“We’re Having a Baby” #20SomethingProblems

Don’t worry. I’m not talking about Jock and I. We’re NOT having a baby. Thank fuck. But… you know you have those people that you consider yourself equal to? Let me explain – there is a girl that was in my year at school. She’s blonde like me, has gone up and down in her weight like me, has seemingly been rather unlucky in bed like me… I kinda thought she was a bit like me – well travelled, career driven, independent… etc. Anyway, she’s been dating this guy for a while and they were the cutest couple. She could have done better than him but she clearly loved him. He was punching well above his weight with her. Yesterday, on Facebook at “prime time” she announced with the cutest photo collage that they were having a baby together.

My heart stopped. Why?

I found this last night and I liked the picture. Since then it has bugged me insanely and I can’t really understand why. I think I might be… jealous? Considering it? Pondering…?

Today another couple announced that they were having a baby – mutual friends of the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and I. I already knew they were expecting. Bestie told me weeks ago. Still it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s happening everywhere I look – everyone is reproducing and I’m starting to feel like… I’m missing out on something?

I’ve never seriously considered having children before. It’s never been something that I wanted to entertain. I’ve always had patches of broody moments but they have never lasted long and I’ve never really thought about it.

Do you remember the work colleague I mentioned before who was expecting? Well she has only a handful of days left until her due date and I bought the cutest baby boots for her little boy when it arrives. I still have them. I look at them every now and again and I think to myself – could I have a baby?

I don’t know what’s causing this. Is it Jock? The pregnant work colleague told me after my third date with Jock that she knew he was going to be the one that would change my mind about having babies but honesty; I don’t think he’s that bothered about having his own kids anyway.

It’s funny though – even he has been on about babies recently. He told me that his (step-)daughter had said to his ex – “If Daddy has a new baby, I won’t be his little girl anymore” in a sad moment. Why did he feel the need to tell me about this?

Anyway, back to the pregnant work colleague, and she thinks that he’s going to be the one I settle down with. She can see that. I would just like to point out that she also knew and told her Mama the first time she met her guy that she was going to marry him. He is 15 years older than she is, already has two kids and is a bit of a “Jack-the-lad” type. She was right about that gut feeling they had – he was her first, they have been together for 4 years, they got married last November and she is going to have their first child together any day now. It’s crazy. She was right about her husband so does that mean she is right about my Jock?

He’s been throwing around the idea of us living together for the past few days. Apparently it was hard work taking me home and he’s finding it harder with every time. He also told me that he was thinking of coming up with a one-year plan to sort out his life because he feels that he is not fulfilling his full potential. Although he talks about it being “one day” that we live together, something tells me that this “one day” could be sooner rather than later. Is he sorting his life out for me? Are we on our way to a “happy ever after”?

I don’t think I’m as against having children as I was before. I’m coming around to the idea every so slowly but ever so surely. I can feel it. I think my biological clock is starting to do something. This brings me nicely to my next dilemma…

I don’t think Jock is the guy that I should have kids with. The reason I say this is because I am much more sensible than that. He is not financially secure. He doesn’t even have a house; he lives in a trailer. His (step-)daughter is his world and I think that is enough for him. I know all you need is love and all that bollocks but is love really enough to raise a baby? Furthermore, we’ve been together for five months. Clearly I’m not saying that I want to have a baby right now because I most definitely don’t. What I am saying is that I think I’m probably going to want to have a baby at some point and I’m not getting any younger. I’m on the downward slope to 30. Do I want to waste a couple of years on Jock if he’s not the one I feel I should have kids with? Do I even know that he’s not the one I feel I want to have kids with? When did this sort of stuff complicate my life? When did this sort of stuff ever bother me before? Why is this happening to me now? Why is everyone around me making babies?

I guess I’m at that sorta age now where people like me are starting to settle down, get married and have babies. I did things the wrong way around it would seem; getting the marriage thing over and done with from an early point, screwing it up well and truly. I did settle down and I did the housewifey crap. I didn’t do the baby thing and I’m so glad. Hubby’s kid would probably have been the spawn of Satan. Am I ready to do the baby thing now though? Am I overreacting to a broody patch that’s just going on for too long? #20somethingproblems

October 5th, 2013 – Dear One Ball,

I came across this post that I should have uploaded ages ago but didn’t. Rather than just chucking it in the trash, I decided to share it with you anyway. This was the post that I wrote on Jock’s couch while he was out playing with The Redneck, on 5th October. This was what would have been One Ball and I’s first anniversary. So… here you go:

Today would have the one year anniversary for One Ball and I. I think I saw him the other day. He was driving a new car, it was dark and I was just running back from the local corner store with no makeup on, my hair scraped back and a pair of too-baggy jeans on (standard for bumpin’ into an ex, right? Pfffft) but it was definitely him. Just to confirm, I had a quick peek on Plenty of Fish and there he was in my “Locals” section, just less than 1km away. I knew it was him. We didn’t talk – he was in the car and I was scurrying up the road. I’m not even sure what we would have said to each other.

He still has family here and his best friend lives around here but it still puzzled me as to why he would be down in my neck of the woods. Maybe he moved back down here like he said he was going to do for me?
I do feel bad about the way that I treated him. I wish I could tell him that but the last time we spoke, things didn’t exactly go to plan. I broke his heart; I get that. I just wish I could tell him why things went downhill so fast, and also apologise for jumping straight from him right into my new relationship with Jock. I don’t feel that I need to explain anything, of course, but I do feel the need to set some records straight. I get the impression he has a rather different view of the way things worked out for us. I think he thinks I cheated on him which we all know I didn’t do.
It got me to thinking – what would I want to say to him if I had the chance? If he agreed to sit down and speak to me face to face, what would I tell him? Would it even make a difference? We are talking theoretically here; I have no intentions of trying to talk to him. He’s still too angry at me for a start.
If I could tell him, I’d want him to know that from a early start, I knew he probably wasn’t the right man for me. He was too “yes, dear” and I need a guy that can argue with me for a a start. I know I’m a handful; Jock tells me everyday, but I also know I’m worth the hassle. I would do anything for my man, I would buy anything for my man, I would go above and beyond to make sure that he is happy…. I’ve seen other relationships; he would have been lucky to have me.
I knew he wasn’t right for me and I did try to push him away. He knew this, I think. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship because I wasn’t. I told him that my schedule was incredibly hectic and I wouldn’t always be able to fit him in to my life quite as he had hoped. In reality, I was brutally honest with him and yet he still persued me anyway. Does that make the situation his fault or mine?
I told him that I loved him when really, I think it was lust. To be honest, I don’t even think it was lust. I think I just got carried away in the moment, so glad to be out of the dating game, and he got stuck in the middle of my shit. I knew he would never do anything to jeopardize what we had but despite that, I still didn’t trust him completely. I always kept him at arms length. I never let him get close. I feel bad for that but when you know someone isn’t right, you just know….. You know?
To him, what we had was real. To me, I think it was a “gap-filler” which is a shame because he was such a lovely guy. He would have done anything for me. He would have gone out of his way to make sure that I was happy. Admittedly he made some rather whopping mistakes in our fragile little relationship but a lot of the crap that we went through was totally my fault. He deserves someone that makes him really happy; someone that gives him her all. I couldn’t give him my all because I didn’t know what my all was. Just like I didn’t with The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, but he was just a bad mistake. I don’t feel bad that, that relationship ended at all.
Anyway, back to One Ball. There are so many things that I feel he should know. I feel that he should know how much of a good person he is. He wasn’t right for me, but he will be right for somebody. Some girl will give him as much as he can give her. He has a lot of growing up to do and a few changes to make, but for the most part, he’s one of the good guys. And you know what they say; good guys finish last. Well with me they do anyway.
I do feel bad about what happened between us. I genuinely wish that things had ended better and that we could have been friends. I’d love to have him in my life as a friend and maybe one day, it’ll happen. For now, I know I hurt him and I know I broke his heart. I just got to a point where I couldn’t keep up with the charade. I couldn’t keep stringing him along….. Technically I did the right thing, right?

Hummingbird.

So I had an absolutely perfect weekend with my Jock. I’m so glad we’re back to normal. It was like nothing was wrong. I loved it. We went to The Redneck’s 40th birthday party last night (Saturday night) and although I was apprehensive, I had an absolutely amazing time. By all accounts Jock and I had amazing sex when we got home but I will admit that I was plastered. Or trolleyed. Or bungalowed… for those that have ever watched the British comedian Michael McIntyre; I was d-r-u-n-k. I don’t remember us having sex.

I do remember being stood up in his kitchen, leaning back against the tall refrigerator, head banging against the microwave every time I threw it back in ecstasy as he gave me what felt to be the best head I had ever gotten in my life. Apparently we had very angry sex. He told me bits and pieces and I keep getting little flashbacks. It was scratching and biting. He had two massive bite marks on his chest and I have a big scratch on the back of my neck and my back. It was furious sex. There were clothes scattered everywhere. We were meant to have popped home and then went next door to The Redneck’s house but we didn’t make it that far. The Redneck called us as I remember lying on the bed, Jock’s mouth buried deep in my pussy and I answered the call, managing a husky “Give us five minutes” before we got totally carried away and didn’t end up going anywhere. That’s all I remember so far but bits keep coming back to me. I remember feeling very, very good.

I was worried about going because it was the first time we would have seen other since we had the big fight. I didn’t want to get angry drunk – this is something that seems to happen very easily with me, hence the fact that I don’t generally drink anymore. I hadn’t eaten much that day and I barely drink anymore so I knew the booze would hit me hard. Despite the fact that I felt so upper class and out of place in the redneck little world I had found myself in, I had an utterly brilliant night. Jock and I even managed a whispered heart-to-heart in the jam-packed bar, exchanging details of how much we meant to each other and how we shouldn’t have stupid fights again.

He didn’t do any of those annoying things that boys do when they go to the bar with their girlfriends – he didn’t leave me by myself while he went and chatted with his work buddies and friends. He took me along and introduced me to them. He didn’t ignore me in conversation. He made me feel completely at ease and totally wanted. It made me realise exactly how happy this guy makes me. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. We have something very, very special here and I’m gonna do my damn hardest to make sure that our pride doesn’t get in the way and threaten to destroy us again.

We have a great connection. He drives me insane crazy. He told me that because we hadn’t spoken in so long and he hadn’t seen me in forever (because of the silly big fight), when I walked out my front door all dressed up on Saturday night, his heart skipped a beat and he got butterflies. It was the gayest and cutest thing he’s ever said to me. On the outside I’m like “Ew” but on the inside, my heart is melting.

“I have a confession” he said to me. “You’re my woman and my best friend” 

He says the cutest things.

“You’re my hummingbird. You’re the one. I totally know that now.” 

Apparently the hummingbird reference is from a film… Con Air I think? I haven’t seen it and I don’t know it but he calls me that from time to time.

He also told me that he knows we are going to live together. Apparently taking me home on Saturday night really got to him and he doesn’t ever want to let me leave. I think we’re starting to get real serious. We have decided that our anniversary is going to be 26th June – that’s the day we had our third date and went camping. That means that we have been together just shy of five months and he is already throwing around the idea of us living together. I know I fall in love hard and fast but this is faster than the speed of light even by my own standards. It’s not forced-fast though; it’s natural fast. It’s just happening that way. I always thought that meeting my “one” would be all fireworks and hit-by-a-train kinda stuff. This isn’t like that but it feels good anyway. We had a very obvious connection on our very first date and things haven’t really gone smoothly, but they’ve gone perfectly if that even makes sense. The stupid fight was a good thing for us. It made us both realise how happy we are together and that can only be a good thing, right? I could be with this guy. Really be with him.

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I’m his hummingbird ❤

7:56am.

At exactly 7:56am this morning, as I was in the middle of getting ready for work, I lost it. It’s been 6 days since Jock and I last spoke. At this point, I had officially had enough. That was it. It was coming out there and then, no matter how long it took us.

“So I’m assuming we’re done here then?”

It came out in a fury. He got the full force of 6 days worth of silence and an early morning wake up right there in that text and he knew it too. Within 10 minutes he had messaged me back:

“I messaged you Friday and heard nothing back. Thought you were busy”

Oh no. He’s not turning this around on me. The rest of the conversation involved me pretty much saying the following, sprinkled with a little bit of him grovelling.

I don’t want to be with someone that could forget about me so easily. I don’t want to be with someone that was so disregarded for a night out on the piss. I was sick and he didn’t know. I had my first “boss girl” shift at work and he didn’t know how it went. He didn’t know that my website was starting to make me real money. He didn’t get to see the apron and shoe combo I had planned for him. He didn’t see the cute white boy shorts I had bought with the knee-high cute sports socks to wear with his American football jersey. He knew that I wouldn’t have messaged him over the weekend because he was out on Saturday night and I wouldn’t have wanted to bug him while he was out. He also knew that I would never have bugged him with it on Sunday when he had a hangover. He admitted that he knew that. Then he told me he loved me and my heart skipped a beat. Wow I really missed him. We’re still not back to normal and I’m not sure if I want to see him this weekend, but we’re back. I’m never mad at him for long.

I have the cutest outfit planned for Saturday night if we do make it that far – to the Redneck’s party. I bought some tights and I have some mahoooooosive black suede shoes with leopard print platform and stiletto heel. I also have the cutest A-Line dress that’s beige and a very dark navy blue, almost black. I’ll try and find a picture of it to give you an idea. It’s a UK size 12 / US Size 10. I’ve never been this small. I’m excited to wear the dress. I’m excited to show him me in the dress. I’m excited for him to peel the dress away from my body…. then the tights. He’d make me put my shoes back on, of course 😉

I have an image in my head of how this outfit will look and for once in my life, I think I’m finally okay-enough with my body for the picture coming back in the mirror to be just as good as that image. I might go try it all on and show you. I don’t know if I’m brave enough…

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I just hope he grovels enough for me to wear the outfit. I really do. I’m not sure what enough is, but I’m sure he’ll manage to do it. I have faith in him.

I love him again. Yay.

The Mother-Daughter Disaster Combo

These girls are the girls I used to work for on the other side of the world. They were the dodgiest, shadiest, nastiest bitches I’ve ever had the misfortune of working with but for some reason, I loved them. I seemed to have this weird loyalty when I was working for them – mostly because I didn’t have any other choice.

They owned a real estate business – Grandmother, mother and daughter. The Grandmother was getting on a bit so she she was practically forced out by the other girls. They had made their way through so many assistants, it was beyond a joke. Then they had me. I started as the Saturday girl working in one of their many shops/short-term hare-brained money-making schemes and soon found myself to be their assistant. They didn’t treat me very well. They were just batshit crazy really. I’m not sure why I feel the need to talk about them but they were a big part of my life over there so I feel I should give them a little mention.

I keep trying to think of nicknames for them like I have done with everyone else in this blog. We’ll call the mother “Little Miss Sunshine”. Mostly because she was on so many drugs most of them time, she was permanently happy. It was mental to watch. She used to come in to the office on such a downer and then, usually a couple of hours late, the daughter would come into the office, armed with a handful of pills that she had bought from some redneck down the street, pumped her mother full of them and all was alright with the world again. Until they ran out of course…

I’ve no idea how they have managed to stay in the business that they are in for so long because they are the most disorganised people I’ve ever come across in my life. They were messy, they lost things all the time, they were so wrapped up in their own personal mini-dramas that they didn’t have a clue where they were supposed to be, at what time, or what they were meant to be doing there. It was a joke. It was funny from the outskirts but once you had gotten sucked into their crazy little fantasy land, you struggled to claw your way back out.

I was her best friend, her confidante, her wing woman when she wanted to get laid, her agony aunt when she needed someone to bitch at, and much more besides. That was the case for the pair of them – their relationship was oddly close. As in share-your-sex-toys close, which they both confided in me that they had done on more than one occasion. Pretty sure they even shared men. Perhaps not at the same time but I get that impression.

Beluga WhaleSo we’ll stick with Little Miss Sunshine for the mother. I’m gonna go with Beluga Whale for the daughter. Big Love once joked that she looked like one and now she has had so much Botox in her face that nothing moves, I can definitely see the resemblance. They were both addicted to plastic surgery. Little Miss Sunshine had almost died from having a boob job, liposuction and a tummy tuck (I’m sure) a few years back but still has the regular stuff done – Botox etc. Beluga Whale has recently had a boob job, lost a bunch of weight (probably through drugs; she was always getting me to order some crazy pill that reportedly helped you lose weight), had Botox in her forehead and I’m pretty sure she’s had some sort of fillers in her lips now. She’s so plastic. Everyone I show her picture too usually says “Wow, she’s so plastic” before they say anything else. She is just Miss Plastic Fantasic. Maybe that should be her new name?

Anyway, back to the story in hand. The pair of them were fucking mental. They accused me of stealing from them on a couple of occasions. Of course, I never stole from them in my life. I’m a lot of things but a thief is most definitely not one of them. Beluga Whale asked me if I would have a threesome with her and her boyfriend at one point. She used to fall in love at the drop of a hat; worse then me most definitely, and fall out of love just as quick, moping around for a couple of days and then getting back on the bandwagon, wrapped up in her life of internet dating, leading men on and probably being a shit shag. I heard her having sex once and I won’t lie; it didn’t sound like a lot of fun.

They wouldn’t ever let me have time off. I was in a sticky situation when I was working with them and I won’t go into details but let’s just say that they abused me at every possible opportunity. I worked the most ridiculous hours, had to be on call for any emergencies which usually involved hair, nails, chiropractors, dates with hot men, teeth, Botox, etc. I was their personal assistant more than I Was their work assistant – that’s not really how it should have been.

They caused a lot of the fights between Big Love and I. We were so happy right at the beginning and we both mentioned that we could tell Beluga Whale was instantly jealous. She had known him for years before I met him but had never been interested in him. I met him, changed his closet and his attitude, made him look beautiful and buff and all of a sudden, before I knew it, she was inches away from his face, staring him right in the eyes, winking at him…. right in front of me. That’s how batshit crazy she was – crazy and with absolutely no social skills.

She has no female friends; neither of them have any real friends at all. They don’t trust anyone. They fuck everyone over and they are petrified that the same is going to happen to them.

I know I sound like I’m bashing on these girls and if you ask anyone that knows them; they will say exactly the same as what I’ve said right here. The reason I choose to bring them up now is because I mentioned them in a previous post – Regrets and feel that I should explain my weird hatred towards them. They were the two people that I was the (false) closest to when I was out there. I was either in their company, or at the other end of the phone for them for practically every hour of every day. After I left, I never heard from them again. I get the odd Facebook like from Little Miss Sunshine but the Beluga Whale – she must hate me now. I got skinny and I still kept my curves and my boobs. She was always furiously jealous of my figure because she has a straight up and down figure and always struggles with her weight. Zero boobs either. Well before the boob job, anyway. She was openly jealous about so many things about me – my body shape, my openness about sex and my willingness to try new stuff, my cheerful misdemeanor, my long natural eyelashes, my massive natural boobs, my long blonde hair, my accent…. I could go on. I got the impression she never really liked me but was just so two-faced for long, she completely forgot how to have “normal” friends.

So there you have it – that’s the story of the mental, batshit crazy mother-daughter disaster combo. Just thought I’d share that with you…

The Fifth Day

Okay, I didn’t message him yesterday and I’m sorry to talk about it again. I’m so agitated these days. I can’t sit still. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m off work today and I can’t stay anywhere for five minutes to get a task completed. My attention span has gone down to about 3 seconds. I’m annoyed.

I was going to text him when I woke up simply saying “I’m assuming we’re done here?”

I didn’t send it. I didn’t send anything.

Now my feelings are most definitely hurt. I told him last week that I had so much stuff I wanted to tell him. It seemed that so much exciting stuff had happened and we barely got the chance to talk about it. Then we stopped talking. I still haven’t told him my news. It’s not really anything that exciting – I created a website with a colleague at work and it’s starting to make us money. I got a couple of really good projects in my freelance writing work. I lost five stone. I haven’t seen him in two weeks now and I now he’ll be able to see how much weight I’ve lost. A lot of people have commented on the last couple of days so I know I’m looking good. I want him to see that. I bought the cutest red spotted apron to wear in the kitchen while I made his dinner teamed with just a pair of shoes and nothing else. I didn’t get the chance to show him that. I also got the cutest knee high white sports socks and some white boy-shorts to wear underneath his football jersey. I didn’t get the chance to show him that either. He keeps saying he wants me to dance for him while I take my clothes off. I wanted to do that for him. I would have needed to smoke a joint or had a glass of wine or something beforehand but I wanted to give it a shot.

I talked to the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and he’s annoyed at Jock for doing this. He knows how much Jock means to me and although I’m playing things cool and not really letting on that it’s bothering me, he knows I’m upset.

I wanted to show Jock the little booties that I had gotten a female friend for when her baby comes. They are the cutest little blue converse-style sneakers with stars on them. They are possibly the cutest things I’ve ever seen and I’m genuinely considering getting a pair just to add in with my shoe collection. For real.

Five days… I get the feeling that we may have left things go too far now. This guy was REALLY into me. Either that or he was a great actor. How has it happened that he has gone from missing me more than he could say, being so in love with me that he would do anything for me, and worshipping the ground I walk on to not talking to me for almost an entire week?!? How has that happened? What has happened? What did I do?

Don’t get me wrong – everything was totally reciprocated. We were so in love together. One fight over one night out and we’re at this point?! I don’t know if we’re together or apart. I don’t know if he’s acting single or not. It’s been five days. I know that’s not really that long in the grand scheme of things but for us, five hours is a long time. Five days is a fucking joke.

Relationships…

Okay I’m starting to get worried now. The last time I spoke to Jock was Thursday evening. It’s been  4 whole days now and we haven’t exchanged a word. How long do you think you need to leave it before you class yourself as officially single? Not that I want to be of course…. It just doesn’t appear to be going very well.

I’m forever changing and swapping my shifts to make sure that I can get time off that coincides with his. I genuinely want to change my life around to match his. I genuinely want to spend time with him. I’ve not felt like that about a guy in a really long time. The thing is he needs to start paying me the same respect back. It can’t keep being me changing my life to suit him all the time, can it? Ugh. Could I have fucked this all up over a temper tantrum?

I basically told him that I was sick of chopping and changing my life when he doesn’t do the same right back for me. He deliberately chose to go out at the weekend rather than seeing me and what makes things even worse is the fact that we haven’t exchanged a single word. I think he’s pissed. He probably things I’m pissed. It’s a total breakdown in communication but he can get fucked if he thinks I’m making the first move. He did this. He changed our plans. He clearly wasn’t that bothered about seeing me otherwise we wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place, would we?

I know that if I message him, things will probably go right back to the way they were before. But I shouldn’t have to. I don’t chase. I’m not into playing these games with him. He hurt my feelings by choosing his friends over me, especially when he makes such a big deal about seeing me and made me promise him that I’d see him Sunday. Then he didn’t even bother getting back to me at all? It seems like such a petty, childish fight but I’m not gonna lie, it’s starting to really get to me. I cried last night. I genuinely cried. I can’t remember the last time I had a boy cry! It was horrible and I didn’t like it. I’m sad and lonely when he doesn’t talk to me. But again, although I know I can make things better just by messaging him, I don’t see why I should have to. This wasn’t my doing; it was his.

I hate this part of a relationship when the fights start. It makes me wonder if it’s really worth all the hassle. We’re only five months in and we’re already at the point where a fight prevents us from talking for FOUR days! We haven’t gone 4 days without talking since we first met – that very first day. I don’t understand what’s going on.

So what do I do? Swallow my pride and message him to find out what the fuck is going on? I’m a stubborn bitch so every ounce of my being is making sure I don’t message him first. We can’t exactly continue on like this though. We are meant to be going to The Redneck’s birthday party together on Saturday night…. It’s now Monday. How many more days are we going to go without saying a word to each other? Is he waiting for me to make the first move?

This is why I fucking hate relationships.