Regrets

It feels like I am saying goodbye to a very big part of my life and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this or if I’m just a weirdo but stuff is happening and it’s closing the beautiful chapter of my life when I lived on the other side of the world.

My Bestie over there is moving away soon. Her hubby is moving up in the company and she wants to get things settled for another baby, I think. One of our other friends is having the baby she has wanted for years. One of the couples has broken up and they both now have different partners. Big Love is no longer on Facebook. Oh yes – we solved the riddle. He is “Facebook User” now. He’s gone. He deleted his Facebook account.

My Bestie is having a Thanksgiving Dinner. She does it every year. I made an 18-page recipe pumpkin pie and took it to the party the year that I went and it kinda earned me a “Hall of Fame” kinda thing. I’m now invited to the dinner every year, despite the fact that I’m now back on this side of the world and although the gesture makes me cry my heart out, I love the fact that she still invites me.

It’s the end of that chapter of my life. Everyone is moving away or moving on. It’s all over. I don’t like it much.

I kept thinking to myself when I first left Big Love and came back to this side of the world that I could go back anytime I wanted to see the friends that soon became my new family. I took for granted that I could go back at a moment’s notice. I never did. And now it’s over. I think that’s one of my biggest regrets.

There were reasons why I didn’t go back, of course. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself if I had come face to face with Big Love. I fell for him hard and he wasn’t someone that I easily got over. I couldn’t have risked anything happening with him. I don’t think my heart would ever have recovered from that. I knew if I went back, not only would I want him, but there was a good chance that I wouldn’t come home too. That’s what I do – I go somewhere for a little while and somehow don’t end up going home for weeks, months, years….

And that’s how I’ve ended up here. I’ve been home for two years in February and I never went back. And now it’s over. The friends are no longer there. A few of them have already moved away. It’s sad but that’s what happens. And some of the people that I was closest to out there don’t even talk to me anymore. I expected that from two people in particular. Maybe we’ll talk about that mother-daughter disaster combo another time….

I guess I’m just regretting right now. I regret not going back. I regret that my Bestie’s daughter is a year and a half years old and I’ve never even met her. It breaks my heart how things have turned out. But that’s life isn’t it? That’s what happens – things don’t go to plan. Even the best laid plans go awry from time to time. I don’t have many regrets, but not going back to see my girls is definitely one of them.

Infatuation

I should have uploaded this the other day but I didn’t because the internet is shit where Jock lives and then I kept forgetting. My bad.

I’m not gonna compare it to anything else because everything else has ended.


That was a very powerful line said by Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. She doesn’t want to compare her Mr. Big to anything or anyone because all of the men and relationships that she had, had in the past were all over and finished with.

That’s how I feel about Jock right now. I can’t compare him to anyone. The way he makes me feel is unlike how anyone else before made me feel. The things he does to me in bed, and the way he makes me lust after him like never before; that’s all something I haven’t experienced before too. There is just something about him. I’m not sure what it is or what it does to me, but I’m starting to wonder if he is right. Could he be the prince to my princess?

They say you need to kiss a lot of frogs before you eventually find your prince. Is Jock my prince? Have I finally finished kissing all the frogs? Now don’t me get me wrong; I’ve had an awful lot of fun with the frogs in my past but there is something very different about this guy. Something very different indeed.

We are in the middle of two amazing days together. He is currently working with his buddy on scrapping some cars or something manly in nature. I’m currently sat in his trailer, tapping away and watching TV and it suddenly hit me…. We are basically in a full blown relationship. I’m comfortable with the way that things are going. I’m not scared or dubious. I don’t distrust him. I don’t think he would ever deliberately try to break my heart. He makes me feel at ease. I don’t need to worry where he is at night and whether he is out doing drugs like Big Love, or out sleeping with random hookers like the Hubby. This is something I’ve never felt before. I think they call it contentment. I’m content. It’s nice.

I know things have been a bit quiet on the whole blog front but that’s because I have nothing really to discuss. I’d love to sit and tell you all the gay, slushy things that he has done for me and vice versa but honestly; I’d probably make you sick. I literally have nothing to complain about. The worst of it is I’m not even bored yet. Usually I would be bored by now. Maybe he’s just the one I should be with right now? Maybe he’s just “The One”? It doesn’t matter whether we are out and about in his car, just driving, or whether we are shopping, sleeping, watching movies, chilling in his trailer…. It doesn’t matter what we are doing. It’s all fun. I’m never bored. I don’t mind waiting for him to finish what he is doing with his mates when he feels the need to be manly. I don’t mind waiting for him full stop. Something has seriously happened to me. It’s like he is chilling me out. I sleep better with him around. I don’t feel the need to be constantly on the move. I can sit down and stop; I can appreciate doing nothing. This is something I’ve not done before. He just makes me feel at ease and relaxed.

On the other side of the coin, it would appear that the Big Love has either deleted his Facebook or he has blocked everyone that has anything to do with me. At first I thought it might just have been me that he had blocked but when my Bestie on the other side of the world told me that he was no longer visible on her Facebook or messages either, I wondered whether or not onto he would have deleted his account on the social networking site. I’m trying not to care. I’m over him after all. There is something about him that still pulls on my heart strings though, and I’ve accepted that this will probably always be the case. I wonder if his relationship is going down the pan? I’m trying to remember if he ever did the Facebook temper tantrum while we were together. I can’t remember. Maybe he’s back on the drugs again? I’m trying not to care but some part of me still does. I hope he’s okay, whatever is happening, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. I guess in time I’ll find out what’s going on. In time I’ll probably find out that I’d rather have not known in the first place. I guess we will just need to watch this space.

For now, I’m back in happy-ever-after land with Jock…… I’m infatuated.

 

Love Hearts.

Yesterday, my life got a million times better. I had spent the night at Jocks and we had gotten up early to do some shopping. We bought him some stuff to make his TV work, cups, kettle, etc. We ended up in this really cute retro candy store and he pointed to this one bar of chocolate that had those little red and white love heart jelly sweets in it. The name of the chocolate bar was “I Love You”. I laughed it off. We continued around the store and I picked up Love Heart sweets – I fucking love those. We went back to the chocolate bit and this time he pointed to a smaller bag of chocolate, still with the same name – “I Love You”. Once again I laughed it off.

We got back in the car and on our way back to his, I opened my Love Heart sweets. The second candy in the tube said “Love You”. I took it out of the packet and discreetly popped it by the side of me and I continued to share my candies with Jock. I took this as a sign. He pointed to the “I Love You” named candies in the store and the second Love Heart in my tube said “Love You”

Once I had finished the tube of candy, I sat with the one remaining “Love You” candy and I looked over at him. I stared for a few moments and I don’t think he noticed. I realized how much this guy meant to me already. This guy was my everything right now. I love every moment I spend with this guy. I reached over and put the final candy on his leg. He looked down at it, then looked at me, then tried to drive with this funny, odd looking expression on his face.

I shit myself, naturally. I’d blown it. I’d scared him off. I said it too soon. I totally freaked out. It wasn’t a good moment for me.

He kept looking over at me and I kept looking away. I was embarrassed by my cute little candy gesture. I felt like I was at school again with a crush on the fittest boy in school. Did I seriously think I could make this guy fall in love with me? What the hell would he want in me? Why did I have to go and put that candy in his lap? I should have just eaten it. Twat.

I have a crazy obsession with Miley Cyrus right now. I don’t know why I do but I love the girl. I think she’s fucking fabulous. She’s exploring shit; let her damn well get on with it. We all went a little nuts when we were kids. Give the girl a break. Anyway, right now I love the song “Wrecking Ball” – her new song. In this weird phase of Jock looking at me and me looking away, that song came on. IT just reiterated something for me – things went right for me when Jock was in my life.

I looked at him and he looked right back at me.

“If you mean that, that’s fucking awesome. I’ve wanted to say that for a while now”

Those words made my heart thump something crazy. He feels the same? He does feel the same! Things were pretty quiet for the rest of the journey home.

We went back to his and fixed his TV. As he left to go out the back of the trailer, he shouted back at me “Be right back, love you”

OH MY GOD! HE FUCKING SAID IT!

That was the first time he said it! That’s the first time either of us has actually said the words. I just sort of stared at him as he walked out with this puzzled expression on my face and I felt so bad about it, I sent him a little text with a red love heart in it – that was my first red love heart.

Later on that night, we were snuggled up on the couch watching TV, wrapped in a blanket and all I could think about was saying those words to him. For the whole hour that we just lay there intertwined, I stared at him in the darkness, watching him blink, watching him breathe, watching him relax and all I could think about was saying those three little words. I hadn’t actually said them to him yet.

I said to myself, the next time I hear the word “Love” on the TV, I’ll say it to him. I’ll just say it like out of the blue. That word was said on the TV thirty seconds after I thought that, I kid you not. Every time I asked for a sign, I was given a fucking sign. Still I was petrified of saying those three little words. I felt them; I knew I meant them, so why the fuck couldn’t I say them to him?

We lay there for a whole hour, not saying anything, him watching the TV and me staring at him. Fuck it. I’m going to say it.

“I Love You”

He looked at me, took my head in his hands and kissed me so softly I thought my heart was going to explode. He looked right at me and said “Oh I love you”

My heart melted right there, ladies and gentlemen. I am one hundred percent, head over heels, hopelessly and excitedly in love with this man. I’ve known him for a little over three months and I worship the ground he walks on. He has ignited a passion in me that I haven’t felt for a really long time. He is better than any drug I’ve ever taken. He’s better than any lover I’ve ever had. We click and man, do we click good! He only needs to kiss my neck a little and my clothes fall off. He runs his hands up and down my hips as his head moves down to my nipples, lightly sucking them and nibbling them and flicking them with his tongue. I’m wet in seconds for his touch. He rocks my damn world already. And do you know what? I’m embracing it! With him, I’m not so scared of getting my heart broken. I never let OB or The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of get close enough to my heart in order to break it. I’m giving Jock my heart with two hands outstretched. Statistically speaking, we probably won’t end up having the great happy-ever-after that we wanted, so that means that we are going to need to break up. He’s not going to be the one for me, is he? Some people go their entire lives searching and never find that special person; am I really going to be one of the lucky ones that it happens to?

I don’t even care. He makes me feel so good about myself. I’m down to 150 pounds in weight now too. It’s falling off me and I LOVE it! People are commenting on how much weight I’ve lost and it’s such a confidence boost. It’s an amazing feeling and one I’m becoming decidedly addicted to.

Oh and his ex knows now. Apparently he got his (step-) daughter’s birthday wrong and she replied with a shitty “Maybe that’s your girlfriend’s birthday?” Ah well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now. They had a little fight about it I think. I don’t care that she knows. What’s she going to do? She didn’t want him, he’s mine now. And I’m going to treat him decidedly better than what he said she treated him.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on in my life. He loves me. Giggles. And I love him back. Giggles.

Love Hearts ❤

Is it Fate?

I’m not really the type of person to believe in fate and destiny and all that crap. I talk about it briefly in “Happy First Birthday! Do You Believe in Signs?” and I’ve decided I want to talk about it again. I hope you don’t mind.

FateI don’t know if I believe in a pathway that your life is set to go down, but somewhere along the line I like to think that certain things happen for a reason. For example, everything seems to have flowed quite nicely in my life. I met the Hubby, moved to another country, went to the War Zone, left him, went to the other side of the world with Big Love, had some of the most amazing experiences of my life, came home and now… we have Jock. Things have flowed well for me. I always seem to land on my feet somehow. Things are taking a little longer than anticipated this time around but I’m getting there slowly. Things are starting to go my way again.

Jock came into my life and good things started to happen. I’m losing weight and people are noticing and this is making me feel really good about myself. I got promoted at work. My freelance writing is doing really well, apart from the odd hiccup or two. Things with Jock are sailing along almost perfectly and then, the Big Love makes his life private and I finally get the closure I have been so desperate for.

Is it fate? Has fate closed my chapter with Big Love right in time for my beautiful Tattooed Jock to come in and kiss all my pain away? He has told me that he thinks I’m his princess and he’s my prince. He’s mentioned the fact that you need to kiss many frogs before you find your prince on more than one occasion. And a little while ago he told me that he thinks he’s the one that is meant to restore my faith in men, so to speak. I’m starting to wonder if he might be right. Maybe he knows something I don’t?

It’s stupid little things that are happening right now, but they are all really good little things. For example, the Bestie and I had planned to meet up the other day that we both had off work together. This was the one day that the heavens decided to open and let rip with rain. I left my house, headed out to meet him anyway and the second I stepped out of the house, it stopped raining. The entire time we were out, it didn’t rain. Three or four hours later, I put my key in my front door again and the heavens opened. It literally stopped pissing down with rain from the second I left the house to the moment I returned. We even sent messages about it to each at exactly the same time.

You can’t tell me that’s not fate?!

There are other silly little things too. I kept getting cramps before the weekend and I thought I was going to have my period while I was with Jock. I would have been livid if this had happened as we hadn’t seen each for weeks and I was dying for some sexual healing.

Well long story short ladies and gentlemen, and my period managed to hold out until exactly one hour after Jock dropped me back at home after our beautiful *Click* weekend together.

See – things are always going my way these days it would seem.

I know these are stupid little things that don’t mean anything but there are lots of these stupid little things happening at just the right time. One of my freelance writing payments had been delayed for example, and I feared my weekend with Jock would be crap if I was poor. The night before he picked me up, I got paid from one of the clients that had previously ignored my messages for a week. The first day I was there, I got paid for another two projects. And the day he dropped me home, I got paid for another project again. It was almost as if everything had literally worked out perfectly for me and I couldn’t have been happier about it!

Do you see what I mean yet?

Jock has done something to my world. The Bestie likes him already and he normally hates every guy I date. He’s always right to hate them, to be fair, but this time he’s not hating. He’s loving. It’s weird for me. I don’t know how to take it. My Mama and Little Sis think he could be perfect for me, and most of the people at work (who have only met him once or twice) think we are great together.

Is Jock that important to me? Is he that important in my life? I always thought if I met the “one” for me – the prince for my princess, the one to kiss all of my pain away, I would know it straight away. I always imagined it would be love at first sight. Was it love at first sight with Jock? No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t fair off to be fair, but I think that had a little more to do with lust than love.

I’m still not sure if he is the one for me. He seems pretty adamant that we are right for each other, and other people seem to have a good opinion about things too. My female work colleague, for example, said that she believed Jock would be the one to change my mind about having babies. She’s been right about a few things that she’s had these “feelings” for in the past. Could she be right about this too?

Is it fate that I met Jock when I did? Let’s face it; he popped into my life literally hours after OB and I broke up. I certainly didn’t plan for that to happen. Nothing that happens with Jock is ever planned and yet somehow and most of the time, things have a funny way of turning out for the best.

Maybe Jock is my fate? Maybe if all that destiny crap is true, Jock is mine? He’s certainly bowled me over and swept me off my feet at just the right time – one chapter closing and another beginning. Is Jock my next Big Adventure?

I have a funny feeling in my stomach that I think could be excitement. I’m definitely looking forward to finding out.

*Click*

Something happened this weekend. Something happened and it was big and very beautiful. Jock and I “clicked”. We literally clicked into place. We went from dating to being in a relationship and it happened right there in front of us.

Well it did for me, anyway.

We already know that we have the chemistry. Our sex is damn great and although we have had our hiccups, we seem to have gotten ourselves into something that is most definitely working for us. It’s certainly working for me anyway.

We have the sparkle. The sex is great, the conversation is great, most of our dates have been out of this world amazing and everything is cool.

Now everything has gotten beautiful. Very, very beautiful.

It started with the paint.

He has moved into a trailer. For the Brits, this is a caravan. This makes him trailer trash and when you take a look at the people that live in the house with the trailer, and the state of their yard and the way that they talk – they are most definitely, one hundred percent trailer trash.

I always thought I would hate a guy that lived like that. When the Big Love suggested us moving into a trailer I told him to go and take a running jump. This guy is 100% trailer trash – everything I should be running from but in fact I’m running towards it.

Anyway, he wants to paint his trailer because it looks like shit. Which to be fair, it did. It doesn’t anymore. He let me pick the color scheme. He had a charcoal grey/black carpet and a red/maroon/burgundy colored couch. At first the walls were purple. They are now light slate grey. The contrast between the carpet, the walls and the couch is beautiful. I have made this shitty little space beautiful. Woop – go me. He thinks it looks lush too and has basically put me in charge of the whole project. This works for me of course – I LOVE letting my inner creative side go crazy and he is basically giving me a blank canvas.

We got the paint, grabbed some beers and a couple burgers, made sure we had enough cigarettes to last us the weekend and we went back to his trailer. Yes that’s right – I started bloody smoking again.

We watched Dirty Dancing, snuggled up on his couch in blankets. It was adorable. It was a proper couple night. Bed time came and we had great sex. We always do.

The second night; that’s right, we’ve gone into two-night territory; we got some beers, cranked the music up and started painting. It was awesome – chatting and singing along and painting. It was like we were a proper couple. We had started to click.

After a few hours, we end up lying on opposite couches, chatting and drinking. We talked about Big Love, and his ex, past loves and failed love attempts. It was nice. We were clicking – we had started really started opening up to each other. I told him about my young suicide attempt and my self-harming, he told me about his past drug problems and lifestyle choices.

When we went to bed, pure magic happened. The sex we had was intense and passionate. There was biting and scratching and shuddering moans on both sides, I rode him, I let him have the “reverse-cowgirl” that he keeps asking for, he screwed me; it was all over the place. He kept switching things up, changing from his cock to his mouth, back to his cock and then to his fingers. I couldn’t keep up. My head was all over the place. All I could think was how much I really wanted to tell him that I loved him. It was bite-your-lip stuff. I couldn’t handle it. I was shaking, shuddering, moaning, writhing…. God, it was intense! I’m pretty sure I came harder than I ever had before in my life, and when he went down on me….. I “multipled”!!! YES!!!!!

When he came, he “came like thunder” – those were his words! He groaned out loud. In fact, he groaned a lot this weekend. I’ve never heard him vocally express himself during sex and fuck, did it turn me on! He shuddered into me and I could feel his cock throbbing. His breath exploded into my neck, that guttural groan escaped from his throat…. It was pure ecstasy for me.

We had clicked. He said as much in the car when he dropped me home. Before we had great sex but that sex was still “new person” sex. It was still a bit awkward. We were still learning about each other’s bodies and figuring out what works for each other. This weekend we had “I know you” sex. We understood what drove each other crazy and we put all that we had learned together in one sweaty, passionate, loud, animalistic finale that proved to us both how we really felt about each other.

It blew my mind, guys and girls. I can’t stop thinking about him, about the sex that we had, about how much I really feel for him. I miss him already. He texts me and I smile. I miss the way that he smells. I miss the way that he always touches me in some way. If we’re on the couch, his hand will be on my leg or we’ll be holding hands. When we are in the car, my arm is wrapped around his and we hold hands. When we are out and about in public, he’ll hold my hand and kiss me and occasionally, we grab each other’s asses. I miss his touch. I miss the way he rubs my back. I miss the way he kisses. His kisses drive me crazy. I can’t keep my hands off him and I can’t keep him out of my mind.

It’s fucking me up – I’m so confused. If I really love him, why didn’t I just say it? Am I waiting for him to say it? Should he say it first? Should I wait? Should I blurt it out? How much longer is this going to go on for? He has basically told me how he feels, why hasn’t he just come out and said it yet? It’s driving me fucking crazy.

I can’t think straight. I’m trying to catch up on some freelance writing stuff before I head to bed but every time I do, I get carried away with the thoughts of what we did in the bedroom this weekend. I’m writing about sex in my freelance writing and that really doesn’t help matters! I can’t stop thinking about him.

He’s not perfect and he doesn’t have the perfect figure or the perfect teeth or the perfect penis, but for me, he’s perfect. I see no flaws. There’s nothing I can’t stand. His beard makes him look gruff and his silver hair makes him look distinguished. His little belly makes the perfect pillow for my head and the perfect place for me to rest my arm as I sleep in his nook. I love the way he smells and feels. I love the way he feels inside me and although I have mentioned the size of his manhood before, he’s the most amazing lover I’ve ever had. He knows what he is doing. He knows exactly where my clitoris is. He knows exactly how and what to watch for so that he can learn. He knows when I’m going to climax and when to pick up speed or slow down. He’s the perfect lover for me.

I want to tell him all of these things and I don’t even know where to start. I’ve played things so cool with him, desperate not to fall in love and get my heart broken and all I’ve done is fall in love and now I don’t know how to let him know. And I feel he should know. I feel he deserves to know how much he has swept me off my feet and made me glow with happiness. He deserves to know how amazing a person, friend, lover and partner I really think he is. He deserves to know that I love him.

So that’s it. We clicked.

*Click*

It’s Over.

I stalked Big Love on Facebook again the other day. He has made his profile completely private. He’s gone into lockdown. He took all of my family members off his friends list too.

It’s over.

I cried today. I found this out the other day but I only reacted to it today. I think I needed a couple of days to process it. That’s it. That’s my closure. It’s happened. The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With and I had a smoke and a chat down by the river and as I told him this big news, I burst into tears. I’m sleep deprived and pre-menstrual, I think. I’m not a crier. I’m definitely not a crier in public.

It’s taken me a year and a half and I’m finally closing that chapter in my life. It’s over. I’m over him.

I let those final tears roll down my cheeks with embarrassment. I didn’t want the Bestie to see those tears that I still had for Big Love. I broke down. I needed it. I needed closure. I can no longer stalk him. I can no longer see what is going on with his life. All ties are broken. That was all that was left.

I don’t know if I’m seriously over-thinking this or if this is something that every girl goes through when she breaks up with yet another wrong guy, but it is something that has been bugging me ever since I found out.

Am I being too weird for you right now?

I wonder why he chose to do the big lockdown on his life. They will have been together for coming up to a year and a half, perhaps even closer to two years. That’s where things start to go wrong for him. That’s when the relationship starts to crumble. It’s a recurrent pattern – it was for me and many of his partners before me. I wonder if it’s happening to them right now. Maybe it’s going completely the other way and this girl is “the one” for him? Maybe he has finally found “the one” to sort out all his bad issues and finally make a go of things in his life? I hope this is the case for him, I really do. I wish him all the happiness in the world and I actually mean that too.

I have finally let him go. He’s not my Big Love anymore. Maybe he was never my Big Love in the first place. I will always think of him with the fondest of memories. The first night we slept together in his tent in the War Zone, for example. He was so nervous and I was shaking. We had another “near miss” a few nights before but someone walked in on us so we didn’t get past heavy making out. The night that we first slept together, I knew he was someone I really wanted. He was my first circumcised cock. It was beautiful. I fell in love with his Perfect Penis that night and I didn’t even need to see it; I just felt it. And it was oh so good.

I will always remember that night. Just like I will always remember the first time he told me he loved me. The soldiers singing the song on their guitars, the beautiful stars twinkling above us, stood under the street light in the War Zone… He held my face in his hands, kissed me so tenderly and told me those three magic little words as he looked right into my eyes. It was a movie-moment. Those moments really do happen.

He was a fairytale for me from start to finish. He offered me experiences beyond my wildest dreams. I grabbed him and I clung on but I wasn’t the right girl for him. It was never going to last. Looking back now I know he wasn’t the right guy for me. But man did I love him.

I hope he makes her as happy as he did make me. When we were happy, our relationship was beautiful. I think we both knew that it was only going to be a matter of time before things got volatile between us. He really did break my heart into tiny, aching, shattered little pieces. And with every tear that falls from my eyes as I write this, I feel a little bit better. Because as much as he hurt me and I changed everything about myself to be with him, I have found me now. I am really happy with the person that I am right now. I have now lost four stone in weight and am only 15 pounds away from my target weight. I have sort-of given up smoking. I have the occasional blip but I’m doing good. I’m feeling good about things. Got a little promotion at work too and for the most part, my freelance writing is going well. I’m liking the way my life is going right now. I like the way that things with Jock are going. Things are good for me.

e455ecf9dd9de00571c195f9fca8437aIt took me a long time and a lot of tears to get to this point. You have seen me go through some of the lowest times with Big Love and for that, I thank you.

So Big Love, if you ever read this, here is what I have to say:

I loved you with every little bit of my heart and soul and you crushed me. However, I flourished out of it and I can only hope that you do too. There will always be a little bit of my heart devoted to you but for now, I’m over you. Thank you.

He Makes Me Smushy.

So he fell asleep on me, blew me out and then I blew him out. Now he’s pining for me like a lost puppy dog and I think I’ve pretty much made my point. I’m thinking about it like puppy dog clicker training – every time he blows me out, I’m going to blow him out right back. He hates it when I do so eventually he should just stop blowing me out.

That works. Right?

It’s been such a long time since I last see Jock. It’s been a week so far, and we still have another 4/5 sleeps to go. Ugh. I really miss him. He makes me go all smushy.

He told me something the other day that made my heart melt. His exact words were:

“Every Prince has his Princess. Just a case of never giving up and always believing she’s out there. I think I found mine”

Doesn’t he just make your heart melt? Doesn’t it make your insides go mushy and your knees go weak? It certainly does with me. He seems to have this amazing knack of getting himself out of the shit whenever I’m mad at him – it’s as if he knows. I honestly don’t know how he’s doing it.

I’m his Princess? Really? That’s me? I’m his “one” if such a “one” should exist? That’s pretty big words to say after just three months of knowing someone. He either falls in love real easy and real quick, or he’s definitely certain I’m the “one” for him.

Holy crap, those are some pretty big shoes to fill.

We still haven’t actually said the L-word to each other yet. He sort of told me that he thinks he “rawr’s” me, but we haven’t yet exchanged those three magical little words. I feel it. Or at least I’m pretty sure I do, but I don’t think I’m ready to say it yet. I actually thought he would have said it to me by now and I would just have reacted as I felt at the time. Why shouldn’t I just “wing” it? Everything else between us has been “winging” it and that seems to have worked for us quite well.

I’m pretty sure if and when he EVER just says it, I’ll say it right back. I can just imagine it being this perfect moment between us and I will feel so in the moment that it’ll slide out. That’s what I have in my head anyway. I’m hoping it pans out just like that. I’m definitely missing him a lot more than I thought I would. I almost feel bad for blowing him out but I needed to make my point. I guess I made more than one.

I can’t wait to see him again. Just a few more sleeps to go. We haven’t made definite plans as yet – he’s under the impression I’m going to have to work some of the days but we are unsure of what days. I have the whole weekend off but he doesn’t need to know that. I’m not sure if I’m ready for entire-weekend sleepovers just yet.

For now I will continue to pine for him. Can you hear me sighing from there? What the hell has happened to me?