10 Things it’s Still OK to do at the Age of 27…

It was exactly one year ago today that I wrote the post “10 Things it’s Still OK to do at the Age of 26…” which became one of the most popular posts on the blog at one point. Thanks to all of those that appreciated it 😉

Some things haven’t changed. In fact, none of the previous list has changed at all – I still do all of those things. I feel like I should add things to the list now I’m another year older and apparently wiser (although I’m not sure) so here we go…

10 – It’s okay to still be making mistakes! 

bba9557889b656081af8afed9e78e05aI totally thought I’d have my shit together by now. I’m nowhere near ready to be an adult yet. My boyfriend lives in a trailer, I’m currently only just moving out of the house I shared with family into a house share. A fucking house share. I sound like a tourist.

I’m still making loads of mistakes. I’m still spending far too much money on things that aren’t worth it. I drink too much coffee. I smoke too much pot. I love too hard and too easily. I start fights when they don’t need to be started. I make mistakes each and everyday and you know what; it’s fine because one day, I will eventually learn. Or so my mother keeps telling me.

9 – It’s okay not to be completely over him over two years later!

I wish someone would have told me two years ago that I would still feel like shit about my last “Big” breakup. Big Love is still in my heart and my head almost every day. It’s not as much as it was before but he’s definitely still haunting me in some way. It’s okay though. I have now fully accepted that he is going to be someone that I pine for, for a long time. Girls – it’s okay to find it hard to get over him. You know that post I wrote – How long does it take to get over someone? The answer is years in some cases!

8 – It’s okay to wish for a night of frivolous passion! 

fdfb62f092d7d2ccde0bcf36a1ba5d88Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy with my sex life right now with Jock. More than happy. I’m a very lucky girl, that’s all I’m saying. But… there is a part of me that still lusts after a night of sex that doesn’t make sense like with The Lapdog or My Mr. Grey. A night of drug-fuelled sex, or a night of fisting. I just want the whole world, don’t I? Lol!

Seriously though, is it so bad to want to have the best sex of your life every once in a while? Is there really anything so bad about that? I don’t think so…

7 – It’s okay to change an entire sentence because you couldn’t spell one word!

I do this on a regular basis. For example, I can’t spell the word rhythym. Rhtyhm. Rhythm. Got there in the end but even then, auto-correct needed to lend a hand. If I can’t spell a word, it really frustrates me. To the point where I will even ignore the message altogether if the sentence won’t go right.

6 – It’s okay to do the sniff test on questionable clothing! 

6As much as I would love a closet as organised as Carrie’s in Sex and the City, I’m really a mess when it comes to my personal life so anything less than relatively untidy is pretty optimistic. My room always looks like a bomb has hit it and you know what, I’ve accepted the fact that this is one of my many flaws. I tidy up for when company arrives, of course, but when left to my own devices, I’m pretty much a disaster. I’m always needing to sniff various items of clothing to make sure they are really clean before I put them on. I try to keep the clean and dirty piles separate on the floor but it’s proving to be rather difficult. It’s okay though, once I get rich I’m going to get a cleaner. Or maybe hire my Mama to do my laundry! 😉

5 – It’s okay to cry on your Mama during a blood test! 

Honestly, I may have multiple piercings and tattoos but getting blood tests and having needles anywhere near me seriously affects my chi. I have a habit of hyperventilating out of fear when a needle comes towards me. This means that I often pass out. Luckily, my Mama agrees to come with me on as many occasions as she can, so she’s accepted me crying into her armpit while the nasty nurse stabs me with her painful weapon.

4 – It’s okay to love the TV shows you wanted to hate!

441613e277002f7d612b7b4b5a9e2a2eI really wanted to hate the TV show Breaking Bad with a passion. Everyone raved about it, just like they did with 24, Lost, Prison Break and the rest of them. For the most part, I’ve either completely avoided watching them or didn’t get into them. In the case of Breaking Bad, I was hooked from the very first episode I watched. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should probably give it a shot. It’s the most brilliant TV show, written by an utter genius. Well, that’s my opinion anyway.

The thing is I wanted to hate it. I don’t generally go with the flow or follow conventional fashions. Sadly, I broke into the mainstream spell and loved the TV show. I did try to hate it though…

3 – It’s okay to irrationally strop whenever you feel like it! 

I genuinely feel sorry for Jock because he gets the brunt of my strops when they happen to arise. When I get the right hump, I get the right hump. It’ll be over nothing too, especially if it happens to come at the wrong time of the month, which happens more often than not. I don’t want him to touch me but if he sits on the other couch and doesn’t pay me any attention, I feel unloved. I want food but everything he suggests makes me want to vomit. I want to watch a Disney film but when he puts it on, I get angry at him for turning the TV show I was watching over. God I feel really sorry for the guys out there. You have a lot of shit to deal with.

Girls – it’s okay to have this irrational strop. Any guy worth a chance will just support you through them. Jock has learned how to deal with met almost perfectly. Your guy will too if you train him well!

2 – It’s okay to STILL not have your finances sorted. 

I said it last time and I’ll stay it again. In fact, I think my financial situation is worse than it was a year ago. I’m an expensive girl with an expensive lifestyle it would seem. I’m slowly getting everything back up to scratch again. It’s taking a while but we’re getting there.

1 – It’s still okay to not know what you want! 

a0a6f8c20093c2d0f8d4c7134aed22afI do want to get married but I don’t. I do want kids but I definitely don’t. I do want my day job but I don’t. I do want to be a full time writer but I don’t. I am confident in my work but I’m not. I smoke but I don’t.

I don’t have a clue what the fuck I want, and I’m almost one hundred percent sure I’m not the only one. To be honest, I don’t exactly care at this point. You know that thing they say that you’ll stop giving a fuck with age? It’s actually true. I know I’ve lost weight but at the same time, I’m starting to not have so many hang-up’s about my body. I’m getting more body confident and wearing things I would never have worn before. Who cares if I don’t know what I want? I’ll get where I’m meant to be going, I’m sure.

So there you have them – the ten things I’m still doing at the ripe old age of 27 going on 28. I still got a whole lot of growing up it would seem.

What do you think? Anything you feel like adding to the list? Do you agree with mine? I’d love to know what you think!

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I Bought a Dress.

So guys and girls, I’ve bought this dress. The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and I are going to a party Saturday night. We are heading out to celebrate the engagement of two of our friends. It’s a pretty smart affair; Bestie has bought a new pair of shoes, trousers and a tie for the affair. I bought a new dress.

I need to talk about this dress. I don’t know why this dress has affected me quite so much but I’m pretty sure this is my “coming out” photo. This is it. This is that moment I’ve dreamt of my entire life. I will be stepping out for a night on the town in a size ten dress, feeling confident and looking FANTASTIC.

It’s a long dress; not quite ankle length. The whole back piece is a square of lace. There are two laces waved panels down the sides of the front of the dress. It has a thigh length slit down one side. It’s got the cutest and seriously flattering little cap sleeves too. It’s the perfect dress. It’s a dress literally built for my figure… in theory.

The thing with me is that I very often have fashion ideas in my head but when it comes to piecing them together, it never looks quite as I hoped because I was fat. There’s no hiding this. I’m not running away from it anymore. I was fat. Well, I watched the British version of “The Voice” and there was this incredible girl on it. The second she came onto the screen I was mesmerised. She had a mass of dirty blonde curly hair, bright red lips and beautiful big blue eyes. She was wearing a long red dress and beautiful red shoes. The dress had a thigh high split.

She wasn’t a skinny girl. In fact, she was very curvy. I’d have said a curvy 12-14 (British). She rocked that shit better than anything I’ve ever seen before. Holy shit. If she could do it, I could do it. And that’s where I set to work.

I have been looking at the dress for a few months now. In fact, it’s been almost a year. I didn’t buy it because it didn’t go up to my size. Then when I found myself at a size 14, I put it off because I wouldn’t have anywhere to wear it. Then when I hit a size 12, I didn’t have the balls to wear it. Now I’m managing to fit my fat ass into size 10 jeans, I’ve bought that fucking dress. It’s a cleaner version of what the girl wore on “The Voice”. I already have the matching red shoes, rock eyeliner flicks and red lipstick better than anyone, and I’m sure I could create a mass of curly blonde hair.

I’m so excited for people to see me in this dress. Honestly, earlier on today I didn’t even want to go to the party. Now look at me. Eeeek! I’m so excited! I tried it on and it hugged me in all the right places. I actually look good. Scrap that… I look AMAZING!

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I sent a photo of the dress to Jock. He’s go all silverback gorilla on me again – “All the boys are gonna be hitting on you”. I actually quite like it when he goes silverback from time to time. It’s kinda cute.

So yeah. I bought a dress.

Meet Number 19.

The Bad Memory’s name is that for a reason. This was the best friend of the guy I was dating at the time: Number 20 – RAF Guy. The reason I bring him up is because he seems to be popping into my life more often recently, normally when I’m at work. I guess that’s another one that has crawled out of the woodwork since my recent body transformation. Prick.

9efd148ac4cd55eb355f946ad117632fThe Bad Memory got fat. That was the first thing I noticed when he came in armed with his son and the same leather jacket he wore the night we fucked. He still had the same bad teeth. You know what I mean; you can see the yellow scum literally clinging to his teeth. I remember his teeth being like that all those years ago. About ten years now to be exact. Trust me, sleeping him is not something I openly admit to.

He had BO, a scummy house and rarely showered. I’m not entirely sure why RAF Guy hung around with him but I guess they had been friends for some time. I’m almost one hundred percent sure I’m not the first girl they’ve shared… nor the last.

The night we slept together was after a fight between RAF Guy and I. After an impromptu night in the pub with my work colleagues during which I remember downing at least three full pints of beer, I had called up RAF guy who was away doing this flying-job thing, and I’m not sure what started it, or what happened, but we had a fight. I’m pretty sure The Bad Memory had told me RAF guy had cheated on me…. He was a two-faced slime ball like that.

He offered to take me home because I was blind-drunk but, instead of taking me to my own house, he took me to his and plonked me down in his bed. I remember going downstairs where he was on the couch playing video games, and the next thing I knew, we were back in his bed, full heavy-petting and then I’m almost one hundred percent sure we fucked. I don’t remember it but I found the condom, I KNOW when I’ve had sex, and he was all over me like a fucking rash.

He has always tried to reenact the night I can’t remember, and even though he was dating a mutual friend of ours at the time, his 21st birthday was a party at my house that would end up with a threesome between me, him and his girlfriend. We went out shopping and bought matching corsets, in preparation for the night, and after a heated night of spin the bottle and other sexually charged games, we all headed to get down and dirty.

The only problem with this is that things didn’t exactly go to plan. I didn’t head to bed with them in the quest for a threesome. I ended up in bed with Number 21 – The “Oh My God” Guy. The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With ended up in bed with The Bad Memory and his girlfriend…. It was a pretty drunken night and we all did things that we were ashamed of.

*I must add as a note here that Bestie only screwed her; no gayness. He’d be mortified if I gave that impression so thought I’d best clear that up in case he ever reads this!*

Every time I see The Bad Memory now, I can see the creepy lust in his eyes as he desperately attempts to woo me back so we can reenact that first night of passion. Well, on his side anyway. I can’t imagine I was that good in the sack to be honest, I could barely walk home. He seems to keep hinting at it though. Slime ball.

Anyway, seeing as he keeps popping up in my life, I thought I would give you a little bit of background information. And don’t judge me… We’ve all done THAT bloke, right?

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Jock = Deja Vu?

So I’ve recently realised something that I felt the need to share with you guys… Jock is exactly the same to me as a previous man in my life: Number 24 – The Older Guy.

I’ve mentioned him before in T-Minus 1 Sleep. Meet Number 24. Why not go check it out while you’re here?

There are a lot of comparisons between The Older Guy and my Beautiful Tattooed Jock. For a start, they both have lead military lifestyles. Secondly, they are both older than me by 15 years and 8 years respectively. They both had a beautiful motorbike (even though Jock’s isn’t on the road) and they both had beautiful baby blue eyes that I fell into.

The dates I went on with The Older Guy almost ten years ago were exactly the same as the dates that Jock and I go on now. There are the seaside arcade dates, the lunchtime “nice” dates, trips to the supermarket late at night, kissing and giggling, holding hands as we walk around.

I was his bit of eye candy. It was the classic “Beauty and the Beast” scenario. In fact, this beauty and the beast thing has been going on throughout my relationship with Jock too, and our cute “NYE” photos had a similar hashtag on Instagram.

c11a85da74ff6403e9a77d1211a92fb2They both loved the attention they got when they were out with me. I’m not a regular kinda gal. I’m a cross between punk-rocker and 50’s Rockabilly pinup. I’ll let you figure it out… I’m blonde haired, blue eyed, busty, 5 ft 4 girl and now I’ve lost so much weight, I have that Jessica Rabbit hourglass thing going on – I have a tiny size 10 waist, wide hips, and a 34DD bra size. I know I look good. Just like I knew I looked good when I was with The Older Guy. There are so many similarities; I don’t get how I didn’t see this before.

I got the same out of both relationships – I felt protected and taken care of; they were/are my father figures. They relish being in control, “fathering” me, and I lapped it up like a good little girl.

I reignited both of their sex lives, and they both told me that. I dressed up in cute underwear and played the part I was supposed to play – innocent girl with a badass, dirty side. I was the same back then and I am the same now.

The Older Guy and I never really had an ending. To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure what happened. There was the baby that sprung up out of nowhere, plus the fact that I was only seven years older than his daughter. We just drifted apart. I just hope that same thing doesn’t happen to Jock and I. Saying that, I barely felt anything for The Older Guy. Nothing compared to now with Jock anyway!

Just thought I’d share my thoughts of the day… How’s your Wednesday been?

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Two Years Ago Today…

Guess what I was doing two years ago today, ladies & gentlemen…

Remember The Lapdog? Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve already explained our relationship in rather too much detail over the course of this blog. These ones spring to mind, if you fancy taking a look into the past:

Why Do I Want What I Can’t Have?

What’s Your Number? (He’s number 15)

Well, two years ago today and I was at a wedding with The Lapdog. It was his brother’s wedding and it was an amazing night. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that particular night before. I’ll refresh your memory just in case.

0055f39bc7beadc938d9848622951765We weren’t together at this point but we were most definitely fucking. That night, we fucked good and proper. We went back to the hotel before we even got to the wedding reception and I dropped to my knees in the bathroom as I was touching up my makeup, giving him a little sneak preview into what might happen later on that night.

At the end of the night when everything was getting ready to shut down, a few of us had decided that we weren’t ready to stop drinking and partying just yet, and we headed to a club that was only a few moments down the road from us.

In full attire, the group of us went – the best men still in their suits and the bridesmaids still in their gowns. Before we got to the club, he handed me a small packet he had stored in his wallet… MDMA.

I’m not really sure what this drug is but man does everything feel good when you are on it! The whole night was a blur of dancing and drinking like crazy maniacs, and that was before we even got to the fun bit back at his hotel.

That whole night was full of lust from start to finish, and once the drugs had kicked in, love too. We were so in love with each other that night, everyone told us so. We were oblivious of course; well, I know I was.

We had some crazy sex that night. It was intense but very good. In fact, every time we took MDMA together, the night was astonishingly great. Every time… Especially the sex.

I wonder if The Lapdog remembers what we were doing two years ago today? I wonder if he remembers the sex we had that night. One thing is for sure, I can guarantee that he’s definitely not having that kinda sex with his vanilla girlfriend of a year plus… I’m not having sex like that with Jock. It’s not a bad thing. Just as I was saying to My Mr. Grey the other day though; sometimes I need a really naughty blow out. It’s not the sort of thing I can do with Jock. He’s done with the drug thing. In a way, I’m kinda glad of this but sometimes, like right now, all I want to do is get smashed on every feel-good drug I can get my hands on and party the night away, hopefully wrapping things up with a five hour sex session into the early morning that leaves my pussy on fire and my heart heavy.

It’s just like everything isn’t it? You always want what you can’t have. When I regularly sleep with My Mr. Grey, I crave a “normal” relationship with “normal” sex. Now I’m with Jock and things have quietened down a bit, I’m craving the drug-fuelled fuck tests that I used to have with The Lapdog. Go figure…

The Fucking Ex-Factor

*I meant to upload this yesterday but at Jock’s house, I have no internet!*

Wow things have been mighty quiet from my end recently. My relationship has been going along swimmingly with Jock. We’ve now been together a whole eight months now (in two days time) although sometimes it feels like we’ve been together for years already, we know each other so well. I’ve been working too many hours on top of accepting too many writing projects… I’ve been swamped between trying to earn money, see my better half and hang out with the Bestie. I still haven’t moved house yet. I’m halfway there though…

Well, the first bit of exciting news to tell you is that I’m quitting my day job this year to become a full time writer. I’m super excited about this. I’m only twenty-something so if it doesn’t go to plan, I’m young enough to still find another job. However, the two websites that I started with the work colleague are nicely making me money and it would seem that between those two websites and my writing earnings, I’m making more money than my day job… It just makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Lady of leisure, working in my pyjamas, staying in bed all day…. I know it won’t be like that, of course, but it sure does seem appealing! If there are any full time writers reading this, any advice would be HUGELY and MASSIVELY appreciated!!!

My relationship, as I mentioned, is going well but we have recently had a couple of bumps. The money issue is still a problem but I’m earning quite a bit now so paying for more stuff isn’t really bugging me. The biggest problem we’ve faced is the ex. Oh yes, the ex-factor. Don’t you just love it?

Every time I’m with him she’s on the phone or messaging him in one way or another. This time, I surprised Jock on Saturday by saying that he could come get me. I have a few days off and even though he’s at work, I could write during the day at his and spend time with him in the evenings. He loved the surprise as I only sprung it on him Saturday afternoon, and he came and picked me up.

We spent a quiet night together; he was tired and it was nice to just chill out. No sex though. Clearly this annoyed me.

It was last night, Sunday night, that things got shitty. The ex clicked her fingers, messaged him and written a snotty note on a photo that he had recently posted on Facebook… The (step-)daughter misses him. He told me that he was going to go see her when he finished work. Right Jock… so I surprise you with a sneaky visit, I didn’t get laid and now, you’re finishing at 6pm, getting to hers at about 7pm, perhaps even later, seeing the kid for a couple of hours and then coming home about 9/10m ish, at which point you’ll need to go to bed as you gotta get up at 5am.

What was the point in me coming?

The fight commenced. I was quiet (and high) when he got home and didn’t say much. I didn’t want to have a fight with him when he had just gotten home from a long day. He had finished work early to go and see the kid but conveniently, the ex had taken her out for dinner so he STILL couldn’t see her until much later than they had originally planned anyway! I have a serious issue with this bitch now. She is seriously starting to fuck up my life.

Every time I’m with him, something is happening. The last time I saw him, the dog was dying and he would need to console the kid and take the dog to the vet because the ex wouldn’t be able to do it. That dog still hasn’t died by the way, and this was a couple of weeks ago.

Before that, she needed to see him to tell him that there was a rumour going around that me and him had stated sleeping together before they even broke up. Firstly, they had been split up for almost a year before Jock and I got together. Secondly, why does it even matter? We’ve been together for eight months now. They were broken up for a year or so before that. 18 months later and she’s still talking about it? And worse; listening to rumours. We hadn’t even met when they were together. Stupid bitch. Stupid rumours.

The time before that, it was about a car that had been left at the Redneck’s house, which is where Jock lives. I’m pretty sure I mentioned this before so I won’t repeat myself.

She’s ALWAYS around in one way or another, and the way that she talks to Jock is disgusting and disrespectful. In fact, the way she is with him in general is disgusting and disrespectful. Bitch.

Last night, I let rip at him. He told me the reason he HAD to go see her last night was because he didn’t see her on his last set of days off because I was around. Fuck right off! On his birthday back in December, I FORCED him to go and see the fucking kid. He knows I have no problems with him going to see her. I have never, ever made an issue out of it. I would rather he went to see her on his days off when we have more than a couple of hours together in the first place! Fucking moron. He told me before that he struggles to find the time to go and see her which is bullshit. If he really wanted to see her, he would make time. I make time for him in my busy schedule. That’s a cop out as far as I am concerned.

I told him that my problem has NEVER EVER been with his daughter, or seeing her; it’s about the ex… The fact that I don’t see why they aren’t together still if she still has that much of a hold on him. He explained that he needed to keep her sweet because the kid isn’t his biological child and the ex could cut him out at any moment. This point has already been proven – she has threatened to do this once before and didn’t have the balls to go through with it. She’s full of shit and hot air.

The ex recently got engaged to her new guy and Jock is worried that said new guy will become the kids new “Dad”. Pffft.

It’s just bullshit after bullshit and I’m starting to wonder why he keeps defending her. She’s like it with everyone. It’s not personal to him. If he doesn’t take it personally, why should I? Firstly, if it’s okay for Jock to go “silverback-gorilla” every time another guy so much as glances in my direction, it’s okay for me to have an issue with the bitch that broke his heart but still can’t seem to let him go.

I don’t get why I have such an issue with this bitch. I don’t think it’s jealousy. She’s nothing compared to me and I know it. Yeah she’s a tattoo artist and cool but she’s a bitch with an attitude problem. I’m sure even Jock can see that. I make him happier than he’s ever been before – it’s not just Jock that has told me that. I think the problem is the fact that I can’t deal with coming THIRD in his life between the kid and the ex. I can deal with the kid. It’s never been about her at all. It’s the ex. She shouldn’t still have this much of a hold over him.

So that’s where we are. He’s still at work and the fighting and angry messages are still flowing. One thing is for sure, I’m not staying tonight like I was going to. He hasn’t touched me for two nights. I’m not spending a second night on the couch, or a third night not feeling like I should be here.

Fuck the fucking ex-factor.

It’s been two years.

Two years ago yesterday; the 5th of February, I left the other side of the world and came home. I left Big Love. Maybe I need to think of a new name for him.

Guess what happened yesterday? While I was talking to the Bestie on THAT side of the world, she bumped into him in Subway. She has only seen him a handful of times in two years and on the second anniversary of me leaving, as we are chatting, she bumps into him. What are the chances of that? We don’t even talk that much anymore…

She sent me a photo she had discreetly taken of him as they were both waiting for their food. He was wearing exactly the same outfit he was wearing the night I left. He was wearing the dark blue jeans that I bought him. He was wearing the hoodie he got while we were in the War Zone. I still have the t-shirts to go with that hoodie. They are currently in my “I don’t know what to do with these” pile as I am in the process of moving house.

The only difference between that night and this night? This night I don’t care. I was more annoyed that she had sent me that photo than the photo itself. No longer did I think he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I noticed something too. He has a really flat face. He had a cleft lip/palette and I always adored that about him. From the side-on angle though, he looked a fucking mess.

He had nasty shoes on. He would never have worn nasty shoes if we were still together. There was no sense of style; nothing about him that sparkled in any way. He has lost his sparkle. Or has he just lost his sparkle… in my eyes?

I realized something. I don’t think I love him anymore. As much as every now and again, he still appears in my dreams, it’s not him. It’s not him now that I want; it’s him then. And I’ll never, ever get that guy back. He ruined any appeal that he once held in my opinion.

I didn’t cry yesterday. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to blog about it. I miss him. I miss him everyday. I miss that side of the world too; a lot more than I ever let on. I made the right choice though. That light at the end of the tunnel that I had been searching for, for so long has finally come in the form of my slightest tubby, very grey, man panther.

Things took a long time to turn out right for me but finally, I think they might just be doing in my direction. I’m certainly a lot happier now than I ever have been. I’m so skinny now too. I’m no longer the size 16-18 chunk. I’m a size 10-12 hot chick with defined shoulders and a cracking set of legs. Speaking of which, I have blood tests tomorrow to make sure there’s nothing wrong with me. It would appear that I’ve lost weight at such a fast speed that people are genuinely concerned. Hopefully the blood tests will shut them up and get them off my back.

So that’s it. The second anniversary. I survived. And I’m happy. I just hope that Big Love is too.