7 Things I Do in Private

Come on girls – you know what I’m talking about. Those things you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. The things that you would rather other people didn’t know about. The stuff you wouldn’t normally even let your best friends know about either….

If I share, do you promise to share too? I feel like I should give the guys a little insight as to what girls really do and you gotta admit girlies; some of these are pretty true, right?

1 – I pluck my chin hairs when I’m in private

fc70ef64999f6a30d80435addba71cccGross but true. I got my Grandmother’s chin and all its whiskers, that’s for sure. I get a ‘tasche too but that’s easier sorted with a bit of hair removal cream. I quite like plucking the hairs now; it’s become a little thing I do. I don’t know why.

I’ve looked at other women’s chins and I can see their hairs, mostly because I speak from experience and know what I’m looking for, so I know it’s not just me that has them. The thing I hate is when it’s very obvious that a woman shaves her chin and ‘tasche hair. Gross chick – stop doing it. Wax, for Christ’s sake, wax!

2 – I watch porn I would never admit to in private

516e5fe8271d0b7974a060ec45396cd3There is no one in the world that I would face-to-face admit that I love bukkake porn, or anal that looks painful porn, or proper orgasm porn… I wouldn’t want anyone to know what goes in the deepest darkest reaches of my own imagination…. and what PornHub has to offer. I’m still exploring some of my boundaries – I’m not ready for people to be exploring them with me. For example, I got my little electric sex kit out that One Ball bought me the other night. They felt good lightly electrocuting my nipples as my rabbit worked its magic on my clit… Would I share my little electric sex kit with Jock? No, fuck off. Not on your Nelly! He’d freak out for sure. I’m still a little unsure how he’ll take my badass blood, knives, painful, naughty, dirty sex side.

I like my porn to be extreme in whatever genre I’m looking for. None of this fake orgasm, lipstick lesbians, blonde haired, big-titted, stupid stripper shoes shit going on. I want something original. I have been known to go through pages and pages of various porn choices before making a selection. For me shit porn = shit wank and that = a seriously pissed off chick.

3 – I look at my hip bones when I’m lying in bed in the morning when I’m in private

I’m newly skinny. For those that haven’t been reading, (and I just wanna boast again to those that have) I’ve lost around five stone in weight. About 75 pounds I guess. It’s quite a lot. I’ve gone from a chunk to a normal sized girl. Not too skinny, just normal. I like the way my hip bones look now. I have also developed an obsession with my collarbone. It’s freaking me out – I’ve never had visible bones before! I have bones! I like to look at them sometimes. Just sometimes. Although recently it’s developed into something of an obsession.

4 – I watch old TV shows on repeat…on repeat… on repeat in private

f31eaec0fb4f50af2275d53aa4307416Literally, genuinely, not even kidding you, I have watched every episode of The Big Bang Theory AT LEAST ten times. Probably more. Not even kidding you at all, in the slightest. Once I find a TV show that I love, I kill it. It’s all I watch for days and days and days. It’ll be on as background noise when I’m writing or busy. I’ll have it on to fall asleep to because I know what’s happening therefore I’m not tempted to stay awake. The people in the TV almost become personal friends. The girls in Sex and the City and I have had an ongoing relationship for many years 😉

Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps is another favourite. It’s British but hilarious and I love it. I also love My Family – another British show. I’ve recently become addicted to Lizard Lick Towing. I’m in the redneck stage of life apparently. I got my redneck man and my redneck TV shows, and I spend my weekend in the trailer down in the country. Fuck. What am I turning into?

5 – I genuinely do the sniff test in private

0a1ef493e71b89f613eb9876d10eb74fIf there’s an item of clothing on my bedroom floor which, to be fair there is more often than not, I need to do the sniff test to remember if it’s clean or not. I don’t have a clue what pants I wore yesterday or what shirt I had on the day before. If it smells like my washing powder, I’m good. If it doesn’t, I need to find something else. I’m so anal about so many things but I’m the messiest fucker you’ll ever meet. Just you wait until I move into my own little crib again though. I’ll get my house proud back.

6 – I spend all day in bed, getting high in private

IMG_20131103_170445I pulled a sickie today. I didn’t sleep well and I had nothing in me when I woke up this morning. I literally had no get up and go in me at all. I struggled to turn over to grab my phone. I’m exhausted. I’ve not been sleeping well and we’ve already established I’m more anxious these days. I have mental work schedules between my day job and my writing. I”m worrying about money because I overspent on Christmas presents when I got paid. I’m annoyed because I don’t know if I’m going to see Jock. I’ve got a million one things on a to-do list that I don’t seem to ever be able to manage to make my way through. In short, I’m having a tough time right now. I smoked a spliff at about 10:30 and got back into my bed with a cup of coffee and my new Mac, and I Started to write. Sometimes I just need these days where I do nothing. I bang my way through my writing list of things to do, and I catch up on my little blog and my emails. Okay now I feel bad… a little bit.

7 – I wear my pretty shoes and look at them in the mirror in private

Does that make me weird? I have the biggest shoe fetish although recently, I’ve managed to keep my spending on shoes under control. Woop. Go me. I like to put them on sometimes though and just walk around in my room. I look at them in my full length mirror, occasionally trying them on with various dresses or skirts. I have shoes here that I’ve never worn because they are too high for me to walk in. I have shoes here that are so precious to me that I would never dream of leaving the comfort of my carpet in them. I have shoes that are the wrong size just because I had to have them. I love shoes. Shoes are pretty. It doesn’t matter how fat or skinny you are, shoes always fit. I heart them all.

So there you have it. Seven things I do in private. Share your secrets – what do you do that you wouldn’t want others to see?

4 thoughts on “7 Things I Do in Private

  1. I found your blog sometime ago by accident, not sure how. As a guy, I have learned quite a bit at your site. You are a great writer and really open about things-I only worry about self-harming things as I think you need to address that. Most of the sex blogs are just endless miles of how crazy their swinging or crazy fetishes are…or miles of whining about online dating. You really have a handle on many things private and articulate them better than anyone else I have ever bother to read. OMG, your anal stuff…I have the urge, but would never do it except with someone I was going to marry…hmm, maybe, I don’t want to give a woman that much power over my most primal urges unless I want to marry her. Geez, though, lube is common sense. Anyway, your female point-of-view is just real honest. I really appreciate all that you write about…it is really enlightening to me on some of the darker fantasies that we know gals often have but most would never admit to having. A girl once asked me to talk dirty to her…I was clueless…hehe. And rape fantasies…what is that about? How can love you girl and pretend to do that for her…anyway, I don’t get it. Maybe you explain that somewhere here…what are you thinking about? I’ll try to pull hair or whatever…that’s about all I have in me on that front.

    When I read this article though, I just thought I share one little reminder to ladies. I actually don’t care how bushy you are downstairs as long as you mow it enough for me to wade through without choking. Yes, wax the chin, duh. But don’t forget your nipples if you have stragglers. I dated this cool chick, but she had a mouthful of those. It really really bothered me, not sure why. Anyway, it seems like a relatively easy maneuver to nix them while you got the wax out. I keep my frontlawn mowed regularly…only because I like looking at Lord Vader in all his glory and hope you do too. I’m like, you’re cut, sometimes big, and oh so shiny…you are a handsome little devil! I just love you so much.

    • Wow! Thanks so much! It’s always good to hear someone learns something from my ramblings 😉 It surprises me how little guys REALLY know about girls. Well the guys I’ve dated anyway. Just doing my bit to educate the nation hahaha!

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