Ok. So I have a few things that I need to talk about. I tried to blog about this last night once I had gotten home from Jock’s but honestly; I just wanted to go to bed. It was his birthday on Wednesday. He picked me up Monday night. It was a funny kinda few days…
We had a fight. A stupid fight. I wanted a cute Birthday Brunch with my tattooed birthday boy but he invited the Redneck. I wanted a nice meal and they took me to a little greasy spoon. I wanted to walk hand in hand and look in all the vintage and retro shops in the villages but instead the Redneck drove us in his hill billy towing truck (not that I don’t love it) and by the time we had gotten home again, the weather was dreadful.
He was broke. He’s always broke. This doesn’t bug me but I’m hardly richer than rich right now. I put gas in his car, bought his cigarettes, bought a whole bunch of groceries, got him a bunch of birthday presents, etc. He got spoilt. Now I’m not saying that I have a problem with this at all and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure if I’m allowed to talk about this. After all, people are funny about money. However… I’ve been here before. The only problem with that is the fact that I can see what’s coming.
I sound like a bitch and I know it but I’m looking for an equal to me. I want to be spoilt just as much as I love to spoil. And I do love to spoil. I have no issue putting my hand in my pocket for anything or anyone. I would give away my last penny if it meant someone else being okay. I definitely spoil the man I love which just so happens to be Jock at this moment in time. I love spoiling him. But I’m kinda getting the impression that there’s no helping this guy. He was going to sort out his finances for me. He had a plan. He was going to call up and get his shit sorted. I don’t think he did that. I don’t think he’s ever going to do that. I think he is a man with words but no get-up-and-go when it comes to his finances. It’s so disappointing to see a man with so much fire for everything in life to give up and roll over, preferring to run away from his financial problems rather than stand up and face them like a real man. It’s kinda off-putting. I love this guy but honestly, it’s getting old.
I’ve had the chat with him. I’ve laid an idea of our future right down in front of him. I hoped it would have been the carrot on the stick but I don’t think it was enough to motivate him. I told him that in the future, I would consider living with him but we wouldn’t be able to do that unless he sorted out his money situation. How can we get a place to live if he couldn’t pass the credit check? I see a future for us but I don’t see that all the time he is living in a trailer in the bottom of someone’s yard and living from pay check to pay check, running form his debts. We’ve established that my head has gotten somewhat carried away when it comes to Jock. Look at my Pinterest board. It’s full of wedding ideas from when I spend the nights not being able to sleep, alone in my bed, wishing I was still in his. I run away from the idea of getting married again like it’s the plague but with Jock; I’m not so scared. All of my friends are announcing their pregnancies in explosive ways on Facebook and secretly, somewhere deep down, I’m yearning for a pregnancy scare of my own. I don’t mean that quite like that, but you get the gist of it.
I want everything with this man. I want the whole nine yards and a little bit more. Am I really going to be able to do that with a man that can’t support himself financially. I can’t even believe I’m saying these words as I write them. Am I really that shallow that this money situation is a big deal for me? It’s never been something I’ve been bothered with before but with Jock, something really gets to me about it all.
Now for the other part of the tale…
Did I mention that One Ball came in to see me a while back? Well he came back today. He started with an apology but wanted to know how much it would cost to pay his iPad gift off. His situation has changed. I hissed back at him – “You couldn’t have just emailed me with this bullshit? I’m at work. Stop coming into where I work”
He left. I was furious. He knew my email address to the letter when we were dating, now he can’t remember it at all? I messaged him later on. I told him that it wasn’t okay for him to slag me off like he did and then keep crawling into my work. 10 minutes later, I felt kinda bad. Of course I did. I’ll always have a soft spot for this guy. I apologised. A little bit of polite small talk later and it turns out that he is now a full-time Dad to some of his many brood of kids. Holy shit. Glad I got out of that when I did. He talked about getting his benefits sorted and housing and I realised how unattractive his lack of drive was. Getting his kids was his “Get out of jail free” card. Now he doesn’t need to get a job after his redundancy from the military. I’m sorry but as far as I am concerned, it’s a good thing that we broke up when we did. This would never have worked out if he had his kids full time. It wouldn’t have been long before we broke up. And if that had happened, I wouldn’t have met my beautiful Tattooed Jock. And I love my beautiful Tattooed Jock.
Even still, as I sat in front of my computer this evening, I am considering messaging One Ball and telling him that he should cancel his Direct Debit. I don’t want his money. It’s not even that much every month. I probably wouldn’t even miss it. Is that a good idea? I don’t want his money if he can’t afford to give it to me. I’m not that person. I do have a heart. And like I said, I have a soft spot for him.
So that’s what is happening right now. I’m debating on telling One Ball not to give me any more money for the iPad and my boyfriend is skint all the time. Awesome.