So there have been another couple of blissful days with my beautiful Tattooed Jock. Another couple of days that we spent literally hanging out in his trailer. We didn’t go anywhere. We didn’t do anything. We just fucked. We fucked and watched X Factor and ate bread and we fucked. That’s all we did for the entire weekend. It was amazing. And beautiful. I’m still very much in love.
Of course, something had to go awry because that’s what happens with my love life, isn’t it? When I text the oh-so-familiar “I’m freaking out. I think it’s happening again.” To the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, my hands were shaking and my heart was in my throat.
What’s happened, I hear you ask? What has gone wrong? Well ladies and gentlemen; let me tell you the story of the little girl that made shit up in her head.
The tale started so brilliantly with a love story that seemed too good to be true. Just four months in and the white-haired Princess and her beautiful Tattooed Jock were chilling and watching TV on a Saturday night.
“I wish I could keep the very first message that I ever sent to you. I bet it was something cute” he said.
“Hey gorgeous was what you said” was my reply.
I was behind him on the couch so I grabbed my phone and went onto the dating website that we met on. I was trying to see if I could recover the very first message. I couldn’t. What I did find however was that Jock was not only still on the dating site, but he had also changed his photo and most of his profile since we had started our love affair. He was “looking for some fun – nothing serious”, or so it stated in his profile.
What the fuck. It’s happening again. I have found another fucking scumbag. With shaky hands I text the Bestie and made him aware of the situation. “Its fine”, he said, “You’ll get through this. I’ll help you. Your heart will hurt but we’ll pick you back up again.”
He’s such a good friend, my Bestie. I don’t talk about him enough. He really is my knight in shining armor and my guardian angel, all wrapped up in a lovely little package.
Anyway, I decide to quiz Jock on my new found knowledge. Instantly, he gets lairy. For those that don’t know what that means, his voice went up a couple of decibels, he started getting agitated and he couldn’t look me in the eye. Lairy.
What is happening? He’s basically confirming my suspicions. Why’s he reacting this way? My normally placid beautiful man is going a little crazy here. Why?
We left it at that when I realized that I wasn’t getting on with his attitude at all, and he went to pick his friends up from the bar. When he came back, I was already in bed and I decided to have that damn conversation. My speech went a little something like this:
I’ve had my heart broken before and I don’t know if I want to go through the heartache of being cheated on again. I don’t like the fact that you have the profile on there and although I still have mine on there, it is out of sheer laziness; I don’t go on it, my profile is hidden and I’m all yours. I just need to know if you’re all mine because if you’re not, I don’t want it. I refuse to be humiliated like that again. Now tell me the truth – are you still dating other people because as far as I was aware, we gave up that right when we agreed to become exclusive and bf/gf, and I’m pretty sure it was automatically assumed that we gave up that right when we said the L-word to each other?
This was pretty much where he interrupted me to look at me deep in the eyes with his beautiful big baby-blues and tell me that he only wanted me, he definitely doesn’t want anyone else, and he’s sorry for it still being on there.
What about the picture? The picture has changed – it’s the picture I took of you at the zoo. And your profile has changed since we started doing our thing. Have you been searching for other people this whole time?
Once again he interrupted me – he had deactivated his profile and then set one up again to check and see if I was breaking his heart. I hadn’t even given this idea a second thought. He reactivated the account, basically, but had to put a new picture and set up a new profile page. He did it to see if I was still on the dating site, trawling for other guys.
I was so wrapped up with the idea of getting my heartbroken – an idea that, to be quite honest, popped up out of nowhere, that I hadn’t even stopped to think that his heart might be vulnerable too. I hadn’t even entertained the idea for a split second. What sort of person does that make me?
I believe him. I don’t distrust him in the slightest. I don’t trust him 100% of course because I’m petrified of getting my heart broken. I trust him a lot though. Definitely more than I would be willing to let on to him. Do I believe he would do that to me? Do I really think that he would still be out trawling for girls? No, of course I don’t. I know he thinks he’s lucky to have me and I’m definitely lucky to have him. I would shout that from the rooftops any day of the week. I jumped to the wrong conclusion within seconds of being greeted by the image and I didn’t even give him the chance to explain before I gave him my broken-heart crap.
I’ve turned into the girl that makes shit up in her head.