Broody?

Something is happening to me. One of my work colleagues is pregnant. A female one, obviously. A lot of my friends have become pregnant over the years, but I’ve never stuck around for any of them. When I was 18, one of my work colleagues had a baby but not long after he was born, I left. Because I had gotten married towards the end of her pregnancy, I barely spent any more time with her. I wasn’t there.

When I was in married and in the other European country, another one of my friends became pregnant. In fact, a number of them did. I left and went to the War Zone long before any of them had their babies. And then, when I was on the other side of the world, my Bestie over there fell pregnant. I left when she was 4/5 months gone.

I have never stuck around for any of my friends’ pregnancies. It breaks my heart to leave them every time but this time, I’m not going anywhere. I was the first person she told. I have been there for everything. Her little bump is growing because she’s 5 months pregnant now. She had the morning sickness and I was there to cover her at work for that. There was the kicking and the moving of the bump that she sends me videos of and I’ve seen while we were at work together. The stressing out because she has realized she has 4 months and not enough money to get everything done in time…. I’m there for all of it. It’s doing something to me.

I just watched the episode of Friends where Phoebe has her brother’s babies and says goodbye to them and I found myself in tears. I’ve just turned 27 years old and I think I’m getting broody.

Every now and again I find myself getting broody for a brief spell, but the feelings soon pass. This is a feeling that hasn’t been around for a couple of days – this is a feeling that has been building up slowly yet surely, over a number of weeks now. It started when the Royal Baby was born. It’s still sticking around.

When I first started dating Jock, this pregnant work colleague told me that she had a feeling about him. She thought he was going to be the one to change my mind about having babies. She had this feeling about her husband. The first time she met him, she told her Mama that she would marry him. He was the first she ever had, there is a 15 year age gap, yet they got married in November and are now expecting her first child. Could she be right about Jock? Is he going to be the one to change my mind?

I had a dream that I was pregnant a few days ago and I told her about it. In my dream, I was sat on the couch next to Jock, balancing a bowl of Cheerio’s on my tummy, eating as we watched TV. What does this mean? What has unsettled me so much?

I’m getting older now. I think my biological clock is ticking. It’s pissing me off, whatever is happening.

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