Something happens to a girl when she starts her period. The usually loving, good-spirited, warm-hearted woman that you have come to know and love will turn into an absolute monster. Overnight. Without any reason.
You’ll go to bed fine. You’ll blissfully sleep, safe in the knowledge that she’ll be right next to you when you wake up and then when you do, shit goes down. WTF?
She’ll be breathing fire. She will hate your guts. She will want to throw things at you because you’re breathing at her with your vile morning breath. You got her bacon sandwich wrong too. She wanted brown sauce, not ketchup. The coffee won’t be strong enough and there’s definitely not enough sugar in it. Where did you put her other fucking shoe? She’s going to be late for work now. She hopes you’re fucking happy.
Familiar? Don’t worry guys – you’re not the only one.
I’m such a bitch to my other half when I’m menstruating. I hate sharing a bed with him because my core body temperature rises when I’m on my period, so him being anywhere near me turns my bed into an oven. I’m sweating and when our body touches, we sweat together. It’s disgusting. Get out of my bed.
I hate every snore sound he makes and it keeps me up all night. I hate that he wakes me up in the morning to make me tea. Just go make me tea and shut the fuck up godamnit. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have started a conversation. It’s as simple as that.
The first couple of days for me are the worst. I feel sorry for my other half. One minute I’m fine, craving cuddles and affection, snuggling up together on the couch and the next minute, I’m ripping his head off for something he did six months ago. It’s not my fault. It’s not your girlfriend’s fault either. She’s a bitch right now because of her hormones.
The next three to five days are going to be a nightmare boys but don’t worry, because it’s a nightmare for her too. She’s irritable and it feels like a giant fist is clamping down around her uterus and twisting it. She’s too hot all the time. She’s on the brink of tears most days and she’s not entirely sure why. You irritate her. So do her friends. She doesn’t want to answer the phone to her mother, and if you think she’s going to want to go to the pub to watch the football tonight with you, you’re very much mistaken. At this point, she has nothing to wear. And you’re a prick.
She’ll be a bit swollen and puffy because of the hormones, and she may be retaining a lot of water. Everything she wears will make her look fat. She’s not exaggerating. That’s the image her hormones are making her see when she looks at herself in the mirror. Her feet are swollen too so she can’t wear any of the shoes she has in her closet. And her face has broken out in spots because of those fucking hormones again, so she’s not feeling at her best.
Don’t rally around her or try to make her comfortable. You’ll piss her off. Don’t offer to make her a cup of tea, just go and make it. If she doesn’t want it, she won’t drink it. Chances are she will. Put paracetamol or other pain killers directly in front of her but don’t say anything about it. Don’t expect thanks or a hint of a smile from her. If she’s in a lot of pain or particularly emotional, a tub of Ben & Jerry’s will earn you some serious brownie points. A large bar of Galaxy doesn’t go amiss either. Again, don’t expect thanks and don’t offer it to her. Just put it down in front of her and hope for the best. That’s all you can do.
She doesn’t look fat. She doesn’t look like she is spotty. She isn’t a grump. That’s what you need to keep chanting in your mind if you want to make it through this week. She’s your girlfriend and you love her. It’s not her fault. It’s her hormones. The other three weeks of the month are going to be fine… It’s just a few of days away.
Don’t try to have sex with her but if she wants it, go with it. Just remember to put towels down first. Don’t try to get her to give you head because ‘you shouldn’t miss out just because she is’. If you try, you deserve the punch in the face you are undoubtedly going to get. However, if she offers, accept it gracefully, regardless of how knackered you think you are, and how little you can be bothered.
Just do what she wants really. Do what she wants and keep quiet. It’s gonna happen at least once a month so you’d best get used to it now. It doesn’t get any better with age, and she won’t get any nicer the longer you’ve been together.
But chin up guys; she’ll get to 40-something and ‘dry up’ anyway.