I stalked Big Love on Facebook again the other day. He has made his profile completely private. He’s gone into lockdown. He took all of my family members off his friends list too.
I cried today. I found this out the other day but I only reacted to it today. I think I needed a couple of days to process it. That’s it. That’s my closure. It’s happened. The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and I had a smoke and a chat down by the river and as I told him this big news, I burst into tears. I’m sleep deprived and pre-menstrual, I think. I’m not a crier. I’m definitely not a crier in public.
It’s taken me a year and a half and I’m finally closing that chapter in my life. It’s over. I’m over him.
I let those final tears roll down my cheeks with embarrassment. I didn’t want the Bestie to see those tears that I still had for Big Love. I broke down. I needed it. I needed closure. I can no longer stalk him. I can no longer see what is going on with his life. All ties are broken. That was all that was left.
I don’t know if I’m seriously over-thinking this or if this is something that every girl goes through when she breaks up with yet another wrong guy, but it is something that has been bugging me ever since I found out.
Am I being too weird for you right now?
I wonder why he chose to do the big lockdown on his life. They will have been together for coming up to a year and a half, perhaps even closer to two years. That’s where things start to go wrong for him. That’s when the relationship starts to crumble. It’s a recurrent pattern – it was for me and many of his partners before me. I wonder if it’s happening to them right now. Maybe it’s going completely the other way and this girl is “the one” for him? Maybe he has finally found “the one” to sort out all his bad issues and finally make a go of things in his life? I hope this is the case for him, I really do. I wish him all the happiness in the world and I actually mean that too.
I have finally let him go. He’s not my Big Love anymore. Maybe he was never my Big Love in the first place. I will always think of him with the fondest of memories. The first night we slept together in his tent in the War Zone, for example. He was so nervous and I was shaking. We had another “near miss” a few nights before but someone walked in on us so we didn’t get past heavy making out. The night that we first slept together, I knew he was someone I really wanted. He was my first circumcised cock. It was beautiful. I fell in love with his Perfect Penis that night and I didn’t even need to see it; I just felt it. And it was oh so good.
I will always remember that night. Just like I will always remember the first time he told me he loved me. The soldiers singing the song on their guitars, the beautiful stars twinkling above us, stood under the street light in the War Zone… He held my face in his hands, kissed me so tenderly and told me those three magic little words as he looked right into my eyes. It was a movie-moment. Those moments really do happen.
He was a fairytale for me from start to finish. He offered me experiences beyond my wildest dreams. I grabbed him and I clung on but I wasn’t the right girl for him. It was never going to last. Looking back now I know he wasn’t the right guy for me. But man did I love him.
I hope he makes her as happy as he did make me. When we were happy, our relationship was beautiful. I think we both knew that it was only going to be a matter of time before things got volatile between us. He really did break my heart into tiny, aching, shattered little pieces. And with every tear that falls from my eyes as I write this, I feel a little bit better. Because as much as he hurt me and I changed everything about myself to be with him, I have found me now. I am really happy with the person that I am right now. I have now lost four stone in weight and am only 15 pounds away from my target weight. I have sort-of given up smoking. I have the occasional blip but I’m doing good. I’m feeling good about things. Got a little promotion at work too and for the most part, my freelance writing is going well. I’m liking the way my life is going right now. I like the way that things with Jock are going. Things are good for me.
So Big Love, if you ever read this, here is what I have to say:
I loved you with every little bit of my heart and soul and you crushed me. However, I flourished out of it and I can only hope that you do too. There will always be a little bit of my heart devoted to you but for now, I’m over you. Thank you.