So… following on from What They Don’t Tell You About Losing Weight (Part One), I thought I’d bring the next instalment of the stupidly annoying things that happen when you lose weight. Let’s face it — most of us have been trying to shed those extra pounds for years so when it does happen, it almost seems too god to be true. I literally lost weight overnight – I wasn’t prepared for it, I wasn’t ready for it, it hit me like a slap in the face. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I’d be doing my duty if I didn’t share with you the things that surprised me the most about being a “Skinny-Minnie!”
So, starting right where we left off… Let’s jump right in!
6 – Say ‘bye to your bling!
I’ve got quite stumpy little fingers so you’d expect weight loss to be a welcome blessing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my thinner fingers, but I can’t wear hardly any of the jewellery that I own. Rings don’t fit anymore. Some of the ones that I used to wear on the “ring” finger (but on the wrong hand) I can get away with now wearing on my thumb, but some of them just aren’t suitable thumb rings. My rings don’t fit me anymore. And funnily enough, neither do some of my bracelets. No one warned me about this when I was trying to lose weight. Fuckers.
7 – They’ll judge your eating patterns.
If you, like me, manage to lose quite a bit of weight in a short period of time, people will judge you. They’ll tell you they aren’t judging you, and they are just worried about you. But they are judging you. If you eat loads, they’ll worry you’re going to get fat again. If you don’t eat, they’ll accuse you of having an eating disorder. If you try to eat a healthy, balanced diet, you’re a health nut and need psychiatric help. I don’t care how much you argue against it, that’s pretty much the long and tall of it. Trust me. I’m almost convinced I have an eating disorder. As I sit here and munch out on honey-nut breakfast cereal at quarter to six in the evening.
8 – Blah, blah, blah.
After a couple of weeks, this is all people are going to hear come out of your mouth. Literally. Blah, blah, blah. Once you start losing weight, that’s it; you’re off. It’s all you’re going to talk about. Check out my new leg muscles. Check out my new arm muscles. I’ve got hip bones I never knew I had. Wow! That’s a collarbone. I’ve got shoulder muscles! Quick, look at these calves!
Seriously, shut the fuck up. I talk about it ALL THE TIME. I’m proud of it. But I seriously need to shut the fuck up. They are sick to the back teeth of hearing it. Trust me, Bestie told me.
9 – You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you.
In the same way that you won’t be able to stop talking about it, you won’t be ably to stop looking at it. You’ll look in the mirror at your new body in the strangest of positions, wearing the oddest of outfits, and doing the oddest of things. The other day I actually stood in front of my mirror wearing superhero pyjama pants with custom made Disney Princess shoes that stood seven inches tall, with a white corset top on. I have no idea how I ended up in that state. I’m pretty sure I still hadn’t wiped off the remnants of last nights makeup so had the whole panda-eye thing going on, and I took a photo of my leg in the shoe. Minus pyjama pant, of course.
You’ll become obsessed with your own body image. It’ll drive you bat shit crazy, if you let it. It’s okay to check yourself out I the mirrors at work, in car window reflections, in the hand mirror you keep in your bag for makeup touch-ups… It’s okay to do this, but make sure that you don’t get caught doing it. You look fucking crazy.
10 – Nah thanks, I don’t drink.
These will be your new favourite words. Do you know why? Because you won’t be able to drink anymore. The average night out will give you the worst three-day hangover of your life, and the smallest of whiffs of wine will knock you on your ass. If you did what I did and stopped drinking (almost) for a year, the one night you do go on a splurge, it’ll kick your ass for days.
You won’t be able to drink the same drinks you used to. Nor will you be able to hold the quantity of booze you once managed. Get prepared for it.
11 – Dear Doctor…
Honestly, if you lose a bit of weight, you’d think it was the end of the world. Most women try for years to lose weight without success, and then one day they find something that works and it completely changes their life… at least for a little while. When you DO eventually manage to shed the flubber, you’ll convince yourself you’ve got cancer. Or diabetes. Or heart disease. Or an infected toenail…
Honestly, it’s ridiculous. I didn’t even realise I was losing weight at first and then bam! It just hit me. I was no the internet, symptom checking at every opportunity. At one point I had convinced myself I was pregnant even though I hadn’t had sex! It was ridiculous. Don’t get carried away with it. If you genuinely think someone is wrong, go get yourself checked out. You might be lucky like me — you might actually be losing weight!
See – I told you it would be a really long ranting post when I started over on Part One! This is another little section to add to the really annoying things they don’t tell you will happen when you start to lose weight.
I love the comments I’ve received on my blog and on Twitter too – I’m glad to know I’m not the only one going through this! Feel free to add your own in the comments beneath too! 🙂
Anyway, have a fab afternoon… Just thought I’d share a bit more. ‘Coz that’s what I do, right?