I love my Beautiful Tattooed Jock, and sex with him is the best thing since sliced bread as far as I’m concerned. BUT, and this is a big but, the one thing we don’t seem to have down quite yet is the whole ‘morning sex’ thing.
I’m a girl, he’s a guy; I get there are differences here. He doesn’t give a shit about morning breath, for example, but his morning stench makes me gag. He doesn’t mind pumping away for ages but I get bored after a while… I get that we are going to have different priorities here but there are some factors that are non-negotiable.
I decided to write down the unspoken rules of morning sex just to get things nice and clear.
1 – Wake me up but be nice about it.
I have no issues being woken up by my guy and his wandering hands or dick but for fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna do it, do it nicely. Caress my neck with your fingers, kiss my collarbone, twirl your tongue around my nipples…
Stabbing me in the small of the back with your morning wood is not going to make me wet. Nor is you poking and prodding away with your fingers at my sore vagina, caused by the great sex we had last night.
Which brings me nicely to my next point…
2 – Poking & proddin’ ain’t gonna work.
Right, if you’ve had sex the night before, or even a couple of nights before, there’s a good chance that my vagina is still going to be a bit sore. It’s swollen and hurts a bit. That means I’m sensitive. If you’re going to gently caress me to orgasm in the morning light, actually do it gently. Sticking a finger in and wiggling it around hurts. Gently circling my clit with your lubricated (spit) fingertip doesn’t hurt. Think about it.
3 – It’ll take a while to get my juices flowing.
In the morning, it takes a while for most things to happen. I’m never fully awake before a cup of tea. I can’t function properly at work until I’ve had that first cup of barista coffee. I have a system – wake up, drink tea, go to work, have coffee, be human. That’s how it goes.
If you try and make me do stuff before that system of events have happened, it’s not going to go right. In the morning, if you try to have sex with me, you need to work that little bit harder before I’m wet enough to proceed. You get me? If you want to have morning sex with me, be prepared to play around for a little while longer. If it’s not wet yet, don’t put it in yet. Simples.
4 – Don’t go down on her…
…if you came inside her the night before. This has actually happened to me – Big Love came inside me the night before on a benderific night out. He went to help lubricate things along the next morning only to be met by THAT smell that you only smell in the morning after a naughty night.
Come on girls and guys – you know what I’m talking about here. It’s him mixed with her after it’s been left to mix together all night in the sweaty crevice between her legs. It’s gross. Some guys say they don’t care about licking themselves outta you but with that stench, both of you are going to be embarrassed. Do yourself a favour and just don’t even try to go anywhere down near that region. Anything below the nipples is going to make her squirm uncomfortably, scared that you’re going to get a good whiff.
Oh and it should go without saying that alongside cunnilingus, anal sex is most definitely NOT COOL first thing in the morning.
5 – Pee first.
Guys – you can’t climax until after you’ve peed in the morning. You’ll be hard for hours but we know it’s the wrong kinda hard. Just get up and pee first. It only takes a couple of minutes.
6 – Hours = not fun.
Firstly, we’ve all got shit to get done on our days off.
Secondly, after a while I’m going to go dry and it’s going to start hurting. Once again, this is even more so the case if we had sex last night too.
Thirdly, we know that you can’t climax because you didn’t go and pee first. If I’ve done my business at least once (preferably twice), you’re probably good just to give up.
Anyway after about half an hour of straight-wakeup-morning sex, I’m going to be gagging for a drink…
7 – NO FACE TO FACE.
I can’t believe how many guys are still ignoring this rule. I’ve already mentioned your morning breath. It’s disgusting. Don’t talk to me. Don’t breathe in my direction. Don’t try to kiss my lips. Don’t come anywhere near me or my face with that putrid smell coming out of you. I will try and avoid the same.
Spooning is one of the only acceptable positions for morning sex. Doggy is a bit too dirty. Cowgirl is a bit risky because I probably don’t look that great. Definitely not missionary. That’s too close. Reverse cowgirl is a bit dodgy (think of the morning farts) and being bent over the bed is also terribly questionable. Stick with spooning – it’s the easiest option.
Unless you’re gonna get up and brush your teeth first, and make me brush mine too. Then we’re good with missionary. Honestly though, who’s prepared enough for that? I never remember to have mints next to the bed for when I have company.
8 – There’s gonna be stubble – accept it.
If she shaved for you last night, there’s a good chance that there will be stubble by the time you get around to the second sitting in the morning. Don’t talk about it. Don’t draw her attention to it. Don’t even react to it. Get used to it. Accept it. The more you sleep with us, the worse it’ll get. Long-term-relationshipper’s can go months without shaving their legs or bikini lines. Ask them.
9 – She’s not gonna look pretty – accept it.
Honestly, I’m hideous in the morning. My hair is standing up all over the place, there’s a good chance I’ve got panda eyes because I didn’t take my makeup off last night because I’m lazy, my face is all puffy in the morning when I first wake up, and I’ve got a badass attitude with a mouth and scowl to match it.
Why would you want to sexy up with that beast?
Girls aren’t pretty first thing in the morning. Girls are pretty about an hour after they wake up once they’ve showered, washed, dried and styled their hair, and slapped enough makeup to impress a TOWIE regular. Oh, and they’ve had a cup of tea/coffee.
10 – Cuppa Tea.
The only way to end morning sex is with a cup of tea. You get in that kitchen and make me tea. I’ll love you for the rest of the day. Strong but with enough milk to make it drinkable almost straight away please, and with two level sugars.