Something’s not right at all. You want to know how I know that something isn’t right? I’ve not blogged in ages, I’m smoking far too much pot, and I started stalking Big Love on Facebook again. It’s funny how he comes creeping around every now and again. In my head at least, anyway.
I was having a look through my messages to find something form a while back, and I came across the last lot of messages we had sent each other. I can’t remember if I told you but the night of the Summer Ball with Jock (where he abandoned me all by myself, with people I didn’t know for the entire evening), I took a gram of coke and started a conversation with Big Love. That’s what happens when I take cocaine. Everything reminds me of him.
Something was different when I reminisced through the little chat we had. And the chats we had before that, before I left, when everything was falling apart. This time there was no picture. Plus his name was greyed out. It would appear that his Facebook profile is on lockdown.
I wonder why? I know what I think it is, of course. The trouble is I’m not really sure why I care. I’m not sure why I felt he need to read those messages. I don’t know why I felt the need to delve a little bit deeper. In fact, that’s all utter bullshit. It’s because I’m bored.
Jock and I are just poodling along. Nothing is really wrong but nothing seems really right either. I’m not feeling the spark that we had between us right at the beginning. I think I’m starting to lose patience. I’m starting to get bored of waiting for him to get his act together. I’m bored of waiting to have kids. I’m bored of waiting to move in together. I’m bored of waiting. It’s coming up to a year and a half now and it’s still like we’re dating. One thing has changed… He is pushing forward the idea of me meeting his step-kid. Apparently, after another shitty spell with the ex, he has put his foot down and ‘told her how it is’ – I WILL be meeting the brat, and we WILL be starting a family. He says he’s done that but honestly, I don’t think he has. He has no gumption when it comes to her. Not in the slightest. It’s pathetic.
I want to have kids. My biological clock has been ticking away and doing it’s thing for a while now and that has been evident to us both. I’ve made it perfectly clear that I’m going to want to have a baby in the next 18 months or so. I don’t want to be over thirty when I fall pregnant. That wasn’t in my plans. I need him to sort himself out financially and he is showing absolutely no signs of doing so. He still hasn’t paid a parking ticket that he got months ago. It’s like watching a child. When is he gonna sort himself out? He keeps telling me he’s going to, but he’s not doing it. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe he is nothing more than a child himself, avoiding the responsibility of actual responsibility? Something needs to change soon. I’m getting super bored. Super bored of the routine that I make no effort of getting us out of. I didn’t even enjoy sex the last time he was here. I mean, I enjoyed it because I came, but I don’t feel like there was much of an emotional connection. I know that sounds like bullshit but girls out there – you know what I mean, right?
I said I’d give it six more months. When was that? Maybe I should take a look back and see when I said that. It’s gotta be getting close. Too close?