I love reading the stuff I come across on the Thought Catalog blog. (Again) I came across a really funny post about a 23 year old girl and the ten things that puzzled her the most in life. It got me to thinking, like these posts tend to do, what things still puzzle me on my downward slope to thirty. Which by the way, I am terrified of.
I am nowhere near at the place that I thought I would be at the age of 27. I imagined I would be more settled than I am by now. Maybe I thought I would have changed my mind about having kids by now. I didn’t imagine I would be living with my family once again, struggling to make it from pay check to pay check, working my ass off, and not really getting anywhere. I’m not wallowing in self-pity here – I know that my life is definitely better than most but even still, I didn’t think I’d be where I am right now.
Anyway, I decided to sit down and work out what the 10 things that still puzzle me at 27 are. This is what I come up with:
10 – Where do you go when you die?
I know you die so technically you are not really a “you” anymore. But what happens to you? I have a lot of personality. I am a “lotta woman” as Jock says, and I don’t like the idea of my spirit; the highs and lows of my personality, just “poofing” into mid-air. Gone. Nothing left.
Really, does that happen? I don’t like the idea of that. I very much would like to stay alive for now.
9 – Where does my money go?
Clearly I know where my money goes because I spend it but really, where the fuck does my money go? One day I will be rich, the next day I will be poor. I swear there’s another “me” inside me that spends money when I’m asleep.
8 – Where does the love go?
You are so in love with someone right at the beginning of the relationship. I am so in love with Jock right now but before that, I was so in love with Big Love. Before that, I was apparently so in love with the Hubby. Where does the love go for those people? Do I still love Hubby? Not in that way anymore, definitely not. I feel nothing for him.
Where did that love go? I must have loved him like I love Jock now otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. Not that I wanted to marry him, but that’s another story for another day perhaps. But I did love him. I remember being turned on by him and wanting him more than I want a cup of tea right now. I definitely lusted after Big Love like nothing else on earth. Where did that love go? Those days when I first returned home from the other side of the world and I thought my heart could break from the pain of leaving him – where did that pain go? I know time heals and all that bullshit but really, where does the love go? And if you loved someone once, will you always love them?
7 – What is the purpose of wasps?
Honestly I fucking hate these demon beasts. Bees I can just about handle, but a wasp? Na uh. Fuck that. What is the point in them? They just go around stinging shit. What do they really do that benefits anything in the world? Nothing. They are just nasty, mean bugs. Horrid bugs.
6 – How does karma work?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve probably deserved some of the bad shit that has happened in my life because I was a bitch when I was younger. I fucked guys over and didn’t care which I is perhaps why I am so forgiving for some of the bad stuff that certain men have caused me to live through. However, I have dated some really bad men. I have married a man that happily punched me in the face and then acted as though it was all my fault. I’m not sure if I told you this before but one of the worst nights we had, he took a step back and full on decked me in the face. I still have the scar of where he actually left his knuckle bone in my lip, I had to get it surgically removed, and then had fluorescent blue stitches in my face for almost two weeks. He did that to me. He actually did that to me. Where is his karma? I definitely didn’t deserve that punch in the face that night, especially because I was already upset as I had found out he cheated on me. How did I deserve that? And why hasn’t karma turned around and bitten him on the butt yet?
5 – Why do girls always go for bad guys?
Let’s be honest about this – all girls love a bad guy. What is it about them that attract us so much? I’ve definitely fallen prey of the bad guy more than once; I married one as I reminded you in point number 6. I love a good bad guy. The one great guy in my life is the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With. If I’m meant to be with anyone in this world, it’s him. I’m just not attracted to him like that. Don’t get me wrong – it enters my mind every now and again and I always wonder what it would be like if the two of us ever got together, but both of us are too afraid that our friendship/weird relationship would be destroyed if we dated. I’m a bitch and he’s too nice. I can see me breaking his heart and that is the last thing that I would ever want to do to him.
We know these guys are gonna break our hearts ladies, so why do we think that we will ever make it work with them? What makes us think that WE are the ones that will change them into the perfect husband and the doting father? We know it’s never going to happen, just like we know that they won’t ever leave their wives. They won’t stop fucking other women. They won’t stop punching us in the face. There are the rare gems out there that fuck up and then genuinely learn from their mistakes but, for the most part, they are all going to tear our hearts into tiny little pieces eventually. We should probably just stop running back for more.
4 – Where does the time go?
I remember being 18 years old and betting my Papa Smurf that I could ride his motorbike better than him before I reached the age 25. Back then I had all the time in the world. Now I’m on the downward slope to 30 and I never did take my bike test or ride his bike. I never passed my car test either. I’ve tried. I just don’t like driving. It’s a personal preference thing. I’d be super fat if I drove too. I’d be beyond lazy.
Where did all that time I had go? All those things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30 – well I don’t think I’ll be fitting many of those in now. I’ve got two and a half years. Shit. Where did all that time go? Why is time speeding up with every day that I get older?
3 – Why do I never have any clothes?
I have closets full of clothes. I have drawers and cabinets filled with clothes. Yet when it comes to picking an outfit, despite my pretty impressive closet and range of accessories and shoes, I can still never find anything to wear that looks good and fits me. It’s ridiculous. It takes me forever to get ready in the morning as it is, without having to pile on the pressure of needing to find something to wear as well.
I wish I could find an app for my phone where all of my clothes are displayed and I click on them and *poof*, as if by magic, they appear in my closet in front of me. That would make my life simpler. Someone should get right on to creating that. Please.
2 – Why condoms are free but I gotta pay for tampons?
Surely tampons should be available on healthcare like condoms are? It’s not like tampons or sanitary towels are a luxury, is it? You need these things if you are a girl – these are necessities! People would soon start getting annoyed if they needed to avoid the blood stains on the train or bus seats! It annoys me so much that we need to pay for tampons when young girls are given condoms for free and still get pregnant. It proper pisses me right off! I got my angry face on right now.
1 – Are you ever really ready to have kids?
I have some friends that already have kids and they tell me you can never really be ready to have kids. According to them you just jump in and hope for the best. On the other side of the coin, I have friends that whole-heartedly believe in their “plan” – they will meet a guy at a certain age, be married within a year and a half, on their way to having their first kid at the two-year mark. These girls know when they are going to be ready for kids because they’ll have everything they want – the guy, the house, the rock and then the wedding.
Is that really how it goes? I was married – I had the home, the car, the guy… I wasn’t ready to have kids. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having kids at that point, regardless of how shitty our marriage was. Even with the Big Love and all the feelings I had for him, I wouldn’t have even dreamed of us trying for a baby. It just never clicked into place for me.
Now I am happily settled down with a man I adore; a man that I’m pretty sure was made just for me, and the idea of having kids suddenly doesn’t seem quite as terrifying. I’m not saying that I’ve changed my mind – the thought of having them still makes me cringe, but at the same time, is this me being on my way to ready? Or is an “I don’t know” the best I’m ever going to get? Will I ever be ready to have a baby? Will I ever change my mind?