Yeah so Fuck Off.

Yeah so he’s pissed me off. Jock I mean. I haven’t seen him in over a week. It’s now Thursday and we had plans to see each other Saturday night and Sunday day if I wasn’t working. Well, in true male fashion he’s gone and thrown a spanner in the works and I’m not happy about it at all. I apologise in advance if I sound like a petulant child but I don’t care.

We barely see each other these days because I’m taking on more hours at work and he works pretty shitty hours already. We are going over a week; sometimes two without seeing each other and I know that doesn’t sound that bad to you guys but I honestly miss him when he’s not around… Most of the time.

He messaged me yesterday to tell me that we had been invited for dinner and drinks on Saturday night. I have a couple of options with this. Firstly they are with his ex roomies who I don’t really like. I don’t have a problem with them; they are just not my kinda people if you get my drift. Secondly I have bought a lot of Christmas presents this month and I’m basically surviving the rest of the month on the money that I make from my writing. I can manage easily on the money that I make with my writing but I didn’t really have any put aside for dinners and drinks with people I don’t really like. Thirdly why the fuck would I want to spend my ONLY day off in a week watching his hungover ass suffer on Sunday? I don’t drink anymore and I have no intentions of drinking should we decide to go out for dinner. Anyway I chose to tell him that I had been having shitty week, I wasn’t really feeling the going out vibe and I think I was getting a rotten cold but he could go out if he wanted and maybe we could catch up with each other on Sunday.

Turns out Jock is stupid. He took what I said as “the truth” when all boys know that when a girl says “Sure, do you want. I’ll catch up with you the next day” she NEVER, EVER means it! What happened to nothing stopping you from seeing me because you were missing me so much? Pffft! You didn’t take that into consideration when you said “Yeah okay!” Now you can fuck off. I’m not seeing you on Sunday. I can’t stand hungover people so you can fuck off. Now you’re going to need to wait another week, possibly two to see me so I hope you’re happy.

See – I told you I was angry.

We had plans to see each other. That’s it. When did those plans turn into us having to go for dinner and drinks and then him going for dinner and drinks without me. Yeah thanks babe, thanks for showing me how much I mean to you. Thanks for showing me how much you really did miss me. Thanks a bunch.

Now we come to the root of the problem. I’ve lost five stone (approx. 75 pounds in total) in weight and apparently developed some sort of weird eating behaviour. Now don’t me get me wrong, I’m not starving myself or making myself throw up or anything like that, but I seem to have grown the weirdest obsession with other people watching me eat. I can’t eat in front of people. I’ve always been very funny with food but since the weight loss, it’s definitely gotten worse. How the hell am I going to sit in front of a whole table of people and eat dinner? I eat the tiniest portions because I have no appetite and people are starting to judge and notice. My sister told me today that I shouldn’t really lose anymore weight, and my Mama Bear saw me yesterday and was worried that I was starting to look ill. I’m not – I’m functioning just fine. I don’t have a weird eating disorder. I just eat when I’m hungry and don’t when I’m not. I also gave up Diet Coke and boozing. Oh and smoking. It’s been over a month this time for me so I’m pretty positive about it. I’m generally healthier and I’m walking to work everyday which is probably why I’m losing so much weight. To be fair, I wish people wouldn’t go on about it. I’m no longer comfortable in the skinny body I’ve got. I want to be the fat girl again. Not that I was ever fat – just a bit chunky around the edges.

I’ve always had the weirdest relationship with food and my body and that’s not hindering my life; that’s just the way it is. It’s getting harder though.

I went out with the guys from work and barely ate anything because I just felt uncomfortable. Or just really full really quick. I’m not sure. We went to a buffet and they were piling plates high with food and I had the smallest one plate. I could see everyone sorta looking over at me but I just don’t eat that much. I don’t think I could cope around Jock – if he saw it, he’d comment and I would be mortified. I have managed to avoid eating in front of him (for the most part) for ages now and I’d rather it stayed that way. I don’t know what it is and I can’t explain it. Please don’t judge me.

So there you have it – I guess I’m not seeing him this weekend. At least I can spend my Sunday in my bed with my nice shiny new Apple MacBook Air, which I already love with all my heart and I’ve only had it a week!

I still love him though.

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