Being a Chick.

I’m in a funny kinda mood right now. I wholeheartedly blame the godawful winter we’ve been having. As I walked to work this morning, my umbrella kept flying inside out with the horrid winds, and then the stick-bits got bent and it broke and I got the right hump. My day did not get off to a good start.

People at work were assholes today. It’s the last Saturday before Christmas; of course people were going to be assholes. It was just a day of utter bullshit. So much fucking bullshit.

I’m not ready for Christmas at all. I’ve got basically zero gifts for people. I’m running out of cash already and I’ve literally only just been paid. I have no idea where my money goes. It’s ridiculous.

I was looking forward to getting spoilt with kisses by my beautiful Tattooed Jock tomorrow but I get the impression I’m expecting that uncomfortable text message from him soon… The last time we spoke he mentioned that his friend, The Columbian, was back for a bit and they needed to catch up and he was having a hard time blah, blah, blah. I told him it was okay for him to blow me out. I could wait to see him. I meant it. Of course I meant it. But now I’m kinda pissed. Not pissed enough to take it out on him, just pissed enough to want to talk about it.

They have the oddest relationship. The Columbian owes him money and doesn’t seem to want to pay it back at any point soon. Jock is disappointed in his recent behaviour. The Columbian’s girlfriend is a fucking bitch and I’ve hated her from day one. Not only did he mention that The Columbian was home… He also mentioned six of us going out for drinks – The Columbian and the Fucking Bitch, The Redneck and his other half (I don’t have a name for her yet) and Jock and I. Yeah sure. Because that doesn’t sound like my idea of hell at all! *insert sarcastic tone of choice here*

I wasn’t expecting to see Jock; they were sort of last-minute plans anyway. We weren’t expecting to see each other until after the New Year but found that we had a surprise day off together and decided to spend them together. Then he dropped that news on me. I’d rather he just went on his own to be honest. I don’t mind The Redneck and his other half; in fact I have a fondness for them really. The Columbian I just find pretentious although he’s kinda cute, and his Fucking Bitch just grates on me every time I see her. She’s so up her own ass it’s unreal. Ugh. Bitch.

As much as I’d love to see Jock, I do have a lot of writing work to do. In fact, that’s all I seem to find myself doing these days. I go to work, I come home. I probably get pissed on by the rain in the process. I write in the evenings, occasionally fitting in a couple of days with Jock here and there, and also squeezing in some Bestie time. I spend my entire life working and yet I have nothing to show for it. Life is so depressing right now. Like I said, I blame the weather.

I guess what I really want is to smoke a spliff and spend the night being cute and giggling in Jock’s arms. That’s all I ever want these days and I’m not even ashamed to admit it. I love his company. I love our sex. I love the way he makes me feel. I want to be wrapped up in each other on the couch, blankets wrapped around us, watching something manly on the TV. And now it’s not going to happen. I’m just a bit disappointed I guess. That’s all.

To be fair, I could probably do with some time to myself. Time to catch up on all the writing work I find myself putting off. Time to paint my toenails and give myself a facial. Time to just chill out. Maybe it’s better if he does blow me out. I’m not pissed at him, obviously. I want him to be able to go and have time with his boys. However, we only spend like a couple of days every week to two weeks together… Does he really need to make his plans with them coincide with ours?

I’m just being a chick, aren’t I?

People are Funny about Money

Ok. So I have a few things that I need to talk about. I tried to blog about this last night once I had gotten home from Jock’s but honestly; I just wanted to go to bed. It was his birthday on Wednesday. He picked me up Monday night. It was a funny kinda few days…

We had a fight. A stupid fight. I wanted a cute Birthday Brunch with my tattooed birthday boy but he invited the Redneck. I wanted a nice meal and they took me to a little greasy spoon. I wanted to walk hand in hand and look in all the vintage and retro shops in the villages but instead the Redneck drove us in his hill billy towing truck (not that I don’t love it) and by the time we had gotten home again, the weather was dreadful.

He was broke. He’s always broke. This doesn’t bug me but I’m hardly richer than rich right now. I put gas in his car, bought his cigarettes, bought a whole bunch of groceries, got him a bunch of birthday presents, etc. He got spoilt. Now I’m not saying that I have a problem with this at all and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure if I’m allowed to talk about this. After all, people are funny about money. However… I’ve been here before. The only problem with that is the fact that I can see what’s coming.

I sound like a bitch and I know it but I’m looking for an equal to me. I want to be spoilt just as much as I love to spoil. And I do love to spoil. I have no issue putting my hand in my pocket for anything or anyone. I would give away my last penny if it meant someone else being okay. I definitely spoil the man I love which just so happens to be Jock at this moment in time. I love spoiling him. But I’m kinda getting the impression that there’s no helping this guy. He was going to sort out his finances for me. He had a plan. He was going to call up and get his shit sorted. I don’t think he did that. I don’t think he’s ever going to do that. I think he is a man with words but no get-up-and-go when it comes to his finances. It’s so disappointing to see a man with so much fire for everything in life to give up and roll over, preferring to run away from his financial problems rather than stand up and face them like a real man. It’s kinda off-putting. I love this guy but honestly, it’s getting old.

I’ve had the chat with him. I’ve laid an idea of our future right down in front of him. I hoped it would have been the carrot on the stick but I don’t think it was enough to motivate him. I told him that in the future, I would consider living with him but we wouldn’t be able to do that unless he sorted out his money situation. How can we get a place to live if he couldn’t pass the credit check? I see a future for us but I don’t see that all the time he is living in a trailer in the bottom of someone’s yard and living from pay check to pay check, running form his debts. We’ve established that my head has gotten somewhat carried away when it comes to Jock. Look at my Pinterest board. It’s full of wedding ideas from when I spend the nights not being able to sleep, alone in my bed, wishing I was still in his. I run away from the idea of getting married again like it’s the plague but with Jock; I’m not so scared. All of my friends are announcing their pregnancies in explosive ways on Facebook and secretly, somewhere deep down, I’m yearning for a pregnancy scare of my own. I don’t mean that quite like that, but you get the gist of it.

I want everything with this man. I want the whole nine yards and a little bit more. Am I really going to be able to do that with a man that can’t support himself financially. I can’t even believe I’m saying these words as I write them. Am I really that shallow that this money situation is a big deal for me? It’s never been something I’ve been bothered with before but with Jock, something really gets to me about it all.

Now for the other part of the tale…

Did I mention that One Ball came in to see me a while back? Well he came back today. He started with an apology but wanted to know how much it would cost to pay his iPad gift off. His situation has changed. I hissed back at him – “You couldn’t have just emailed me with this bullshit? I’m at work. Stop coming into where I work”

He left. I was furious. He knew my email address to the letter when we were dating, now he can’t remember it at all? I messaged him later on. I told him that it wasn’t okay for him to slag me off like he did and then keep crawling into my work. 10 minutes later, I felt kinda bad. Of course I did. I’ll always have a soft spot for this guy. I apologised. A little bit of polite small talk later and it turns out that he is now a full-time Dad to some of his many brood of kids. Holy shit. Glad I got out of that when I did. He talked about getting his benefits sorted and housing and I realised how unattractive his lack of drive was. Getting his kids was his “Get out of jail free” card. Now he doesn’t need to get a job after his redundancy from the military. I’m sorry but as far as I am concerned, it’s a good thing that we broke up when we did. This would never have worked out if he had his kids full time. It wouldn’t have been long before we broke up. And if that had happened, I wouldn’t have met my beautiful Tattooed Jock. And I love my beautiful Tattooed Jock.

Even still, as I sat in front of my computer this evening, I am considering messaging One Ball and telling him that he should cancel his Direct Debit. I don’t want his money. It’s not even that much every month. I probably wouldn’t even miss it. Is that a good idea? I don’t want his money if he can’t afford to give it to me. I’m not that person. I do have a heart. And like I said, I have a soft spot for him.

So that’s what is happening right now. I’m debating on telling One Ball not to give me any more money for the iPad and my boyfriend is skint all the time. Awesome.

My Mr. Grey is Moving Away.

Hey, that rhymed.

I posted on his Facebook page: “I miss your face.”

He text me right back just moments later: “I miss so much more than your face”

We talked for a bit. Then he told me. He’s moving to the other side of the world. He’s moving to the side of the world I used to live in. Something has happened that he doesn’t want to talk about and he’s got his Visa sorted. He’s considering selling his apartment to pay for his travel etc. to the other side of the world for a while to build cars. After a while he’ll travel further. Down Under.

I’m numb. He’ll be so far away. We don’t see each other now anyway and we’ve barely spoken in months but still; he’ll be so far away.

I want to see him to say goodbye before he goes but is that really such a good idea? We’ll fuck. We always fuck. Do I have enough will power to not fuck him? I love Jock so much and I would never, ever dream of doing anything to hurt him but this is My Mr. Grey. We’ve been doing our thing for ten years. Jock and I have been together six months. Fuck. Fuck fucking fuck.

I told the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With. He said what I expected him to say – “If he was meant to be with you, his timing would have been better. He wasn’t right for you. you need to let him go.” 

I know. He’s right. He’s always right. But this is My Mr. Grey. It’s My Mr. Grey. Really? He’s going to the other side of the world?

Not long after we met he moved away. Then I got married. I couldn’t be with My Mr. Grey because we would be in a long distance relationship and neither of us wanted that. We both then promptly fell in love with people that we ended up having basically long distance relationships with. Go figure. Why is it affecting me so much that he is moving away?

Is it because I know the girls on the other side of the world will love him? He won’t be single for very long. In fact I reckon he’ll be engaged, if not married to a Canadian girl. I know that will happen. Does it bug me that he’s not going to be my back-up anymore? As much as we all know that I’m probably going to end up married and having kids with the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance with, My Mr. Grey was always my back-up plan. Do I need him anymore? Do I have enough faith in what Jock and I have that I can let My Mr. Grey go from my life completely? All of a sudden I am very agitated. I’m anxious. I’m fidgety. Things had been sailing along so smoothly… something was bound to go wrong sooner or later. Is it gonna be me that fucks things up this time? Is this what happens? If I don’t see My Mr. Grey I know I will regret it for the rest of my life. Because once he goes over there that’s it; I’ve lost him. Forever. If I do see My Mr. Grey I’ll probably sleep with him. Won’t I? I couldn’t keep that kind of thing a secret from Jock. It would eat me up inside and I know it will. That’s not the sort of person I am anymore. Once upon a time, perhaps; but not know. I’d need to tell him and he would never, ever forgive me. I could never forgive myself. Do I really think I have enough will power to refrain from jumping on the bones of My Mr. Grey for the sake of my beautiful Jock? Do I?

Fuck. Why does this happen? My Mr. Grey has a funny fucking way of throwing a spanner in the works when things are going really well for me.

Oh and the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of is back in touch again… It was kinda my own fault really. It was early in the morning and I saw something on Facebook about a TV show that we used to watch together high. I shared it with him and of course, this started a conversation. He was questioning whether or not I had lost the junk in my trunk with my recent weight loss. I sent him a picture. Remember the picture I shared of the outfit I was planning on wearing to the party (7:56am). I sent him that picture. He made me very aware that he was thinking about the junk in my trunk. He made me very aware what he did while he was reminiscing about his massive cock, balls deep in my ass. Ooops. Pretty sure I just accidentally initiated phone sex. I’ve steered the conversation to a cleaner level for now but I’m pretty sure I’m just gonna have to ignore his messages soon.

Oh and on top of this ladies and gentlemen, I appear to have found myself a stalker.

I was sorting some stuff out at work for him and gave him my number so I could help him. I made him very aware that I was happily dating someone and had no interest in him in anything other than a professional manner. He doesn’t appear to have taken my not-so-subtle hints. He keeps coming up with problems which I’m sure are just an excuse to see me. I’m managing to keep him at arms bay for just now but I don’t think I’ve seen the last of him despite the fact that I’ve managed to sort out hi plentiful problems.

Oh and the icing on the cake is that I have no time to do anything and I’m nowhere near ready for it to be Christmas. No fucking way. Not a chance in hell. I’m skint too. Things are not going well for me right now.

You’re Probably the Best I’ve Ever Had.

Things have been plain sailing with Jock and I recently. You can probably tell – the blog is always quiet when there is nothing going wrong. There is only so many times you can say “I’m in love!” before someone slaps you around the face and tells you to man up…

I spent last weekend with my beautiful Jock. It was amazing really. Saturday he picked me up straight from work and we did the family thing – socialising with my Mama Bear for a bit before we went back to his. With an open fire in the yard, he cooked me steak, chicken and jacket potatoes. I’ve never seen a man go “Bear Grylls” on me but he managed it with the flair of the fully qualified chef that he is. Wrapping it all up with plenty of tin foil and butter, he cooked the food on the fire and we ate snuggled up on the couch, with candles all around us, lights off, romance in the air. It’s not conventional, by any means, but it sure is beautiful.

We had a conversation on the couch on Sunday evening. I was due to come back home that night but instead, because I had a late (10am) start on Monday morning, I stayed one more night and let Jock drive me to work. It was a first for us – he’s never seen me in the morning before work before. He even made me sandwiches to take with me, packed lunch style. He really is the most perfect man on the planet.

Anyway, back to the conversation and we were talking about sex. I can’t really remember the exact conversation as I had smoked a spliff and we’d already fooled around. I played with myself in front of him for the first time. It was nerve wracking but out of this world; the spliff definitely letting me leave some of my inhibitions behind.

It started with the kissing just like it always does. Those soft kisses that he starts on my lips and trails down to my neck and my collarbone. Those soft kisses that leave me weak at the knees and wet in the crotch. Before I knew it, he was touching me everywhere except where I wanted to be touched and I tried to push his hands to where they needed to be. Instead, he moved his hand and growled in my ear – “Touch yourself”

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The word was like music to my ears. I’m sure this guy can read my mind. Just a split second before he said those words I thought to myself – if he won’t touch me, why don’t I touch myself? Well I did. And it was explosive. I made myself gush. In fact this is something I’ve recently taught myself. Guys have managed to do it to me before but I’ve never quite managed to make myself. My Mr. Grey is a firm favourite when it comes to men making me squirt. Well I’ve managed to teach myself and that night, in front of Jock, I let him feel what I had done to myself. I didn’t let him have sex with me, of course – he made me wait so I will make him wait… except I can make him wait a whole lot longer!

A little while later, still on that couch in my post-orgasmic state, we had the conversation.

“Do we have good sex?” he said.

“You were there just then, right? Of course we have good sex. I don’t do that for just anyone!” was my reply, closely followed by “Do you think we have good sex?”

He looked at me, straight into my eyes and simply said “Baby, you’re probably the best I’ve ever had!”

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Those that have been following me for a while may remember a post I wrote a little while ago called Would You Want to Know Your Sexual Review? In this post I talk about whether or not you would want to know if you were good in bed? If you could find a link to a page where someone publicly wrote down what they thought of you, would you want to read it? It’s always nice when someone gives you a good sexual review isn’t it? It would seem that I have been given the thumbs up from Jock. That’s a good thing – I always vow to leave a lasting impression and I’m open enough about a lot of stuff to normally be able to get that impression sorted. I’ve done that with Jock and I know I have – he’s never, ever going to forget fucking me.

From the little things that he has said, his ex wasn’t very nice to her about his performance in the sack and his manhood size. I’ve already talked about the fact that he doesn’t have the largest penis in the world but we have figured each other out now – we know what works and what doesn’t. For example, he can’t spoon me because it doesn’t work and we both get frustrated but when he throws my legs over my shoulders and pounds into me as I lay on my back, my orgasms are earth-shattering. We got this shit sorted and we are both having very good sex – it’s no holds barred sex. We know how far we can go for now. We know what works and what doesn’t. I’m letting rip on him and I can tell that he is lapping it up. Anyway, after the comments that his ex left him, I’m boosting his confidence something crazy and I’m enjoying what it is doing to him more than he is, I think.

He walks around like this cocky little shit but I know he’s got this hidden soft side. I’ve seen it now. I know he gets insecure even though he says he doesn’t. He worries about how he looks by my side even though he tries to act like it doesn’t. I see that softer side to him and I know that I am making him feel good about himself. I like that I’m having that effect on him because he is having exactly the same effect on me. It’s addictive and I would love each and every one of you to find the person that makes you feel that way. It’s a beautiful feeling. It’s as powerful as any drug.

So there you have it – that’s what’s been happening with me. I’m probably the best sex he’s ever had.

How d’ya like that? 😉