Regrets

It feels like I am saying goodbye to a very big part of my life and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this or if I’m just a weirdo but stuff is happening and it’s closing the beautiful chapter of my life when I lived on the other side of the world.

My Bestie over there is moving away soon. Her hubby is moving up in the company and she wants to get things settled for another baby, I think. One of our other friends is having the baby she has wanted for years. One of the couples has broken up and they both now have different partners. Big Love is no longer on Facebook. Oh yes – we solved the riddle. He is “Facebook User” now. He’s gone. He deleted his Facebook account.

My Bestie is having a Thanksgiving Dinner. She does it every year. I made an 18-page recipe pumpkin pie and took it to the party the year that I went and it kinda earned me a “Hall of Fame” kinda thing. I’m now invited to the dinner every year, despite the fact that I’m now back on this side of the world and although the gesture makes me cry my heart out, I love the fact that she still invites me.

It’s the end of that chapter of my life. Everyone is moving away or moving on. It’s all over. I don’t like it much.

I kept thinking to myself when I first left Big Love and came back to this side of the world that I could go back anytime I wanted to see the friends that soon became my new family. I took for granted that I could go back at a moment’s notice. I never did. And now it’s over. I think that’s one of my biggest regrets.

There were reasons why I didn’t go back, of course. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself if I had come face to face with Big Love. I fell for him hard and he wasn’t someone that I easily got over. I couldn’t have risked anything happening with him. I don’t think my heart would ever have recovered from that. I knew if I went back, not only would I want him, but there was a good chance that I wouldn’t come home too. That’s what I do – I go somewhere for a little while and somehow don’t end up going home for weeks, months, years….

And that’s how I’ve ended up here. I’ve been home for two years in February and I never went back. And now it’s over. The friends are no longer there. A few of them have already moved away. It’s sad but that’s what happens. And some of the people that I was closest to out there don’t even talk to me anymore. I expected that from two people in particular. Maybe we’ll talk about that mother-daughter disaster combo another time….

I guess I’m just regretting right now. I regret not going back. I regret that my Bestie’s daughter is a year and a half years old and I’ve never even met her. It breaks my heart how things have turned out. But that’s life isn’t it? That’s what happens – things don’t go to plan. Even the best laid plans go awry from time to time. I don’t have many regrets, but not going back to see my girls is definitely one of them.

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