We had a chat today, Jock and I. I told him that I was sick of waiting. I was sick of waiting for him to catch up to where I was. How I was sorting my shit out and getting out of debt, trying to start to create us a life together. A life where we live together in a pretty little house, with a pretty little bulldog, and a pretty little baby boy. Or girl. Either really. I’d love a boy though. Although I would like to dress up a little girl all cute and stuff. I guess I don’t really care.
I just want a baby.
I don’t really believe how quick this has all happened to me. I went from no-baby to baby-me-up-right-this-fucking-second in less than 6 months. That’s all it took for Jock to steal my heart and whisk me off my feet. I guess when you know, you know. That bullshit is all true. With him, I know. His grey hair and fat belly – we shouldn’t work on the outside. But on the inside, although it’s been shitty recently, it does work. He does make me happy… most of the time. Well, perhaps not so much recently but he does. We can all see that… Can’t we?
I go back to one point left by Karen on my last blog post – she doesn’t see the good stuff so maybe all everybody reads is the bad. After looking back I realised that I don’t write enough about the good stuff. I briefly mentioned our sex last time but honestly, it was pretty mind-blowing. I was riding him, rocking back and forth. I remember him playing with my nipples. I remember it feeling sensational. I remember watching his eyes roll into the back of his head as he came, and feel the strength of his fists as they grasped around my thighs. When did I stop talking about our sex? I used to talk about our sex all the time. When did it become oh so ‘normal’?
I’ve got the Sex And The City movie on as background noise while I try and make my way through a pile of work that has found itself on my desk – the scene where Big just grabs Carrie and kisses her on the balcony. I want that. I want to be able to jump his bones whenever I want. I’m sick of only being able to see him once a week, if that, and if then only for a day or so at a time. We don’t see each other enough and when we don’t see each other, we start to fight. I want us to move in together. We are so far away from that.
My Mr. Grey has been back on the scene a lot recently. He keeps popping up. I’ve put some pretty cool ‘selfie’s’ on Facebook recently – you know the ones… The ones where you think you look really super cool and beautiful? Well, he’s privately messaged me to tell me how beautiful I am after each and every one of them. You remember what he said after the Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer, right?
Why does he do this? He has this funny way of popping up when I’m not having a great time in my relationship. He pops up and then he seduces me with the idea of great sex and a happy ever after I’m never gonna get. Not from him anyway. Apparently not from Jock either.
My head’s all over the place right now. I’m torn. How long is it gonna take for him to catch up with me? Everything is seemingly fabulous so what’s up with this? Why can’t we seem to get this right? I’m always waiting for him or he’s waiting for me. When did we stop being on the same wavelength? When did it all get so complicated? What happened to the days when I was just content to sit on the couch and rest my head on his tummy? What happened to the days when we used to spend all day in bed, touching, nibbling, kissing, sucking… Just for no reason whatsoever? When did that stop happening to us? Is it just something that happens after a while with every guy? The flirting goes? The touching stops? Everything becomes a little routine?
Have we become a little routine?