Blown Out.

I got home from work today and as I rolled myself a joint and prepared myself for the inevitable long night ahead of writing, I realized something. I am really annoyed that Jock blew me out tonight to go out on the piss with his buddy.

I hate the fact that I’m annoyed. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that same person. I’ve changed. I’m not the girl that used to cry after her husband went out on the piss because she knew he wouldn’t come home that night and if he did, he would have fucked another girl or he would physically hurt her when he got home. I’m not the girl that used to cry after Big Love went out on the piss because she knew he would end up doing coke again, spend all the money he had in his bank account and probably disappear off the face of the earth for 3-7 days.

I’m not that girl anymore. So why has this annoyed me so much?

The last date Jock and I had didn’t go exactly to plan and he apologized for it being a washout later on that night. I calmed down of course – I wasn’t really mad. I was just annoyed. I thought we could make up for that tonight – I was meant to have spent the night with him.

His friend is home. This friend is the boyfriend of one of Jock’s housemates, and is also one of Jock’s best friends. This friend is doing some military training as he has only just joined the force, and is on his first stay back at home since he started his new career path. I know that Jock and this friend (we shall call him the Columbian) would want one last blow-out night before he went back into his training on Sunday, but it was meant to have been Saturday night. Jock couldn’t get Sunday off work so he settled for tonight but chose to blow me out instead. Oh and the Columbian is FIT!

I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I like the fact that Jock and I have completely separate lives. It’s one of the things I’m starting to love the most about our relationship – we both have the freedom to do whatever it is we want. I think I trust him too – I’ve trusted him enough to invite him into my life this far. I don’t have a reason to distrust him but at the same time, he’s a new man and I still don’t know him all that well yet. I know him pretty well and I think I have him pretty much figured out, but I still have my concerns…

I don’t know what has bugged me so much about this situation but it’s making me realise exactly how much I feel for him. I didn’t really give a shit what One Ball was up to. I knew he’d never cheat on me – he was devoted to me and everyone could see that. I certainly didn’t care what the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of was doing. Not half as much as I should have done, of course. Jock brings out all sorts of feelings that I don’t think I’ve felt for a really long time. This is turning into real relationship stuff and it’s happening really fast. We’ve not even known each other for 3 months yet and he’s already told me that he thinks he rawr’s me. I rawr him right back but that’s not the point. It’s still happening really fast.

I’ve missed this. The huffing and puffing of a real relationship. I haven’t had this with anyone since the Big Love really. I haven’t felt enough for them to be so annoyed. It’s comforting to know that we are starting to merge together and find flaws and things that bug us about each other. At the moment I’m torn between blowing him out tomorrow to show you how uncool it is to screw over your girlfriend for your friend (even though I don’t really mean it) and going along and making the best of the time that we DO have together.

Decisions, decisions…

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