Don’t worry. I’m not talking about Jock and I. We’re NOT having a baby. Thank fuck. But… you know you have those people that you consider yourself equal to? Let me explain – there is a girl that was in my year at school. She’s blonde like me, has gone up and down in her weight like me, has seemingly been rather unlucky in bed like me… I kinda thought she was a bit like me – well travelled, career driven, independent… etc. Anyway, she’s been dating this guy for a while and they were the cutest couple. She could have done better than him but she clearly loved him. He was punching well above his weight with her. Yesterday, on Facebook at “prime time” she announced with the cutest photo collage that they were having a baby together.
My heart stopped. Why?
I found this last night and I liked the picture. Since then it has bugged me insanely and I can’t really understand why. I think I might be… jealous? Considering it? Pondering…?
Today another couple announced that they were having a baby – mutual friends of the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and I. I already knew they were expecting. Bestie told me weeks ago. Still it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s happening everywhere I look – everyone is reproducing and I’m starting to feel like… I’m missing out on something?
I’ve never seriously considered having children before. It’s never been something that I wanted to entertain. I’ve always had patches of broody moments but they have never lasted long and I’ve never really thought about it.
Do you remember the work colleague I mentioned before who was expecting? Well she has only a handful of days left until her due date and I bought the cutest baby boots for her little boy when it arrives. I still have them. I look at them every now and again and I think to myself – could I have a baby?
I don’t know what’s causing this. Is it Jock? The pregnant work colleague told me after my third date with Jock that she knew he was going to be the one that would change my mind about having babies but honesty; I don’t think he’s that bothered about having his own kids anyway.
It’s funny though – even he has been on about babies recently. He told me that his (step-)daughter had said to his ex – “If Daddy has a new baby, I won’t be his little girl anymore” in a sad moment. Why did he feel the need to tell me about this?
Anyway, back to the pregnant work colleague, and she thinks that he’s going to be the one I settle down with. She can see that. I would just like to point out that she also knew and told her Mama the first time she met her guy that she was going to marry him. He is 15 years older than she is, already has two kids and is a bit of a “Jack-the-lad” type. She was right about that gut feeling they had – he was her first, they have been together for 4 years, they got married last November and she is going to have their first child together any day now. It’s crazy. She was right about her husband so does that mean she is right about my Jock?
He’s been throwing around the idea of us living together for the past few days. Apparently it was hard work taking me home and he’s finding it harder with every time. He also told me that he was thinking of coming up with a one-year plan to sort out his life because he feels that he is not fulfilling his full potential. Although he talks about it being “one day” that we live together, something tells me that this “one day” could be sooner rather than later. Is he sorting his life out for me? Are we on our way to a “happy ever after”?
I don’t think I’m as against having children as I was before. I’m coming around to the idea every so slowly but ever so surely. I can feel it. I think my biological clock is starting to do something. This brings me nicely to my next dilemma…
I don’t think Jock is the guy that I should have kids with. The reason I say this is because I am much more sensible than that. He is not financially secure. He doesn’t even have a house; he lives in a trailer. His (step-)daughter is his world and I think that is enough for him. I know all you need is love and all that bollocks but is love really enough to raise a baby? Furthermore, we’ve been together for five months. Clearly I’m not saying that I want to have a baby right now because I most definitely don’t. What I am saying is that I think I’m probably going to want to have a baby at some point and I’m not getting any younger. I’m on the downward slope to 30. Do I want to waste a couple of years on Jock if he’s not the one I feel I should have kids with? Do I even know that he’s not the one I feel I want to have kids with? When did this sort of stuff complicate my life? When did this sort of stuff ever bother me before? Why is this happening to me now? Why is everyone around me making babies?
I guess I’m at that sorta age now where people like me are starting to settle down, get married and have babies. I did things the wrong way around it would seem; getting the marriage thing over and done with from an early point, screwing it up well and truly. I did settle down and I did the housewifey crap. I didn’t do the baby thing and I’m so glad. Hubby’s kid would probably have been the spawn of Satan. Am I ready to do the baby thing now though? Am I overreacting to a broody patch that’s just going on for too long? #20somethingproblems