Go figure. I’m pissed off again. We (Jock and I) had a few weeks of floating along fairly decently, one night of excellence, and then a whole day of shit after shit after shit. We’re back here again, huh?
His car broke down. The piece of shit car I told him I didn’t like. Sorry, I hated. He couldn’t come and get me last night but I decided to brave it and get the train – make my way over to his for a change. It was traumatising. I get the worst social anxiety when I’m on public transport, mostly because I have ZERO geographical skills and I get lost. All the time. In the worst of places. Normally with no mobile phone signal. Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls like that at you, doesn’t it?
I made it to his but barely. The promise was that we would have a great, chilled out night, he’d get up early, get the car sorted and then we’d make a plan. He was just waiting for the parts to turn up. So, at 11am, he went off with The Redneck to fix the car man-style.
A couple of hours later, he came back in all dirty, oiled-up hands and a dodgy look on his face. They had sent the wrong part but him and The Redneck were going to go find one and sort it out. A couple of hours later, he was back and they were working on the car again.
At 6pm, The Redneck got called into work. At this point, Jock decides to come get me. He needs me to start the car while he fiddles with some dooby-didget.
Now don’t get me wrong, I tried to get involved. I got my hands dirty. After all, it was 6pm and he had already spent 7 hours away from me, his girlfriend, with The Redneck, who I’ve started to call his boyfriend. I poked the appropriate bits of the car, and held bits out the way when he needed to. I started the car when I was told to, and revved it a bit. Nothing worked though. This sodding car would not just sit at idle and kept stalling every time. 8pm came and went and I finally gave in and called… My Mother.
Yep, that’s right. At 28 years old, I had to get my Mama Bear and her boyfriend to come and give us a hand. I needed to be rescued. Her boyfriend is a mechanic so he was bound to know what he was doing. They turned up and a few tries later, they took me home when they realised nothing would work. In between this time, they went for dinner and came back for me, but Jock and I had an almighty shouting match. It was quite the spectacle.
I was infuriated. The one thing I had said to him before I got on the train was that if he was going to spend the entire day with his boyfriend (The Redneck) working on the car, there was no point in me coming. I wasn’t going to sit at his and stare at four walls all day while he was off pretending to be a man. He assured me that wouldn’t happen. In fact, he promised me that wouldn’t happen.
We’ve been really snappy with each other for a while so last night was beautifully refreshing. We were loved up and snuggly, and we had FANTASTIC sex. His toes curled. So did mine. I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face. I even got up and made HIM tea! 😉
Then he went off with The Redneck and that was it; I had lost him. He had gone into man-world and there was no hope of getting him back. It was just like when he took me to the summer ball and forgot I was there. I’m seriously starting to wonder if this guy would even know whether or not I was around. The Redneck is pissing me off too. He’s always on the phone to Jock, hence the boyfriend reference, and Jock will literally drop me like a piece of garbage whenever The Redneck clicks his fingers. It’s fucking irritating.
He got shitty with me, of course. It’s not like he wanted to spend 11 hours (by the end of it all) working on the car when he should have been spending time with me, and he needs the car for work, and blah, blah, blah. Honestly, at this point, I had pretty much stopped listening. I didn’t give a shit. He had abandoned me again. AGAIN!? And it’s always something too – his daughter, the Ex, the Ex’s dog, The Redneck, his mate’s wife… There’s always fucking something. There’s always something more important than me. I’m never at the top of his priority list. He takes for granted that I’ll sit there fucking waiting for him and what makes it worse is that when I get annoyed about it, he all but calls me a fucking brat!?
Are you for real?
Is it really too much to ask that when I brave public transport to get to his house that he doesn’t forget I’m around?! It’s like everything has to be his way, even though he’s adamant it’s the other way round. This is bullshit.
Where’s the guy that was gonna get himself out of debt for me so that we could make babies? What happened to the guy that said he always landed on his feet? What happened to my boyfriend? He got fat, he got grey, he grew a beard, and he stopped giving a shit. It’s not even a good beard. He looks like a homeless pirate. And I told him that to his face too.
He’s not doing any of the things that we planned, and I know life has a funny way of fucking plans up but honestly…? I’ve paid off one of my debts. That’s a big deal for me. I have a shopping problem. If I can start to sort my shit out so that we can have our happy ever after, why the fuck isn’t he putting any effort in?
We’ve been together 13 months and I’m 28 now. I don’t want to be a 30 year old mama so he’s really gonna need to start pulling his finger out. I’ve decided to give it six months. I can’t quite believe I’m saying this about the guy that I fell quite so spectacularly in love with, but if we’re no closer to where we need to be heading in six months time, we don’t have a future together. If I need to wait for him to sort his shit out and be an adult before I have the happy ever after with the beautiful wedding and kids, I’ll be waiting forever. That has become oh so crystal clear.
When the fuck did this get so complicated? I told him not to get that fucking car. Why can’t he just get a sensible car that doesn’t break down instead of a ‘money-maker’ or a ‘classic’?
Why can’t we just have a normal fucking relationship?