Actually wrote this a couple of days ago (before the fight) but forgot to post it. Shan’t waste it! 😉
Is it actually possible to be a bit jealous of an eight year old child?
It’s a question I’ve been thinking about for a while, but I know the sort of reaction I’ll get when I talk about it. You knew Jock had a daughter when you first started dating him… She’s a child… How can you be jealous of a child…?!
The chick on the end of the wrath of my green-eyed monster, of course, is Jock’s beautiful daughter. Well, stepdaughter.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s not her. I’m not jealous of HER exactly. I’m just jealous of the situation I guess. I waited for ages for him to turn up the other night, not getting in the shower because I was home alone and I didn’t want him to be sat on the doorstep waiting. He turned up two hours later than expected and it has turned out that he’d popped in to see The Ex and The (Step-)Daughter. Really? He couldn’t have just told me that? Instead of me waiting around, expecting him to arrive at any minute…
This is exactly why I hate dating guys with kids. I’m the centre of attention here. I have to be. If I’m not, it’s just not good enough for me. Tonight, he’s not with me. He’s with his daughter. I have absolutely no problem with that, of course, but I do have a problem with the relationship he’s always going to have with his kid’s mother. Especially seeing as the kid isn’t even his in the first place.
I think part of the problem here is that I don’t understand. My step-father (Papa Smurf) is the greatest man in my life and I adore him, but we barely speak since he left my Mama Bear. He had no interest in me, and although I know he still loves me, I’ve accepted the fact that he’s not really MY dad. He’s my Lil Sis’ dad, but he’s not mine. I’m not bitter, and I’m not angry. I’ve accepted it.
Just like I’ve accepted the fact that my actual father doesn’t want to know me. He has his own family now, with his new wife and his two kids. Maybe even more now, who knows? I’ve not spoken to him in years. Probably about eight in fact. He abandoned my Mama Bear when I was just six months old, and I didn’t speak to him, or even know where he was, up until I reached about 18 years of age. I tried to create a relationship with him but he doesn’t exactly live close, and I got the impression he really wasn’t that bothered about me. Not in a nasty way… I just think the canyon between us was too wide to ever recover from.
I’ve had two father figures; two PROMINENT father figures, walk out of my life. I don’t understand why Jock feels the need to stay around and father a child that isn’t even his. I wholeheartedly respect him, and in fact, love him more because of it, but I don’t understand it. Hence why we have a problem.
Even though I say I’m not bothered when I’m blown out for his daughter, it still really pisses me off on the inside. I normally just tell you guys lol! 😉 It’s so hard to explain because as much as it pisses me off, I would rather he kept that relationship with her than lost it. I guess I just wish her mother wasn’t such a pain in the ass bitch. Things have been quiet recently surrounding her… I think Jock is just keeping everything on the down-low. He knows I’ll have a shit fit if she starts bumping her freaking gums at him again.
It just makes me wonder… If he could keep a relationship with his (Step-)Daughter after almost two years of not being with her mother, he could be the greatest father in the world. If he was still willing to run around after her, and make sure that he was there for her whenever she clicked her fingers, imagine how perfect a father he *COULD* be to our child, if we ever had one. I won’t lie… It’s something I’ve been thinking about recently. Secretly, of course.
I can imagine him being the most awesome daddy. He’s so much fun, and quite childlike in nature. I could imagine any household with him and a child being completely nuts… but a world I think I want to jump right on into. Well, I’m thinking about. It’s further than I’ve ever gotten before so technically, I think we’ve made progress. Could it be that I have started to consider actually having children with this man? I think part of me is just waiting for the day that he turns around to me and says “Hey, why don’t we have a baby?” Him asking is different from me suggesting it… You know?
I know he won’t ever say those words to me. I know he doesn’t want to push the child-conversation any other way than the way I want it. He tells me he’s not bothered if I change my mind or not. He has his (step-)daughter, and that’s good enough for him. I know he doesn’t mean it. I think he knows that I know he doesn’t mean it too. We had a little pregnancy scare a few months back and he really wasn’t fazed by it in the slightest. It was quite unnerving really.
I wonder though – would his relationship with his (step-)daughter be the same if he had his OWN child… with me? I know that The Ex wouldn’t like it AT ALL. That would make things really awkward for us, and I know she would make things really difficult for Jock to see her kid. Our kid and her kid would need to see each regularly, which means that I would need to see her regularly. It just seems like a hole can of worms that I’m not sure I want to open. So complicated, you know?
But then… What if? What if he IS the guy to change my mind about having kids, like my work colleague suggested that one time? What if he IS that guy? I know he’d never bring it up, and I’d never bring it up, so how would it ever come about? If he’s meant to be the guy for me – the one that changes my mind about all of that stuff, wouldn’t I know it by now? Wouldn’t there have been some sort of sign?
Do you have any idea how difficult deciding what man in your life is the RIGHT man to have kids with? I’ll be tied to this person to the rest of my life. What would happen if we weren’t to make it? I’d be the single mother I’ve vowed I’d never be, and a crazy and bitter ex just like the one he has now. I wish I knew. I wish I understood my body and the crazy things I’m thinking. I wish I had a sign!