asked him to and I’m going to go out, pick them up, come inside and cry my little heart out. Or he’s going to want to talk. I figured it would probably just be number one. He hasn’t got the balls for the second option. He doesn’t have the balls to face the relationship that HE destroyed and then tried to blame on me. Coward. Plus he has something new to play with, doesn’t he? Her.

I don’t understand how he’s getting butterflies from another girl and I’m alone, crying my eyes out, curled up in bed with my Mac because the stress of it all has rendered me bed-bound? I don’t understand how he was in the wrong yet I’m the one being punished for it? I’m the one crying my eyes out. I’m the one hurting. He’s fine. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s moved on already. That fact he has made perfectly clear. Crystal clear. Ms. S has his attention now. I’ve lost it.

Part of me hopes that he will still come back running. At the same time, I hope this never happens because I’m a mug and I always fall for that shit. It would be nice to know that he still has an ounce of feeling for me but I can’t see it if he has. He’s so cold now. So cold and not at all the man I fell in love with.

Even if he does come running back to me once his little flirtation and the trip up the road to see his ‘mother’ is done with, would I even be able to trust him? The fact that he managed to move onto a new victim so close to our breakup doesn’t exactly say committed boyfriend, does it? Plus I FUCKED someone else. It was meaningless, cheap and easy sex (good sex) but I still fucked someone else. He once said to me that if we ever broke up and I fucked someone else, he would never be able to come back to me knowing that. Could he really have meant that much to me in the first place if I was so willing to jump into the sack with someone else? I can’t be the only girl to have made that mistake though? Surely?

Of course, I know what he’s like. He has too much pride to come back now. Things have been said. Apparently I hurt his feelings too much. Dramatic prick. I didn’t hurt him at all. I just gave him a taste of his own medicine and he didn’t like it. That’s all. And that’s it. It’s over. And I keep talking about it because that’s what girls do.

Breakups really fucking suck.

Let’s Do This!

I think it’s time to face facts. He’s really over me. And this breakup is making me sick. Probably not just the breakup of course, but things are not going well for me right now.

Remember the envelopes I gave him for our one year anniversary? Well, I’ve told him he has to give those back now he’s moved on. And he has definitely moved on. Ms. S or whatever her name is, is welcome to him. She’s clearly more exciting than I am and even if things don’t work out between them and he comes running with his tail between his legs (although I doubt it), I ain’t no ones fall back plan. Na uh.

Back to those envelopes and I messaged him this morning asking when he was going to return them. I don’t wanna see him. I don’t wanna face him. I haven’t got the strength to face him. So tomorrow he is dumping them on my front door step just like he did with all my other stuff. I’m done. This is done. The second I woke up this morning in agonising gut pain, I was done. Remember I said I was sick in one of my last posts? Apparently stress makes it all flare up. And the last two days, it has flared up like a bitch. I’ve been in agony. In tears with agony. In tears with agony and the devastating breakup from one of the coldest guys I’ve ever had the misfortune of dating. I’m sure he’s turning on the charm with Ms. S though. I bet she’s loving it too. She’ll find out what he’s like. I have. I imagine that’s why the bitch-Ex is so pissed off too. She knew. He’s a child, afraid of commitment, and cold.

Let;s Do This!

She must be something kinda special. She’s certainly taking up almost all of his time. He’s always online talking to her. Just like I once did. I can’t believe I meant so little to him that he would have moved on already. I had drunken sex with Number 42, but he’s developing an actual emotional attachment to this girl. Mine was an accident. His was premeditated. Every time I See him online it stabs me like a knife. I wonder what he’s saying to her? I know it’s her too. He pretty much admitted it yesterday in the midst of the fight. He told me her name and that she was a ‘friend’ but he has no friends by that name on Facebook. Doesn’t he know I’m smarter than he is? Slash sneakier. Slash crazy. Isn’t that what Facebook is for anyway? Stalking your ex boyfriend and his new bitch?

I’ve made myself a promise and I’m determined to stick to it. Once I have those envelopes back, I’ll block him on Facebook. I’m going to delete his numbers from all of my many phones so I don’t get tempted to message him and I won’t be able to see when he is online, talking to her. I need to forget about it. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I know it’s what I need to do. And I will do it too. As soon as he gives me those envelopes back, it’s done. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I’ve got Number 42 to help me along. I was meant to have been going over to his tonight for a repeat performance. Minus the booze, of course. I can’t go now. I’m too sick to be his sock-rocker-offer tonight. He’s into me. He’s been messaging me a lot. He’s trying to play it cool but it’s too cool. I know him too well. That night changed us. Not for the worse… yet. But it has changed us. We didn’t speak yesterday and he actually said to me – “Lover, you’ve been quiet today. Is everything OK?” This has never happened before. We’ve had days and days of not talking to each other.

Plus there’s the ‘coincidental’ week off that I’ve got with My Mr. Grey. Providing I’m not sick, that’ll be an interesting way to pass the time. It’s not like I don’t have enough with my writing and work (when I can actually stay off the loo for long enough) to help me forget about Jock.

This is going to be really hard and I know it is. But I’m ready. I’m prepared. I’ve made my decision now.

Let’s do this.

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One Last Message.

So I messaged him. Jock I mean. I told him that it was weird how we broke up and I hated it. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time and my affection by wanting to see how things go. I wasn’t really prepared for his answer.

“Normally it would be a straight yes its done, but need time to think it over. I know thats a shit answer but I don’t want to force it then regret the wrong choice. You’re still my hummingbird!”

What the fucking fuck? No. I don’t think so. What is he playing at? I told him straight – I’m a big girl, if it’s over, it’s over. Just say and I’ll move on. What he has essentially said to me is that he doesn’t want anyone else to have me, but he doesn’t want to commit to me either! That’s what he said, right? What a bullshit fucking answer. I waited a year and a half tfor him to finally do something about his psychotic ex and now I’m waiting to find out whether or not our relationship is worth it? What a fucking asshole.

To be fair, I don’t really know what I was expecting. I should have known better, right? Hasn’t he just disappointed me and let me down the whole way through? I should have seen another big fat disappointment looming. I just can’t believe he had the nerve to say that to me. What a tosser.

I don’t think it’s that difficult personally. You either want me or you don’t. And I’m something fucking special too. He needs to fucking realise that. But you know what I realised? You were all right. He won’t ever commit to me. Ever. And he’ll hide behind his daughter and shitbag ex until the end of time. And it’ll destroy every relationship he ever has. What a coward. What a fucking coward.

He doesn’t know about the one night stand. I’m not gonna tell him. To be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s at least messaging someone else. Maybe he’s moved on already? He’s online a lot on one particular messaging service, and the only person he uses that service for is me. And his POF conquests. Perhaps he’s already picked up the next little blonde thing that will amuse him until they want commitment and then he’ll throw it all away, just like he did with me. He has made me feel worthless. That’s not love, that’s bullshit.

***22 hours later***

Well I woke up this morning and I messaged him. “Have you moved on already?”

He’s always online. He’s always talking to someone. He’s met someone else. I know it. He kept avoiding the question. “What do you mean?”, “No I don’t think you’re stupid” etc. Well he’s pretty much confirmed that then. He couldn’t answer the question.

We had a big fight. He sent this big message saying that he knew he had done wrong by not sorting the Ex out and having bad admin, letting himself go, etc. But I had made a massive mistake by meeting up with The Fireman and My Mr. Grey – two ex boyfriends. I had essentially had two ‘dates’ with them.

Really? I can list the things that I’ve done wrong in this relationship on one hand. Listing his would take much, much longer. How fucking dare he turn this around on me? We had a massive fight. Screaming at each other down the phone, not listening to each other, not giving each other a chance to say a single word. I was furious. All through our relationship he has been messaging other girls little messages saying things like “I’m only with her because you won’t have me” and other such bullshit. I have never once brought it up because I trust him and I honestly felt as if it were a bit of cheeky banter. I’ve never brought it up to him and I’ve never made it a big deal. Guys do that. Girls do that too. I’m a big fan of a cheeky bit of flirting with someone you’re not allowed to in order to boost your ego and confidence from time to time. I’m just saying I understand it. To be honest, I’ve never wanted to think about it.

Plus he was on POF. He had two accounts on POF. I never saw them online and I didn’t think he was using them, but his profiles were still on there. Apparently the second one was to check up on me to make sure I wasn’t still dating other guys at the beginning of our relationship. I chose to believe that.

These were two things that would potentially destroy another relationship but I chose to let them slide and move on. I’ve never brought these things up to him, they’ve never come up in fights or rows.

I brought these up in the fight. I don’t think he expected that. It got nasty real quick and before I knew it, he was threatening to hang up on me because I wasn’t listening to him, and I was engulfed in great gulping sobs, unable to get my words out. This breakup is brutal and it’s really starting to get to me.

In the end I had to hang up. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t listen to it. It was breaking my heart. He doesn’t love me anymore. He didn’t say it but I can hear it in his voice. We’re finished slash he’s over it. Its time to face facts darlin’, you really screwed this one up.

One last message:

“I can’t keep doing this to myself. This breakup is driving me crazy. I won’t message you anymore. You’ve made yourself clear.”

Number 42.

I grabbed his hand and lead him out of the club. We didn’t even say goodbye to the other work guys we were there with. They totally know what happened. How could they not?

Walking the short distance to mine and he started to chicken out – “I don’t know if I’ve got the balls to do this“, “What if I’m not good enough?“, “What if I can’t satisfy you?“, etc. I’d never seen this side of him before. Never, ever have I heard him doubt his ability to do anything. It was an eye-opening experience. That’s for sure.

He’s the guy I talk about in Dipping Your Pen In The Office Ink? And now he’s number 42 on my listYou can’t leave me alone for five minutes. My vagina is ruling my life. I’ve officially fucked a work colleague now. Well technically not – we don’t actually work together anymore. It was his leaving party.

The night is a blur if I’m honest. I can’t remember a lot. I remember him getting emotional and I’m sure I shed a tear or two. I do remember him moaning with pleasure as I rode his cock. I also remember the “Wow!” that escaped his lips as I slid my mouth down the length of him. His lust for me had grown for two and a half years. It was an explosive event. I made his night. From the messages he was sending on his way home after I kicked him out at 5am, it’s a night he won’t be forgetting for a while! I remember the way his hands felt on my breasts, and how hard I came to climax, gushing over his hand as he deftly brought me to orgasm. His earlier emotional outburst had been completely unjustified. I don’t know if it was the two and half years of sexual innuendos working as extended foreplay, but I’m pretty sure we both had a fabulous time.

It was just a one time thing. We both knew that. We said as much before the event actually happened. It probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had but I don’t regret it. I had fun. To get over someone you need to get under someone else and all that…. Right? Frivolous, passionate, sweaty, wet, loud fucking. That’s what it was.

He left with scratch marks all over his torso. I’ve got a hickey on my neck. We’re clearly fifteen years old again. How the hell am I gonna explain that? As if the guys at work needed any more reason to believe something happened.

I also think that the event itself may have turned his lust into something else. He’s been texting me all day. He’s flirting with me. It’s all winky faces and requests for round two. I wasn’t going to tell anyone but he’s not that bothered if people find out. I’m pretty sure he’s already told at least one person. I know he wants to boast about the conquest. He’s been trying for long enough. Bless him.

Of course, this all presents me with one more very large problem…. Jock. I messaged him today in my hungover, needy state. I can’t tell him. Oh god no. I want him back. I really do. I messaged him and said that I was sorry for the way it all ended. It’s an opening. We talked for a while. I’m just gonna see what happens. I don’t know what I need from him, or what exactly needs to change for us to work but I’m am prepared to give it another shot. As fun as my night of exciting sex with someone new was, I couldn’t help but pine for the hands and lips of my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. I pined for the warmth of his arms around me when I woke up in the morning.

Honestly though, I’m still in shock over my kinky one night stand. I cannot believe that happened. I’m such a slut. I had no inhibitions either. I was in control. It was my game. We were doing it my way. On the way home, halfway through his emotional breakdown, I stopped on the middle of the street, handed him my shoes, took my panties off, and placed them in his hands. I looked him right in the eyes – “We’re almost there!

Who does that? I know it was 3am and there was no one else around but seriously, who does that?! Well, me clearly. What a tramp. I didn’t feel trampy though. It felt good. I was empowered. He’s relatively inexperienced and I’m pretty good in bed. I know what I’m doing. I knew exactly how to ride him to make him feel the warmth of my pussy as it tightly clamped around his dick. I knew it was gonna rock his world and I played my role as his sock-rocker-offer flawlessly. Well, the stuff I remember all seems pretty hot anyway.

He wants to do it again. He’s made that very clear. I do too. Not regularly of course. But I don’t mind being his booty call if he’ll be mine. It’s something to assist me through my breakup. And it’s fun. Why the fuck not?

Wow. 42 guys. That’s kinda a lot. I really am a slut.

Sad Love Songs.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I hate this. This was not how this was meant to go down. He was meant to have given me the big, grand romantic gesture that showed me he was serious about our future together. He was meant to have turned up and promised me bigger and better things. Even if he had no intentions of delivering them, he should have still promised them. Isn’t that the point of break-ups? Was it really so bad that he consider this to be a blessing?

I was walking to work this morning and our song, “All Of Me” by John Legend, came on. My heart skipped a beat. I burst into tears. In public. Well, hardly in public, it was on the centre of a big green so it was OK… No one saw it. But I still cried. In public! I’ve got some sort of post-traumatic-relationship-breakdown happening. I didn’t care two weeks ago when we were actually breaking up. Now it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks.

He wasn’t perfect. I know he wasn’t. I know you all hated him and think this breakup is a blessing in disguise. But it’s not. I can’t help but think I have made a terrible, terrible mistake. I was mad at him but I didn’t want us to break up… Did I? I was so sure at the time but now I’m not. Now all I can think is how much I miss him. All the godamn fucking time. And it’s killing me. And I hate it.

I know breakups aren’t meant to be pretty. I know I’m meant to cry and eat ice cream and wallow in self pity for a few days but this doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right about this decision. I am miserable without him in my life. And I want him back. The only problem with this is the fact that I think I’ve managed to hurt him more than he ever hurt me. I said some real personal things and I was really angry. I love him. I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that. That’s not nice. I’m so sorry I said spiteful things. I’m so sorry that I took my anger out on him. I know a lot of it was because of his situation but he did at least talk to her… It may have been later than anticipated but didn’t he still do what I had been asking of him all along? Sort his bitch-Ex out? Wasn’t that all I wanted in the first place?

The problem we have here is that I don’t think he’d talk to me now. I think we’ve said and done too much now. We’ve been too personal and we’ve left it too long. Now all that’s left is for me to cry it out with sad love songs. Sad, sad love songs. The problem with that is every song reminds me of him. And it hurts. I wish he’d just message me back! 😦

The Facebook Unfriend.

I was furious when I woke up this morning. I was furious because I finally gave in and text my Beautiful Tattooed Jock yesterday and he ignored me. A bunch of his Xmas presents had arrived because this year, I was determined to be on the ball, and I figured I may as well still give them to him so I asked for his address.

He moaned about work and I realised I didn’t have to listen to his shit anymore.

“Change jobs then. Your couldn’t-give-a-fuck attitude destroyed our relationship. Don’t let it destroy your life too.”

He didn’t respond. Later on I sent him a little quote:

I'm So Sad.

He didn’t respond. I could see that he had read the message, yet he chose not to respond. He was ignoring me. He ignored me.

The only thing that came out me this morning when I woke up was fury and tears. I cried my eyes out for about 45 minutes straight. Great big heaving sobs into my duvet, almost doubled over because I was crying so hard. I messaged him out of anger:

“Right well I guess I’m not that important anymore. Funny how fast everything changes in a week or so, isn’t it? Take it easy… I’m assuming you’ll have told your mother, etc.? Thanks for wasting my time, and then when I had a bit more faith, wasting it again. 

But then, I was never that important lol. I’m such an idiot. Well I hope you enjoyed me being your little blonde thing. At least I know now. And I’ll stop wasting my time. Thanks a lot. Just goes to show!”

I was so angry. I’m so sad. I’m a fireball of emotions right now. I don’t know how to handle any of them.

I’m furious at him for giving up. It literally went like this – Me: It’s over. Him: OK then.

There was no fight. No fireworks. No effort on his part. Just like the entire way through our relationship. He didn’t bother getting me a birthday present and he didn’t bother even trying to save our relationship. And at times, in fact, when the fucking bitch Ex wasn’t around, it was beautiful. And then she came and fucked it all up and won. She won him back. He might not realise it yet but she has.

Then tonight, after still no response, nothing for my early morning outburst, he put this up as his status: “Some people have got a f**king nerve I tell you!!!!” 

Was that status for my benefit? If that’s the case, is he really saying the break down in our relationship was MY fault? I seriously hope not. I really do hope not. I don’t really understand it… Why would he put that up? I need to unfriend him but I can’t. A part of me still can’t do it. What the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe I should go have a cheeky herbal smoke and come back… What a good idea.

Be right back.

So I didn’t come right back. I went to sleep. And I woke up this morning in the saddest of moods. I don’t have work until much later on so I did the only think I knew to do – I smoked one of my little herbal cigarettes and sat down to finish my post. I’ve never smoked before work before. Today just called for it.

I unfriended him. That was the first thing I did when I woke up this morning. I don’t know if he’s back at work or not so I’m not even sure he’ll notice. I’m utterly devastated that this ended up like this. I can’t believe this has ended up like this. I loved that guy. I still love that guy. For all his flaws and confusions, I still wanted everything about him. I just needed him to stand up and be a man and instead of doing just that, he refused to budge and we ended up breaking up. How the fuck has this happened?

I’m so sad.