We’ll be Fucking like Gorillas….?

Every now and again, Jock will send me songs that I should listen to. It’s his way of telling me how he feels. It’s cute really – I kinda like it. He always seems to find the perfect song.

It all kick started with “All of Me” by John Legend. The song gave me goosebumps. It’s such a beautiful song. Jock sent it to me with the message “That’s exactly how I feel about you”. It melted my heart. We are literally the cutest couple in the world. You remember the first time we said the L-Word, right?

Music has played a big part in our relationship. I guess we all have THOSE songs that remind us of that special someone, don’t we? I’ve named some of the songs that reminded me of the guys in my past before. Things like Sick Puppies – “I Hate You” will always remind me of Big Love, for example. “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Cascada will always remind me of the Hubby because that’s the song I walked down the aisle to.

Nine Inch Nails – “Closer” will always remind me of that very first night in the tent when we slept together for the first time. You can read more about that here – The Tale of the 24 Hour Third Date. Every time I hear that song, I get instantly turned on. It’s a sexy song anyway but when I remember the sound of the rain on the tent and the way we had steamed up the inside… Wow. That was an amazing night. I’d give anything to have that night one more time.

“Burn” by Ellie Goulding always reminds me of him now. It’s like our late-summer anthem. It makes me smile. I guess it’s just a feel good song.

The latest song he sent to me had the same sort of effect as “Closer”. This time it was Bruno Mars – “Gorilla”. I hadn’t heard the song before so I went on over to my iPad, bought up YouTube and started having a look. The song wasn’t quite what I had expected. To be fair I just assumed it was going to be another soppy number, explaining exactly how much Jock loves me. It wasn’t. Neither was the video. Watch it here to see what I mean:

It’s a damn sexy song. Jock and I do fuck like gorillas! He is my silver back gorilla. The second I heard the song, I got goosebumps. The song is perfect for us. We do fuck like gorillas. I’m banging on his chest and he’s making my body tremble. He makes me actually shudder. When was the last time you could say that you had a shuddering orgasm? One of those climaxes that makes your toes curl up and your hands tingle? Well ladies – that’s me every time with this man. He’s not the biggest guy I’ve ever had. He’s not the fittest guy or the most beautiful guy. He’s my guy and he’s perfect. We fit together so naturally and I’m instantly turned on the second I’m around him. I actually bought out my inner morning bitch for this man for the first time because he didn’t fuck me before we fell asleep.

I had awoken at 4 in the morning with the realization that we hadn’t had sex. I had gotten stoned the night before and we’d shared a couple of bottles of wine. It was lovely. I had a shower and primped and preened, ready to take our perfect night into the bedroom and we got a little too comfortable. He noticed I was falling asleep and I told him that I wanted him first. He said he would wake me up. I liked the sound of that and promptly dozed off. He didn’t wake me up. He fell asleep and at 4 in the morning when I woke up, I was fucking livid.

I sighed and huffed for a few moments and then crawled down the bed and sucked him hard. He woke up to me mounting him, right after that first moment of penetration when I’m covered in goosebumps. It felt good and I needed the release. This is what I’m like around him. I’m scared that he’ll soon lose the ability to keep up with me. I’m getting a little out of control. I rode him as he gained consciousness but after a little while, it was starting to become clear that I wasn’t going to get my happy ending. The longer I didn’t, the more frustrated I got and when he grunted into my ear “You’re gonna have to come quickly baby, I’m close”, my pissed-off-ometer reached breaking point.

“It’s not happening” I complained as I stopped what I was doing and dismounted. This poor guy was lying there shell shocked. He had been woken up by his girlfriend climbing on to a penis that she had sucked hard in his sleep for about five minutes, riding him for around five more minutes and then getting pissed off and climbing off. I don’t even think he was awake because as I got up and slept on the couch and he stayed on the bed and fell asleep, I realized that I was lying there angry and now alone. Wow I was pissed. I attempted to have a bit of a fight with him, hoping to awaken some sort of spark enough to get me off, and he was far too sleepy to get anything out of.

I didn’t really go back to sleep after that and when he got up and we were invited to breakfast by The Redneck (landlord/good buddy/work mate), I told him I wasn’t going and refused to talk to him. I didn’t get laid and I didn’t sleep. Jock got my morning grump in full force. By the time he came home, I had fallen asleep on the couch and he kissed my forehead and wrapped a blanket around me. I love him really and I wasn’t mad at him for very long after that. We fucked eventually anyway and I came damn hard after being turned on with no finale for hours. All is forgiven. And I still love the song!

Yo honey, I’m jealous!

Ah that jealous bitch has returned. I haven’t seen her in a while. She’s been away for a while. I’ve not really had anyone that I was that bothered about to get jealous for a long time so it’s a feeling I’m not enjoying much. I thought I’d managed to get rid of her for good.

I trust Jock and I feel that I should say this. I do trust him. I think he’s a good guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our love for each other right now. He’s going through this phase of thinking (well, joking) that he’s not good enough for me. He’s a haggard old man and I’m hot. Those were his words, not mine. We are in this little bubble and I definitely don’t think he’d try and sleep with anyone else. We have a connection, you see. I don’t think either of us have this feeling with many other people.

He met up with a friend from the other side of the world that he used to visit often. She was female and quite pretty. They went to the Big City and did lots of touristy stuff. I sent him a jokey message – “She gets excitement Jock and I get house husband Jock. I see how it is.”

It wasn’t until after I had sent the message that I realized there was an element of truth in what I had said. This other girl had been taken out and wined and dined by my guy. The worst of it was he didn’t tell me what they had gotten up to. I had to find out because she had posted it all over his Facebook. This is why I hate Facebook. Facebook is the devil. It’s addictive but it sure is the devil.

I was instantly jealous over their day out despite the fact that he picked me up on the way home and I then spent two glorious days with him. We had a bad night while I was there too. I might talk about this in a minute.

What the fuck am I jealous of here? He came home to me. I’m pretty sure he didn’t screw her in the middle of the Big City. They are just friends. What has gotten me so riled up? What is happening to me? I’m assuming you read my previous crazy bitch post – The Story of the Girl who Made Shit up in Her Head!

JealousyJealousy isn’t something that I handle well and I’m pretty sure you’ve all gathered that much about me. I’ve been cheated on a lot and it hurts my damn heart every time, so the second the thought of it enters my head, I get angry. And scared. And emotional. My fists clench. It feels like my gut is churning. I get shaky. My heart races. I hate the feeling. It happens far too often to me. I don’t understand why I got angry about Jock’s day out with a purely platonic friend. Maybe I don’t trust him half as much as I think I do? I guess I’m never really going to trust anyone completely. After the guys I’ve dated/married/moved to the other side of the world for, it’s hardly surprising.

Part of me wants to talk about this newfound jealousy with him because he’s older than me and we can talk about everything. As much as I hate it when he uses the age difference against me, I love the fact that he has learned more life lessons than I have. I’ve got all these things to come. I know he’ll kiss me and hold my hand and look me right in the eyes and tell me I’m being daft, but how the hell am I meant to say to him “Yo honey, I’m green with jealousy after your day out with your beautiful friend from the other side of the world. Can you come here and massage my ego please?”

I’ve missed being in love.

10 Things That Still Puzzle Me at 27

I love reading the stuff I come across on the Thought Catalog blog. (Again) I came across a really funny post about a 23 year old girl and the ten things that puzzled her the most in life. It got me to thinking, like these posts tend to do, what things still puzzle me on my downward slope to thirty. Which by the way, I am terrified of.

I am nowhere near at the place that I thought I would be at the age of 27. I imagined I would be more settled than I am by now. Maybe I thought I would have changed my mind about having kids by now. I didn’t imagine I would be living with my family once again, struggling to make it from pay check to pay check, working my ass off, and not really getting anywhere. I’m not wallowing in self-pity here – I know that my life is definitely better than most but even still, I didn’t think I’d be where I am right now.

Anyway, I decided to sit down and work out what the 10 things that still puzzle me at 27 are. This is what I come up with:

10 – Where do you go when you die?

DeathI know you die so technically you are not really a “you” anymore. But what happens to you? I have a lot of personality. I am a “lotta woman” as Jock says, and I don’t like the idea of my spirit; the highs and lows of my personality, just “poofing” into mid-air. Gone. Nothing left.

Really, does that happen? I don’t like the idea of that. I very much would like to stay alive for now.

9 – Where does my money go?

MoneyClearly I know where my money goes because I spend it but really, where the fuck does my money go? One day I will be rich, the next day I will be poor. I swear there’s another “me” inside me that spends money when I’m asleep.

8 – Where does the love go?

LoveYou are so in love with someone right at the beginning of the relationship. I am so in love with Jock right now but before that, I was so in love with Big Love. Before that, I was apparently so in love with the Hubby. Where does the love go for those people? Do I still love Hubby? Not in that way anymore, definitely not. I feel nothing for him.

Where did that love go? I must have loved him like I love Jock now otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. Not that I wanted to marry him, but that’s another story for another day perhaps. But I did love him. I remember being turned on by him and wanting him more than I want a cup of tea right now. I definitely lusted after Big Love like nothing else on earth. Where did that love go? Those days when I first returned home from the other side of the world and I thought my heart could break from the pain of leaving him – where did that pain go? I know time heals and all that bullshit but really, where does the love go? And if you loved someone once, will you always love them?

7 – What is the purpose of wasps?

WaspHonestly I fucking hate these demon beasts. Bees I can just about handle, but a wasp? Na uh. Fuck that. What is the point in them? They just go around stinging shit. What do they really do that benefits anything in the world? Nothing. They are just nasty, mean bugs. Horrid bugs.

6 – How does karma work?

KarmaNow don’t get me wrong, I’ve probably deserved some of the bad shit that has happened in my life because I was a bitch when I was younger. I fucked guys over and didn’t care which I is perhaps why I am so forgiving for some of the bad stuff that certain men have caused me to live through. However, I have dated some really bad men. I have married a man that happily punched me in the face and then acted as though it was all my fault. I’m not sure if I told you this before but one of the worst nights we had, he took a step back and full on decked me in the face. I still have the scar of where he actually left his knuckle bone in my lip, I had to get it surgically removed, and then had fluorescent blue stitches in my face for almost two weeks. He did that to me. He actually did that to me. Where is his karma? I definitely didn’t deserve that punch in the face that night, especially because I was already upset as I had found out he cheated on me. How did I deserve that? And why hasn’t karma turned around and bitten him on the butt yet?

5 – Why do girls always go for bad guys?

Bad BoysLet’s be honest about this – all girls love a bad guy. What is it about them that attract us so much? I’ve definitely fallen prey of the bad guy more than once; I married one as I reminded you in point number 6. I love a good bad guy. The one great guy in my life is the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With. If I’m meant to be with anyone in this world, it’s him. I’m just not attracted to him like that. Don’t get me wrong – it enters my mind every now and again and I always wonder what it would be like if the two of us ever got together, but both of us are too afraid that our friendship/weird relationship would be destroyed if we dated. I’m a bitch and he’s too nice. I can see me breaking his heart and that is the last thing that I would ever want to do to him.

We know these guys are gonna break our hearts ladies, so why do we think that we will ever make it work with them? What makes us think that WE are the ones that will change them into the perfect husband and the doting father? We know it’s never going to happen, just like we know that they won’t ever leave their wives. They won’t stop fucking other women. They won’t stop punching us in the face. There are the rare gems out there that fuck up and then genuinely learn from their mistakes but, for the most part, they are all going to tear our hearts into tiny little pieces eventually. We should probably just stop running back for more.

4 – Where does the time go?

TimeI remember being 18 years old and betting my Papa Smurf that I could ride his motorbike better than him before I reached the age 25. Back then I had all the time in the world. Now I’m on the downward slope to 30 and I never did take my bike test or ride his bike. I never passed my car test either. I’ve tried. I just don’t like driving. It’s a personal preference thing. I’d be super fat if I drove too. I’d be beyond lazy.

Where did all that time I had go? All those things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30 – well I don’t think I’ll be fitting many of those in now. I’ve got two and a half years. Shit. Where did all that time go? Why is time speeding up with every day that I get older?

3 – Why do I never have any clothes?

ClosetI have closets full of clothes. I have drawers and cabinets filled with clothes. Yet when it comes to picking an outfit, despite my pretty impressive closet and range of accessories and shoes, I can still never find anything to wear that looks good and fits me. It’s ridiculous. It takes me forever to get ready in the morning as it is, without having to pile on the pressure of needing to find something to wear as well.

I wish I could find an app for my phone where all of my clothes are displayed and I click on them and *poof*, as if by magic, they appear in my closet in front of me. That would make my life simpler. Someone should get right on to creating that. Please.

2 – Why condoms are free but I gotta pay for tampons?

TamponsSurely tampons should be available on healthcare like condoms are? It’s not like tampons or sanitary towels are a luxury, is it? You need these things if you are a girl – these are necessities! People would soon start getting annoyed if they needed to avoid the blood stains on the train or bus seats! It annoys me so much that we need to pay for tampons when young girls are given condoms for free and still get pregnant. It proper pisses me right off! I got my angry face on right now.

1 – Are you ever really ready to have kids?

KidsI have some friends that already have kids and they tell me you can never really be ready to have kids. According to them you just jump in and hope for the best. On the other side of the coin, I have friends that whole-heartedly believe in their “plan” – they will meet a guy at a certain age, be married within a year and a half, on their way to having their first kid at the two-year mark. These girls know when they are going to be ready for kids because they’ll have everything they want – the guy, the house, the rock and then the wedding.

Is that really how it goes? I was married – I had the home, the car, the guy… I wasn’t ready to have kids. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having kids at that point, regardless of how shitty our marriage was. Even with the Big Love and all the feelings I had for him, I wouldn’t have even dreamed of us trying for a baby. It just never clicked into place for me.

Now I am happily settled down with a man I adore; a man that I’m pretty sure was made just for me, and the idea of having kids suddenly doesn’t seem quite as terrifying. I’m not saying that I’ve changed my mind – the thought of having them still makes me cringe, but at the same time, is this me being on my way to ready? Or is an “I don’t know” the best I’m ever going to get? Will I ever be ready to have a baby? Will I ever change my mind?

It’s hard work being in your twenties. That’s all I’m saying.

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A Daughter’s Cry

We have a show on this side of the world called The Jeremy Kyle Show. You may have heard of this guy but he’s basically a “Jerry Springer” type that occasionally has good stories as well as the usual dramas of fat people with no teeth shouting at each other.

Sperm DonorOne of the stories that catch my heart every time is the one where a son or daughter is trying to find their estranged father. If you have been reading my blog since the beginning, you will already know that I don’t know my father. He left my mother when I was about 6 months old and with the exception of a phone call or two and the odd letter, I’ve not had any contact with him. I haven’t met him.

When I was younger, this used to upset me more than I let on to a lot of people. When I was about 14, I went through my Mama Bear’s stuff and found some letters from my Nan – my father’s mother. I sent her a letter and for a while, we kept in touch. She bought me a phone that started a fight between me, my Mama Bear and my Nan, and this lead to me saying something things I very much regret. She died of stomach cancer not long after our fight and one of my biggest regrets was not meeting her before she died. I also regret not sorting out our fight. I will never get the chance to make things right with her and that breaks my heart more than anything else in the world.

My father has a sister – my Aunt. We kept in contact for a while but after the fight, I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk to me anymore.

Anyway, I digress. I found my father when I was 18; almost ten years ago. I found him on the internet, picked up the phone and gave him a call. Literally – “Hi, I’m your daughter.”

We chatted for a while but he wouldn’t answer any questions as to why he left my Mama Bear. He wouldn’t give me even the slightest insight as to why a grown man would leave his partner, who he was supposed to love, and their six-month old child. I tried to arrange a meeting in the year or so that we chatted but got brushed off every time. He is married now, of course; they have a boy and a girl together. I have a half-brother and sister. Technically, I now have two sisters and a brother. I don’t class them as my family. When I’m asked if I have any siblings, I just have the one sister. These people aren’t my family. I don’t even know them.

Since my wedding day when my father sent flowers, I have had no communication with him. He hasn’t even tried to get in touch with me either. I guess he has his life now and I have mine. Every now and again, usually when I’m watching these stories on The Jeremy Kyle Show, I get a twinge for a life that I don’t know about. It would be nice to find out what I’m made of. It would be lovely to find where I get my odd personality quirks from. A lot of me I can see in my Mama Bear but a lot I can’t place and it always feels as if something is missing for me. It’s almost like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in any place. It’s not as big as it used to be, but the feeling is very much still there. I wonder if this has something to do with my absent father?

I have my Papa Smurf – he’s my step-daddy. He has been around since I was like two years old so as far as I am concerned, he is very much my daddy and I would never say otherwise. I’ve always known that he wasn’t my real father, but I’ve never wanted to treat him like any other than the guy that raised me even though he didn’t have to. And between you and me, I was a little shit as a kid. Even into my teens, in fact. I’m still a little shit now.

My Mama Bear and Papa Smurf aren’t together now, and they haven’t been together for about ten years. That’s not a big deal. They both have new partners but to me, they will always be my Mama Bear and Papa Smurf.

The fact that I don’t know my father bugs me every day. It annoys me how much it still bugs me sometimes and I often wonder if my choice of men, and the situations that I constantly seem to find myself in when it comes to men, has anything to do with the guy that couldn’t stick around long enough to see how much of an awesome person I have become.

I’m proud of who I am and what I have done with my life and it would be nice to think that he would think the same about me. The fact is he doesn’t know me and he doesn’t know where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I’m sure a lot of it, he would be rather proud of. I’ve done things that some people never have the chance to do in their entire lifetime and for that, I feel truly blessed. I have seen some breath-taking views on my trot around the world, and I have experienced some truly majestic things. I’ve met some of the coolest people in the world, and I’ve had some sad times too but overall, I’m insanely proud of what I have managed to achieve in my life. It would be so nice to tell him about those things. It would be nice to feel his arms around me and to hear the words “I’m proud of you” whispered into my ear. I’m too grown up to get that sort of shit from my family now, but it would be nice to hear it just the once from him.

I’ve never met him and I don’t even have contact with him now. I don’t think we’ve had contact for about ten years and even back then, it was only for like a year or so. I don’t factor in his life and that’s what puts me out the most. I’m a fucking cool person and I deserve to be a feature in someone’s life. I might have the biggest group of friends but the people that call me their friend will gladly tell you that I am one of the most generous people you’ll ever meet. I have no dramas spending my entire wages if it meant making someone else happy or helping someone else out. I will give you my last penny if I class you as my friend. I’ll always make time for the people in my life that I care about and time is not something I have a lot of. I would walk a thousand miles in the middle of the night for the people that I care about, and I would gladly take a bullet for any of them. I deserve to be a special person in someone’s life. Not just the side show when your other family isn’t around.

I wonder if his kids know about me. I wonder if they will want to find me sometimes. I wonder if he wants to find me. If he really wanted to find me, he would have done something about it a long time ago. He doesn’t care. I don’t want someone that blah in my life. I need someone that is passionate about something and if you can’t be passionate about your own kids, what are you going to be passionate about?

Fuck him.

10 Things I Hate About Sex

I have a huge blog-crush on Thought Catalog, which is probably patently obvious judging by the amount I re-blog them, as such. This post definitely made me laugh and I definitely feel that it deserves a bit more attention. It also makes me wonder what sort of things that you guys hate about sex? I read some pretty diverse blogs sometimes and I find each and every single one of them insanely intriguing. I’d love to know what you guys hate about sex – please carry this on!

*The link – 10 Things Everyone Hates About Sex

For now, I’m going to invite you once more into my sex life. I’m going to let you know the 10 things that I hate about sex!

10 – Those little noises.

Sex FartThis bugs me more than anything else on the planet. Why does my body feel the need to expel gas from my anus right at the crucial moment? It happened to me whilst fucking Jock just last week. Honestly, why the fuck does my body do that to me? I’m right there – right on the brink and then I concentrate and strain and *toot*; there it is.

9 – Does he think I just climaxed?

Fake OrgasmOne thing that irritates me more than someone taking the last chicken bake in my local cafe is a man that thinks I came when I didn’t. You know what I’m talking about there – you think you might be getting there so you get a little bit more excited, and then he takes that as you pretty much being there and you can see the relief hit his face right there as he’s screwing you. Then he pounds away and climaxes himself and you are left all unsatisfied and, even worse than that, you basically just faked it. Uncool. Sort it out guys.

8 – Body fluids.

SpermI hate it when a guy cums inside of me. Honestly it is the worst feeling in the world. The sensation of his slimy cum dripping down my ass onto the bed makes my skin crawl. I can’t rush to the bathroom quick enough. It grosses me out. I would much rather he finished in my mouth, my boobs; even my damn hair than inside of me. Ew.

7 – Guys that “fake’ it…

Breasts…When it comes to my tits. I have a large rack. Guys notice them. They get excited about them. I quite like the fact that even though I have lost a lot of weight, my boobs are still massive and they are all the more noticeable now that I’m skinner. What I hate is a guy that gets excited about my tits and then doesn’t feature them in the starring attraction. No tit-foreplay. Jock loves playing with my tits. That’s one of the reasons I love fucking him so much. Not many guys know exactly what to do with them though. It’s sad but true.

6 – Look into my eyes…

Orgasm FaceWhy the fuck would you want to look right into my eyes at the point of no return? I’ve got a horrible orgasm-face. I am aware of this and I embrace it. I am sexier in other ways – you would be surprised at how horny it is when someone’s mouth is that close to yours when you explode with breath as your body pulsates with your climax. And then you can close your eyes. Seriously – turn the lights off or let me bury my face in the pillow. I don’t need you to see that face almost as much as I probably won’t like the way you look when you cum either. It’s a given that guys pull weird faces at the crucial moment. We’ve all been there.

5 – I’m not made of glass.

Spank MeI hate guys that treat me like I’m the most fragile thing they’ve ever had in their hands. Seriously men – it’s okay to slap my ass or pull my hair. Jock is a bit older and very respectful of me and sometimes I wish he had a bit more spark in him. This changed last weekend however; he did all of the above. He slapped my ass and pulled my hair, kissed me and squeezed me hard. He left bruises and it felt good. Sometimes girls like it rough guys – it’s okay to explore these things from time to time.

 4 – Guys that don’t finger me.

FingerI don’t know if I’m allowed to say that but there; I’ve said it. What happened to the days when your fingers were inside me more often than not? I like being fingered. Why don’t guys do it more often? Please put your fingers inside me and try and find my g-spot. Please put a second finger in just to see how I’ll react. Please play with my clit. But not my clit directly – this is too much for me. You need to play around the clit. That’s what I like. Try and slide a third finger in just to see how I’ll react. Maybe even try some more… Honestly – I really like it.

3 – Silence.

SilenceI hate silence no matter what I’m doing. I can’t have silence. I have music on when I’m out and about and not talking to someone. I have the TV on when I’m at home and all through the night when I’m sleeping because I get easily freaked out by the silence. It’s never silent in my life. I hate silence during sex. It freaks me out! I need background noise like some sexy music or a film playing away to itself in the background. Please don’t try and have sex with me when it’s really quiet. I won’t enjoy it.

2 – Bush.

PubesI don’t have hair. I don’t want you to be bald but please don’t have lots of hair. And you definitely need to trim your balls. I like to pop them in my mouth when I go down on you and I won’t want to do that if you’re all furry. Just do us all a favor and get the trimmer to the area every once in a while. Us ladies know that you are men and not very good at grooming but you could at least put in half a shot of effort at least.

1 – You stopped?

Premature EjaculationGuys that finish giving me head before I’m done really pisses me off. Once I get comfortable with a guy, giving me head is the fastest way to get things kick-started but I’m not going to lie; sometimes it takes a while. I get real nervous and squirmy when guys give me head. I’m pretty sure we’ve discussed this before.

If I let you give me head, you had better fucking finish me off. That’s all I’m going to say.

The Story of the Girl That Made Shit Up in Her Head

So there have been another couple of blissful days with my beautiful Tattooed Jock. Another couple of days that we spent literally hanging out in his trailer. We didn’t go anywhere. We didn’t do anything. We just fucked. We fucked and watched X Factor and ate bread and we fucked. That’s all we did for the entire weekend. It was amazing. And beautiful. I’m still very much in love.

Of course, something had to go awry because that’s what happens with my love life, isn’t it? When I text the oh-so-familiar “I’m freaking out. I think it’s happening again.” To the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, my hands were shaking and my heart was in my throat.

What’s happened, I hear you ask? What has gone wrong? Well ladies and gentlemen; let me tell you the story of the little girl that made shit up in her head.

The tale started so brilliantly with a love story that seemed too good to be true. Just four months in and the white-haired Princess and her beautiful Tattooed Jock were chilling and watching TV on a Saturday night.

“I wish I could keep the very first message that I ever sent to you. I bet it was something cute” he said.

“Hey gorgeous was what you said” was my reply.

I was behind him on the couch so I grabbed my phone and went onto the dating website that we met on. I was trying to see if I could recover the very first message. I couldn’t. What I did find however was that Jock was not only still on the dating site, but he had also changed his photo and most of his profile since we had started our love affair. He was “looking for some fun – nothing serious”, or so it stated in his profile.

What the fuck. It’s happening again. I have found another fucking scumbag. With shaky hands I text the Bestie and made him aware of the situation. “Its fine”, he said, “You’ll get through this. I’ll help you. Your heart will hurt but we’ll pick you back up again.”

He’s such a good friend, my Bestie. I don’t talk about him enough. He really is my knight in shining armor and my guardian angel, all wrapped up in a lovely little package.

Anyway, I decide to quiz Jock on my new found knowledge. Instantly, he gets lairy. For those that don’t know what that means, his voice went up a couple of decibels, he started getting agitated and he couldn’t look me in the eye. Lairy.

What is happening? He’s basically confirming my suspicions. Why’s he reacting this way? My normally placid beautiful man is going a little crazy here. Why?

We left it at that when I realized that I wasn’t getting on with his attitude at all, and he went to pick his friends up from the bar. When he came back, I was already in bed and I decided to have that damn conversation. My speech went a little something like this:

I’ve had my heart broken before and I don’t know if I want to go through the heartache of being cheated on again. I don’t like the fact that you have the profile on there and although I still have mine on there, it is out of sheer laziness; I don’t go on it, my profile is hidden and I’m all yours. I just need to know if you’re all mine because if you’re not, I don’t want it. I refuse to be humiliated like that again. Now tell me the truth – are you still dating other people because as far as I was aware, we gave up that right when we agreed to become exclusive and bf/gf, and I’m pretty sure it was automatically assumed that we gave up that right when we said the L-word to each other?

This was pretty much where he interrupted me to look at me deep in the eyes with his beautiful big baby-blues and tell me that he only wanted me, he definitely doesn’t want anyone else, and he’s sorry for it still being on there.

What about the picture? The picture has changed – it’s the picture I took of you at the zoo. And your profile has changed since we started doing our thing. Have you been searching for other people this whole time?

Once again he interrupted me – he had deactivated his profile and then set one up again to check and see if I was breaking his heart. I hadn’t even given this idea a second thought. He reactivated the account, basically, but had to put a new picture and set up a new profile page. He did it to see if I was still on the dating site, trawling for other guys.

I was so wrapped up with the idea of getting my heartbroken – an idea that, to be quite honest, popped up out of nowhere, that I hadn’t even stopped to think that his heart might be vulnerable too. I hadn’t even entertained the idea for a split second. What sort of person does that make me?

ParanoidI believe him. I don’t distrust him in the slightest. I don’t trust him 100% of course because I’m petrified of getting my heart broken. I trust him a lot though. Definitely more than I would be willing to let on to him. Do I believe he would do that to me? Do I really think that he would still be out trawling for girls? No, of course I don’t. I know he thinks he’s lucky to have me and I’m definitely lucky to have him. I would shout that from the rooftops any day of the week. I jumped to the wrong conclusion within seconds of being greeted by the image and I didn’t even give him the chance to explain before I gave him my broken-heart crap.

I’ve turned into the girl that makes shit up in her head.

Fuck Me. Where Did That Come From?

I have just had the most amazing four sleeps with my homeboy (Jock) and honestly, I’m in the bestest kinda love. The real kind.

I have no words to describe exactly how much I’m feeling for this guy right now. This guy is the most amazing person I have ever met. He’s funny and cool and tender and loving and a real man and… I could go on for some time. Do you mind?

Honestly he is rocking my world in a way that I don’t think anyone has ever rocked my world before. I’m totally myself around him and I get the impression that he is totally himself too. This means that all the bad habits things we wouldn’t like about each other later on are right out there in the open already. Well most of it… we’ll come to that shortly.

There’s nothing I don’t like about this guy. I blow raspberries on his belly and it makes funny fart noises and it’s kinda become our “thing” now. He blubbers his belly around so that the fart noises change and it makes him laugh so hard, it looks like his head might explode. I’ve never seen a guy laugh like that in front of me before. It’s an amazing feeling. To be fair I’ve made it sound rather unattractive. I guess in reality it is…?

That’s the thing about us. We aren’t shy. We aren’t hidden. We aren’t covered up. We are right out there in front of each other. We basically just spent four amazing days and nights together and I’m not going to lie, it has been utterly beautiful. Just us in his trailer. So little space filled with so much love. I sound like a freaking Hallmark card right now but honestly, that’s how I’m feeling.

I had Friday right through until Wednesday off when I would go back to work. He had Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. He picked me up Thursday night and I was meant to have gone home on Saturday evening. I didn’t. I chose to stay on Saturday, wait for him while he was at work (I picked my laptop up) and then he would drive me home on Sunday night. Well he got sick. Not gross sick. Ear infection sick. It might not have seen like much to you or me but in his line of work, his hearing could save his life so it wasn’t really advisable for him to be at work. He got sent home from work on Sunday afternoon and he chose to stay off today as well, dropping me at home just a couple of hours ago.

That’s the thing about this guy – I don’t to leave. I don’t want to come home. I don’t want to run for the hills like I did with One Ball or The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of. I didn’t want to leave tonight but I had an awful lot of shit to do and one of us had to be sensible. I love going to bed with him. I love being on the couch with him. I love being in the car with him. I love waking up with him right there next to me. I don’t know what the fuck has happened to me. Had she finally found her happy ending? Is this it? I’m fucking excited right now. I know this sounds like an awful lot of bullshit – I does even to me as I write this, but we have a real connection guys. It’s very real and it’s very powerful. I literally cannot keep my hands off this guy. I have never felt a lust for someone quite like this. It’s mental. We fuck all the time. We’re not young either peeps – he’s in the mid to late stages of his thirties, and I’m only a few years off being 30 myself. The way we are together – it’s like we are horny teenagers. But worse. We are horny teenagers that know what we are doing this time around and rock the crap outta it.

I cannot describe to you the things that this guy does to me. Oh my gosh. He looks at me in this way that I know exactly what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna walk over to me and kiss me in that way that makes me wet before I’ve even had a chance to think about it. He’s going to put his hands somewhere on my body – probably my arms or my legs. Sometimes my bum or my hips. He’ll squeeze them. He’ll squeeze them in that way he does that hurts me but turns me on far too much to admit to at the same time. The harder he squeezes, the hornier I get. It’s not a power thing or a hurt thing. It’s a desire thing. He wants me. And I want him.

The kisses will get more intense. He’ll start kissing my neck or my collarbone. He’ll kiss down to my nipples that, for your information, spring to attention the second he just so happens to glance at them. He’s noticed it too. He plays me like a fucking fiddle. It drives me crazy but at the same time, it’s so very good. He’s an addiction. I can’t get enough of him. I’m addicted to him. The more I have him, the more I want him. I left him barely an hour and a half ago and I’m already burning up between the legs. We fucked maybe three hours ago. I still have him inside of me. Already I need more. This is lust with feelings. This is powerful stuff too. I can’t control it and I’ve given up trying. He can have what he wants. He already has my heart and that’s the only real thing I was worried about anyway.

He looks at me like he really wants me. I’m going to admit to something that I’m not very proud of right now and I want you to promise me that you won’t judge me. I’m not going to tell you the story because that will definitely be for another day, but I will just say this – I smoked crack once and it felt amazing. It felt so good that it scared me and I never touched it ever again. I never will. That shit is dangerous and the second I put the pipe to my lips and inhaled, I knew I was in very dangerous territory. That was the first and last time I ever did it. Never again.

The way he makes me feel is better than the way I felt on that day. If loving someone can make me feel this good, I’ve not loved before. Not proper love. Not like this. The Big Love was an amazing person in my life and I really loved him but even still, that was nothing compared to the way I feel about Jock right now. My beautiful Tattooed Jock.

I have known this guy for a week short of four months. How am I feeling this much for him already? How are we this in tune with each other already? I can’t even stay mad at him. I get annoyed easily y little things, or at least I did with Big Love, and Jock had put my chocolate bar in the fridge. I hate it when it’s cold because it hurts my teeth when I bite into it and I’ve told him this before. I was annoyed that he hadn’t remembered because I’m a bitch like that and he literally let me have my five minute huff, came over to me, kissed me and started the above process of seduction that is never the same as the time before yet ticks all the right buttons, and once again had me naked from the waist down and riding his cock on the couch within about three minutes. It would have been less but I suddenly found myself confronted by his penis and my mouth was right there… it would have been rude not to 😉

f0e13096c5e4133be4135cc96a932993I was enjoying sucking his cock when he suddenly stopped me and pulled me on top of him. Every time he enters me for the first time, I get goosebumps all over. That first moment of penetration feels so good, my entire body tingles. Even when he has licked me to an earth-shattering climax beforehand, that first thrust drives me crazy. It seems to fast-forward everything by about 45 minutes. I’m climaxing much faster and definitely more often than I have before. Have you ever had sex like that? I can’t be the only person?

We had sex a lot in the last four days. Not as much as we normally would because he hasn’t been very well but definitely a lot. He had me bent over the couch, in the bed, me on top, him on top, me pushed belly-down into the bed while he performed some sort of crazy diagonal move on me that hit some pretty intense spots, thrusting into my face, lapping at my sex, and even getting friction burns on our knees as we fucked on the carpet. Seriously, we are like horny teenagers. I think we fucked out more calories than we ate in the last four days. It was crazy stuff.

I’ve suddenly realized that I’ve written far more words in this post than I had originally intended and I’m now feeling incredibly moist between the legs. It’s time for me to end this post by saying that, as you can tell, I am very much in love. And list. And although I’ve not blogged in far too long, I’m as happy as a pig in shit. And I’m off for a wank.

Good night all 😉