Do you remember in the post Miaow. I mentioned that I had been stalking the Big Love, and had gotten so angry that I ended up writing him a message? Well, he took his damn sweet time because he’s a twat like that, but he finally messaged me back this morning.
“I looked for them can’t find them lots got lost when I moved into the house I bought”
No punctuation. No real sentences. No thought. Just a hastily sent message without any care or consideration. Yeah, he knew that message would fucking piss me off. Oh boy, did it piss me off.
I immediately forwarded it to my Bestie on the other side of the world – how was I going to respond to that?!?
I KNOW HE DIDN’T BUY THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!
Look at the way that part of the sentence was thrown right on in there like a last minute jab to the fucking heart. Well done Big Love – you fucking win. That fucking crippled me. You absolute son of a bitch.
“the house I bought” – he knows full well that will cripple me emotionally. That was OUR goal. That was why I was working all the hours under the son for shitty bosses – we were paying off his bankruptcy, paying off his Baby Momma and his ex-wife, making a beautiful home for ourselves. We were going to live the happy-ever-fucking-after. It’s funny because I saw the coffee table that WE built and the rug that I spent over $500 on in the photos that he put up of MY puppy meeting MY kitten that he ended up buying HER. Seeing those things made me realise how happy I had been over there with him, and although it made my heart hurt, it also reiterated just how badly he ended up treating me. And how little I actually meant to him. It may not have been physical stuff like cheating and beating me up like with the Hubby, but the mental, emotional stuff is just as bad, isn’t it? The way he used to hold things over me like a carrot on a stick sure wasn’t normal. Nor was his unhealthy obsession with trying to make himself out to be something much bigger and better than he actually was, even thought the person he actually was, was pretty cool anyway. He wasn’t good to me for the last year of our two year relationship. To be fair, I probably wasn’t all that great to him either.
I don’t want him to think that I think he has bought a house. I don’t want him to think that he is affecting me in any way. I don’t want him to think I have anything more for him than just a fleeting memory. He knows I’m going to be freaking out about the fact that he has bought a house. He could have just said “when we moved” but he didn’t. He used the words “the house I bought” which firstly suggests that his girlfriend isn’t a big deal otherwise he would have said “the house we bought”.
Secondly, it was added on to the end of a sentence like an awkward afterthought. Maybe he thought about saying it before he actually pressed send? Maybe he just typed it out furiously, or without too much care or consideration? Maybe it was hastily typed while she was in the kitchen so she wasn’t aware that we had spoken?
See what this guy does to me? He makes me a mental, angry freak of nature that over-analyses everything to the point where she is sure she’s going a little nuts.
Moving away from the house-buying situation which has clearly made me freak out like he had intended, we have the fact that he has lost the ONE thing that I asked him to send me back. He kicked me out of my home, made me leave all the beautiful stuff I had bought, not helped me with my move to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING WORLD, and couldn’t send me one small DVD of one of my biggest memories? I meant that little to him that he kept forgetting to send it back, and then probably threw it away like the trash our relationship ended up being.
I wonder if he realises how fucking small that makes me feel. I wonder if he has any idea of how much I actually loved him, and how much of myself I would have changed to have made him happy. And was changing. Faster than I believed it was happening at the time, that’s for sure.
That message means nothing to him. It took nothing for him to write it. And I’ll bet everything I got he’s not thinking about it anymore. It’s done with. That’s it. He lost the DVD. We have no more reason to talk. That’s it.
But yet, there is still some part of me that thinks I may have won the break-up war. We come back to the most important fact – I KNOW HE DIDN’T BUY THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!
My Bestie on the other side of the world told me that he hadn’t actually bought the house. Her hubby had gone to a house-warming party that the Big Love was holding, and while he was there that ACTUAL owner of the house (female) had told the hubby of my Bestie on the other side of the world, that they (Big Love + GF) were just renting the house from her – she had actually bought it.
So why’s he lying? Why is he telling me that he has bought a house? Maybe if he’s thinking so much about “us” that he’s willing to tell the biggest of lies to make himself out to be much better than he actually is, I do still mean that much to him. But then again, we have already mentioned that he likes to exaggerate more often than not, just to make himself out to the Big Guy he never will be.
So yeah. That’s pretty much what’s going on in my life. At least I’m not still sitting around, crying about him anymore. Gosh that phrase was mind-numbingly irritating!