It’s the third day of Jock and I not talking… again. I don’t get what’s up with us recently. We just can’t seem to get our shit together. It’s like we were all ‘in sync’ and now we’re not. We can’t get our schedules to work together. We’re never in the same mood at the same time anymore. It’s like we’ve just lost whatever it is we had. I still love him to death and I’m pretty sure the same could be said for him about me too, but it’s not working. I can’t work out what has happened.
The drunken fight on Saturday night; that was most definitely my fault and I whole-heartedly put my hands up to this fact. But he needs to take some responsibility too, surely? He needs to take responsibility for the fact that he’s a 36 year old man still running away from his debts. He needs to take responsibility for the fact that he’s a 36 year old man living in someone’s trailer. He hasn’t had the easiest life and I get this, but he needs to take responsibility for something, surely?
I’m so frustrated. In every way that someone can be frustrated. I’m sexually frustrated because I can’t get my boyfriend to have sex with me. I’m frustrated because I’m struggling with money. I’m frustrated because my Mama is an idiot and needs a good, hard slap. I’m frustrated because right now, I can’t stand my day job. I’m frustrated because my writing career seems to be at a standstill. I’m frustrated because I’m going to be 28 years old in a couple weeks, and I’m freaking out because I’m not where I said I wanted to be at the age of 28. It’s hardly like I have ‘real’ life problems, but at the same time, I’m so frustrated with EVERYTHING.
I love this guy so much. I can imagine my whole life with him. I don’t care that people look at us funny, or question my motives for being with him. I don’t care that sometimes he’s too loud or brashy, or that he’s completely inappropriate at totally inappropriate times. I love him. I love all of him. I even love him right now, even though we aren’t talking and it feels like we’re in the middle of a huge fight. But he’s not moving in the right direction for me. He keeps telling me I’m ‘The One’ yet he’s not taking the steps needed to make me “The One’. If I was really ‘The One’, wouldn’t he be trying to get himself out of debt so that we can do the whole proper relationship stuff – things like moving in, getting engaged, thinking about kids, etc? I know we’ve only been together for a year but he’s no spring chicken, let’s face it. If I’m starting to think about a future for us, why isn’t he? Or if he is, why isn’t he making the effort to make it happen? Maybe we’re not on the same page like I thought we were. Maybe I’m further into this relationship than he is? Sometimes it feels as if we are completely in sync and at other times, like right now, it feels like we couldn’t be further away. What do I do?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find the perfect man to have your kids with? I only want to do this the once, if I even want to do it at all, and I want it to be perfect. I don’t want to end up breaking up and being a single mum. I don’t want to be one of those girls that push their stroller’s down the high street, bashing into my ankles as they plod along too slowly, angry with the world because they are exactly like the other single mums that have been abandoned by the father of their child/children. I know I’m stereotyping here but seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to pick just ONE man to take that adult step with?
Not that it matters. It’s not like we’re adult enough to make that adult step right now. We haven’t talked in three days. We’re nothing better than kids ourselves.